“I did, but I was intercepted by my mother. She took it out of my hands before I could even take a bite and gave me this instead.” Cassidy held up a large stalk of celery. “This is only six calories, plus you use up one calorie chewing the stupid thing.”
My Earth dictionary told me that a calorie is the amount of heat required to raise the temperature of one gram of water by one degree Celsius. Why would Cassidy’s mother care about that? Cassidy must have seen the confusion on my face because she added, “My mother is a professional calorie counter.”
“Oh, is she a chemist as well as your manager?” I asked. “That’s very impressive.”
“It’s more like a hobby than a profession,” Cassidy said. “She counts the calories of everything that goes into my mouth.”
“Why?”
“I guess there’s no such thing as an overweight alien on your planet,” Cassidy said. “But here on Earth, if you want to be a TV star, you have to look a certain way. At least that’s what my mom believes. She watches everything I eat like a hawk. It’s so depressing.”
“But you should eat when you’re hungry,” I said. “That’s why you get hungry. It’s your body letting you know that you need nourishment.”
“Tell that to my mom,” Cassidy said.
“I’d be happy to. Where is she right about now?”
I noticed that Cassidy had taken a few steps into the bedroom. To my surprise, she flopped onto the chair next to the bed, picked up a beige furry pillow that was shaped like a puppy, and held it tightly in her lap.
“All my mom cares about is that I’m a star,” she said, petting the puppy pillow. “My career is her whole life.”
“What about her life?” I asked. “Doesn’t she care about that?”
“She always wanted to be an actress, but things didn’t work out. No matter how many acting classes she took or auditions she went to, she just never got discovered. Bad luck, I guess.”
“Oh, what she needed was to break a leg or two,” I said, nodding. Cassidy gave me a strange look. “That’s actor talk, you know.”
“Yes, I know,” Cassidy said. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m an actor too.”
“I’m sorry about your mother,” I said. “She must be so disappointed, because so far, this acting stuff is a lot of fun.”
“She promised herself that I would have the success she never got,” Cassidy said. “But the bad part is I have to be perfect for her all the time. She doesn’t even want to know about any part of me that isn’t perfect. When I was just a baby, she had me doing modeling for baby food ads. Then she put me in one kiddy beauty pageant after another. I could never just play with the other kids. I had to be in talent contests and wear sequined dresses and tons of hair spray.”
“You sprayed your hair on?” I asked. “Why, were you bald? Not that it’s bad to be bald. Everyone on my planet is, including me.”
That comment seemed to jolt Cassidy back to reality. She jumped up from the chair, dropped the puppy pillow, and looked at me uncomfortably.
“For a minute, I forgot that you were an alien,” she said. “I was just talking to Buddy.”
“You are talking to Buddy,” I said. Then realizing that my suction cup feet were still sticking out from the unicorn robe, I added, “Just don’t look below my knees.”
“Who is the real you?” Cassidy asked. “The alien with those weird sucker toes and the wild trunk on his back? Or Buddy C. Burger, really nice guy?”
“I’m both,” I said. “Inside, I’m an alien. Outside, I’m a human. But they’re both part of the real me.”
Cassidy thought about that for a long time.
“Actually, that’s just like me,” she said. “There’s the real me on the inside, and then there’s the star me on the outside.”
“I like them both,” I told her. “Maybe you could like both of me too?”
“To tell you the truth, those toes of yours creep me out.”
“Oh, I can fix that,” I said. “Do you want to see?”
“Why do I think I’m going to regret this?”
“It’s not scary,” I assured her. “It’s called biological alteration. If I take this amulet in my hand and concentrate on being Zane Tracy, I will transform completely.”
“Zane Tracy? Who is that?”
“One of my favorite actors from the movies. Didn’t you ever see Teenage Zombie Fighter? It was made in 1952.”
“Even my mother wasn’t born in 1952,” Cassidy said. “I didn’t know they had movies way back then.”
“Oh yes, they had great ones. Grandma Wrinkle and I watched them all. I love zombie movies, so Grandma Wrinkle let me choose Zane Tracy’s face and body to create my human form.”
“Wait, I don’t get it,” Cassidy said. “You’re really Zane Tracy?”
“No, but my skin is.”
Apparently, this was too much for Cassidy. “I have to go,” she said, heading for the door. “I don’t want to see your face blow up and splatter all over the walls.”
“Please stay,” I begged. “You’ll see how it works. And you’ll see that I am still me inside, no matter what I look like on the outside.”
“Okay, but I reserve the right to leave if this gets too nauseating.”
Cautiously, Cassidy leaned against the wall, close to the door. She was ready to bolt at any second. I took hold of the amulet around my neck and closed my eyes, forcing myself to focus. My whole friendship with Cassidy depended on this moment.
“Be Zane,” I chanted. “Be Zane now.”
“You talk to yourself? This is bonkers.”
“Shhhh,” I said. “Don’t say a word. I have to concentrate.”
Silently, I repeated the words over and over. I lost touch with the Earth world as I felt the familiar flash of electricity in my body, followed by a tightening sensation on my back and legs. It was my human skin, forming and wrapping itself around my sensory enhancer and moving down my legs all the way to my feet. When I opened my eyes and looked down, I saw two human legs, a pair of big feet, and ten wriggly human toes. My sensory enhancer was tightly tucked away under my human skin. I stood up and took a bow.
“Buddy C. Burger,” I said to Cassidy. “All complete and at your service.”
Cassidy’s mouth was hanging so far open I thought her jaw would touch the carpet. She looked like she might cry, and immediately I regretted my decision to transform in front of her. I should have known that watching biological alteration would be too scary for any earthling.
Before I could utter any kind of explanation, thundering footsteps came pounding down the hall. They were too heavy to be Eloise’s, so that meant only one thing. Delores was heading toward us, and she was coming fast.
“Kids! Kids! This is incredible,” she shouted, arriving breathlessly. She was holding a phone in one hand and a laptop in the other.
“Buddy, you’ve gone viral,” she said. “That clip from the show, it’s taken off like a rocket ship. We’re getting hits from kids all around the country. Duane just called. He’s already heard from the network executives. They’re over the moon about this.”
“Which moon is that?” I asked. “There are a hundred and eighty-one natural moons orbiting the planets in this solar system alone.”
“Listen to me and stop with the sci-fi jokes, Buddy,” Delores said. “We are at a crossroads here in your career and I need to know that you’re ready to embrace your future and run with it. Grab the brass ring. Go for the gold.”
“Gold? Do you want me wear some of your jewelry?”
“It’s a figure of speech, Buddy. I’m talking about the golden egg, the golden ticket, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Are you with me?”
“Actually, as much as I love rainbows, Cassidy and I were just discussing how I can’t really stay.”
“You’re not going anywhere, young man, except up,” Delores interrupted. “And you’re taking Cassidy with you. Kids, we are sitting on a ratings bonanza. Just look at these
comments. ‘Love that alien. An alien with attitude, it’s about time.’”
I glanced over at Cassidy. She was still looking at my feet.
“I can see it all clearly,” Delores was saying. “Buddy, you and Cassidy featured on every teen blog in the country. A lead story on Entertainment Around the Globe. Maybe even your own line of clothes. Cassidy, this is what we’ve dreamed of for so long.”
“You mean what you’ve dreamed of,” Cassidy muttered.
“Duane said the network wants both of you on the red carpet Monday night when the show airs,” Delores said. “Buddy, can you do that?”
“I’ll have to oil my suction cups so they don’t stick to the carpet or collect lint,” I said, thinking aloud.
“Cassidy, only salads for you from now until then,” Delores clamored on. “You need to fit into that little black sparkly dress. And as for you, Buddy. Tomorrow we shop. I’ll take it from here. I’m calling Rosa in wardrobe now. She’s a professional stylist and she’ll meet us at the mall and help us create a look for you.”
As Delores thundered back down the hall, I could hear her talking to Rosa already, telling her about how she saw me as a combination of a classic hunk, yet with an awkward, almost nerd-like appeal. I understood all the words, but I honestly had no idea what she was talking about.
“So, I guess it looks like you’re staying,” Cassidy said.
“I can leave quietly by the back door, and your mom won’t even hear me,” I said. “That is, if you want me to.”
“Listen, Buddy, can I be honest with you?” Cassidy asked.
“Always.”
“I like you. I like me when I’m with you. When we talk, I don’t have to be anything but me, and that feels good.”
I felt a little lump in my throat, which was a new feeling. I understood what Cassidy was saying—not just the words part, but the feelings part too.
“What doesn’t feel good is knowing that you’re not human,” she went on. “I’m worried that you’re going to declare war on the world or beam me up to your planet or splatter me with ectoplasm.”
“First of all,” I said, “there is no such thing as ectoplasm. It is only in movies.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear that.”
“And second of all, I am not here to declare war on the Earth. I have come in peace.”
“That’s a relief too,” Cassidy said.
“And third of all, I can’t beam you up to my planet because I can’t even go back there myself. I had to run away from the evil Squadron, and if they ever find me, they will capture me and deactivate my sensory enhancer.”
“You mean that snorty thing on your back?”
“Yes.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me.”
“Trust me, it’s not. The sensory enhancer is what makes us able to feel and sense things deeply, to hear music and see art and cry at movies. Without it, we’d just be robots.”
“Is that why you came here, so you wouldn’t be turned into a robot?”
“Exactly.”
Cassidy thought for a long time.
“What do you say, Cass?” I said, almost too afraid to ask the question. “Can I stay? Can you keep my secret? Or will that be too much for you?”
She shook her head. “I still have one question.”
Uh-oh. I thought. Here it comes.
“How do you get red lint out of your suction cups?” she asked.
She broke up laughing, and I did too, like good friends do.
17
“What would you like for breakfast, Buddy?” Delores asked as I walked into the kitchen the next morning. “Eloise is having chocolate chip pancakes with raspberry syrup.”
“They’re yummy,” Eloise said, some purple gooey liquid dribbling from the side of her mouth.
“I wouldn’t know about that,” Cassidy chimed in. “I’m not allowed to have pancakes. I’m having some taste-free egg whites with broccoli.”
“Stop complaining, young lady,” Delores said. “It’s for your own good. You’ll thank me when they take your picture Monday night and it winds up all over YouTube.”
I pulled a chair up to the kitchen table and looked at the food on the plates. My stomach did another one of its back-flips. I was going to have to figure out some Earth foods my body could tolerate, but from the looks of it, breakfast foods were not going to be among them.
“Thanks, Delores,” I said, “but I’ll just have some water.”
There was a pitcher of ice water on the table, so I picked it up and drank it all down in two or three big gulps.
“I think I’ll help myself to another one of those,” I said.
Eloise stared at me, and for the first time since I’d met her, not a word came out of her mouth. I went to the sink, filled the pitcher with tap water, and chugged that one down too.
“Buddy, we don’t drink from the pitcher in this house,” Delores said. “It’s there for everyone to share.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize that.”
“What are you, from outer space?” Cassidy said. I shot her a piercing glance. Was she blowing my secret already? But then I saw a twinkle in her eye and a smile on her face. She shrugged her shoulders and with a giggle said, “What? I was just kidding.”
The water felt good in my body, but I knew I was going to need more to last me for the trip to the mall. Since the pitcher was apparently off-limits, I stuck my head under the faucet and gulped down water until I couldn’t drink any more.
“I see we’re going to have to work on your manners,” Delores said. “And your thirst. What’s with that?”
“I like to be well hydrated.”
“That’s certainly an understatement,” Delores answered. “If you keep drinking like that, the entire state of California is going to suffer from a water shortage.”
I wouldn’t want that to happen, so I made a mental note to keep my water intake to a minimum.
“Okay, ten minutes to get ready, everyone,” Delores said, taking Cassidy’s plate out from under her while her fork was still in midair. “I’ve arranged for Rosa to meet us at the mall when it opens.”
“Cool, can we go to the Hobby Shack?” Eloise asked. “Daddy said I need to get some miniature planes for our airport.”
“You’re going to ballet class,” Delores said.
“But I hate ballet,” Eloise whined. “My teacher says I’m clumsy and that I jump like an elephant, and it’s a known fact that elephants can’t jump.”
“Ballet is good for your posture,” Delores said. “And it burns up a lot of calories.”
There it was, that word again. Cassidy shot me a glance, as if to say, What’d I tell you? Her mother really was a professional calorie counter.
The Fashion Oaks Mall took up an entire city block. There were shops selling everything you could imagine, from baby flip-flops to red paint you put on your lips to chairs that vibrated when you sat in them. We were supposed to meet Rosa in front of the furniture store, and since I was starting to feel a little light-headed, I plopped down in one of those chairs.
“You’re going to love this,” Cassidy said, pushing the ON button.
The chair started to vibrate, and with it, all the water in my stomach began to churn. You probably know the feeling—like a thousand red beetles were somersaulting around in there, kicking their feet all at once. I was relieved when I saw Rosa hurrying to meet us.
“I’ve done some preshopping,” she said, getting right down to business. “And I’ve picked out some clothes that I believe will really speak to your fan base, Buddy.”
“Talking clothes?” I said. “I wonder what they’ll say? I’ll bet the pants say, ‘No, the zipper goes in front, dummy!’”
Cassidy and Rosa shared a laugh, and I joined in, even though I didn’t realize I had said something funny. Delores was the only one who did not laugh. She seemed to really enjoy not laughing.
Rosa led us across the mall, past the toy shop, past the pet store, past the jewelry
store displaying its shining precious gems. I recognized several of them as minerals that Citizen Three Lips and I used to dig up on my planet—emeralds, sapphires, and black diamonds. It was odd that what humans wore as decoration, we used as marbles.
When we reached the big store at the end, Rosa led us to the men’s department, where there was a salesperson waiting for us.
“Hi, Quinton,” Rosa said. “This is Buddy. As I told you, he’s heading for stardom and we need to give him a look. He’s got a red carpet Monday.”
Quinton studied me carefully.
“Is this what you typically wear?” he asked. “White tee shirt and jeans.”
“Yes, it’s what I typically wear because it’s all I have.”
“Well, not for long, Buddy. You’re in Quinton’s world now.”
He and Rosa went up and down the aisles, picking out shirts and pants and sweatshirts. Then, with his arms loaded with clothes, he asked me to follow him into a fitting room.
“Ladies, you wait here,” he said. “Buddy is going to come and model for us. Oh, and by the way,” he said, turning to Cassidy, “I love your show.”
“Thank you,” Cassidy said. “What’s your favorite episode?”
“That’s enough, Cassidy,” Delores said impatiently. “Let Quinton concentrate on Buddy now. We’ll send him a signed picture or something later.”
The fitting room walls were covered with mirrors. I looked at myself from head to toe. It was the first time I had seen my Zane Tracy look from every angle. Not to sound conceited, but I looked pretty good. Grandma Wrinkle had done a great job.
I put on everything that Quinton had picked out for me. Tight black jeans rolled up at the cuff, a black tee shirt with I NEED SPACE written in white letters, and over it, a black sweatshirt with a hood. I left the dressing room and came out with the old Zane Tracy swagger, the strut he used when he confronted the zombies in the town square in the classic Attack of the Killer Zombies. Unfortunately, my strut was ruined when I tripped on the way out and fell flat on my face. I was still getting used to walking on my new Earth feet, and the skintight jeans didn’t help any either.
“What do you think?” I asked the assembled group after I regained my composure.
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