‘How are you?’ Claudia asked.
‘Coffee, tea?’ Ali turned away towards the espresso machine.
‘I’d love a coffee,’ Kayla said.
‘Tea for me, please,’ Claudia said.
Tom cleared his throat in the background. ‘I’m going to go for a run.’ He wilted under Ali’s furious glare and retreated to the outside world.
‘Don’t be angry with him,’ Kayla said. ‘He’s worried about you.’
‘So are we,’ Claudia added.
Ali pressed the button on the espresso machine and let the roar of grinding coffee beans drown out their voices. She still had coffee left in her mug, so she made one for Kayla and steamed the milk. When the kettle had boiled, she dunked a teabag into a cup for Claudia and added a dash of milk, just the way she liked it. They each took their drinks and sat down at the dining table.
Kayla and Claudia gazed at her across the table, identical expressions of pity wreathing their faces. Ali’s hands shook from the caffeine she’d already consumed, and she wrapped them around her mug to steady them.
‘Sorry for dropping in on you like this,’ Claudia said into the heavy silence. ‘We just want to be here for you, help you through this.’
Anger flared inside her. ‘And how are you going to do that? Flaunt your perfect families in front of me?’
‘That’s not what we’re doing, Ali.’ Kayla looked upset. ‘I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through right now. But we’re your friends. We want to help you.’
‘I don’t need any help.’
Ali drained her coffee and set her cup down, and her shaking hands sent it juddering across the table. Claudia’s hand snatched out to stop its trajectory. ‘We just wanted to let you know that we’re here if you want to talk.’
She’d been so relieved when everyone at work had finally stopped saying that, and now here it was again.
Claudia stood up and took Ali’s cup over to the sink, hunched over as if to hide her pregnant belly. Guilt leaked in around Ali’s anger. It wasn’t their fault; she knew they wanted to help. But it’d taken all her strength to pull herself together. If she let go now, she might never be able to do it again. She forced her mouth to smile.
‘I’m OK, guys, really. I’m back at work and I’m putting all this behind me.’
Kayla nodded, but the worried frown hadn’t left her face. ‘You know where we are if you need anything.’
Claudia came back to the table and sat in the chair beside Ali. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, and Ali’s determined self-control shook. ‘I feel horrible about what I said… that day we had lunch. I hope you don’t blame yourself.’
Don’t you? Ali wanted to ask. ‘There’s no need for you to feel guilty, Claud,’ she said instead. The feet of her chair screeched on the tiles as she pushed it back from the table and stood up. ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going into work this morning, so I need to get ready.’
Her friends exchanged glances as they got to their feet. Before Ali could dodge out of the way, Kayla stepped forward and hugged her. ‘Please come and visit sometime. If you want.’
For a fleeting second, Ali felt herself falling into the warmth of her friend’s embrace, but then she pulled away and smiled again. ‘Sure, when I’ve got time.’
She showed them to the door and closed it behind them before they’d even reached Kayla’s car. She hadn’t intended to go into work, but now she couldn’t bear the thought of sitting in this house all day long, waiting for the weekend to be over, trying to avoid Tom’s relentless positivity, his fervent wish that she talk through her feelings when all she wanted to do was forget. It had been a strange kind of relief, the other day, when he’d made that crack at her about not having a heart. Part of her wanted to be punished, or to fight, or something, anything to stop her being this passive receptacle waiting to be filled up with other people’s pity.
Tom
Every night, Tom came home with the determination to embrace his wife, to pull her back to him and re-establish the connection they’d always shared. But every time he tried, he couldn’t break through the barrier between them.
Tonight was going to be different.
Ali was perched on a stool at the island bench, still in her suit. A glass of red wine sat in front of her. He sidled up next to her and slipped his arm around her waist. Her body felt so familiar and so right against his, and he moved in closer. She turned her face towards him, and for a second he thought she was going to kiss him, but then she looked away again.
‘How was your day?’ he asked.
‘Busy. Election stuff. How was yours?’
Tom hesitated, unsure now how to broach the topic. ‘Cliff has asked me to go to Sydney for a couple of days. I was—’
‘You don’t have to ask my permission, Tom,’ she cut across him. ‘I’m quite capable of coping without you.’
‘Actually, I was hoping you might come with me,’ Tom said. ‘I’ll be going on Thursday and Friday, so we could stay on for the weekend.’
‘I can’t.’
Tom was stung by her immediate response. ‘Won’t you even consider it?’
‘This is going to be a big week, probably the busiest week of the year. I can’t just leave.’
He tried to keep the note of pleading from his voice. ‘Just come for the weekend, then.’
She gave a dismissive laugh. ‘News bulletins and papers don’t stop on the weekend, you know.’
Tom’s arm was still around her, but she felt rigid now, as if he were holding her there against her will. ‘I thought it might be a good opportunity for us to get away from things for a few days.’
She swivelled around on her stool. Her face was softer now. ‘Thank you for thinking of it. But even if I could get away, I’m not really up for a holiday right now.’
Tom fought back his disappointment. At least she was looking at him now. That was something. Before she could turn away, he leant in and brushed his lips against hers. Her startled eyes looked into his, but she didn’t pull away. Encouraged, Tom tightened his arm around her waist and drew her body closer. After so long without contact, he wanted to drink her in, absorb her, banish her pain. He parted his lips slightly to deepen the kiss.
Ali sat back abruptly. The barrier sprang up again. Tom’s arm dropped back to his side.
He tried to keep the desperation from his voice. ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’ She smiled at him, but her eyes held a world of sadness. ‘Yes, I know you do.’
Ali
It wasn’t that she didn’t still love him. When he’d put his arm around her, when he’d kissed her, she’d almost let go. And for a second, the full force of the grief she’d worked so hard to push aside had rushed on her in a tidal wave.
Why did he find it so easy to reach out to her when it was so impossible for her? Was he really over it already? She would have to try harder, that was all.
When Friday afternoon came around, Ali shied away from going home. Tom would be back that night and somehow, maintaining the act for her colleagues seemed like the easier task. It was exhausting, but it was exhilarating, in the way that a day full of impossible deadlines could be.
She waited until four o’clock, then ducked into Kamala’s office next to hers.
‘Ali, what’s up?’ A fleeting look of panic crossed her colleague’s face, and Ali realised that she was afraid of being caught alone with her. Afraid that she’d want to talk about it.
‘It’s been a crazy week. I thought we all deserved a drink.’
Relieved laughter escaped Kamala’s lips. ‘You know I’d never turn down a drink. The others up for it?’
‘I’ll ask them.’
* * *
The hum of the after-work crowd embraced her like an old friend as Ali walked into the Union with her colleagues.
‘Pale ale, Ali?’ called out the woman behind the bar.
‘Make it four.’
She juggled the four pi
nts of beer across the room to where Kamala and the other two stood around a high table. They all took their beers and clinked their glasses together. Ali took a sip. It’d been so long since she’d had a beer, and it tasted fantastic. She took a larger mouthful. ‘So, what are you guys up to on the weekend?’
Kamala groaned. ‘Going through the responses to Nancarrow’s latest bloody FOI, before the department sends it over and gives him something else to beat Geoff over the head with in question time.’
Paul Nancarrow was the shadow education minister and he’d been hounding Geoff in parliament ever since the whispers about Dixon’s corruption had begun. As Geoff’s key education adviser, Kamala absorbed the bulk of the work that resulted from Nancarrow’s frequent freedom of information requests.
‘Shit, that reminds me.’ Dan put his beer down on the table. ‘I’ve been meaning to tell you guys something.’
Linh gave him a playful push. ‘Dan, are you pregnant?’
There was a sudden, strained silence at Linh’s faux pas. No one looked at Ali. Her heart slowed for a few beats, then she took another gulp of her beer. ‘Are you going to tell us or not, Dan?’ she said lightly.
Relief splashed across his face. ‘You know how Nancarrow was an academic years ago? Well, turns out he had an affair with one of his students. There was an inquiry and he almost lost his job, but then his wealthy father intervened, the student switched to a different major and the whole thing went away. Except that it didn’t.’ He leant closer to them. ‘That student is now the head of the law school at Adelaide Uni.’
‘How did you find out about that?’ A smile tugged at one corner of Kamala’s mouth.
Dan smiled smugly. ‘Well, her daughter just happens to be my girlfriend.’
Ali’s eyes sparkled with delight. ‘Dan Morrows, why did you not tell me this sooner?’
Without warning, the cheery atmosphere of the pub faded away to the muted starkness of the hospital emergency room, and Tom’s words bounded around inside her head.
Why didn’t you say something sooner?
Sweat prickled under her arms and her insides curled. A familiar panic began to rise within her. She began to gasp in an attempt to get air into her lungs, then tried to cover it up with a bout of coughing.
Linh gave her an ineffectual pat on the back. ‘You OK, Ali?’
She coughed again, and took another large gulp of beer. Her vision cleared and her breathing began to return to normal. ‘Beer must have gone down the wrong way. So, Dan, how long have you kept this information to yourself?’
‘I only found out last night,’ Dan admitted. ‘I went around to her parents’ place for dinner and somehow we got onto the topic of Nancarrow. Her mother can’t stand the guy so she was only too happy to pass on the info.’
‘Well well.’ Ali drained the last of her beer with a flourish. ‘I might just have to drop a casual hint to Nancarrow’s media adviser that it would be unwise to keep pursuing the Dixon thing.’
Dan looked nervous. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea? I don’t want Ange’s mum to end up in the media.’
Ali gave a dismissive wave of her hand. ‘Oh, don’t worry about that. He’ll be too terrified of this getting out to call our bluff. The Libs think they’re going to win this election. They won’t want to take any risks with their high-profile members.’
‘OK, as long as you’re sure it won’t get back to her?’
‘Dan, trust me. This is good news. Now, I think this calls for another drink, what do you reckon?’
As Dan headed to the bar to buy the next round, Ali got her phone out of her bag and started tapping out a message to Paul Nancarrow’s adviser.
Tom
When the taxi pulled into the driveway, Tom was surprised to see the house was still dark. It was nine thirty and he’d expected to find Ali at home waiting for him. And that perhaps she’d missed him, just a little bit, and perhaps she’d finally talk to him. But the house was silent, still, as if it had remained empty since he’d left yesterday morning.
He dumped his travel bag on the bed and slowly stripped off his tie, shirt and trousers, tossing up whether he should call Ali or trust that she’d contact him if she was in trouble. She’d hate him treating her like a child. Still, he couldn’t help the tremor of unease that prickled his neck. She’d known he was coming home tonight.
He was just pulling on tracksuit pants and a jumper when he heard her key in the front door. She met him in the hallway, her face flushed with what looked a little like happiness and a little like tipsiness. Tom instinctively smiled back at her.
‘You’re back!’ she said brightly.
‘I’m back.’ He moved in to embrace her, pretending not to notice how her eyes slid away from his. ‘Did you have work drinks again?’
‘Yeah.’ She walked away from him up the hallway, her steps ever so slightly uneven. ‘I found out a very interesting titbit of information about Nancarrow tonight. Let’s just say he won’t be giving Geoff too much trouble in parliament for a while.’
‘Oh yeah?’ Tom usually found the minutiae of politics uninteresting, but it felt like so long since Ali had talked to him, anything was better than nothing at all.
They reached the kitchen and Ali flung her handbag onto the bench. ‘Want a beer?’
‘Sure.’ Tom sat on one of the stools and watched as she pulled two beers from the fridge and handed him one. ‘So what’s this interesting news you found out?’
Her eyes shone as she launched into a detailed explanation of the skeleton in Paul Nancarrow’s closet. Tom tried to look interested, but there was something about her gleeful enthusiasm, something about the way she tipped her head back to swallow her beer, that made him cold inside. He’d been trying to reach her for weeks while she pushed him away, and now all it took was one potential political scandal and she was acting as if nothing major had happened in their lives. As if Elizabeth had never happened.
‘How was your trip?’ she asked when she’d reached the end of her anecdote.
‘It was fine,’ he said. Silence filled the room and suddenly he needed to talk about something real, something important to them both. ‘It felt wrong to be away from you so soon after… Elizabeth.’
Ali’s shoulders bunched up around her neck when he said her name. Her hand tightened around the beer bottle.
‘I still think about her every day,’ Tom continued, his voice tentative. ‘I still wonder what kind of person she might’ve been.’ He paused for one beat, two, three. Ali said nothing. ‘Do you?’
Her knuckles turned white. She took another swig from the bottle, and finally, she raised her eyes to his. ‘I was thinking on the way home, why don’t we invite Jason and Anthea over for dinner next weekend, get some nice cheeses from the markets. What do you think?’
The uninspiring meal Tom had eaten on the plane hardened into a tight ball in his stomach. Resentment began to pump through him. He set his beer down on the marble benchtop harder than he’d intended. ‘Anthea has cancer, Ali. I’m not sure she’ll be up for a fucking dinner party. Not everyone can move on with life the way you do.’
Ali stared back at him. Her face was naked as the enthusiasm, the fragile happiness, was stripped away.
‘I’m sorry.’ He held his hand out towards her. ‘I didn’t mean…’
She drained the last of her beer and backed away. ‘I’m going to bed.’
Before
‘I bought something for the baby today,’ Ali said as they changed out of their work clothes.
Tom pulled a T-shirt over his head. ‘I thought you didn’t want to get anything until the last trimester?’
‘I know.’ Ali ducked her head, feeling suddenly sheepish. ‘But now we know she’s a girl, it all seems more real. I wanted to mark the occasion.’
Tom held out his hand with a grin. ‘OK, let’s see it then.’
She passed over the plastic bag and watched as he pulled out the pink onesie, unfolded it and read the lettering on the front wi
th a bemused smile.
‘Alison O’Hare, strident feminist, buys her daughter something pink that says “Daddy’s little princess”? Have I stepped into a parallel universe?’
Ali gave him a push, her face flushing hot with embarrassment. ‘I know it’s lame, but I’m very hormonal right now, and it reminded me of my dad… he always used to call me princess when I was a little girl. Obviously I don’t want to buy into the whole sugar and spice thing, but when I saw this it made me sad that he never got to meet his grandchild.’
Tom put his arms around her, his expression tentative. ‘It’s not too late to give Hazel the chance to meet her, you know.’
She pulled out of his embrace. ‘Yes, it is.’
Ali
Ali woke to feel Tom’s arm encircling her from behind. His body was warm, his scent so familiar that she could barely remember a time when she hadn’t breathed it in every morning. She put her hand on his arm, her fingers stroking the fine hair.
Then the memory of the previous night came flooding back, and she scrambled away from him and sat up.
‘Wait.’ Tom’s touch was light on her elbow. ‘I’m sorry about what I said last night. I know you haven’t moved on. I know it still hurts, and that you’re just trying to get through every day, just like I am.’
She fingered the edge of the pillowcase. ‘Everybody thinks I’m broken. Even you. I’m not happy, Tom. I just want to be able to enjoy normal things again. Is that so unfair?’
‘Of course it’s not.’ He moved his hand up her arm to her shoulder. ‘It’s just… No. It’s not unfair at all. I’ll ask Jason whether Anthea might be up for dinner next weekend. It’s a good idea.’
Ali forced a smile. ‘Thank you.’
His hand moved to the back of her neck and he gently guided her face down to his. She kissed him. His lips felt good against hers and she felt herself letting go, melting towards him. He pulled her on top of him, his hands exploring her body, his tongue seeking out hers.
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