She was shaking as she climbed into his SUV and almost couldn’t fasten the seatbelt. Luckily, he didn’t say a word. He simply waited patiently until it snapped into place. He didn’t speak on the way from his house to her condo either. When they arrived, he got out of his side of the SUV and rounded to her side, waiting as she jumped down.
He walked behind her to the door and took her keys from her shaking fingers to unlock it. There was a small lamp on in the living room. Shayla would be upstairs sleeping.
Bex had no idea what time it was. It didn’t matter. She had nowhere to go and no one to see. Not even Bracken now. He would think she was a freak, and he’d be right. She’d be too embarrassed to see him again. “Thank you for driving me,” she said without looking at him. “I’m sorry about that.”
“No need to be sorry. You have PTSD. There’s no reason to be embarrassed. I get it. I’ve seen it many times. It’s perfectly normal. Try to get some sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning. Call me when you wake up. Okay?”
She didn’t respond. She wouldn’t lie to him, and she wouldn’t call him either. Things would not seem rosier in the morning. They would seem far worse. She knew that for a fact.
She crossed her arms and shivered.
Bracken sighed. “Okay, I’m going to go now. Please… Just call me, Rebekah.” He finally left, shutting the door behind him.
She didn’t move for a long time, listening to his SUV start up and then drive away. She took deep breaths and blew them out as she’d learned to do long ago. It didn’t work, but it helped. Finally, she dragged herself up the stairs and into her room.
After shutting the door with a soft snick, she padded into the bathroom. She didn’t bother turning on the lights. Instead, she removed her dress and bra and pulled a T-shirt over her head. She didn’t even bother washing off her makeup or brushing her teeth. She was exhausted and devastated and climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.
She wouldn’t sleep. She never slept after a nightmare. She would lie here tossing and turning and reliving the horrors of her past over and over. Except now she could add tonight’s antics to her nightmares. How embarrassing. She groaned as she rolled into a ball on her side and squeezed her eyes closed, imagining what Bracken must think of her.
Sure, he’d said the right words, and she knew he understood better than most people about PTSD, but he didn’t know her story. No one did. Even her parents were barely informed. She wasn’t about to open that can of worms. Never. Not with Bracken or anyone.
This was why she didn’t date. This was why she never should have let herself get involved with Bracken. She couldn’t continue this farce. Pretending she was normal and could have a normal relationship. Ha. She couldn’t even have sex, let alone sleep with someone.
Sure, he could be kind about it for a while, but eventually, it would grow old waking up next to someone who was doomed to never fully relax again in this lifetime.
Nope. It would be kinder to break things off with him now. Sever her ties. Get back on track. But what track was that?
After years of successfully stuffing her past deep inside, she’d started reliving the nightmare night after night thanks to a fucking madman who had to get on her damn flight and take her friend hostage, stirring up old memories and sending her into freefall.
She’d never be able to go back to work. How the hell was she going to make money and survive? She couldn’t think about that right now. She needed to put one of her ten thousand relaxation techniques to work and calm the fuck down.
It would be morning soon. Not that daylight changed her problems, but it did chase the ghosts back into the corner.
Chapter 8
Bracken did not go back to sleep. He paced his house until morning, hating that he’d dropped Bex off and gone home. He hadn’t had a choice. No way would he deny her the request. But he hated it all the same. She obviously had unresolved issues, and he suspected they stemmed from something other than the airline incident three weeks ago.
Who the hell was Jenny? He doubted Bex realized she’d mentioned Jenny two times during her rant. Whoever she was, something about her haunted Bex.
Maybe part of her reluctance to have sex was tied to her nightmares. If she slept over and had one, she’d have to explain. If this happened to her often, she might not be inclined to share it with someone else. Did her friends know? Perhaps not. Bex hadn’t woken up screaming. More of a gasp. Like she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. She’d even held her throat.
He hated that she was hurting. He hated that she’d insisted on going home to suffer alone. He hated that he couldn’t hold her and find a way to make it better.
He pulled out his computer in the morning, thinking to distract himself with a little work, but he couldn’t concentrate and glanced at his phone, hoping she would call, about two hundred times. Finally, at lunch, he gave up and drove to her condo.
No one answered. Shayla could very well be on a flight today.
Bracken got back in his car and called Bex from his cell. No answer. He texted her next. No response. Her car was out front, so he knew she was most likely inside, but she was either dead asleep, in the shower, or didn’t want to talk to him.
He didn’t want to leave, so he waited. He sent several more texts. Nothing. Fuck.
Eventually, he drove away. He considered getting Shayla’s number from one of the other women who were dating his friends, but that would break a confidence. After the way Bex had reacted to thinking any of her friends might find out she was a virgin, he didn’t think she would appreciate him calling around to hunt her down, alerting everyone to the fact that she was holed up in her room.
He forced himself to give her time. If she was embarrassed and needed space, he could give her that. For a while. Not forever.
Shit.
Bex spent several hours under her covers, not sleeping, just worrying. When she finally got up, she forced herself to take a shower and find something to eat. Luckily Shayla was at work. She had no idea Bex had come home in the middle of the night.
Bex was impressed that Bracken waited until noon to show up at her door. She ignored him, never leaving her bedroom. He started calling and texting shortly afterward, and she could see him sitting in his car out front for a long time before he gave up and drove away.
She couldn’t face him. Not now. Maybe not ever.
After years of marginally living life, everything was blowing up in her face. Fucking human trafficker. It was like a trigger had been pulled, dragging her past back to haunt her in full-force.
Granted, she had no business dating anyone in the first place. She knew better. She’d known for years that she would never let herself get close to a man. But then Bracken had shown up and turned her inside out.
She sighed as she sat on the edge of her bed and then dropped back onto her side and curled up into a ball once more. Last night had been amazing. He’d been so gentle with her, and he’d brought her to a place she’d never believed existed.
Perhaps she would have been better off never knowing that kind of pleasure because now she would miss it. She would never be able to forget the euphoria she felt when her body gave in as her first orgasm swept through her. Total bliss. The best feeling in the world.
She groaned. Chances of her ever experiencing that again were slim. Except that wasn’t true. Now that she knew better, she could do it to herself. She could get one of those vibrators he spoke about. All her friends had them. She could too. Someday. Maybe.
Right now, she didn’t care. All she cared about was getting out of this relationship with Bracken so she could go back to focusing on surviving.
She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Fuck. Just fuck. Her life was a mess. The airline was still paying her for these six weeks, but in three weeks she would need to either go back to work or quit. And then what?
She couldn’t risk going back. She knew in her soul she would have a panic attack if she ever got on another plane,
let alone work as a flight attendant. She would forever be looking over her shoulder on any flight, wondering if the man in the third or fifth or twentieth row was actually a criminal.
She wasn’t qualified to do anything else. She’d gone to college, so she at least had her bachelor’s, and it was in business, but she’d never used it. She’d chosen to work for the airline right out of college four years ago.
Loneliness and despair crept in. She was used to seeing Bracken every day. Even though she’d only been dating him a week, she felt his absence. Usually, they exchanged texts or spoke on the phone at least a few times in the morning, and then by midafternoon they were together.
She missed him. He’d been filling a void, especially now that she wasn’t working.
She decided to go for a jog late in the afternoon. Maybe the exercise would pull her out of her funk. She ran hard, not stopping for several miles. When she reached the local playground, she finally stopped, walked a few minutes to catch her breath, and then sat on a bench.
As she watched the people around her, she had the oddest sense that she wasn’t real. She felt out-of-body. Like she was a ghost or a spirit watching things unfold. Families were laughing and playing. Kids on swings. Moms pushing them. Dads chasing toddlers when they strayed too far.
Until three weeks ago, things had gone well for Bex for several years. She’d managed to shove her high school trauma deep down, ignore it, enjoy life as best she could. She’d been simply living, but she also had friends, people she could count on. She’d laughed and gone out to bars.
She’d known she wasn’t normal like other people, but she hadn’t cared for the most part. It hadn’t kept her from going to school, getting a job, living in an apartment.
It felt like everything was falling apart now, more so today than yesterday. For the first two weeks after the incident, she’d been kind of numb, not quite realizing what she was facing. She spent the third week on an emotional high, having met a man who liked her and cared enough to treat her well. She’d lied to herself and him, pretending she could date someone like a regular adult woman.
She’d known better deep down, but she hadn’t been prepared to have it all collapse. Why the hell had she let herself fall asleep on his couch in his arms?
Maybe it was for the best. The longer she went on pretending she could date Bracken and be a normal grownup, the harder it would have been to break up with him. Though she couldn’t imagine feeling any worse than she did right now. It had been less than a day and she missed him.
He was so damn kind. She’d started to believe he had enough confidence for the both of them. Maybe if her life hadn’t altered course three weeks ago, she could have dated him longer. Before the airline incident, she’d been sleeping several hours at a time for years. She’d woken up in a cold sweat less often.
Now? Now she was back to the frequent nightmares.
A little girl on the playground squealed with delight as her father tossed her into the air and caught her. The mother stood to one side smiling.
Bex felt deep jealousy. It was impossible to imagine ever having a child, let alone a husband. Hell, it was downright difficult to get pregnant if you never had sex. Not to mention what a horrible parent she would be. She’d be overprotective, never letting the kid out of her sight. It would get worse as the child grew older. Any kid of hers would hate her by the time they were a teenager.
She closed her eyes, remembering again every second of last night. The best date ever, just as she’d told him. The symphony, dinner, making out on Bracken’s couch. The feel of his hand when he first stroked her breast, the way he thumbed her nipple, taking the tight bud into his mouth. God, when he hitched her leg up and reached around to cup her sex over her panties…
She’d thought she might melt into the couch when he stroked her labia and then circled her clit. No experience in her life could compare to the high she felt when he brought her to orgasm. Why had she never tried to accomplish that on her own?
She’d known she could, at least hypothetically. Her friends owned vibrators. They joked about the kind they preferred. They also had men who made them come during sex. When they discussed such things, Bex simply nodded and pretended to go along. She was shy and reserved. They probably just assumed she didn’t like to kiss and tell.
She’d never considered masturbating. Now that she thought about it, perhaps she hadn’t felt worthy of that much pleasure. But mostly, she simply hadn’t known it was such a big deal.
Could she do it now? She wasn’t sure. She’d rather experience it with Bracken than alone. Somehow she didn’t think it would be the same. In any case, it would be a while before she was willing to find out. If ever.
When the sun started to dip in the sky, Bex finally rose and walked the rest of the way back to her condo. Shayla wouldn’t be home for a while still. Bex could force herself to eat something and then go to her room and pretend to be asleep when her roommate returned. She wasn’t ready to face her yet.
She wasn’t ready to face anyone.
Chapter 9
Knocking on her bedroom door dragged Bex out of sleep. Judging by the light streaming in around the blinds, she guessed it was late morning.
“Bex?” Shayla asked. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” Bex pushed to sitting as Shayla entered. This was expected. Eventually, she was going to have to face people.
Shayla looked concerned as she stepped inside and shut the door. “You okay?” she asked. She knew something, and that bothered Bex.
“Yep. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Shayla sat on the edge of the bed. “Bracken is downstairs. He says you haven’t answered his calls. Did something happen?”
Fuck. Great. Of course, he’s here. She should have anticipated that. She sighed and slid back under the covers. “It’s just not going to work out is all.”
“Why? You were so excited. I’ve never seen you so happy as you have been this week. What happened?”
Bex shrugged. “Can you just tell him I don’t want to see him?”
“I could, but I don’t think he’s going to accept that answer. He seems determined.”
Bex groaned and turned her face into the pillow.
“Why don’t you talk to him? Whatever happened, maybe he has an explanation. If he doesn’t, tell him to get lost. I’ll support you.” Her voice was strong and determined. It was interesting that she thought Bracken had done something wrong. Kind of him not to share anything.
Bex owed him a face-to-face breakup. She knew she did. Might as well get it over with. “Fine. Tell him I’ll be down in a few minutes.” She slid from the bed and padded toward the bathroom. She should at least comb her hair, brush her teeth, and put on clean clothes. At the moment, she was wearing a tank top and cotton shorts. Her hair was a mess from sleeping on it damp.
Shayla seemed pleased as she silently left the room.
When Bex exited her attached bathroom, she was startled to find Bracken sitting on her bed. He’d come in quietly and shut the door. She hadn’t heard him. She was still wearing the thin tank top and small shorts not fit for guests, but at least she’d brushed her teeth and hair.
She stood in the doorway to the bathroom, her heart pounding.
“I thought it would be best if we spoke alone, so I came up here,” Bracken announced.
Bex nodded. He was right. She should have thought of that. If she went downstairs, Shayla would be privy to their conversation.
“First, I want you to know that I haven’t spoken to a soul about Friday night. I simply told Shayla that I hadn’t been able to get ahold of you.”
Bex nodded again. “Thank you.”
“You can trust me, Rebekah. I won’t break your confidence.”
She swallowed. Why did he have to be so damn nice?
“I’m worried about you.”
She chuckled sardonically without thinking. It just happened. “That makes two of us.”
His brows were drawn together in conce
rn. Seconds ticked by before he spoke again. “How often do you have nightmares?”
She chewed on her bottom lip for a while and then released it. She wanted to tell him to leave. She wanted to break up with him and not have this conversation. He was going to make that difficult because he cared.
“Will you come over here and sit with me?” he asked.
She was leaning against the wall outside the bathroom. “I’d rather stay here.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
Damn, he looked good. He had on khaki shorts today and a white T-shirt. His usual Vans. She wanted to climb onto his lap and pretend she was someone else. “We need to break up. I can’t date you anymore.”
He swallowed and then drew in a breath. “I disagree.”
She looked down at her feet, remembering what she was wearing and then crossing her arms over her chest. Jesus, he could see her nipples through this shirt. And why should she care? He’d had his mouth around them two nights ago.
“Look, I get that you’ve experienced something traumatic, but please don’t shut me out. I’m here. I really like you, Rebekah. A lot. Let me help. Let me listen.”
She met his gaze. He pulled at her heartstrings. If there was anyone alive she would ever consider opening up to, it would be him. No one had ever shown her this much kindness knowing what he now knew. What very little he knew.
He seemed to realize that her trauma did not come from three weeks ago, and though she couldn’t recall what all she’d said to him the other night, she did know she’d at least mentioned Jenny in her crazed state of mind.
“Please come over here, baby.” His voice was so gentle and sweet, and he made her body take notice when he called her baby.
“I can’t think when you touch me,” she admitted in a whisper.
He smiled. “Maybe you’d like to avoid thinking altogether for a while. Looks like you could use some sleep.” He patted the bed next to him. “How about if you lie down? I’ll hold you, and you can get some rest.”
Nonstop (Open Skies Book 3) Page 6