Rebecca sighed. “Jessica, not now!”
“Now is the perfect time. We both think she’s become as restless as Samuel. Always on the hunt for the next adventure, the next investment, that will make her richer but not happier.”
“That is enough, sister,” Rebecca warned, eyes flashing disapproval for Jessica’s rebuke, but she didn’t disagree. “Don’t pick a fight with her today.”
“If she’ll be here tomorrow, I’ll risk going home to my husband. No doubt he’s eager for my company.” Jessica handed the boy to Rebecca with a parting kiss. “Will you be here tomorrow when I come to call, Fanny?”
“I will be,” she promised, still astonished by Jessica’s outburst.
Jessica kissed Fanny’s cheek perfunctorily before flouncing out the door.
Fanny stared after her. “What has gotten into her?”
“Marriage,” Rebecca murmured. “She’s not our quiet little mouse anymore.”
“So I see.”
“Also, she misses you. She misses all of us when we’re away. Don’t you remember how strange it was to leave home and suddenly be separated from the familiar? I think it might be worse for her, since her new home is so close by. We call upon Father first and must make the effort to call on her second. Milo took three days to make the stroll over, and Samuel still hasn’t gone.”
Fanny sighed heavily. “Marriage always separates siblings, especially sisters. Surely she understands there’s been no intentional slight meant toward her.”
“She always had Father’s ear and knew everything before we did for many years. She’s lost that special place.”
Fanny brushed her fingertip over her lips, thinking of the past. “I recall I was terribly lonely when I married and moved away.”
“I was too,” Rebecca agreed. “I had to make new friends.”
Fanny moved to sit beside Rebecca. “Are you lonely again, now that you’ve married Rafferty?”
“No, I’m older, and Adam and I have many acquaintances in common. I have Ava to distract me, as well. Jessica will settle down when she has a child of her own to fuss over.”
“You’ll both have babes soon,” Fanny noted, feeling oddly left out. “At least the distance between you is not so great that she’ll have no one to turn to for advice when her time comes.”
“Perhaps it will be me turning to her for help. I’ve never been pregnant before.”
Fanny grinned. “You, taking advice?”
“On the subject of children, I always will.” Rebecca tickled the boy under the chin. “I’m nervous, you know.”
“About the child?”
“I worry that when I’m fat and cranky, the things Adam accepts about me will no longer appeal.”
“I told you he’s not the sort to abandon you.”
“No, but I never thought that of Warner either and look what he did.”
Fanny put her hand on Rebecca’s shoulder and squeezed. “You’ll make a wonderful mother, and already are the perfect wife.”
“So would you—if you wanted to be.”
Fanny signed. “That again?”
Rebecca settled the boy on her lap and the pair of them faced her as Rebecca spoke again. “I worry about you being alone. We all do.”
“I’m not alone. I have a busy life, friends and my interests.”
“Yes, you have been keeping very busy. But in a few years…?” Rebecca sighed. “Father will not live forever. Jessica and I might die in childbirth, or from ill health. Samuel could finally leave England as I’ve always suspected he would one day. And Milo, well, neither one of us has ever been close to him. Who will you have to comfort you in your old age? Who will you leave your wealth to?”
“To you, and Samuel and Jessica and Milo and—”
“I don’t want your money.” Rebecca’s stare was piercing. “I want you to be happy.”
“I promise you that I am. I’m doing exactly as I please and lack nothing,” Fanny insisted.
“No, you’re not truly happy. I think you were when Rivers was alive and never since.”
Fanny had been completely and utterly devoted to her late husband. She hadn’t cared about the number of years between their ages, as many other people had been. Rivers had been an exciting man, funny and wise. She’d had a complete life with him. He’d challenged her mind and her soul. “I miss him.”
“Rivers is gone and you’ve chosen to carry on alone. But you can’t live on remembered passions forever. Give love one more chance, I beg of you.”
“I never gave up.” Fanny smiled tightly. “But I think love gave up on me.”
“Nonsense,” Rebecca promised. “You will never find a man like Rivers again, so stop looking for him in the faces of those you meet.”
“I’m not.”
“Aren’t you?” Rebecca handed Fanny the baby decisively.
Liam was a good weight for a child of his age. Fanny actually knew a lot about the raising of children since, as the eldest, she’d had a lot to do with her younger siblings’ upbringing. She tucked Liam against her, assailed by the familiarity of the task…and a yearning she’d thought long buried.
“What is the first thing you consider when you make the acquaintance of a man?”
“Ah…” Fanny began, but Rebecca was on a roll and charged on.
“I’m sure you assess the quality of their clothes as a means to determine their wealth and status,” Rebecca said, ticking off each point on her fingers.
Fanny rocked Liam from side to side. “Is that not a perfect way to uncover a fortune hunter?”
“There are good men who lack funds. Scoundrels can fall in love, too.”
“Like Rafferty did with you,” Fanny teased.
“You know how I felt about him once.” Rebecca shrugged. “A more annoying man I have never met.”
“And yet you have bound your life to his,” Fanny noted. “You became his wife, never to be your own woman again.”
“Marriage changes us all. Even you altered in so many ways,” Rebecca noted.
“I did not.”
“Oh, your habit of bringing home strays waned for a little while, but the impulse resumed once you didn’t have Rivers to disapprove. During your marriage, you let longstanding friendships fall by the wayside. Was that a choice you made consciously, or did it just happen because his interests lied elsewhere.”
Fanny gaped. “Are you done criticizing me yet?”
“It is a criticism I have laid at my own door. I changed because of Warner. I became critical of everything and everyone because of how he treated me. His actions brought to light every insecurity I possessed. I’m surprised anyone could stand me.”
“You weren’t so bad.”
“I was a mean-spirited bitch,” Rebecca confessed.
Fanny opened her mouth in shock to hear her sister use that word. “Becca! Language.”
Rebecca giggled at Fanny’s shock. “You can blame my new husband for my use of that word. He’s made me an honest woman in every sense of the word. I highly recommend a second marriage to a scoundrel. They are very good for helping a lady loosen more than her corset.”
“If you say so,” Fanny replied, but she’d yet to meet a scoundrel she could like. The closest she’d come was an appreciation for an actor with a murky past and lock-picking skills.
“I do. Well, that is enough sisterly advice delivered for one day. I suppose I should return this young man to the nursery before the duchess scolds me for keeping him from his sleep. Unless you want to keep him.”
“No, it would be wise to return him before you incur the duchess’ wrath,” Fanny murmured, laughing because Gillian was a gentle soul.
“I’ll visit the duchess’ chamber after that and see if I’m needed,” Rebecca said. “Come find me before I go if you need to talk.”
“I will,” Fanny whispered as she caught sight of Jeremy Dawes striding past their door.
But that couldn’t be.
Jeremy had left the estate yesterda
y. His room was empty, his fine clothes gone, too.
Fanny handed Liam to Rebecca quickly, keen to confirm that she hadn’t just imagined seeing him.
Jeremy’s parting remarks played through her mind again, as they had for all of last night. He’d suggested she was spoiled, acting as if she was entitled to take whatever and whoever she wanted without any care for their opinion. And he’d been right to a degree. There were few things she’d ever really cared about since becoming a widow.
But she cared about Jeremy Dawes.
All morning she’d tried to convince herself that she was better off without him, with no real conviction.
She stood, followed Rebecca to the base of the stairs, hoping to see him again. But her stomach churned with uncertainty at the knowledge he might have stayed. But what was he doing if he wasn’t with her? And where had he spent last night?
She walked to the doorway of the library and looked around; but it was an empty room and there was no sign of him on any chair.
Disappointment crushed her.
But then Jeremy slid down a library ladder right next to the door she’d just walk through and she jumped ten feet in the air.
Despite the surprise, elation filled her. She had missed him. His easy company, his amusing banter. His presence in the room. His hands. She had worried that he’d traveled safely back to London on the stage. “Jeremy!”
“If you’re looking for the duke, he’ll be back in a moment.” His tone was polite, but then his gaze slipped away.
Why hadn’t Jeremy gone?
“That’s fine,” Fanny murmured, moving closer. “I was hoping we might talk.”
Jeremy did not look pleased as he folded his arms over his chest and glowered. “What about?”
“Ah, Fanny. Just the woman I was hoping to talk to,” Father said as he emerged from his study carrying a book. “Here, Dawes, this is what I was talking about earlier. Take a look through this and then go and show Samuel. He’ll explain everything.”
“Thank you,” Jeremy said and then nodded to Fanny. “If you will excuse me.”
And then he was gone.
Father strolled up to her side and put his arm about her shoulders. “I haven’t seen you all day. Where have you been hiding yourself?”
“I was with Rebecca and Jessica just now. Jessica has gone home and Rebecca went above to see Gillian.”
“Ah, I’m sorry to have missed them, but no matter.” Father drew her toward his study. He shut the door, which usually meant he wanted no one to hear them talking or interrupt. She looked over her shoulder.
“Was there something you needed, Fanny?”
“Um, Father, what was Mr. Dawes doing in your library?”
“A bit of work for me. Nothing that concerns you.” But everything Jeremy did concerned her. He was her friend not father’s employee.
She gulped. “Mr. Dawes gave me the impression that he’d taken his leave.”
“Is it so surprising that he hasn’t?”
She stiffened. “We had a difference of opinion.”
Father merely smiled. “That can happen.”
She narrowed her eyes. “In truth, I thought he’d left me. I mean, that he’d left the estate yesterday.”
“What? On foot?” As she nodded, Father started to smile. “He did leave…well, he tried to, but I encouraged him to stay a few weeks more.”
“Weeks? Why would you do that?”
Father sighed. “Because there is love between you.”
“What?!”
“Don’t act so surprised. I’ve told you girls for years that you’re all entirely loveable.”
Fanny sank into a chair. “It’s an absurd suggestion.”
“Is it really?”
Father caught her hand, but she pulled away. “We hardly know each other.”
“That never stopped you before.” Father sighed. “I didn’t realize you didn’t believe in love at first sight anymore.”
“It’s preposterous. And you…you disapproved of our arrangement.”
“I told you the truth. What you wanted to hear, only you didn’t really listen. You always knew you had to end the affair and you went and did just that.” Father sat down beside her. “It wasn’t what I intended that Dawes would try to leave immediately.”
She bristled at her father’s attempt at manipulation. “I must have a separation of my private and public life.”
“What makes you think there can be? Jeremy was never with you only because you had money, Fanny. You challenged him to want more for his life. He was happy with whatever crumbs you sent his way because he had a rare opportunity to experience another life for a while. And he thought he’d found a place supporting you. Becoming your friend. What else could he have done but leave when offered riches he’s no right to nor desire for?”
“He…”
“Listen, love doesn’t come along every day, my girl. That young man has more patience and practicality than anyone in society could ever have with you. You will always be rich, and you have become accustomed to getting your way. But not with him. No one can buy his loyalty or love.”
Fanny lowered her face, ashamed that Father knew she’d tried.
Father put his arm about her again. “Yes, Jeremy has a past that we may never talk about or know completely. But as I understand it, he had no choice. He stole out of necessity until he found a better way to live. He changed for you. Improved himself to be worthy of standing in the same room as you.”
Fanny gulped. “I don’t know…”
But the words got stuck in her throat, and she couldn’t finish. He had changed a lot. Agreed to everything she’d asked of him.
She had offered him money, compensation for sleeping with her, he’d said. It was a lot of money for someone like him to have turned down. Might he have made love to her without strings attached forever?
“There’s only one way to find out if you could have a good life together,” Father whispered.
“What do we even have in common?”
“A love of the theater. An appreciation of the outdoors. Vivid imaginations. Jeremy suggested a theater could be constructed in the woods for my next house party. I find I’m quite keen on the idea of putting on a play one year.”
Fanny hadn’t intended her arrangement with Jeremy to end badly, and it had gone in a direction she had feared. But it was over. Jeremy had said they were done in no uncertain terms, and she believed him. He had barely been able to look at her just now.
But as for the other of Father’s suggestions, Fanny had never been looking for someone to love. Not Jeremy. Not a second time. Not after the pain of losing Rivers long before she was ready to be alone.
Jeremy was a young man in his prime, with no future but the one she’d thrust him toward. He had come to her bed, a somewhat reluctant lover in the beginning. He had expected her to grow bored with their arrangement at any moment, he’d said.
Except, she hadn’t. And yet the moment their relationship had changed, and he’d interfered in her business dealings in fear for her safety around Wilks, she’d pushed Jeremy away.
But she shouldn’t have. He was more cautious than she was about a great many things. She also enjoyed hearing Jeremy’s views on the world, which were quite different from her experiences. His constant companionship made her feel content—safe—rather than smothered.
She wanted good things for him, and to be by his side to see his future unfold. Not separated by rules and society’s conventions that would have disapproved of the relationship they’d shared.
They could not go back to the way things had been before they’d made love.
But could they go forward…together, if he was willing to trust her again.
In any adventure or investment opportunity, there was no way to know for certain how things would turn out. She’d been living from moment to moment for years. Doing exactly as she pleased. But those moments with Jeremy were some of the best of her recent years. She wanted more with him.<
br />
Father nudged her. “Fanny?”
“Yes, Father.”
“He’s a good man. He won’t spend your fortune unwisely. I’d be surprised if he spent any, actually. And I’m prepared to sing his praises to society if need be, if he makes you happy,” Father whispered.
Fanny bit her lip, considering her father’s words. If Father was not difficult about Jeremy, her siblings might not be, either. Society would certainly talk for a good long while about such an unequal match. But then the novelty would wear off. No one would care in five or ten years what Jeremy’s life might have been before they met.
But Fanny now had the chore of figuring out the state of her heart. No matter what Father said in favor of any match, Fanny would not be rushed to the altar a second time, or into any courtship either.
And even before any future of that sort could happen, Jeremy would have to forgive her and she’d have to convince him somehow that money was not all that mattered to her. He needed to know that he mattered more.
Chapter 16
“Have you heard the news that Laughton repaired his fortunes on the ’change? He’ll probably have his pick of next year’s beauties on the marriage mart,” Samuel said, riding along beside Jeremy with a loose-limbed confidence Jeremy utterly lacked.
Jeremy had no time to question how anyone made money on the bloody ’change. He was too busy clinging to the horse rolling about alarmingly under him.
“I wish him good hunting,” Milo murmured sounding utterly bored of the topic already. Milo was on Jeremy’s other side, riding one-handed with apparent disinterest for his horse’s prancing antics or their destination.
Jeremy was utterly terrified and trying not to show his fear. Both men knew he’d no experience on a horse but had convinced him to come out with them anyway.
“Keep your heels down,” Milo reminded him.
“And don’t hold the reins so tightly,” Samuel added. “You’re on the estate’s oldest plodding horse, and she’ll go where we direct our horses and nowhere else.”
“You say that, but I saw her roll her eyes,” Jeremy warned. “That’s bad, isn’t it?”
Milo clapped Jeremy’s horse on the rump. To his relief, the old mare didn’t even flinch. “Molly is the perfect horse to learn upon. She’ll look after you.”
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