“I was just trying to give you some space. I figured we both needed to step back and process things that have happened. I am sorry about that last night, in your room. I never meant to make you feel like I was pressuring you.”
“I know. And I probably overreacted a bit. It has taken me a bit to process on my own, and with Mary’s help, the confrontation with my parents.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Nick asked. There was no hint of demand, just a simple question.
“Maybe some time, but not tonight. Let’s just enjoy tonight without any depressing talk.” I sat back as our food arrived and we were silent as we started eating. By the end of the evening, Nick and I were laughing and at ease with each other again. The familiar teasing was back and it felt like I had never left for New Hampshire.
We drove back to my place in silence. I could only imagine where his thoughts were, but mine were rehashing the evening and the enjoyment I had felt. I wanted, for the first time in quite a while, for Nick to stay with me tonight. But true to myself, I wasn’t about to ask. Let’s face it, I was never going to be that woman.
“Feel like a little walk on the beach before going inside?” Nick asked as he parked the car.
“Always.” There was nothing like listening to the waves with the moon shining off the water. The moonlight caused little sparkles in the water, almost like diamonds, throughout the ocean. For me, there was nothing more peaceful.
We walked hand in hand to the rocky section and then headed back. I would have loved to climb up to our spot in the rocks, but neither of us was dressed for it. “What is it about being near the ocean at night that is just so peaceful?” I wondered out loud.
“It is peaceful, isn’t it? It’s always been a favorite place of mine.”
I glanced at him. “Have you always lived near the ocean? You never spoke about where you grew up.”
“We moved around a lot when I was a kid. I don’t think there is one place that I really call home.”
I nodded. “That must have been tough as a child.”
“Sometimes. But other times, it was nice, especially if we were moving from a place that I didn’t seem to fit into.”
“You not fit in? Something tells me you could charm anyone, no matter where you were.” Tonight, the flirting was easy.
“I wasn’t always such a charmer.” Nick’s voice was low and I had the impression that he was becoming melancholy with reflection.
“Well, we definitely change as we get older. I like to think, for the better.” I responded.
“That is so true.” Nick grinned at me.
Nick stopped when we arrived at my door. “Aren’t you coming in?”
“I don’t think so, not tonight.”
I looked at him puzzled. “Why not?”
“Izzy, it was a great night. Let’s just go back to taking it slow.” He pulled me close. His lips soft and gentle on mine, his tongue teasing me before he broke off the kiss and stepped back. “Have a good night. Thank you for tonight.”
He waited while I opened the door and stepped in. I glanced back at him. He gave me a reassuring smile before he turned to leave.
I closed the door and locked up. Leaning against the door, I tried to figure out what just happened. It was nice, very chivalrous, that he didn’t come in, but damn it, it’s not like we are just starting to date. Sex was not usually something he shied away from. I had mixed emotions about where this was headed and confused by Nick’s use of taking it slow.
16
Isabelle
As the three weeks passed, and my next appointment with Mary drew closer, the anxiety in me increased. Although there had been no further panic attack, I was on edge constantly. I knew the time was coming where I would have to talk about Jack and she wouldn’t let it slide anymore. She had been patient with me, but I also knew that, if she didn’t push the issue, I wasn’t going to talk about it.
Monday evening approached after a long day of meetings. I had an alarm set for the time I would need to leave to get to Mary’s office and, being engrossed in emails, I startled when it went off. I groaned inwardly and started packing up.
“Isabelle, do you have a minute?” Gayle called from her office.
I walked to the doorframe. “I have an appointment I have to get to, but I can spare a couple of minutes.”
“No worries. Let’s meet tomorrow. I just want an update from you regarding where you are in the edits for these two new books. I have some earlier time slots for releases and didn’t know if you would be able to make it work to, at least, have one of them fill a slot.”
“How much sooner are we talking?” I asked.
“I’d like one of them to be moved up from May to February.”
I nodded. “Let me take a look tonight to see where the final round of edits is and how soon I think they will be back. I think, probably, one of them won’t have a problem with a shortened deadline. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
“Perfect. See you tomorrow.”
I had gotten used to Gayle’s abrupt dismissals and, now, could laugh about it. But, when I had first started working for her, I took it way too personal and used to go home imagining the worst things. Over the past year, working with her, I have found that she is more abrupt with the people she trusts. It has become a comforting feeling to be dismissed in such a manner now.
Glancing at my watch, I saw that I would be a few minutes late if I didn’t hustle. Thankfully, there wasn’t much traffic and I made it to Mary’s in record time. I walked in the door just as the bell chimed six.
Mary closed the door behind me and waited for me to settle into a chair. “Any more panic attacks?”
“None. Thank God.”
“Good.” She paused, but when I didn’t speak she continued. “What’s new since we last talked?”
“Nick took me out on a date. Seemed odd since it’s not something that we, really, have ever done. We usually just meet somewhere. This was like a real thing, he picked me up and had made reservations. We walked on the beach before he walked me to my apartment.”
“Walked you to your apartment?” Mary looked at me.
“Yeah. He wouldn’t come in. In fact, he has refused to stay at my place at all. Says he wants to ‘take it slow’.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
I snickered. “Love the way you phrase your questions.” I shrugged. “At first it seemed odd, but I guess it really doesn’t bother me. Maybe it’s a bit nice.”
“It doesn’t bother you because, maybe, you don’t want him there?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s it. It just seems different. Maybe I’ve never been…I don’t even know what to call what we are doing. Dating?”
“Sounds like he’s courting you.”
I was puzzled. “Courting…like old fashion courting?”
Mary nodded.
“I’m not sure I care for that phrase. It makes me feel like the end result is marriage.”
“You don’t want to be married?” Mary asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe someday, but it’s not high on my list, right now, of things I want to do.”
“What is high on your list?”
I shrugged. “Work. I’d like to travel some before I settle down.”
“You could travel with a spouse.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
Mary put her pad of paper and pen aside. “Not the same, or not Jack?”
Here we go. She finally got around to bringing up Jack. I was foolish to think that we could keep the whole session on Nick and me without any mention of Jack. “It’s not about Jack.”
“I think everything you do, whether consciously or subconsciously, has Jack in the undertones.”
“That’s not true.” I tried to be indignant, but part of me felt she may be right.
“Are we going to talk about seeing Jack on your trip?” Mary finally asked the direct question I had been avoiding.
“I don
’t know if I’m ready.” I started and trailed off.
Mary shook her head. “Try again.”
“Why do you push me on this?” I stood and walked to the window.
“Because, if I don’t, you will push all the emotions down and we both know that does more harm than good. You have to talk about this, Isabelle.”
I knew she was right, but I wasn’t ready. Or I just didn’t want to. I wanted the memory of seeing him to stay with me, without analyzing it. Mary was silent behind me, waiting. I could feel her eyes on me. I slowly turned to face her, but stayed by the window. Distance was good.
“Yes, I saw him. He opened the door and there he stood. I looked into those blue eyes and it was like time hadn’t passed at all.” I paused.
“You said he recognized you?” Mary asked.
“Yes. He immediately said ‘Izzy’ and I just nodded. I couldn’t stop looking at him. He stood there, holding a baby. A baby.” I walked toward the chair as my legs felt like they would buckle. “He looked so good and at ease holding the baby. I couldn’t help but think, what if that had been our child?” Tears filled my eyes, which seemed a common occurrence these days at Mary’s office.
“A baby.” Mary watched me. “That’s a pretty permanent fixture in someone’s life.”
I nodded, unable to speak.
“Isabelle, what happened? You didn’t say anything?”
As I sat there recalling the moment, I could see Jack opening the door, the baby on his shoulder as he rubbed it’s back. The look of confusion on his face as he realized who I was and both of us just looking at each other. I had wanted to speak.
“There wasn’t time really.” I started laughing. “As luck would have it, the baby took that moment to spit up on him, all over his shoulder and running down his back. His only words were ‘I have to tend to this’. I don’t know if he intended to talk with me after or not, I just nodded, turned, and walked away.”
Mary stared at me. “That was it?”
I nodded. “That was it.”
“That’s not closure, Isabelle.”
“I know. It’s one of the reasons it’s been so hard. I wanted to apologize to him, to, hopefully, be able to talk out what happened, but then there was nothing. No words between us, nothing. I have no idea what he was thinking and I can’t get the sight of him holding a baby out of my mind.”
It seemed unbearable to think about, but the sight of Jack with a child…what woman’s heart doesn’t melt when she sees the man she loves holding a baby? I glanced at Mary. “Seeing him like that, I realized I had never stopped loving him. And I don’t know how to handle that.” There. I had said it. I was admitting defeat.
“No one would, Isabelle. This isn’t the end of the world, you just have to work through the emotions and, after you get through that, then see where you are. Sometimes just processing the information can make a world of difference.”
“And I lied to Nick about seeing him. He seemed so jealous, I couldn’t tell him what happened.”
Mary nodded. “I figured that part out already. And maybe, for now, it’s for the best that he doesn’t know. At least until after you can process it yourself.”
We spent the remainder of the hour talking about strategies to help me think it through. Even so, by the time we finished talking, I was no closer to knowing how to deal with this than I had been before. But, it was out in the open now with Mary, and Diane knew, so the burden wasn’t so great for me to bear alone.
17
Jack
I was late getting home. I never could pick up Charlotte from my sister’s house and get out of there quickly. I know she meant well, but my sister was pushing for me to forget about Isabelle. Finally, not being able to take it anymore, I broke down and told her about going to counselling and how Izzy was a big part of my thoughts right now, not so much because how I was feeling about her, but because there were so many uncertainties in my life that I had no idea what to do about. I admitted to her that I had no plan of action for what direction I wanted my life to go.
When I finally drove up to my house, it was dark. Madde’s car was nowhere to be seen. She hadn’t said she was working late, and a small niggling in the back of my mind brought to the forefront the coat on the chair across from her at the coffee shop. I shook the thought away. There was no way Madde would do that to me. She may be mad at me, but she wouldn’t throw away our marriage vows…would she? Was it possible that I was the only one who felt a sense of obligation to our wedding vows?
After bathing Charlotte and reading her a bedtime story, I had settled her down and was sitting quietly in the living room when Madde walked in the door. She stopped short when she saw me just sitting there. “Everything okay?” She asked.
“Shouldn’t it be?” I replied.
She shrugged, but didn’t speak.
“Where have you been?” The question was quiet and held no accusation, but sounded so defeated, even to my own ears.
She turned to look at me. “Out, why?”
“Since when, if you are ‘out’, do you not bother to say you won’t be home for dinner? Have we lost any common courtesy between us?”
She seemed to search my face for signs of what…anger, sadness? She didn’t answer for a moment and then she walked over and sat on the couch. “Maybe we can finally have a conversation, if that is alright with you.” The snarkiness of her words immediately put me on edge, yet this is the conversation I wanted.
“Sure.” I waited for her to speak.
She cleared her throat. “This is ridiculous, Jack. Neither one of us is happy.”
“Is it because of Charlotte? I don’t understand you being so hateful to her.” She started to speak, but I raised my hand to stop her. “Yes, I understand you being mad at me because I didn’t talk to you before I brought her home, but there truly was no time.”
“I wouldn’t have brought her home like a stray cat. The mother had other options.” Her words were like a glass of ice water hitting me in the face. Could she really be that heartless?
“Madde.”
“Don’t Madde me. It’s my turn now. Just listen for a change.” She took a deep breath. “We haven’t been on the same page for a long time, Jack…long before you brought her home.”
I broke in. “Her? Charlotte is her name.”
She just shook her head at me. “I don’t really care, Jack, how attached you are to her. Great, good for you. I’m not attached to her, I will never be attached to her and I don’t want anything to do with raising her. This was your opportunity to have a child that you couldn’t have. I can have my own child. I don’t need someone else’s to raise to complete me.”
I was stunned. “You think I took in Charlotte just because I thought she was my only chance for a child? I wanted to adopt, you never did.” I ran my hand over my face, trying to shake the feeling of dread that was overcoming me.
“Wasn’t she? This was a unilateral decision that you made.”
Unilateral. The same word I had used about Izzy all those years ago. She made the decision to push me away and I had allowed her, and it had killed me. Was I unintentionally doing the same thing, still angry that Izzy hadn’t allowed me in on the decision making? Did I do that to Madde?
“I’m sorry, Madde.” I sighed. “I truly am. I never meant for this to become a wedge between us.”
The anger was gone from her as she looked at me. “I know. I know you didn’t do it intentionally, but you did do it and I don’t think there is any coming back from this.”
“What are you saying?”
She stood and looked down at me. “I think we need to each think about our options and how we want to move forward. This…” she gestured between us, “hasn’t been good for a long time.”
Before I could respond, she had left the room and I heard the bedroom door click softly. The anger was gone from the house, but instead a sadness permeated the air. And the crux of the matter was, I knew exactly what option I wanted. The real question
was, how did I move forward and find a new me…the me who has been dying to be set free for years.
The next few days I stayed busy with our newest house project. I was comfortable leaving Charlotte with family and she loved going to my sister’s. The only areas of my life that seemed easy were my role in Charlotte’s life and my job. Everything else was a mess. Madde and I hadn’t really talked since that night. We went through our days living as roommates more than anything. We no longer ate meals together or knew each other’s schedules. Honestly, I suddenly was more at ease in my own house than I had been in years.
I had another week before I went back to see Charles and I had been trying to find a way to grow from these experiences. The truth of the matter was, I had gotten nowhere. My mind always went back to “I did what I needed to do, the right thing”, but it was never what I had wanted to do. Right from the moment Izzy pushed me away, I had done what she wanted me to do -- walk away and, for whatever reason, keep walking. I had done it, but I had never felt right about it. I had wallowed in guilt over that fateful night. Relived every moment of that day in my barracks, trying to find a clue that she had told me she didn’t want it…but, in reality, when I pulled back, she asked me not to stop. I knew in my heart that I hadn’t forced her to do anything, but, what was I missing from that day?
What did I do wrong to make her push me away? In my mind, the word ‘obligation’ was a contributing factor, but in my gut, I had always felt that her parents were behind it. Had they forced her to break up with me? I’d never had the impression that they really liked me and they definitely didn’t like the fact that we were dating. I had believed that the only reason they had allowed it was because they knew my sister through church.
This thought process had become circular. No answers, but a never-ending circle of questions. I tried the list approach. Pros and Cons of all my experiences from Izzy, to my first marriage, to Madde and me. The only con with Izzy was walking away. My first marriage…well that had been a disaster right from the start with me marrying her for the wrong reasons and then there was Madde. I had truly thought I loved her when we married, but two years into it, I felt that it, too, was nothing more than me trying to do the right thing. Had she ever loved me? I thought so, at the beginning, but as soon as she found out I couldn’t have children, the distance between us grew. Where did the list leave me? Nowhere. How could I grow from these life experiences, if I had no idea what they were teaching me? I sighed. I had to be overthinking it, but I had no idea how to go about it in a different way.
Making the Rules Page 8