5. I. Extebarria, M. J. Ortiz, S. Conejero, and A. Pascual, “Intensity of Habitual Guilt in Men and Women: Differences in Interpersonal Sensitivity and the Tendency towards Anxious-Aggressive Guilt,” Spanish Journal of Psychology 12, no. 2 (2009): 540–54.
6. See for example S. S. Dickerson, M. E. Kemeny, N. Aziz, K. H. Kim, and J. L. Fahey, “Immunological Effects of Induced Shame and Guilt,” Psychosomatic Medicine 66(1) (2004): 124–31, or see A. Rozanski, J. A. Blumenthal, and J. Kaplan, “Impact of Psychological Factors on the Pathogenesis of Cardiovascular Disease: Implications for Therapy,” Circulation 99(16) (1999): 2192–217.
7. B. Almond, The Monster Within: The Hidden Side of Motherhood (Berkeley/Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2010), 7.
8. Warner, Perfect Madness, 102.
9. P. R. Breggin, The Heart of Being Helpful (New York: Springer Publishing Company, 1997), 59.
10. E. Selcuk et al., “Does Partner Responsiveness Predict Hedonic and Eudaimonic Well-Being? A 10-Year Longitudinal Study,” Journal of Marriage and Family 78 (2016): 311–25.
10: Lost and Found
1. Permission to use the lyrics that appear here and later in the chapter was graciously granted by Antje Duvekot. The song appears on the album Toward the Thunder, © 2016, Antje Duvekot.
2. Breggin, The Heart of Being Helpful, 57–58.
3. A. M. Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea (New York: Pantheon Books, 1955), 57–58; emphasis added.
4. Permission to use this excerpt from the poem “Kindness” was graciously granted by the author, Naomi Shihab Nye. The poem appears in Words Under the Words, Far Corner Books, 1995.
Index
The pagination of this digital edition does not match the print edition from which the index was created. To locate a specific entry, please use your ebook reader's search tools.
Adele, 9
Almond, Barbara, 194–95
ambivalence, 13–14, 19, 29, 47
American Time Use Survey, 126
anxiety
exercise and, 125
guilt and, 187, 187n
mindfulness and, 63
during pregnancy, 39–40
anxiety disorders, 250n17
The Artist’s Way (Cameron), 208n
attachment, secure, 145–47, 165, 217, 217n
attachment histories, 164–68
attachment in couples, 140–54, 163–71
attachment behavior, 149–50, 160
attachment theory and, 143–45, 153, 160, 252nn9–11
childhood attachments and, 146–47, 153–54, 163–68
dependency needs and autonomy, 144–46, 150
emotional accessibility and responsiveness, 147–49
fight-or-flight response, 153
lack of, and unhappiness, 140–42
physiological indicators of, 252–53n14
transition to parenthood and, 150–54, 168–71
withdrawal and, 150–52, 167
attachment parenting, 175–76, 253n5
autonomy and dependency, 144–46
babysitting, fathers depicted as, 108n
balance, difficulty in achieving, 105–6
Beauvoir, Simone de, 53
bed-sharing with children, 152, 175–76, 213–15
believing mirrors, 208, 208n
bodies, memories held within, 87–88
body image, 231–32
The Body Keeps the Score (van der Kolk), 87, 88
boredom, 19–21, 30
Bowlby, John, 252nn9–10
Bowling Alone (Putnam), 102
breastfeeding
attachment parenting and, 175–76
difficulties with, 55
expectations and, 53
feelings of unattractiveness and, 231
oxytocin and, 103
partners and, 13, 112, 118–19, 128, 180
social media habits and, 23
weight loss and, 214–15
working and, 65, 118
Breggin, Peter, 207–8, 222
Brenhouse, Hillary, 92–93
Brown, Brené, 18n
Buchanan, Andrea, 39, 47
Buddhas, children as, 177–204
guilt and, 177–78, 179–80, 185–97
learning about ourselves, 178–86, 204, 210–11, 218–19
reparenting ourselves, 197–204
Buddhas, partners as, 204–11
The Business of Being Born (film), 81–82
Buss, David, 104
caesarean births, 79, 80–81, 82, 83–84, 90, 94, 248–49nn2–3
Cameron, Julia, 208n
change, embracing, 233–37
chaos
coping with, 18–19, 45–46
identity shifts and, 41–44
Lerner on, 39
social media and, 24
cherished intruders, children as, 215–19
childbirth, 78–90
author’s experience, 78–79
C-sections, 79, 80–81, 82, 83–84, 90, 94, 248–49nn2–3
difficult, permission to recover from, 83, 89–90
expectations for, unfulfilled, 79–87, 89
marital tension vs. satisfaction and, 83–85, 248–49n2
shame and, 79
traumatic, 80–81, 83, 86–87, 89
childcare, 95, 99–101, 104, 106
childhood, healing wounds from, 197–204
childless adults, 29–30
children
bed-sharing with, 152, 175–76, 213–15
behavior problems of, 172–74
as Buddhas (See Buddhas, children as)
as cherished intruders, 215–19
mixed emotions about, 14, 18–22, 27–29, 47–48, 52, 219–20, 223–24
number of, 128–30, 219–20
older, and changing parental roles, 182–85
sleep problems in (See sleep struggles)
communal responsiveness, 103
conversations, face-to-face, 25, 101–2
co-sleeping with children, 152, 175–76, 213–15
Couples, Gender, and Power (Knudson-Martin and Mahoney), 96
Cowan, Carolyn and Philip, 114–15, 116–17
“A Crash Course in Vulnerability and Other Lessons” (Lerner), 39
C-sections, 79, 80–81, 82, 83–84, 90, 94, 248–49nn2–3
date nights, 195–96
daughters vs. sons, 215–16, 216n
dependency needs of adults, 144–46, 150
depression
birth of first child and, 137
exercise and, 125
four years after birth, 75
gender differences in, 104, 114, 188, 250n17
guilt and, 188, 188n, 192
major depressive disorder, 188n, 250n17
marital dissatisfaction and, 139–40
marital therapy and, 37, 246n13
mindfulness and, 63
opposite of, 48–49
paternity leave and, 97
postpartum depression (PPD), 9–10, 17, 37–38, 139–40, 148, 235
social isolation and, 104
spousal hostility and, 247n14
dialectical thinking, 245n1(Intro)
displacement, 181
divorce, 36, 138, 161, 207, 235–36
dogs, 217n
Douglas, Susan, 95
Down Came the Rain (Shields), 9
dual-earner households, 105, 105n, 249n11
Duvekot, Antje, 213
emotional attunement, 50, 146, 148, 155, 160–71, 186–88
emotional freedom, 178, 203–4
emotional responsiveness, 147–49, 155, 161
empathy, 163, 187–88
Engendering Motherhood (McMahon), 132
Ephron, Nora, 133
Erdrich, Louise, 8, 59
eudaimonic well-being, 209
Everyday Blessings (Kabat-Zinn and Kabat-Zinn), 67, 178, 180
The Examined Life (Grosz), 180
exercise, 62, 72, 99, 117–18, 125
expectations, 51–58,
75, 79–87, 89, 111–13, 237, 248n5
experience sampling, 30, 61
extroverts vs. introverts, 215–16
face-to-face interaction, 25, 101–2
Family and Medical Leave Act, U.S., 96
family myths, 128
fatherhood compared to motherhood, 107–32. See also gender differences
expectations and, 111–12, 113
guilt and, 187–88, 193–96
identity shifts, 116, 117–18, 128
invisible male power and myth of equality, 121–28
libido, loss of, and, 116, 151–52, 183
number of children and, 128–30
older children and changing roles, 182–85
transition to parenthood and, 110–11, 114–15, 116–18, 168–69, 169n
fathers
caregiving by, 97–99, 100–101, 108n, 116, 120, 124–25, 192–93
paternity leave and, 96–99, 249n6
relative contributions to domestic tasks, 117, 120–21
feelings, expressing, 178, 203–6
female effect and social connections, 102–3
fight-or-flight response
relevance to attachment, 153
Finding Your Inner Mama (Buchanan), 39, 47
fog happiness, 31, 34
Fox, Bonnie, 106, 122
freedom to feel, 48–51
Full Catastrophe Living (Kabat-Zinn), 46–47, 58
full catastrophe of motherhood
chaos, and identity shifts, 41–44
chaos, coping with, 45–46
emotional states, spectrum of, 47–48
expectations, perils of, 51–58, 248n5
freedom to feel, 48–51
Lerner on, 39, 44, 45, 46
mindfulness and, 46–47
pain vs. suffering, 42, 54–56, 247–48n2
pregnancy, 39–40, 51
shopping with a toddler story, 34
fundamental attribution error, 109–10
gender differences. See also fatherhood compared to motherhood
in attachment concerns, 168–69, 169n
in depression, 104, 114, 188, 250n17
in guilt, 187–88, 192–96
in marital satisfaction, 115
parenthood’s creation of, 119–20, 128, 169n
research on, 108–9
transition to parenthood and, 110–11, 114–15, 116–18, 133–37
uncontaminated free time and, 126–27
gender equality, myth of, 123–24
gender inequality in parenting. See fatherhood compared to motherhood
Gift from the Sea (Lindbergh), 234
Gilbert, Daniel, 30–31, 61–62, 66
The Girlfriends’ Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood, 92n
glossing, 128
Gottman, John, 148–49, 158, 160, 161, 253n14
grandparents, 100
gratitude, 218–19
grief, postpartum. See postpartum grief
Grosz, Stephen, 180
group therapy, 19, 20–21
guilt
anxiety and, 187, 187n
emotional attunement and, 162
enlightenment and, 177–78, 179–80, 185–97
excessive or inappropriate, 188, 188n
gender differences in, 187–88, 192–96
habitual, 187
invisible male power and, 125, 125n
marital tensions and, 155, 156, 192–94
mixed emotions and, 76
partner responsiveness and, 209
rejection or resentment of partners and, 12, 26, 72
sense of loss and, 6, 14
shame and, 21–22
unfounded vs. constructive, 188–92, 194, 196–97
working mothers and, 65, 157
Haley, Jay, 174
happiness, 29–35, 62, 67–68, 101–2
The Happiness Project (Rubin), 31
health, 101–2, 103, 188. See also mental health
The Heart of Being Helpful (Breggin), 207–8, 222
hedonic well-being, 208–9
how-to books, 53–54, 248n5
identity shifts, 41–43, 114–15, 116, 117–18, 128, 181–82
illusions, 211, 237–238, 239
impermanence, 9, 64–67
Inside Out (film), 49–50
intensive parenting, 121
internet paradox, 24
introverts vs. extroverts, 215–16
intrusive images, 17–18, 21, 26–27
Iovine, Vicki, 92n
Jackson, Shirley, 18–19
Johnson, Susan, 145, 147–48, 155, 252n9, 252n11
journal writing, 25
joy, negative emotions mixed with
full catastrophe of motherhood and, 47–51
Jackson on, 18–19
postpartum transformation and, 3–4, 9, 11–12, 14
shame and, 29
sleeping children and, 34–35
Kabat-Zinn, Jon, 46–47, 58, 67, 178, 180
Kabat-Zinn, Myla, 67, 178, 180
Karr, Mary, 88–89, 205
Killingsworth, Matthew, 61–62, 66
“Kindness” (poem), 237
Knudson-Martin, Carmen, 96, 122–24
Kolk, Bessel van der, 87, 88
Lamott, Anne, 32
Lerner, Harriet, 39, 44, 45, 46, 178
The Liars’ Club (Karr), 88–89
libido, loss of, 92
communication and, 170
expectations and, 53
fatherhood compared to motherhood and, 116, 151–52, 183
guilt and resentment over, 12–13, 151–52
long-term, 73
postpartum recovery and, 92
Life Among the Savages (Jackson), 18–19
Lindbergh, Anne Morrow, 234
Linehan, Marsha, 247–48n2
The Longest Shortest Time (podcast), 27
loss, sense of, 5–9, 11–12, 14, 40–44, 140
lost and found in motherhood, 213–39
bed-sharing and breastfeeding, 213–15
children as cherished intruders, 215–19
contentment, 238–39
embracing change, 233–37
emotional states, spectrum of, 219–24
illusions, letting go of, 237–38
self-discovery and empowerment, 224–30
unattractiveness, feelings of, 230–33
Love Sense (Johnson), 155
lying-in period, 94–95
Mahoney, Anne Rankin, 96, 122–24
major depressive disorder, 188n, 250n17
marital tension vs. satisfaction
attachment and (See attachment in couples)
childbirth and, 83–85, 248–49n2
childcare support and, 100–101, 106
depression and, 139–40
difficulty of parenting and, 171–76
displacement and, 181
envy and, 183
father’s level of involvement and, 98–99
full catastrophe of motherhood and, 41
gender differences in, 115, 117
guilt and, 192–94
indifference and, 139–40, 148
inequality and, 129–32
long-term, 73–74
postpartum transformation and, 12–14
research on, 137–42
sex and, 62, 92n (See also libido, loss of)
sleep struggles and, 133–37, 200
transition to parenthood and, 36–37, 137–38, 155–59
marital therapy, 37, 155–59, 169–70, 246n13
Marneffe, Daphne de, 68, 162
marriage. See also marital tension vs. satisfaction; marital therapy
change in, embracing, 234–37
emotional states, spectrum of, 220, 221–24
men and health benefits of, 103
mental health and, 246–47nn13–14
partners as Buddhas, 204–11
PPD and, 37–38
shame and, 26–27, 35–38
uniting against u
nequal system, 130–32
The Mask of Motherhood (Maushart), 17, 214
Maternal Desire (de Marneffe), 68
maternity leave. See parental leave
Maushart, Susan, 17, 107, 214
McMahon, Martha, 132
mental health. See also anxiety; depression
anxiety disorders, 250n17
face-to-face interaction and, 101–2
marriage and, 246–47nn13–14
negative emotions and, 47
pain vs. suffering, 42, 54–56, 247–48n2
partner responsiveness and well-being, 208–9
social media and, 24
Michaels, Meredith, 95
Miller, Alice, 48–49
Miller, Claire Cain, 96
mindfulness, 46–47, 63, 66–68, 76
mind-wandering, 61–62, 248n2(Ch. 4)
mirror neurons, 163, 163n, 253n3
mirrors, spouses and children as, 4, 178, 208–9, 218–19
Misconceptions (Wolf), 5–6, 15, 77
The Mommy Myth (Douglas and Michaels), 95
motherhood
catastrophe of (See full catastrophe of motherhood)
children as Buddhas (See Buddhas, children as)
complexity of, ix–xi
false dichotomies in, x, 10, 235–36, 245n1(Intro)
fatherhood compared to (See fatherhood compared to motherhood)
lost and found in, xi–xii (See also lost and found in motherhood)
vs. mothering, x
romantic partnerships and, x (See also marriage)
shame, and mixed emotions of (See shame)
support and (See support for new mothers)
time and (See time and presence in the moment)
transition to (See postpartum transformation)
motherhood penalty, 97, 249n6
Mundy, Liza, 99
nexting, 61, 62–63
Nhat Hanh, Thich, 223
Nicolson, Paula, 1
Nye, Naomi Shihab, 237
Of Woman Born (Rich), 224, 245n2(Intro)
Operating Instructions (Lamott), 32
oxytocin, 102–3, 188, 252–53n14
To Have and to Hold Page 27