by Laura Acton
“I’m listening if you want to talk.” Yvonne learned to sit quietly until Danny talked. She never knew what would come out. Sometimes—often—it was a deep abiding pain. Other times a happy memory or confusion over what actually occurred. They had so many years of misconceptions to put right.
Would this time be a memory of their last birthday? Sara worked so hard making the golden circle for Danny. Sara crumpled up over a dozen attempts when they didn’t meet her high expectations. Sara took hours to get it right and used the circle as the label on his birthday gift from her and Becca.
Both Sara and Danny had beamed when he read what was on the golden circle when he opened her gift. It wasn’t until William found it in the trash after Sara died they had known Danny kept it and that the circle was important to him—just like Hobbes and the other things he tossed out.
Dan held Hobbes tightly and struggled to control his tears. He hadn’t cried so damned much ever. Putting his childhood back together hurt because he recognized all the suffering he unintentionally inflicted on his family.
“Thanks for saving Hobbes,” Dan murmured.
So it wasn’t the golden circle he wanted to talk about. Yvonne noted how firmly Dan held the love-worn stuffed tiger. “Hobbes was worth saving. He was important to you. Have I ever told you about how you got Hobbes?”
Dan peered up at his mom and faintly shook his head.
“Hobbes arrived in the mail on the same day I got word your dad was severely injured in France. It came right before your dad’s second in command Lieutenant Cardillo called me. Hobbes was a present for you from your dad. When he was in Paris, he bought the tiger and express mailed it to you.
“When they thought your father was going to die, and I traveled to France, Ann said you clung to Hobbes the entire time I was gone. Later, when William finally awoke from his coma, you were lying on his bed next to him sound asleep and holding Hobbes.
“During his recovery, your dad would hold you in his lap, and you clutched Hobbes as your father read the cartoons to you every day. You had no clue what the comics said or that they were funny, but when your dad laughed it made you laugh. The sounds of both your laughter filled this house every day William was home and recuperating. A joyful time for all of us.
“Hobbes became your constant companion. When William returned to duty and was away, I often found you sitting in his chair in the kitchen holding Hobbes and looking forlorn. You missed your father terribly and didn’t understand why he wasn’t there. Every time he came home you would race to him. William would scoop you and Hobbes up, and you would laugh.
“When you got older, Hobbes spent more time in your room, but you and your dad would still sit together in the mornings and either you, or he would read the comics. Our home was filled with laughter. Calvin and Hobbes was your favorite comic.”
Her eyes glistened with unshed tears at both happy and sad memories. “When I found Hobbes in the trash, I knew I had to save him. I only wish it had been as easy to rescue you from the pain you felt after Sara died.”
Wiping his tears on Hobbes, Dan said, “I remember having coffee with him on Sundays.”
“Ah, yes, coffee. I’m afraid your addiction to coffee started very young.”
Dan confessed, “I know why I threw Hobbes away.”
Bracing herself, Yvonne waited to see if he would share. Part of her didn’t want to know … but part of her did, and part of her already knew.
Closing his eyes, Dan revealed his deep hurt to his mother. “I didn’t think I was worthy of his love anymore.”
“Hobbes?” Yvonne asked softly deliberately being obtuse. Danny needed to say the words to release his pain.
“Dad’s,” Dan clarified.
Tears slipped down Yvonne’s face. “What do you think now?”
Dan clutched Hobbes closer. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m confused. I know he didn’t say those things to me. And he did, you did, love me. It’s not that … it’s … it’s …” Dan trailed off as he opened his eyes and saw his mother’s tears. “I hurt everyone so much.”
Yvonne gazed into the liquid pools of her son’s sapphire blue eyes. “Oh sweetheart, you were the one who was hurt the most. You are worthy—so very worthy. Nothing will ever change that my son. Stand tall on the mountain you climbed, look out over your dark and painful path, and then gaze up at the sky to see the beauty of life. It’s painted in each sunrise.”
She recalled a quote which might help him. “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
“I’ve heard that before. Brody said something like that to me after I saw all the scars on my back and freaked out. Not those exact words, but something like that,” Dan murmured as he blinked away the tears which welled up.
Yvonne’s heart tugged hearing that, but she was glad Danny had all his unit brothers to help him through some of the darkest days of his life. They were truly brothers whose bonds were forged in hellfire. “Brody may have read it. It’s a quote from Kahlil Gibran, a celebrated 1920s poet.” She wiped her eyes and resumed her gentle massage of her son knowing he needed her at this moment.
“Brody had an eclectic taste in music, and he liked to read poetry. So maybe he did.” Dan thought about all his scars—the visible and invisible ones. He was certainly seared with them. Perhaps all he been through made him stronger … but right now all he wanted to do was be a little boy, hold his tiger, and feel his mother’s unconditional love and comfort. As he lay with his head in her lap, contemplating his mother’s words, Dan drifted to sleep.
An hour later, William poked his head into Danny’s old bedroom and found Yvonne and Daniel asleep on the bed with Daniel clutching Hobbes. A sad smile crossed his face for all the years lost. He switched off the light, closed the door, and left Daniel sleeping in his mother’s arms. Yvonne would help them all heal.
I Kept My Promise, Brody
66
November 16
Bike Ride to TRF HQ – 4:00 a.m.
Dan bounded down the stairs and out the door of his apartment building. He put on his bicycle helmet, slung his gym bag over his shoulder, and unlocked his bike. Not a soul was around at four in the morning. He hopped on his mountain bike and started down the street. His bike was his new favorite mode of transportation—a way to slow things down in his hectic world.
He loved the solitude and gentle promise this time of day held. He eagerly awaited this day—it was a long time coming. As he slowly rode, Dan reflected on his path back. The journey had been hard, and a few times he didn’t think he would succeed. But his family, all of them—natural, unit, and team—never gave up on him. Their actions and words showed him he was cared for, accepted, valued, strong, and worthy. Many wounds in his heart and soul had healed as his lungs recovered.
He thought back to the day he left the hospital. The day his dad and his cousins arrived at the hospital en masse to take him home to Ottawa was the start of ‘JSTF Recovery.’ He and Alpha Team were awestruck when they found out Lily contacted her father and arranged for all his cousins to be there for the duration of his recovery and made it their mission to ensure they did everything necessary to assist him in attaining a full recovery. He thought sometimes it was nice to be related to high-ranking officers—and you couldn’t get any higher than Chief of Defence Staff.
When CDS McFergus visited him, Dan had been embarrassed and upset he could not stand and give the man the respect his position deserved. They had a few conversations while he recovered. It surprised him that the CDS kept him in the loop on the investigation and didn’t push him to do his interview until he felt ready.
Dan sighed, his interview was only three days away. Part of him wanted it done before he returned to TRF, but the lead investigator deserved a honeymoon. A larger part of him didn’t want to do it at all. He didn’t want to rehash his entire time with Special Forces though he would be being doing exactly that. Lieutenant Colonel Bonomi and Major Kenric woul
d be interviewing him beginning on the nineteenth, and he had no idea how many days he would be at it.
Blaze, Winds, Mason, and Jim all spent between three and six days being interviewed. Blaze was grilled the longest since he was his CO. Dan knew even his father and Colonel Sutton had been raked over the coals for several days. The interview was not expected to be pleasant, but at least he would have three days working at TRF before he needed to face it.
Dr. Tansy helped him prepare for it. He told her in one session what he would be facing and that he feared coming unglued if he was required to talk about certain aspects of his time in the unit. She informed him she took patient privacy seriously. Anything he said to her she wouldn’t divulge to anyone unless he were an imminent danger to himself or another person.
At first, he resisted to opening up about how the missions impacted him. Slowly he began to talk about his feelings and things which happened—keeping classified information out of it. He explained how Brody helped him through a lot of crap.
From what he shared about Brody and how he coped, Dawn suggested he and Brody had adopted an existentialist philosophy. She explained Brody’s words showed he believed humans had freedom and choice and defined their own meaning in life—and through that Brody found his own beauty of life. That made Dan smile.
Dr. Tansy listened to everything he shared and never judged him or directed their conversations. She let him lead the way to his solutions. She helped him understand how his child’s mind could mix things up after such a trauma and helped him come to terms with all the lost years. He realized Dawn used a reflection technique which helped him refine his existing strategies for dealing with all his issues.
She even listened as he described some of the torture he’d been through. He needed to talk about that in a safe place before he relived it all again during the interview. Parts of his torture he kept solely to himself and left them out of his report completely. The only person who knew was Blaze, though he never actually came out and said the words to him. Blaze had guessed when they sat together on the rooftop of the hotel in Makhachkala.
He finally said the words to Dawn—ones he couldn’t even tell Brody. She simply held his hand and helped him come to terms with his feelings. After telling her, the memory of what happened to him held less power over him.
Dawn said he had done an exceptional job of coping with all he’d been through. She helped him define a plan for how to handle the interview and an action plan should his memories cause him problems in the future.
After the third session with Dr. Tansy, he asked to see her two times a week. Near the end of the seventh week, his nightmares stopped almost entirely—to the delight of everyone in the house—but mostly to him. He reverted to weekly sessions after that and stopped seeing her last week. He had a good handle on things now, but he kept her name in his contacts just in case.
Though not required, he asked, Dr. Tansy to give Boss a general reassurance that he was stable, had appropriate coping skills, and he didn’t suffer from PTSD. He wanted to put Boss’ mind at ease so he wouldn’t think he would be a risk to the team. In his last conversation with Boss a week ago, Boss told him he was very proud of him for seeking therapy. The Boss also was looking forward to when he returned to the team. The Boss’ vote of confidence made Dan smile.
Coasting, Dan sat up and looked around. He noticed he was at the point to choose the fast path via the streets or the long path via the park. He checked his wristwatch. So eager for this day, he’d left when he finished his cup of coffee. With tons of time to spare, he decided to take the longer path through the park, so veered to the right.
Dan enjoyed the brisk breeze on his face as he rode through the park. With the help of Dawn, his mental rehab seemed easier than his physical rehab—but in fact, both were grueling. The physical rehab is where his cousins focused. Throughout the arduous process, they made him sweat, groan, cuss a blue streak, cry, and … most importantly laugh.
His cousins pushed him right up to his limits and demanded more of him than he thought he could give. When he went beyond his threshold of endurance and crashed into the proverbial wall head-on, his cousins took care of him. Every time he faltered and fell apart emotionally, they encouraged him to keep going with their unwavering belief he would succeed.
As he pedaled smoothly through the tree lined path, Dan inhaled deeply and slowly released the breath marveling at the ease with which his breath now came. He reached for his water bottle and took a long drink then replaced it. He adjusted his gears as he came to the moderate hill in the park. Not even close to the steepness of the red trail. This was such an ant hill in comparison—no challenge at all.
On his next day off he decided to check out the mountain bike trails here in Toronto and find something challenging. He wondered if anyone on the team would be interested in mountain biking. Perhaps he could talk Lexa into coming with him. She liked a lot of outdoor activities. This might be something they could do together.
If so, it would give them an excuse to spend off-duty time together. No one on the team would question it if he and Lexa shared a common hobby. Effortlessly gliding up the hill, Dan considered how much things had changed in the past months.
After cresting the top of the park hill, Dan and stopped the bike for a moment. He closed his eyes and imagined the view in the daylight. It was beautiful from this point. He ran in this park often before his injuries. He took a quick drink and checked his watch again—still lots of time to get there.
He breathed in deep through his nose, enjoying the woodsy scent. The smell made him recall his last phone conversation with Jon. They talked a lot about hunting and fishing. Something they both enjoyed. He shared with Jon that he hadn’t done either since before he joined Special Forces. That’s when Jon invited him to join him and Bram on their annual camping trip next summer.
Jon joked that Bram needed at least one weekend per year doing only manly things. No teacups or tiaras allowed. They roughed it, eating only what they caught or shot. Jon and Bram hiked deep into the woods and did rock climbing also. It sounded like fun, and he looked forward to going with them.
Dan hopped on his bike again and coasted down the other side of the hill. Thoughts of rock climbing brought back the memories of the obstacle courses Jeff put him through and working with the recruits.
Initially, he felt so out of place and incapable, but Jeff and the recruits encouraged him. They all cheered mid-way through the third week when he finally made it to the top of the rope. It still irked him he hadn’t attained his same speed at ascending the rope. Something he planned to keep working on.
Dan’s phone vibrated. Slowing, he pulled it from his pocket and answered without looking who it was. “Broderick.”
“Morning, Doppelganger thought I’d call and wish you good luck today.”
“Good luck for what?”
“Don’t you do your requals today?”
“Nah, that was yesterday.”
“Wow thought it was today. So, how’d you do?” Scott asked with a voice that said he already knew.
“Passed everything.”
“Why didn’t you call last night and tell me?” Scott said with annoyance.
“Cause I didn’t want to interrupt you and Lily. So, anything you want to tell me?” Dan asked knowingly and suppressed a laugh.
“Don’t tell me you knew? You did, didn’t you? Dammit, how the hell do you always do that?”
Dan chuckled. “Ain’t gonna tell you all my secrets. So, did Lily tell you?”
Scott leaned back on the pillows as he watched Lily sleep. He reached out and gently laid his hand on her flat stomach. “Yeah, she did. I’m excited and scared. Not sure if I’m ready to be a dad.”
“You’ll be great. Lily will be a great mom, too. I’m happy for the both of you. Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”
“Both, she’s having twins!” Scott said as Lily sat up and raced into their bathroom.
Dan’s foot slippe
d off the pedal, and he put the brakes on to stop. “Wow! That, I didn’t know. Awesome!”
“Aw crap. Gotta go—morning sickness, she’s throwing up. Talk to you later.” Scott immediately hung up the call, tossed the phone on the bed, and rushed into the bathroom after Lily.
As Dan slipped the phone back into his pocket, he thought back to all the things Scott did for him over the past months. The bond between them became stronger. Kinda scary how they could almost read each other’s minds. He had a whimsical thought, perhaps he and Scott were meant to be twins, but something got screwed up, and they were separated before birth and fate found a way for them to be close anyway.
Scott recognized things Dan needed before he even knew he needed them. Dan laughed as he recalled that playing paintball sure pulled him out of the blues. Scott hatched the plans to get him away from the house for several hours two or three times a week. Scott saw he was going stir crazy and in the doldrums. And Scott realized he needed to have fun away from all the grueling physical workouts.
Scott arranged for the cousins to travel to a great paintball course and shooting range near Petawawa because Scott knew Dan needed to keep his shooting and tactical skills sharp to return to the team. Scott talked to Bella and arranged to use her private jet to ferry them to back and forth, so they didn’t spend four hours driving there and back each time. It was the same plane which his father used to take him back and forth to Toronto to do the nerve blocks.
Luckily Zach was qualified to pilot Bella’s private jet. As an added bonus Adam got enough flight time on it to obtain his certification too. Zach still teased Adam he was certified on more planes than him. They all had a great time on the flights to and from Petawawa. They were usually filled with riotous laughter as they joked around or relived the antics of the paintball games.
After spending an hour or so at the gun range brushing up on his skills, they would grab lunch. Then head over to the paintball course for several games. Often, they played in teams of twos or threes and other times individually.