by Nance Sparks
She led Riley to the next sculpture, an ice rose. It was stunning and glowed a deep fuchsia pink. Even the railing to keep people away from the artwork was carved from ice and reflected the changing lights brilliantly. They continued their way through the museum, enjoying the exhibits.
“Are you thirsty?” Riley asked as they walked away from an extremely detailed polar bear sculpture.
“What do you have in mind?” Andrea tucked her arm into Riley’s. She was starting to feel just a little bit better.
“They offer an appletini at the end of the tour, in a martini glass made completely out of ice. You know I need a picture of you sipping on one of those.” Riley smiled.
“I’m in, lead the way, sweetheart.” Andrea leaned into Riley’s body. She needed to be present and make the most of every precious minute they had left.
Soon, she stood at the ice bar next to Riley sipping on her frozen appletini.
Riley turned to face her on the ice stool. “So much going on behind your eyes tonight. A penny for your thoughts?”
Andrea’s chest tightened up. Riley had always known when something was going on inside, and apparently no amount of time could change that. She stared into her appletini wondering if she even fully understood what was swirling around in her mind.
“What’s next?” Andrea looked up. “Where do we go from here?”
“Back to the hotel—”
“That’s not what I mean. You and I, where do we go from here?” Andrea reached for Riley’s gloved hand. “Do we go back to being just friends? I know you said you don’t do relationships, but I want more than just a friendship with you, even though I know how hard it will be.”
“I’ve been thinking about that, and what we have doesn’t have to end with this trip. What if we keep things as they are, but let it extend beyond Alaska? Our friendship is the base with no labels, no rules, no hiding, just like you said. We could plan another get away like this. You pick a place, anywhere you’d like to go. I’ll block out a few days, maybe even a week once in a while. We can get away from it all and spend some more time together just like this.”
“And that’s enough for you? A weekend of sex and exploration a couple of times a year? Sounds to me like every day in the life of Riley.” Andrea squeezed her eyes shut and bit on her lower lip. “Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to lash out at you, but I can’t just take off like you do. This week was a once in fifteen years event. I have a job and two children to think about.” Andrea stared at her empty appletini ice vessel.
“I could come up and see you when I have lighter weeks. You got to spend some time in my world, let me into yours.”
“I’m afraid to let you spend any time in my world. I don’t know how I could ever compete with this,” Andrea whispered.
“Why would you need to compete with this? Enjoy it. Experience it. There’s no competition.” Riley squeezed Andrea’s hand.
“You don’t understand. Our lives are so different that they’re on the edge of incompatible and it scares me. You live this exciting life, full of adventure and travel. You have people who call you in the middle of the night to tell you about an amazing experience that’s waiting for you outside. Me, I wear Hello Kitty scrubs and dole out meds, take vitals, and get puked on. I speed-grocery shop while one or both of my kids are at any given sports practice so I can maybe get to see them at a game. I spend my evenings doing laundry and cooking and helping with homework until I collapse on the couch or in bed. How on earth can my boring existence compete with your adventurous life?” Andrea exhaled loudly and turned to look at Riley. “Don’t suppose I can have a second appletini thingy?”
Riley got the bartender’s attention and ordered a second drink for Andrea. Once the glass was filled, she took Andrea’s hands in hers. “So, let time with me be your escape, your place to unwind and relax. Seriously, your life sounds anything but boring, just a different kind of adventure. Andi, there’s no competition. Why can’t we just enjoy some time in both worlds? You asked what’s next and I’m offering ideas. What do you see when you think of what’s next?”
Could she admit it out loud? Admit that she was tired of being alone. Admit that she knew she wanted more, wanted a relationship. Wanted a chance at something Riley had made clear she wasn’t able to give.
“I don’t know. I worry that our time together was a mistake and we’re both just going to end up hurt all over again. It seems we want different things, and you have no idea how opposite our worlds are. Oh, and if that’s not enough, let’s not forget that you were never a big fan of children.” Andrea tipped up the appletini and drained the entire drink.
“Can I meet them?” Riley asked quietly.
“Who?” Andrea stared at her empty glass. Appletinis were tiny dumb drinks. What she wouldn’t give for a double of whiskey.
“Your girls. Can I meet them? I’ve never been a kid person, but maybe we’ll get along fine.”
“Maybe you won’t, and you’ll turn tail and run.” She wished she could break the ice martini glass.
“So, it’s better to hedge your bets and not let me into that part of your life at all?” Riley’s expression closed and she let go of Andrea’s hands.
“I’m sorry, Riley. None of this is coming out right, and all I want to do is curl up in your arms.” Andrea stood up. “Can we go back to the hotel? My flight leaves early and I need to pack.”
Andrea didn’t wait for Riley to answer. She turned and made her way through the ice museum toward the exit. That hadn’t gone at all like she’d hoped, and once again it was all her own doing. Why couldn’t she get out of her own way? She wanted more with Riley, more of this, and she felt so selfish for feeling that way. She loved her girls. She missed them tremendously, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that this could have been her life if she had just skipped that stupid party and not gotten pregnant. That thought alone created so much guilt it made her physically ill. She was standing at the passenger door when Riley came out carrying both cameras. She must have left hers on the ice bar. God, she was an emotional basket case. Once again, Riley had been nothing but kind and she was falling apart at the seams.
* * *
This felt a bit too much like déjà vu. Riley was in bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to settle the anxiety that welled up from within. Andrea stirred restlessly next to her, a cavernous void between them in the king-sized bed. It seemed that sleep would be elusive tonight, as her mind wouldn’t stop rehashing the events from earlier. The light fun that they had shared over the past few days had been replaced with tension and sadness. Questions were met with one-word answers. It wasn’t who they were with each other. The tiptoeing had returned with a vengeance. Riley couldn’t take the silence any longer.
“Are you still awake?” she whispered.
“Yeah,” Andrea said softly.
She was on her side, facing away. Riley rolled over on her side and stared at the dark, shadowy outline of Andrea’s head on the pillow. She reached up and touched her hair. The texture was like silk sliding through her fingers.
“Do you really feel like our time together these past few days was a mistake?” Riley’s heart ached and she had to know the answer.
“No, I know it wasn’t a mistake. Honestly, it’s been an experience I’ll treasure forever. No matter what the future holds, I got to share so many firsts with you.” Andrea rolled over to face her. She moved closer and held her arms out.
“They were firsts for me too. It felt so good to share them with you.” Riley scootched down in the bed and snuggled into Andrea’s arms. She wrapped her arm around Andrea’s waist and listened to the beat of her heart. It was soothing. “I don’t want to let you go. Can Alaska be our new secret spot? Our place to go when we just need some time alone with each other?”
“Alaska seems a bit out of the way. How about something closer, like Rockford? It’s exactly halfw
ay between our houses. I might have already mapped a route. Theoretically.”
“That would work if I was ever home.” Riley caressed the skin on Andrea’s stomach.
“Is there room for me in your world?” Emotion was heavy in Andrea’s voice.
Absolutely there was room for Andi in her world, but it was so much more than that. Riley wasn’t so sure there was room for her in Andi’s world, what with her career, the girls, the schedule for sports and activities. Riley’s travel schedule wasn’t the only obstacle that they faced. It just added a complexity that she didn’t have a solution for.
“We’ll figure something out. If these past few days have shown me anything, it’s that I still care deeply for you.” Riley squeezed her arm tighter around Andrea’s waist.
“Do you think you’d ever want something more than a few days away once in a while?” Andrea’s chest froze at the end of the question. Was she holding her breath?
“Sweet Andi, I don’t know how to answer that. I want to say yes. I want to tell you that I’m all in, but the truth is, we’re in uncharted territory and there’s still so much that we don’t know about each other as adults. I’ve never spent time around kids. I don’t know what your world is like, but I’d like the chance to find out. I’d like the chance to see where this could go, to see if we can find some kind of rhythm between our two worlds. Having you back has shown me how much I missed you.” Riley traced her finger along the edge of the sheet where it met the skin on Andrea’s stomach. She slowly let out the held breath and drew in another.
“At least it’s not definite no,” Andrea whispered.
“It’s definitely not a no.” Riley lifted her head and looked into Andrea’s eyes. There was just enough light to see her blink back the emotion.
“Promise me we’ll find time to see each other. Even if it’s some time here and there?”
“I promise that I’m just as eager as you to spend more time together.” Riley caressed her cheek with her thumb. “I’m going to miss having you with me every minute of the day. I want you to know that.”
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m going to miss you too. Will you call me?” Andrea was playing with the hair at the base of Riley’s skull, and it was like a relaxing sedative.
“Absolutely, probably more than you’d like. Will you call me? Can we keep an open mind and see what the future holds? Can I take you out on a real date? Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“I’d like that. It’ll give me something to look forward to.” Andrea sounded tired.
Riley’s eyes were heavy too and the alarm would sound in just a few short hours. The beat of Andrea’s heart was lulling her to sleep. It wasn’t over. It wasn’t good-bye. They were going to see each other again and that was good enough for now.
Chapter Twenty-three
Riley returned to the hotel after taking Andrea to the airport. It felt empty. The cozy, homey feeling that they had created over the past few days was lost when Andrea and her three suitcases disappeared. Their tiny oasis became a bleak and empty hotel room once again. Without Andi, this trip was no longer an adventure. Riley picked up her phone and canceled her flight for Sunday, rescheduling for a flight later that morning.
She worked on fine-tuning the photos from Sara and Kay’s wedding throughout the flight home. It felt good to get back into her routine for a moment. It kept her mind busy, even when candid shots of Andi popped up in every other image. This was still work and she could get lost in it. When the final shots were uploaded for Sara and Kay to review, she sent off a few emails, and checked the studio’s schedule among other tasks that had been neglected throughout the week.
“Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain speaking. I’d like to welcome you to Chicago O’Hare—”
Riley blocked out the rest, since she could recite the spiel in her sleep. She sat in her seat and waited for the plane to unload, uninterested in joining the line of people jostling to get off as quickly as possible. She looked at her watch and knew Andrea should be home by now. A quick touch of a button and the phone was off airplane mode.
Hope you had a safe flight. I miss you. Call when you can. She typed and tapped send.
She had no missed calls, no missed texts. Some exciting and glamorous life. She hadn’t missed the look of pity in Andrea’s eyes when she’d described the meals for one and her empty fridge. She’d had no problem with her bachelor existence, but going back to her place now made her feel hollow inside. She picked up the camera case and her briefcase and then joined the others in the tiny aisle down the center of the aircraft. Her phone chimed just as she stepped off the gangway and entered the airport terminal.
What adventure did you go on today after I left? Is it too late to come back? I miss you too. Andrea added a heart and a kiss emoji to the end of the text.
Riley’s heart flipped-flopped. Part of her had been terrified she’d never hear from Andi again, that she’d simply disappear like she had fifteen years ago. She stepped off to the side, out of the flow of travelers and sat on a bench. Today’s adventure was a flight back to Chicago. It wasn’t the same without you. I can be in Madison in about three hours. I’m not due back until Sunday. She held her breath, hoping her unsubtle hint for an invitation wouldn’t be ignored.
Dots flickered and then disappeared and then flickered again and then disappeared again. Finally, a response popped up on the screen. I wish. Not yet, okay? I have the girls.
The girls. She’d never spent much time around kids, let alone teenagers. Fourteen and twelve, so that meant at least six years before the girls wouldn’t dominate every moment of Andrea’s time. It took a special kind of person to have children and she knew herself well enough to know that she was not that person. Or, at least, she hadn’t been. But people changed, right? She sat there wondering where Andrea would like to escape to on their next jaunt of adult only time. The question would be a good excuse to hear her voice.
Can I call? Riley typed. Once again, the dots blinked in and out.
Not now, okay? The girls are catching me up on their week and I’m trying to get things ready for school and work tomorrow. They will be going to bed soon. I’ll call then.
Understood. I’m available this weekend if you would like some company. Doesn’t have to be overnight.
It seemed to take forever for any dots to appear this time. Riley watched the phone and waited for so long that she started to feel foolish for staring at the unchanging screen. She reread her text and realized she hadn’t asked a question. No question, no response required. She really needed to get a grip. Maybe she should have just stayed in Alaska. Kept to her life, her plans, to being alone. She lifted the phone to tuck it away and it began to ring. Andi’s name popped up on the screen.
“Hey, you,” Riley said.
“I’m hiding in the bathroom for two seconds of alone time. Does it make me a bad mom that I just want to go back to our little hideaway in Alaska and stay there forever?”
“I don’t think anything could make you a bad mom. It’s good to hear your voice. I miss you.” Riley leaned back into the seat, relief masking the confusion and warning voices in her head.
“I miss you too.” The line went quiet for a moment. “I want to see you, but I need to talk with the girls before you come up. I could come down and spend next weekend with you?”
“I think I’m in Connecticut next weekend. I fly back on Sunday night. Maybe I could get a flight out at midnight Saturday after the reception.”
“Could Jodie take the job?”
“No, she took on both schedules so I could be out through Sunday. Let’s see, today’s Thursday, right? She flies out tomorrow afternoon for a shoot in Maine and then she’ll be in California for a midweek wedding, and then she’s in Oregon next weekend.” Riley shook her head. Jodie had taken on a lot so she could have a week off in Alaska. They really needed another photographer. “I fly ou
t Tuesday for a shoot in upstate New York and then on to Connecticut on Thursday, and I’ll be home on Sunday.”
“So, this is what we have to look forward to? Schedules that don’t mesh at all. We come home and there’s no time for a chance at anything.” Andrea’s sigh seemed to echo over the distance between them.
Thoughts of arguments with Maria flashed in her mind. She’d said the same thing to Riley over and over again until she’d finally given up and walked away. It had always been the same complaint, there was never any time for them to be together. Riley closed her eyes and could see the set of keys sitting on top of the note on the table. She’d made no effort to change things back then, she’d just gone deeper into the needs of the studio. Maybe it was time for things to change.
“We haven’t even had a chance. Let me see what’s on the calendar. We’ll figure something out, Andi.” She squeezed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose.
Silence. She could hear Andrea breathing, so she knew the connection hadn’t been lost.
“You’re free through Sunday, eh? How do you feel about pizza and arcade games? You said you wanted to meet the girls, spend some time in my world. I’ll try to figure out how to approach the issue of us with them before we get there.”
Relief made her dizzy. “I could do pizza and arcade games. When?”
“Saturday? I’ll text you a time and address. It’s too soon for overnight, okay?”
“Day trip, no problem.” Riley sat there smiling.
“I should go. The girls were right in the middle of a story and I totally ditched them. I’ll call you later, okay? I miss you.”
“Saturday’s a date.”
“You can call it a date, but you still owe me a real date.”
“Deal, I’ll still owe you a real date. Call anytime. I miss you too.” Riley tucked her phone into her jacket pocket. In a day and a half, she’d get to see Andi again. Was she prolonging the inevitable? Would Andi grow weary of her schedule, too? Weary of a lack of commitment, the lack of a label. Maybe another photographer could free up some time, help lighten the load, but it wouldn’t give Andrea any reassurance. That was a problem for another day. Right now, she had to figure out how to free up some time in her schedule.