James rolled me on my back, settled between my legs and sighed heavily. “Today is going to be a good day, Tricia. I can’t profess to know how you feel, but you got this, baby. If there are moments when you think you don’t, I’ll be there and I got you, okay?”
I nodded, my heart swelling with love, as I stared into the gorgeous trusting eyes of the beautiful man in my life, in the early morning light. We fell silent, locked in another gaze that calmed my heart as we took time to appreciate the other. Each morning when we woke had become our special time to connect, and that morning the world seemed serenely quiet. Dawn had barely broken and we used that window in our day just to breathe each other in.
“I can’t believe this is my life,” I mumbled. James immediately dropped his head closer and kissed me softly on the lips.
“This is nothing, baby, not compared to what comes next for us. This is only the beginning of better times—together—given what we’ve both been through in our pasts.”
He smoothed down my hair and stroked my cheek, as his gaze grew more intense. The adoration in his eyes made my heart clench.
“Some people know from an early age what they want from life, some wait a lifetime and never know … and then there are people like us who go through a shit ton of testing times before we know how it’s meant to be. I’d do all of that again, knowing you were at the end of it.” Seeing the love in his eyes made me believe every word of that statement.
Dropping his forehead to mine, he gave me a slow sensual smile as the heat from his strong body burned into my skin, and the same sexual chemistry that had drawn us both together took over my thoughts. James’ ability to make me forget everything but us spiked my desire, despite my fragile emotional state.
“Tricia Mattison, you are the sexiest woman alive. Even when I’m trying desperately to be sensitive and do the right thing by you, my body’s on fire lying over you like this.”
From the passionate way he searched my face, I felt in no doubt of that. A smile tugged at his lips when I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him closer to me, no matter what I faced that day I wanted him.
When James made love to me early that morning, how he took me and worshipped me had felt like he’d done that just for my pleasure, not his own. It had felt like a demonstration of his restraint, denying his powerful want to satisfy me with his every action and soulful intense gaze. Yet, even though he handled me with care, tenderness, and compassion, there wasn’t a moment where we lost the essence of carnal desire in our connection.
The journey back to New York that morning went by in a blur. Lost in thoughts, I relived the day Erin was born and hashed over the scene again in my mind. I barely remember getting out of the car as James steered me to the elevator from his apartment building parking lot and out onto the street.
Lifting our hands, James pressed his lips to my knuckles as he held my hand firmly in his, our interlaced fingers firmly together in a show of unity as we walked purposefully toward the sports bar four blocks down from James’ apartment building. Anxious feelings, which had taken hold since the moment we’d gotten out of bed, increased with every step.
“You look beautiful,” he told me for the fifth time since I’d walked out of the bedroom that morning.
Dressed in a jade green, fitted bodice dress with an A-line skirt and black patent leather heels, I had tried for a demure responsible look. Yet, when I’d stared in the mirror, I figured it wouldn’t have mattered what I’d chosen to wear because clothes didn’t make a person, their words and actions did. My heart sank to my stomach when I reminded myself of that point.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I said, when my courage decided to desert me, and my feet instantly faltered on the sidewalk.
“You got this, Tricia,” James replied in a stern but decisive tone. My worried eyes darted to his, but my mind went blank.
“Listen, she’s probably sitting there waiting for you. Are you really going to leave her not ever knowing about you? Could you live with that? Could you live with yourself if you missed the opportunity to know her?”
My heart pounded wildly against my breastbone, my legs wobbled so hard that I feared I couldn’t take another step. James had obviously realized this, stepped in front of me, and his free arm wrapped tightly around me. I glanced at our hands still firmly together and saw James’ knuckles and fingers had blanched white in my grip. I immediately released my hold and pulled my hand away.
“Sorry.” My apology came out in a whisper. James immediately wrapped his other arm around me and kissed my temple.
“Don’t be.” He leaned back to see me better. “I haven’t underestimated the magnitude of what you’re about to do, baby. But… you’re definitely underestimating yourself. Not only can you do this, you will do it, and when it’s over your heart will be far lighter for it. Trust me, I’ve met her. Do you think I’d let you do something I felt would destroy you?”
Peace settled in my soul for a few seconds following his question, and I believed wholeheartedly that James would never purposefully do me wrong.
“No… no I don’t,” I confirmed, trusting his judgement.
“Then we should be headed to the bar, not here on the sidewalk waiting for grass to grow under our feet.” Giving me a gentle tug until I almost lost my balance, James kept his eyes on mine until I began walking again. “There, see? You’ve got this… and remember when you don’t, I got you too.” A small smile curved my lips and I nodded, because his little reminder I wasn’t on my own helped me through.
Fear, excitement, dread, shame, guilt and anxiety swarmed like an unstable cyclone inside my body, fueled by a surge of adrenaline. My flight hormone had enhanced the potency of the mix and created a feeling within me I couldn’t recognize nor could I have described it with words. I felt light-headed from my rapid heart rate as I walked in a fog, my mind desperate for words of comfort that may have brought courage and a feeling of settled peace.
“All right, we’re here.” James’ words jolted me out of my muddled state but sounded distant in comparison to the blood rushing in my ears and the booming heartbeat that had taken residence there. Our eyes met and a frown immediately creased his brow. His breath hitched and he blew it out, and I knew from the concerned look in his eyes, he had figured the next thing he said to me mattered.
“Tricia, trust me, she’s your daughter and no matter what, the least that can happen when we walk back through this door is you’ll know what a beautiful woman she grew to be and how well she has done with her life. How can that be negative?”
The words he had chosen had been perfect. He hadn’t reassured me I’d feel as if the past thirty years of pain would dissolve in a heartbeat, or that she would fling her arms around me and all the hurt between us would instantly be washed away.
I liked he hadn’t made light of the hurdles that may always remain between Erin and me, but inferred after we met our lives would go on. The worst that could happen could still provide us with small significant pieces of a much larger jigsaw, at the very least.
James took my hand again, his warm palm sliding against mine as he pulled on the handle of the sports bar door and held it open for me to enter. For a few seconds, I stared at my feet until we came to a halt beside the wooden hospitality stand. Glancing up, I saw a dark-haired man about the same age as us. “James, great to see you. We need to catch up for a beer.”
“I know, I know … I’ve been busy.” He smirked, gazing toward me with a smile on his face.
“So I see.” The good-looking guy grinned knowingly.
“Tricia, I don’t know if you remember my good friend, Brian?” James asked.
Inside my heart flipped in somersaults as the two men spoke and I wanted to scream I couldn’t have given two fucks who he was. I shook my head no, even though he was vaguely familiar to look at. I lifted my gaze and glanced impatiently around the room. My heart stopped for a beat and a jolt of electricity threw it back in motion.
“Is Erin here?” I h
eard him ask, as my hand left his and my feet moved toward a younger version of me who moved toward me at the same stalking pace I took. Every step closer to her was accompanied by a rough swallow as I fought desperately to tamp emotional swells in my throat that had threatened to choke me.
Chapter Three
“Mom?” she asked, the word halting all movement in my legs, my body, my heart. I stood paralyzed by the sound of a voice not dissimilar to mine; calling me by a name I never thought would ever be directed toward me.
“Tricia?” I heard James question from behind, and realized I hadn’t responded. I couldn’t move, or even react, as my whole body stiffened in defense to the moment I’d secretly fantasized about for nearly two thirds of my lifetime.
Coming up behind me, James laid a gentle hand on the base of my spine and as soon as he came alongside me, he continued walking, urging me forward. The move was both welcomed and subtle, exactly what I’d needed to jolt my thoughts back to the present.
Next thing I knew, Erin’s arms had been wrapped around my neck while mine were clasped tightly around her back. We both sobbed quietly, and neither of us had exchanged another word. There wasn’t one to define a moment such as that.
I had no idea how long we stood there, but it was Erin who pulled out of our embrace first. The loss of her warmth surrounding me instilled a sense of panic within me. Immediately I knew, without doubt, I’d take whatever relationship she wanted from then on. I’d been the one who had let her go, therefore, I had decided before we went there, if Erin had wanted to come back, then the terms should be set by her.
“Shall we take a seat, ladies?” James interjected; sounding every part the assertive businessman I’d learned he was.
“Great idea, I don’t know about you, but my legs feel like Jell-O right now,” Erin replied, flashing a nervous smile toward James after directing her answer toward me.
James signaled us to a booth and both of us slid into the seats. James took one next to me.
“Erin, I need to be straight with you,” James said, rubbing his hands together, the only sign of nerves I’d seen from him during the whole situation. “When I came to meet with you, I already suspected Tricia was your mom. When I saw you, I was sure, even before the DNA test was done. Tricia and I are together, so I need to apologize for stringing you along.”
Erin frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“The circumstances around your adoption were so traumatic for Tricia, she had never spoken about it to anyone until she told me.” James stopped and looked toward me. “I hope you don’t mind me filling in the gaps a little, then I’ll make myself scarce and leave you two to talk.”
I nodded, thankful he was taking some of the strain from me and allowing me to gather my own thoughts for what I’d wanted to say next. In my head, in the days leading up to meeting my daughter, I’d thought of so many ways I had envisioned our initial conversations going, but when it had come down to it, I had been struggling for coherent thought when faced with the beautiful woman I’d given birth to.
“Tricia has been in therapy for the last year. The story surrounding your adoption is your birth mom’s to tell, but there are some aspects I’m sure you’ll both have questions about. When Marnie mentioned the connection between you and her from the DNA test, we were shocked because Marnie had no idea what had happened to Tricia. The moment she mentioned you, both of us suspected you could be Tricia’s daughter. Hence, my offer to help. It was delicate… still is, but I am here to support you in any way that I can.”
Erin glanced toward me, and her gorgeous hazel eyes ticked back and forth over my face, like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing, before she glanced back toward James with a worried look on her face.
Reaching out she placed her hand just short of mine on the table. “I didn’t contact anyone with the intention of making trouble for you, or to force you to be something you don’t want. All I want is the truth. Like you, I have so many questions and no one to ask, and to be frank, I really wanted some honest conversations. I grew up having no idea I was adopted. In fact, had my father not gone into kidney failure I may never have known.”
“I don’t understand,” I frowned. “How could you not know? Surely, you’d have seen your birth certificate. Wouldn’t my details have been there … doesn’t it mention you were adopted somewhere?”
When she scoffed and looked toward James, I wondered if she’d told him this part of the story already and he’d kept the details from me.
“My adoption was buried beneath secrets and lies. My parents were desperate to have a baby. They’d tried for six years before my mom got pregnant. Naturally, they were ecstatic when she finally conceived and at eight weeks along my mom’s pregnancy was progressing fine. She had seen an obstetrician and had some prenatal tests done. Unfortunately, at twelve weeks she lost the baby.”
“I don’t get it, what does this have to do with Tricia.”
“That’s just it. When she lost the baby, she didn’t seek medical attention in the US. They were heavily into the church and had gone abroad for a short spell of missionary work. My mom and a woman called Lydia from New York were great friends, having met on one of these missions. The woman was a lot older than my mom …”
“My aunt,” I informed her, numbly.
“Right,” Erin noted, and paused to absorb that information before she continued. “When Mom was abroad, they apparently wrote regularly. In one of her letters my mom told her she had lost her baby. Apparently, Lydia wrote back and told her she knew of a young pregnant teen who wanted a private adoption.” Erin shrugged helplessly. “My mom would have been due with her baby around the same time… I guess you can figure the rest.”
I gasped. “So the adoption had been planned way before my mom told me and the birth date brought forward to fit with when she had been due to give birth?”
My thought tumbled out of my mouth as I considered what Erin had said. I had been three months along before I’d confessed to being pregnant, but the way my mom had spun it was that these great people had come forward only a few short weeks before we had gone to New York.
“The details are murky at best, but my parents came home to the US a month or so before I was born, hung around in New York until they took charge of me, and headed straight to Baltimore. Apparently, they knew some health professional, and as she had documentation regarding her pregnancy, this person had helped them verify me as a home birth. Whether the health professional knew I was theirs or not isn’t clear, but with the necessary verification they were able to register me as theirs.”
“For years I tortured myself that you’d think I couldn’t care less about you… that I’d forgotten about you, but not a day has gone by when I haven’t regretted what happened.” Without thinking my hand covered hers and my heart clenched at our connection. Tears instantly rolled down my cheeks, quickly followed by some down hers, and I fought hard to swallow back the ball of emotion that prevented me from saying more.
“I believe you. You were only sixteen,” she replied, empathizing with my position back then. “You would have had no choice in what happened to me. I feel no malice toward you at all.”
James instantly rubbed my back; a gesture that showed me he knew her words would have gone straight to my heart.
“Thank you,” I choked out, staring in pure adoration for the conviction in her tone.
“I look at you and I see me. You have no idea how that feels in here,” she said, tapping her chest. “Both my parents had dark hair and dark eyes, almost black eyes. They explained that away as a recessive gene since my … dad’s mom had hazel eyes.” Erin shrugged. “But when I look at you there’s an instant familiarity I can’t explain.”
I nodded because I felt the same, yet I had so much to learn about her, but from the way she spoke I felt we had time … plenty of time, yet not enough. Nothing gave us back the years we’d already missed.
“This … is all new … but it’s not,” I started, unable t
o find the words I’d needed to tell her what meeting her meant to me. I shrugged, lost again and stared at her, taking on how alike we were. I sat trying to get my head around the image of that tiny baby I’d caught a glimpse of and tried to equate her to the beautiful, self-assured woman in front of me. My chest tightened again, and Erin took my hand in hers.
“I don’t know what to say … I mean I’ve had years to think about this, but … words are failing me right now.”
Erin nodded, her eyes misting with tears. “I can’t imagine how this feels for you, only how it feels for me. I want you to know you needn’t have worried about me. I had a great life with my parents. I grew up an only child, I wanted for nothing, and my adoptive parents loved me greatly. This may sound horrible to say, but ignorance was bliss. I had no idea you existed and grew up in an idyllic setting.”
I wasn’t sure what had felt worse. That Erin had done well without me, or that she grew up oblivious to the fact I’d existed.
“Can I ask about my birth father?”
“He was a little older than me. He was a nice boy, but it was a one-night stand … he died in a skiing accident, Erin,” I said, sparing her the details about Donnie and that night.
She took a moment to digest that and shook her head. “I only found out about you when my mom was dying,” she said flatly, changing the subject again. “I suppose you could call it her deathbed confession,” she added and snickered. “That came from a conversation we’d had a couple of years earlier when I had wanted to be a living donor for my father when his kidney was failing. When my parents objected, I had thought it was because they loved me too much. When I kept pressing the issue my mom told me in private, I couldn’t possibly be a match.”
“That must have been awful for you. And that’s how you found out?” I asked.
Erin shook her head. “When I challenged my mom on how she could know this, she told me I had been the result of an affair and I wasn’t my father’s daughter.”
Resist Me (Unchained Attraction Book 4) Page 2