by Ella Jackson
I choked back tears. “I guess you’re right.”
Joe put an arm over the back. The bed ruffled my hair. “You need to get better kiddo, so you can be back at our games.”
This was a last-minute sort of thing. I never imagined this would happen to me. At least not when I’d moved here. My father told me not to do it, that I was getting myself into something I couldn’t handle, but I didn’t listen.
Honestly, I needed to do this on my own.
Or at least that’s what I thought.
And I wanted Will. I had to explain to him how I felt. I wouldn’t let him get close to me, despite how much he tried. I kept pushing him away.
I shook my head.
Obviously, I’d underestimated him and his team, and I never made the same mistake twice.
“Don’t worry, Tanya. Everything is going to be okay.”
I smiled a little at that, but when my eyes met theirs, I suddenly felt sure of it myself. Maybe it wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
Twenty-One
A day I’d been dreading since Tanya had an accident had turned into the best day ever. I hadn’t even been able to talk to her. Since then, but I was doing this for her.
We were so close to our first game, and training was looking up. This season we were going to start strong. Maybe we even make it to the final.
I wanted this.
The team wanted this.
We’d all been doing this for years now, getting ready for this our first season as the Thunderbirds. Every practice we got better and better, we got smoother and hungrier.
I hoped that Tanya was still okay. My texts went unanswered, and I knew when to leave well enough alone.
She said I had saved her life. And she said I was the one she wanted to go on that journey with.
She opened my eyes to things I never knew I wanted.
I was worried about her, but I couldn’t do anything except think of her. I told myself it was for the best.
At least right now it was for the best.
I had no distractions, nothing to take my focus away from the first game of the season. This season was going to be the defining moment of my career, and I couldn’t let anything get in the way of that.
Not even Tanya.
I just gotten home from training, and the one thing I needed before I walked into my apartment was a hot bath and a warm bed. I didn’t bother turning around, but I heard a noise behind me.
There she was, sitting on the fence outside my apartment, crutches underneath both arms, like she’d been waiting there for hours.
“Hey, Will.”
“Tanya.”
She rose, awkwardly on the balls of her feet.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I’m getting better at this.”
Something was wrong. She smiled, but the old sparkle in her eyes was gone. "I wanted to ask if you are okay.”
I looked over for some sign of what was wrong. “I’m okay, but thanks for asking.”
She nodded. “I wanted to be sure that you weren’t being distracted. I know you’ve got a lot to do, getting ready for the first game of the season.”
I shrugged. “I’m good. We're nearly ready, and that’s what matters more than anything else.”
She nodded slowly. “Okay, well, that’s good. I’m sorry about not responding to your messages. I thought it was…best.” She stepped to the side and held a hand out. “It’s as good a time as any, to say–“
I stood looking at her, taking her in. She was so beautiful. We were getting dangerously close to kissing and I just wasn’t ready to do that.
She glanced down at her hands, though they were empty. “Look at that. I’ve got to go.”
I shook my head. “No, wait. Come inside for a minute.”
She paused for a minute, eyes locked on me. “Okay.”
It took us a long time to get up the stairs. After every landing she stopped, breathing heavily. I tried to help her for the first two, but she waved me away. Her face was grey, and streaked with sweat.
“Tanya, are you sure this is a good idea?”
She clenched her fist in her crutches, and nodded quickly. “I can do it.”
We made it into my apartment, and she sat down on the sofa in relief.
“Can I get you anything?”
“Just water.”
I didn’t know what I was doing here, but what I did know was that I was glad to see her.
Why was she here now?
I recognised that she wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what it was. I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her, but something stopped me.
“What’s going on? Is everything okay?” She gave a weak smile.
“Things are fine. I’m getting better every day. Sure, some days are better than others, and I won’t be back at work for quite a while, but I’ll get there in the end.”
I nodded slowly. “Have you got…people to help you?”
She rubbed her hands on her jeans. “Will, I realise I’ve made a big mistake.”
My eyes shot to hers. “What do you mean?”
She took a deep breath. “My work. Being a cop has affected my past relationships, and it’s always been this thing. I didn’t want to rule my life, but it did. I was so focused on my work, I couldn’t do anything else. When the accident happened, I got so afraid that you’d be dragged into all of this, so… I don’t know.”
I turned, and looked out of the window, hands on hips, searching for something to say. “Okay, I see.”
She paused and smiled. “So this is what Jessie meant.”
“I don’t know what you mean, Tanya.”
“She was worried when I said I was coming to see you. I talked to her a lot when I was in hospital, Will. She made me understand how important you are to me.”
My stomach twisted. “Tanya, I –“
“The first time I met you, Will, I’ve never forgotten how you looked.” Turning back to me, she took in a long breath. “I was so lost and alone. When I moved here I devoted myself to my work. But then I met you.”
She looked into my eyes and smiled, and I felt my heart swell inside my chest.
“Tanya, I never meant for that to happen.”
“I know. But I’m glad it did.”
“I wasn’t expecting to see you again. Since he said what you said, I've been focused on the team. On Saturday night. This way I have something that gets me through the day. Through the week.” I swallowed and looked away.
I didn’t know what to say. No one can predict the future, but I had decided that my future would be without Tanya.
Since the moment I met her, she’d become all the things I never realised I wanted in a girl, and that was more than just looks. I knew that she knew this, but she still held back, as if going forward would be too difficult, or bring up too many questions. I knew I was being dramatic, but if I could focus on the game, on the team, then everything would be okay.
I wouldn’t have a life, but everything would be okay.
“Look, Tanya, I don’t know what you want me to say. You were clear when I said what he said.”
She glanced back at me, and I thought I saw tears in her eyes. “But I wanted to–“
“Tanya if you came here to say goodbye, that’s okay. I understand that. I’ve been ready for you to say goodbye for a week now. I’m moving forward, Tanya. The team needs me.”
She leaned her head back, showing me her face, striped with a single tear. “I’m so sorry Will. I’d never meant to hurt you. I was terrified when the accident happened, terrified of giving myself a way to you.”
I understood, I really did. She’d been through a lot in the last year, and she built a wall around herself. I understood that war, because I had one to years and years of watching out for yourself will do that to a person.
I wasn’t sure why she was here, in front of me now, talking to me, but it was clear to me that I was not her future. She was a survivor; she did what she
had to do.
“I get it, Will, I do. But I want to be what you need. Just for the record, I wanted to push you away, but once I got to know you, I would have done anything to keep you with me. I made some mistakes, Will, but I want to be a part of your life again.”
I tried another sad smile. “But you didn’t, Tanya. You had that opportunity and you turned it down. Hell, Tanya, I would give anything to be able to say yes to you, but I know what my job is, I know who needs me, and you don’t need. I can handle this, but I need to get my head straight. Right now I need to focus on the team."
She nodded, clearing her throat. “I’m sorry. You can’t say I didn’t try.”
“I can’t say you didn’t try.” I shook my head. “I wanted to risk everything for you. I tried. I made all the commitments I could, and you made your decision. We can’t go down this road again. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want you to go through what you had to again. Not on my account.”
I was conscious now of her breathing, and I kept my feelings well guarded, close to my chest to prevent them showing on my face. She looked like she was going to say something, but I held up a hand.
“Tanya, I don’t have the luxury of being able to forget that you existed. But this is the most important week of my career. And that means it’s game time. I hope you understand.”
“Will, please-I think-“
“Tanya, I can’t afford to care what you think any more. There was a time when I did, but that time is now passed.”
She stood up slowly and painfully. “I understand. I won’t make this your problem again. I hope you know how sorry I will always be.”
“Me too.”
She looked as if she was going to lean forward to kiss me, but then stopped and extended a shaky hand from her crutches. I clasped it like a drowning man clasping a life preserver. “Take care.”
I watched her make her way to the door slowly and painfully through the door and down the stairs. I stood in silence on my empty room as the noise of her crutches on the stairwell faded away into the distance.
She was gone. Again. And this time I did it.
I had had the whole week to get used to her not being with me, that being here, knowing at the end, it’ll just be me again, is some kind of torture.
I could have stopped her. Maybe in another world, at another time, if I were younger, I would have.
But I didn’t.
And now I needed to be strong one last time.
Even if she didn’t deserve this, the team did. They deserve the best of me, my best focus. During the last week I still held on to some hope that that there could still be something for us.
But seeing her now had only hardened my resolve
And now every ounce of my heart belonged to her. And I was the one leaving.
In that moment, she walked out the door, I wanted nothing more than to put a hand on her shoulder and stop her, to put my arms around her, but I couldn’t. What happened wasn’t her fault, but I was angry at the world putting us both in this position.
I couldn’t help it, and neither could she.
What was I even saying?
Whatever it was I had to deal with it. I had work to do, and only a short number of days to do it in. I dropped my bags and went into my bedroom to change.
I had phone calls to make, and video to review, and a workout to finish before the end of the night.
Twenty-Two
This was the worst day of my life.
But the respect I felt for Will and that moment… Of all the things that have happened to us, this was the worst.
Jessie and Ricky and Joe had reminded me of everything he sacrificed to win me back, and thinking about it just made me happy. He cared about me.
Of course, I was a fool to assume he knew what I was going through.
Those guys opened my eyes. They made me realise there was more to me, and my future, than just my job. For the most part, today went well, but keeping my anger inside was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do.
I'd never give up what I've worked so hard for just to help him. I couldn't give him what he wanted, and I wasn't going to be the one to take from him all of the things he dreamed of.
We were done. I should have realised my mistake weeks ago. That day in the cafe, I took a leap of faith, and I was still shocked that I had the bravery to do it. I did it, and despite what it happened. I would always be proud of myself for doing it.
How was I supposed to live my life after this? And if I was going to, what would happen to me? How could I do this when I didn't even understand it myself? There was no coming back from what he'd said.
If only there were – but there weren't. It might be trite, it might be a cliche, but it was true.
He was the one that got away, the one I pushed away, because I was too focused on my damn career, on my expectations, and my desire to be a cop.
My promise to myself was that I had to get over him, now and forever. I had to pretend he didn't exist.
I was scared.
I knew Jessie was right, saying that I had to try and talk to him, and I couldn't give up, but I didn't want to any more. He'd made his feelings clear, and I couldn't change that.
I was making my way, painfully back to work. Outside the front of the building I paused for a moment. The last time I was here, I was stepping outside. Just before the car hit me - everything after that was a blank.
"Hey, Tanya!" Matt opened the door, his face creasing in a smile. "It's so good to see you again!"
"Hey, Matt." Despite myself. I was glad to see him again too. He helped me inside, and back to my old desk. One by one, co-workers came up to shake my hand, ask how I was feeling and bring me little presents.
A box of strawberries, a block of chocolate, some flowers.
They were all little things, but every single one of the matted. Every single one of them said, "we're here, and we're thinking of you."
I rifled through the papers on my desk. "Hey, Matt," I called to him, "where's the file on the car that hit me?"
He swallowed. "I thought you wouldn't want to…"
I shook my head. "No, give it to me. I want to be able to do this myself. Whatever was going on there, I need to know for myself."
Reluctantly he handed over a brown Manila folder. "Here's everything we've got."
For most of the morning, I I worked on the file, crosschecking plate numbers and eyewitness accounts. There was no security camera footage pointed at the outside of the precinct, so I had to work with whatever I could. Eyewitness accounts said the car had accelerated just before it hit me.
Who would do that? It didn't make sense.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. "We'll find out who did this, Tanya, and we'll make sure they won't get away with it." Matt was standing above me, looking down, his face radiating concern. "Look, are you sure you're okay to be back at work? It's only been a few days, and you had a bad accident. You know that we can handle this on our own, right? Why don't you go back to-"
I interrupted him. "Yeah, I know. But sitting at home was even worse, and I felt like at least if I was here, I could do something.
He nodded. "Yeah, I can see what you mean. Did Will come over and-"
He saw the look on my face, and stopped.
"We, we… Well, I guess we're not together anymore." The words came out more easily than I thought they have a would. I thought when I said them they would wrench me apart, but instead I just felt a sense of emptiness inside.
Matt's face registered shock. "But, what? Why? Didn't you go and –"
"I did. He said that he couldn't focus on anything else except the game. I understand that. I respect his decision. And there's nothing to be done about it."
"He's an idiot." Matt's face was flushed. "What the hell does he think he's doing?"
"He's always sure of himself, he didn't doubt what he was saying. I saw the look on his face, Matt. I heard his tone of voice. He's not a guy who changes his mind once it's made up
. He needs to focus on the team, just like I need to focus on what I'm going to do. Yeah, I know what you can say, it's not fair. But I deserve it." I sighed and stared at the papers in front of me.
"You're giving up?"
I nodded, looking away, so the tears pricking my eyes wouldn't be visible. "I haven't been fair to you, Matt. You're my friend, and you did everything you could to help me. I still don't know what I did to deserve you, or the rest of my friends, or the team here.
Matt shook his head. "Don't talk like that, Tanya. Sure, maybe he's distracted right now, because of the game and because of his career, but he's not going to just give you up like that. There's no way he's that dumb." He pursed his lips. "Look, I'm sorry this has happened. I wish I'd been there, maybe saying something, I don't know…"
I chuckled, wryly. "Yeah, like that would really help, you and your famous sense of tact." I wiped my face. "Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I wanted to let you know that I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, and I owe you one. Got that, buddy?"
He nodded slowly. After a few moments, I stood up, slowly and still a little painfully, but it was enough to make the moment pass.
"Now, let's try and find the bastard who ran me down."
By 5 p.m., we'd identified a couple of leads. We were on the way to narrowing down what had happened. Witnesses had failed to get the license plate of the car, a black sedan, but there was enough information from the shape of the tail-lights to narrow it down to one of a few different types. We cross-checked this against infringement databases showing parking tickets and found five possible vehicles that were in the area at the time. Now the only thing to do was to find the owners.
"Well," Matt pushed the sheaf of papers away from him and leaned back in his chair. "My head hurts, but I think we're getting somewhere. Do you want a hand getting home?"
I put both hands on the desk and steadied myself as I stood. "No, I should be okay. Thank you."
I looked around the station. All around me, the life of the job continued; people coming and going, people leaving and arriving. I was happy that this was my life, that this was the most important thing for me. But I couldn't shake the belief that when Will had said there was no future for us, I'd lost some kind of vital part of myself.