A warm palm flattened against his back. Ash flinched and tried to pull away, but the other hand slipped around his waist. Drew leaned against Ash’s back and held him close, his cheek pressed into the muscles of his shoulders.
“I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. I got so scared when I saw you holding the knife everything else flew out of my head.” Drew’s soft, warm lips kissed his neck. “Forgive me.”
Ash turned and faced Drew, his green eyes so open and honest Ash couldn’t help but pull him close. “No, I’m sorry I yelled at you. You had every right to think something might happen, especially now that you know.”
Drew stepped back but held on to his wrist, his fingertips trailing over the old scars. Though long healed, the nerve endings had never fully recovered and numbness remained at the surface. “Will you tell me what happened?” Drew’s voice struggled to remain neutral. “Only if you want to, of course.”
Thoughts scurried through Ash’s mind like mice. What to say, what to hide? Then he remembered last night, watching Drew’s open face under him as they made love. The trust he’d been given was a gift. He couldn’t lie to this man if his life depended on it.
“I made you coffee.” He handed Drew his cup. “Let’s go back to bed, and I’ll try to explain.” Glancing at the clock, he saw it was eight thirty. “We have time before we go to the hospital.”
Drew accepted his cup and they walked back to the bedroom. “Thank you.” A small smile curved his lips. “You’re coming with me?”
Ash got into bed. “Of course. If you want me to, that is.”
“Of course I want you with me.”
Warmth suffused him. No one had wanted or needed him since his foster care days.
After Drew set his cup down and joined him in the bed, Ash put his arms around him and gulped a deep breath. “It all started when I was fourteen. The first time Munson raped me. He tried to be nice at first, but when I wouldn’t give in to him, he beat me with the butt of his gun and cuffed me to the bed. He told me I was a bad boy because if I fought him, that meant he would go to Luke and do what I wouldn’t let him do to me. I had no choice but to give him what he wanted.”
Ash could see it all again, the images rising in his mind, imprinted in stark relief. Oddly it was things like the lumpy mattress cutting into his back that came to mind first, along with the scratchy, bright blue blanket that provided little warmth. Then the memories of the pain. The gun hitting him, the cuffs on his wrists, and the ropes on his ankles as he struggled, and ultimately, the hated touch of his foster father invading his body.
“Oh Ash.” Drew took his hand and he held on.
“I let him do whatever he wanted to me, as long as he left the other kids alone. But one night when it got too much, I took a knife here”—he pointed to the thickest scars on his wrists—“and here, and I tried to kill myself.”
There’d been so much blood and pain, but his foster mother found him and took him to a lady who lived two houses down from them. No questions asked. The neighbor, Mrs. Cartwright, simply stitched and bandaged him up and he went home.
Drew looked horrified. “No one reported it? My God, you could’ve died.”
Ash chuckled at his naïveté. “Baby, we lived in a small, one-road town. One way in and out. No one was gonna go against a cop, especially a mean son of a bitch like Munson. After that I got smart. I’d let him do what he wanted, but he hated when I marked myself.” It was worth every slap he got, whenever Munson saw a new knife cut on his arms. “It only made me want to do it more. To let him know he couldn’t tell me what to do with my body.”
He fell back on the pillows, taking Drew back with him to rest on his chest. Ash held Drew close, comforted by his nonjudgmental silence. “When I ran away, I cut myself again and wound up in the hospital, but by then I was eighteen, and they couldn’t send me back. I walked out of the hospital during the night and came up to New York, got a job in a fast-food place, and studied every night for my GED.”
Now that he’d started, the words rushed out from him, fierce and unstoppable. “I saved every penny, slept in shelters or wherever I could find a place. I never sold myself, though, ’cause I was too scared of gettin’ a disease. I went to a community college, then to a four-year one. That’s when I knew I wanted to be a lawyer to help kids like me.”
Still Drew said nothing, merely letting him talk out his pain.
“During college, my manager at the restaurant felt sorry for me, so he rented me a room in his house. I thought he’d want sex from me in exchange, but he was honest and only took some money from my paycheck. I got to study and graduated top of my class. That’s how I got the scholarship from Mr. Frank to go to law school.”
Drained, he closed his eyes but kept talking. “Everywhere I went, I looked for Luke and Brandon. I knew I’d failed them. And every time I thought about how much I’d let them down, I’d carve another little piece out of my arm to keep me focused on finding them.”
Drew kissed his cheek and placed his warm hand over Ash’s heart. “You’ll find them one day. I can help you if you want. I’ll help you through it all.”
Ash slid his palm over Drew’s hand to hold him tight. He couldn’t stop touching Drew, needing the connection, like a lifeline to his heart. “I found Luke. He’s away on an extended business trip, but he lives here, in the city.”
“That’s wonderful.” Drew sat up, and Ash sensed his nervousness. “I hate to stop you here, but I want to get to the hospital early to have a chance to speak to the doctors.”
“Of course. Let’s get dressed and go.” He jumped out of bed, no longer caring that his clothes were all wrinkled. Let people think what they would about him and Drew; it was nobody’s fucking business but their own. The weight he’d carried for years no longer suffocated him. He’d talked to Drew about some of what happened to him, and hadn’t been turned away. Maybe they could make this work.
He smiled as he buttoned his shirt and tucked it into his slacks, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. Drew came out of the bedroom looking good enough to eat in a pale green shirt, dark blue tie, and black pants. Ash couldn’t resist pulling Drew close to grab his ass with one hand. Now that he’d finally kissed Drew on the mouth, he craved more of him. He crushed his lips over Drew’s, loving the softness. Drew’s mouth opened, accepting the slide of his tongue inside.
Drew whimpered as their tongues tangled together. Showing restraint he didn’t know he possessed, Ash pulled away and huffed out a laugh. “If we don’t leave now, I’ll keep you in bed all day.”
Something dark flashed in Drew’s eyes; then he seemed to realize where they were headed. “Right, we’d better hurry.”
Ash nodded, grabbed the bagels from the counter, and followed Drew out of the apartment and down the stairs.
Quite a different scene greeted them this morning than when they’d left the night before, with the most important thing being Esther was awake and talking. A circle of doctors and nurses surrounded her. Drew, who’d put on a white doctor’s coat, looked incredibly hot and sexy, even when he told him to wait outside while he went into the ICU to consult with the cardiologist.
For a moment, Ash almost forgot himself and went to give him a kiss good-bye. And it seemed as though Drew was of a like mind as he too leaned in as if to accept it. Only the sound of Jordan, Rachel, and Mike’s voices stopped him short.
“Drew, how is she? Have you seen her yet?” Rachel came running up and grabbed Drew’s arm. Drew put his arm around her and walked her away to speak with her in private.
Ash turned to greet Mike. “Hey, how’s it going?” Mike gave him a fist bump, then continued on to join Rachel and Drew. Ash watched as Drew spoke with them for a few minutes more, then left to go inside his grandmother’s room. The white coat gave him an air of authority, and those tortoiseshell glasses turned Ash’s insides soft with desire. Let people think what they wanted. Ash couldn’t take his eyes off him. Who knew he’d go for that sexy, intellectual look? His lips c
urved in a smile as he watched Drew lean down to kiss Esther.
Someone poked him in the back. “What the fuck is going on?” Surprised, he turned around to find Jordan up in his face, icy blue eyes spitting fire. “You better have a goddamn good explanation, Davis.” Jordan poked him again, this time in the chest.
Ash leaned back against the wall, a lazy smile on his lips, but his voice clipped out cold and hard. “You fucking put your hands on me again, I’ll make you sorry. I don’t care that you’re Drew’s friend or that your boyfriend’s a cop. Got it?”
Jordan rocked on the balls of his feet, his arms crossed in front of his body. “Go to hell, Davis.”
“Been there, done that already.” Ash smirked, mimicking Jordan’s body language. He didn’t think they’d end up in a brawl inside the hospital, but he wasn’t about to get caught short. Not by Jordan. “What’s your problem?”
“What are you doing here? You’re not family or close with us. And why are you wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday?” Jordan’s disdainful gaze raked him up and down, but there was nothing sexual in his appraisal. If anything he looked angry and disgusted.
Since when did Jordan think he owed him any explanations? Ash raised a brow and smiled. “Fuck off. I don’t answer to you, and neither does Drew.” Then, knowing how it would infuriate Jordan, Ash turned his back on him and walked away, toward Mike and Rachel.
Ash didn’t count on Jordan’s tenacity, however. Before he reached the seating area, where Mike and Rachel waited for Drew to come back and tell them about Esther, Jordan grabbed his arm.
Ash stopped dead in his tracks. “If you want to have your hand remain intact to perform surgery, I suggest you get it off me. Now.” No one touched him unless he wanted them to. Years of getting tied down and brutalized would do that to a person. Jordan, however, didn’t know that and continued to hold on to him. Beads of perspiration popped out on his forehead and Ash shook from the combination of rage and fear spiraling though him. Spots whirled before his eyes, and his breath caught in his throat. If he didn’t get Jordan off him, he’d end up in the midst of a full-fledged panic attack in the middle of the hospital.
With one gigantic effort, Ash pulled away from Jordan’s grasp, though the nausea and dizziness remained. The coolness of the tile wall he braced himself against seeped through his sweat-soaked body. Jordan took a step closer, and Ash stiffened, then snarled at him. “Get off me. Leave me alone.”
Jordan got the message at last and allowed Mike to lead him away, though both men kept shooting confused looks over their shoulders as they found seats in the waiting area. Rachel came over to him and, speaking very gently, touched his hand. “Ash, are you all right? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
He gazed down at her concerned face. Unlike Jordan, Rachel radiated only warmth and compassion. He gave a weak smile. “Yes. Thanks. I, um, don’t like people grabbing me, that’s all.”
She shot him an unreadable look, but then Drew came out of his grandmother’s room, and she left his side to run to her brother.
“How is she, Drew? Is she going to be all right?” Rachel held his arm, and Drew hugged her to him. Ash remembered last night and the feel of Drew’s arms around him. Heat rose in his face.
Drew smiled at Rachel and at all of them as Mike and Jordan, who wisely skirted a wide berth around Ash, joined their small group. “Yes, she’s much better. Her heart remained stable all night, and she’s breathing on her own and is awake and demanding to go home.”
Recovered from his earlier anxiety, Ash chuckled, knowing that sounded exactly like Esther. Drew caught his eye and grinned, then took Rachel by the hand. “Come, Rach, we can see her together now. She says she remembers what happened.” He took a few steps, then stopped and turned around. “Jordan, could you call Keith? I’d like for him to hear what she has to say.”
Jordan nodded and immediately pulled out his cell phone to call his detective boyfriend. Begrudgingly Ash admitted Jordan was a good friend to Drew, no matter that he was an arrogant dick. Did it matter if he and Jordan got along? Not really. He knew the man would always be suspicious of him because of his past behavior. Watching Drew through the glass window of the ICU room interacting with his grandmother and sister, Ash wondered how long it would take before he’d screw up or hurt Drew. He didn’t know what it was to care about someone. He’d spent his whole life with a barrier around him—don’t touch, keep away. The only one who’d ever penetrated it was Jacob Frank. Except for last night. Being with Drew had cracked open his shell, and he didn’t like it. The feelings of helplessness and pain rushed in like floodwaters after a rainstorm. He’d spent years making sure he’d locked himself up tight, only to have it all come crashing down with the press of Drew’s mouth on his and the feel of his body underneath him.
It wasn’t part of the plan.
Maybe Jordan was right and it would be better if he disappeared like they all probably wanted, and let the people closest to Drew help him. After all, he was a stranger, like Jordan said, not part of their family. They didn’t need him. With one final look through the glass, he hastened to the elevator, managing to make it inside before the doors slid closed.
As the elevator whooshed downward, he wondered at the emptiness inside him now that he’d left Drew, and the yawning sense of loss, like he’d left something behind he might never be able to find again.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Nana, you have to lay back and relax. It won’t do you any good to fight us.” Drew gazed down at his grandmother with affectionate exasperation. Now that she was no longer in any danger, he had no problem exerting his authority as a doctor rather than a worried grandson. “You aren’t going to leave here a moment before Dr. Porter says so.” He allowed himself a brief glance out of the window to catch a glimpse of Ash but didn’t see him. Dr. Porter came in with a bevy of young interns and residents following him.
“Well, Mrs. Klein, you gave your family quite a scare.” He flashed a broad smile at her.
One thing his grandmother loved was a nice-looking man, no matter the age. Tall, with dark hair and piercing light-blue eyes, Rob Porter was one of the hospital heartthrobs, and Drew noticed with amusement how she turned her charm on the doctor. Esther might be close to ninety, but she was still a flirt.
“Why, I didn’t mean to, of course.” Her brow furrowed as the smile dimmed from her face. “These two young men came to my door and said such awful things.” The pink color drained from her face, leaving her pale. Alarmed, Drew grabbed her hand while Rachel brushed back the hair from her face.
“Mrs. Klein, try not to get upset. I’m sure your family will see to it that you are given the best of care and that something like this never happens again.” Rob beckoned Drew over to the door.
Anxious to hear what Rob had to say, Drew jumped up from the chair, first stopping by his grandmother’s bed to give her a kiss. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” When he joined Rob, the doctor was frowning.
“Drew, she’s fine. I’m going to keep her here one more day for observation but I recommend you have someone stay with her once she returns home. She shouldn’t live on her own.”
That’s what Drew was afraid of. His grandmother never wanted to be one of those people who had to rely on external help. He and Rachel would have to tread carefully to preserve her independence. “Don’t you worry, Rob. She’s going to have to listen to us now.”
“Good.”
After making some notations on the chart, Rob said good-bye and left, the group of doctors trailing in his wake. Drew returned to Rachel and his grandmother. “Nana. You’re going to have to have someone with you from now on. No argument.”
Rachel got up from the bedside. “I spoke with Mrs. Delaney. Now that her husband is gone, she told me she was thinking of selling the house, since she can’t afford the taxes and the upkeep. She’d love to move into your spare bedroom, Nana. It would be the perfect solution. You like and trust her, and she could keep you co
mpany, as well as help out.”
“That’s a wonderful idea, Rach. A win-win in my book, right, Nana?” Drew said.
He had to give her credit. She didn’t fight back, merely glared at them and said nothing. Knowing her, she was coming up with some convoluted plan in her mind to counteract their plans.
Before he could say anything else, someone knocked on the door. Spotting Keith’s blond head in the window, Drew motioned for his friend to come inside. Keith was in his official capacity as an NYPD detective, as he wore a shirt and tie and Drew spotted his detective’s shield clipped to his belt.
“Hey, thanks for coming so fast.” They hugged briefly before Keith went over to his grandmother.
“Well, Esther, what do you have to say for yourself?” Keith’s bright blue eyes twinkled.
“My, you boys all look so handsome in your suits and ties. It was almost worth getting sick to get to be surrounded by you all.” She laughed.
“Nana, really.” Rachel’s exasperated groan sent him and Keith laughing and shaking their heads.
“Okay, Esther. Drew said you had some visitors. Can you remember and tell me what happened?” Keith pulled out a little notebook and pen, then sat in a chair next to her bed.
Drew glanced at the heart monitor attached to his grandmother and setting off steady beeps. At the first sign of any change, he’d make sure to cut off the questions. Rachel stood by her bedside, like a protective sentry, holding her hand.
“Well, it was funny. Remember I said two young men had come by and cut my grass and trimmed the bushes for me the other day?” They all nodded, and she continued. “They came back, which I thought was strange, since I obviously didn’t have any work left for them to do.”
“Did you tell them that, Esther?” Keith had stopped writing in his notebook.
She nodded. “I did, and they laughed at me and said some strange things.”
“Like what, Nana?” Rachel dropped her hand and sat on the edge of the bed.
A Walk Through Fire Page 20