“How do you think that went?” she asks me.
“I think it went great. I feel about a thousand pounds lighter than I did before.”
“Good.”
I stand up and walk over to her chair, sitting on the coffee table in front of her and taking her hand in mine. Her eyes widen, but she doesn’t stop me.
“Thank you for that,” I say, looking into her eyes.
“I didn’t do much.”
I gently squeeze her hand. “You sat beside me. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me.”
She smiles, her expression warm. “Of course I sat beside you.”
“Don’t tell me that’s what you do with all your patients when they have family visits,” I say, winking. “Let me think it was just for me.”
Laughing lightly, she says, “I do always sit with my patient on the couch, but I never sit that close. There’s supposed to be a whole cushion of space between us.”
“A cushion?” I stroke my thumb over her soft skin. “Is that an official Beckett rule?”
“Believe it or not, it is. And I’ve never broken a single rule here…until you.”
I hold her gaze, wanting to break some more rules with her. But that’s not who she is. Graysen isn’t a woman I want to sneak around with. I want to date her properly, for the whole world to see.
I can’t do that for at least another thirteen days.
Learning not to just do what feels good, damn the consequences, is hard. But she’s worth it. So I squeeze her hand one more time and get up from my seat.
“I’ll see you in group this afternoon,” I say.
“Okay.”
I leave her office then, hoping there will come a day when I don’t have to walk away.
17
Graysen
It’s been a week since Alexei’s session with his brother, and there’s been something new on his face since that day—peace.
He’s happier and more confident since clearing the air with Anton. With only a week left in Beckett’s program, we’ve started talking about transitioning back into life after rehab during our group sessions.
Our group has been happier since Gia checked herself out of Beckett in the middle of the night a few days ago. Part of me was sad to see her go; part of me knew it needed to happen. I’d leveled with her that day in our one-on-one session and told her she wouldn’t be graduating, but that she’d be allowed to repeat the program if she wanted to. She left that night.
“You know how I’ve been having those dreams about a heckler in the crowd at a game?” Alexei asks me during our one-on-one session.
“Yes, did you have another dream last night?”
He hesitates. “I had a dream, but it was different.”
My heart takes flight. Alexei’s “heckler” was just his inner voice telling him he’s not good enough and he shouldn’t even bother trying to be. I’m thrilled his subconscious knows better now.
“Tell me about it,” I say eagerly.
“I don’t know…are you sure you want to hear about it?” He looks away.
“Of course I do.” I scoot to the edge of my chair.
“Okay.” He takes a slow breath in and out. “Last night’s dream wasn’t about the heckler. It wasn’t at an ice rink.”
“Where was it?”
“I’m pretty sure it was an office.” He rubs his palms on his thighs and glances around my office. “It was kinda like this.”
“Okay, and who was there?”
“I was there, and there was a doctor there, too.”
I cross my legs and clutch the sides of my notebook, wanting to hear the rest of this and not wanting to hear it in equal measure.
“She was beautiful,” he continues. “With these long dark blond curls and a hot, curvy body.”
I lick my lips, knowing I should stop him. I don’t though, and he continues.
“Neither one of us said anything. I came into the office and closed the door and we stood there looking at each other. I walked over to her slowly and she gave this breathy little sigh, like she knew I was about to kiss her and she wanted it. I leaned in close—so close I could feel her hot breath on my lips. She closed her eyes, just waiting for that kiss, but instead, I cupped her gorgeous, round ass in my palms and pulled her up against me. When she felt how hard I was, she gasped into my mouth. It was so fucking hot.”
Alexei leans back against the couch, spreading his legs apart a couple feet. I’m breathing harder than usual but trying not to let it show.
“Then…” He pauses for effect and I bite my lower lip. “I slid my hands down and pulled her skirt up around her hips. And—you won’t believe this, but my prim, proper doctor wasn’t wearing any panties. She had on those stockings that come up to the upper thigh, and they were black and lacy. Her hair was trimmed neatly and I could see she was already getting wet. So guess what I did then?”
“I…I don’t…” I clear my throat and reach for my water bottle, chugging a long drink from it and trying to compose myself.
“I lifted her up onto her desk and opened her legs. I’ve never seen anything sexier. She leaned back on her hands and put her feet on my shoulders. And, Dr. Wells…” He leans forward, giving me a serious look, “I didn’t just lick her pussy—I worshipped every inch of it. I sucked on her clit until she was moaning my name. Then I slid my fingers inside her and she rode my fingers so hard. She soaked my face and my fingers when she came, and it was so hot I almost came, too. It was all I could do to get my pants undone and get inside her. I’ve never felt anything like it. Just a few hard thrusts and I came hard.”
My lips are parted in…shock? I’m not sure. All I know is I’ve never been more turned on, and Alexei’s a good eight feet away from me. I swallow hard as we hold each other’s gazes, the air charged with sexual energy.
“She slid off the desk, pulled her skirt down, gave me a kiss and sent me on my way,” he says. “What do you make of that dream, Dr. Wells?”
“I think…your body is responding to not having as much sex as you’re used to,” I manage.
He smiles. “Yeah? I still have a working hand, so I don’t think that’s it.”
My face warms and his grin widens.
“It’s not just sex I want,” he says, “it’s her. I’d rather wait for her than have anyone else.”
“You say that now, but when you’re back out there—”
“You’ve told me so many times that I get to decide what I want for myself. That life gives us a thousand small choices every day, and I’m in control of every one of them.”
I nod. “That’s true.”
“I want you in my life, Graysen.”
Shaking my head, I say, “You don’t even know me.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“You don’t know me outside of Beckett. I’m not like the women you usually date.”
“Which makes you perfect for me. I’m done with all that shit.”
I sigh softly. “Alexei…”
“You’re not dating anyone from that app, are you?” He asks it with certainty. “I know you’re not. You have feelings for me, too.”
“Do I wish things could be different for us? Yes, I do. I like you a lot, I don’t deny it. But you and I are very different. You know me in some ways, but not in others.”
He hikes up his brows. “Why are you being so cryptic? If there’s something I need to know about you, just tell me.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah, it is. What is it, Graysen? Are you relocating for a new job? Have an estranged husband?”
I wrinkle my face with dismay. “No, nothing like that.”
“Let me remind you again that I’ve been spilling my guts to you daily for a while now. If I need to know something about you, have the decency to tell me.”
My throat tightens with emotion. God, this is hard.
“I’m careful with my heart,” I say softly. “Overly careful, really. I’ve been hurt, and it takes a lot for me to even…give anyone a
chance.”
“Hurt in past relationships?”
I shrug. “Yes, but I haven’t had many relationships. The hurt started with my parents.”
“I’m sorry, Graysen.”
“Don’t be, it made me into who I am today. I have deep empathy for the damage addicts can do.”
“Because of your father?”
I nod.
Alexei is quiet for a few seconds before saying, “It’s because I’m an alcoholic, isn’t it?”
I hang my head. “Mostly, yes.”
“So all this time you’ve been telling me I’m worth it and I can do this, but the truth is, you don’t think I’m gonna make it, do you? You think I’ll go back to drinking.”
“No,” I say, louder than I meant to. “I don’t think that. But the guidelines we recommend here, they’re not just random ideas, Alexei. As your therapist, I truly believe, with all my heart, that you need to focus on your sobriety and physical therapy when you leave here. I’ve seen lots of people succeed when they leave here, and I’ve seen many fail, too.”
“You don’t think I can handle staying sober and being with you? There’s nothing better for my sobriety than you.”
Tears well in my eyes. “You can’t do this for me. You have to do it for yourself. I’ve taken you as far as I can, but now it’s going to be on you. And while there’s a selfish part of me that wants to keep seeing you, my greatest wish is for you to be healthy and sober.”
He nods, his expression serious. “How long?”
“What do you mean?”
“How long do I have to be sober for you to give me a chance?”
I smile sadly. “Give it nine months. But you aren’t going to want your boring old therapist when the time comes.”
“Let’s say I do. Will you trust me enough to try?”
My heart dances in an uneven rhythm. I never anticipated Alexei would be this determined to date me. Even though I’m sure I’ll be the furthest thing from his mind in nine months, it feels really good.
“If you had been sober for nine months, and if you weren’t dating anyone else, and if you wanted to go out with me…then…yes.”
He smiles. “Okay. That’s all I need to know.”
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I don’t date casually. My last relationship ended two years ago and it was very painful for me.”
“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”
I frown at the memory. “My boyfriend at the time, Chris, went out with some friends and came to my apartment in the middle of the night drunk. I didn’t know he was coming, and he got in bed with me. I panicked. Even after I figured out it was him…I still came unglued.” I take a deep breath. “I somehow managed to drag him to my front door and shove him outside. He started beating on my window and yelling for me to let him in and my neighbors called the cops. He told them it was a misunderstanding, but I told them he wasn’t coming into my apartment drunk. Anyway, he got pretty nasty with them and he ended up getting arrested. He lost his job over it.”
“Sounds like he got what he deserved.”
I nod. “I think so, too, but he said some very hurtful things about me.”
“Fuck that guy, he didn’t deserve you.”
“True.”
“I’m glad you told me,” he says. “And I’m planning to stay sober, Graysen. With everything in me, I want it.”
I nod. “I want it for you, too. I want you to recover from your injury, get back to hockey and show everyone what you’re made of. I’ll be watching, cheering you on from here.”
Alexei smiles and says, “If that’s all I can get, I’ll take it. For now.”
18
Alexei
My last day at Beckett is bittersweet.
I’m ready to get back to normal life—getting my phone back is at the top of the list. I’m over living with strangers and I miss skating so damn much. It’s great to be able to strength train and work on my flexibility now that my hip is feeling better, but it’s a completely different feeling to actually be on the ice.
There’s only one downside to graduating the program—I won’t get to see Graysen every day anymore. And if she convinces herself that being with me is a bad idea, I may never see her again.
“Alexei, I’d like to introduce my husband Jack,” Melinda says, approaching me. “Jack, this is Alexei.”
Jack is tall and bald, and he looks like a warm, happy guy. He’s wearing a well-cut suit and looking proudly at his wife every time she speaks.
“I meant it about keeping in touch,” I tell Melinda. “You guys are welcome at Blaze home games anytime, and I hope we can get together for dinner soon. We can invite Joe too.”
“We’d like that,” she says. “I know my kids and grandkids would love to meet you.”
I put a hand on her shoulder. “Knowing you has changed my life for the better. I’ll always be in your corner.”
Her eyes well with tears and Jack gives me a grateful look.
“Same here, Alexei.”
“One day at a time,” I remind her.
“This is him!” Joe calls out, ushering his kids over to me. “This is my new bro, Alexei.”
His son looks up at me, wide-eyed.
“Hi Alexei, I’m Trish,” his wife says, shaking my hand.
The kids are all dressed in their Sunday best for their dad’s graduation ceremony. They all introduce themselves, none of them straying too from their dad after being apart from him for five weeks.
“This guy’s been my best friend in here,” I tell them, putting an arm around Joe’s shoulders. “He promised he’d bring you guys to see a Blaze game soon, so you make sure he does, okay? You can sit in the friends and family section.”
They erupt with excitement and Joe takes the moment he doesn’t have kids gripping onto him to give me a hug.
“You’ve got my number,” he says. “Call me anytime, 24/7.”
“Same here.”
He grins. “We did it. Man, I didn’t think I could at first.”
I hold up my two small medallions—one for thirty days sober and another for fifty. Even the days I was in a coma counted, so I’m coming up on two months alcohol free.
“I want to see yours when we get together for a…meal sometime,” I tell Joe.
Getting together with friends for a beer is one of those things I’m going to have to replace with something new. It was never just one or two beers for me; it inevitably turned into me closing down the bar, my friends long gone by then.
There’s a catch in my throat as I see Martin and Laura coming toward me, both of them smiling. Anton’s on the road with the Blaze, so he couldn’t be here, but Martin and Laura are looking at me like I just won gold in the Olympics.
“You look wonderful,” Laura says, hugging me tight. “We’re so proud of you, Alexei.”
Martin hugs me next, then stands back to study me. “You’ve been keeping up with your training.”
“Trying to.”
“How’s your hip?”
“It’s getting better. I’m able to do more every day in therapy.”
“Good, glad to hear it.”
I want to introduce them to Joe and his family, but they’ve moved on already. Since the three of us are alone now, I take advantage of the moment to say something I’ve been thinking about.
“Guys, I need to apologize for the embarrassment I’ve caused you.”
“We’ve never been embarrassed by you,” Martin says, shaking his head.
“That’s nice of you to say, but—”
He cuts me off, putting a hand on my shoulder. “It’s the truth. We’ve been worried about you, but never embarrassed. No one’s perfect.”
There’s a lump in my throat, but I manage a nod.
“Alexei, Mia asked me to tell you their guest room is all ready for you when you leave here,” Laura says.
“Oh. That’s good of them, but I’m gonna stay downtow
n in a hotel and start looking for an apartment. I’ll have to be downtown for physical therapy twice a day anyways.”
She lights up. “Our hotel room is at the Palmer House. If you stay there, we could take an extra couple days to stay in Chicago and spend some time with you. We can go out for dinners and maybe shop for things for your new place.”
Martin gives her a look. “He doesn’t want to hang out with his parents after being cooped up in here for five weeks. He probably wants to catch up with friends.”
“No, actually…I don’t have many friends here,” I say. “I’d like to hang out with you guys.”
I catch a glimpse of Graysen’s long blond curls and dart in her direction, saying, “I’ll be right back.”
When I get to her, she smiles. “Congratulations, Alexei.”
“Thank you. That hardly seems like enough to say for what you’ve done.”
“You did the hard part.”
“Hey, will you come meet Martin and Laura?”
“Of course, I’d love to.”
They only have time to shake hands and say hello before everyone takes their seats for the graduation ceremony. An actor, and Beckett alum, who has been eleven years sober gives the keynote, and all of us get a certificate and another medallion for completing the program.
It’s been a little less than two months since the accident, and in that time, my whole life has changed. I don’t dismiss everything with a joke anymore. I take time to think about what I’m going to say before I speak. When I look at others now, I have a new awareness of what they could be struggling with.
I have to focus on physical rehab and staying sober for now. As hard as it will be to live in the same city as Graysen and not see her, I know she’s right. If I don’t put in the work to get back on the ice, or if I go back to drinking, I won’t be the man I want to be for her. She deserves the best.
Jack and Melinda invite Joe and his family and Martin, Laura and me out for lunch after the ceremony. I tell them I’ll meet them at the restaurant and go to Graysen’s office to say goodbye to her.
She’s not there, though. When I find the secretary that all the therapists share, she tells me Graysen’s in a staff meeting that’ll last at least a couple hours.
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