“Jim is dying,” she said matter-of-factly. “He was diagnosed with lung cancer a couple of years ago and it traveled to his brain. The doctors said he has at most a month to live.”
“I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said reassuringly. “He’s been tough to deal with, very angry and needy, so I’ve been traveling to keep myself sane.”
“You’ve been traveling?” I said with disbelief. This was the woman who put her husband’s needs ahead of everything in her life, even me. How could she not be there for him now? “Who’s taking care of him?”
David shot a look at me that said I was interrupting his TV watching. I got up from the couch and quickly headed into the kitchen.
“He’s a grown man, he can take care of himself. I shouldn’t have to stop living just because he’s dying,” she said. “As a matter of fact, I just got back from a resort in Scottsdale. I had such a great time. I can see why you wanted to head west, it’s beautiful there.”
“You went by yourself?” I asked, my mind spinning.
“Yes, and no. I met a friend there at the hotel.”
“A friend? Gladys?”
“No, Gladys? Are you kidding? She never wants to do anything fun. Anyway, it’s not anyone you know. His name is Johnny, and we met on Facebook.”
“Johnny? You have a boyfriend? You’re married! What about Jim?”
“I already told you, he’s dying.” She let out an annoyed sigh. “Johnny’s really nice, you’d like him. He has a big house in Southern California, and he tells me how beautiful I am all the time.”
“Umm okay,” I said, trying to not let the shock creep into my voice. “That’s nice, Mom.”
Good to see nothing has changed, Mom.
“Anyway, there’s a reason I called,” she said.
Oh, here it comes. I knew she didn’t call just to see how I was doing. She hadn’t changed at all. If anything, I was surprised to see that she was much worse.
As she started to talk, I felt like cutting her off and asking, ‘how much money do you want, Mom?’ Little did I know, money wasn’t what she wanted.
“Jim asked me to call you. He wants you to visit before he dies. He said he needs to talk to you.”
He needs to talk to me? No way. No fucking way. I couldn’t do it. I had only said no to my mother once before, and while she really wasn’t asking me for much, there was no way I could see the man who had caused me so much pain, even if he was dying.
“No, Mom. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do that.”
“You’ve always been an ungrateful person. I don’t know what I did to deserve a daughter like you.”
“Ungrateful? Did he do something for me to be grateful for? You had to know the things he did, and you never once tried to stop it.”
“I bought him condoms, what more did you want?”
I felt all the air fly out of me like I had just been punched in the stomach. Did she just admit she knew? It made everything so much worse. I didn’t want to deal with this now or ever. I wanted to forget everything. Why couldn’t she just stay away and leave me alone?
“How could you?” I shrieked.
“He was my husband. You always stand by your man,” she said flippantly.
“Is that what you’re doing now with Johnny?”
“That’s different. Jim can’t perform his husbandly duties anymore.”
She was lucky we were having this conversation over the phone. I had no doubt in my mind that if we were talking in person, I would hit her. Hard. Repeatedly.
“I can’t believe you, Mom. I really can’t believe you.”
I wanted to be shocked by her, but it really was just how my mother was. None of it really surprised me at all. Deep down, I always knew she knew. I always knew she didn’t care about me.
“So are you coming or not?” she asked. “You can stay in the guest room.”
I shook uncontrollably as I listened to her voice. I had never spoken back to her, I had never defied her. I was always afraid of the consequences from her or from Jim. I spent my childhood living a life of fear. But hearing her after all these years and realizing that nothing had changed, and how little she really cared about me set me off.
“Aren’t you listening to me?” I said, my voice calm, but forceful. “For years I felt like you hated me. I felt like I didn’t matter. I thought all you cared about was pleasing Jim and you didn’t care what you sacrificed as long as he was happy. You scarified me, your own daughter. How could you treat your daughter like that? You’re my mother. You were supposed to protect me.”
I blinked back the few tears that stung my eyes. I had cried so many times before about my mother and Jim that I didn’t have many tears left. Plus, things were different now, I saw my mother for who she really was.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Rosalie,” she said, her voice lacking emotion like always. “Jim loves you, he always has. He always talks about that time when you were five and he found you in the parking lot skipping school. He thought you were such a beautiful little girl. But you were always just a little bitch.”
“I wasn’t skipping school. What five year old skips school? You just believed what you wanted to believe. You let that monster into our lives, and you didn’t give a fuck how he treated me as long as you got what you wanted.” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but they felt good. I wasn’t going to stop. “I made a promise to myself years ago, when I left home, that that was the last time I would see Jim. And I’m not going back on that promise,” I said. “Remember the nightmares I used to have? The ones that took place in the same parking lot he claims he found me in? Since I made that promise, I haven’t had them. The nightmares ended. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I’m flying out to see him. Or you. Ever.”
I felt a rush of peace come over me. I was finally having my say, and I couldn’t stop the words flowing from my mouth if I wanted to.
“You know what?” I continued. “I’m glad he’s dying, and you’re leaving him all alone. When your time comes and you’re all alone, remember how you treated the people you said you loved and how selfish you always were. When you reach out to me asking me to help and take care of you when you’re old, think about how you sacrificed me to someone you couldn’t even be there for while he was dying. Remember that. Because one day as you’re taking your dying breath, I won’t be there to remind you.”
I hung up the phone before she could respond, and before I could apologize for saying such horrible things to her. All I ever wanted was a mother. Someone to care for me, think about me, protect me like a mother should. That wasn’t her, and it never would be.
She wouldn’t apologize or say the things a mother should say to her daughter. It wasn’t how she was. She cared more about herself than anyone else.
The years I hadn’t spoken to her had changed me. I was finally in control. It took me years, but I realized I was someone that mattered and not some piece of shit like she and Jim always told me I was. I didn’t need to have my mother in my life. No one needs a person like that in their lives, no matter what the relationship was. I was better off without her.
My body vibrated with the anger and pain from the past. My chest hurt like a vise was squeezing it. Slowly, I walked back into the living room where David was focused on the television.
“There you are,” he said. “Where’s my kiss?”
He tapped his cheek, then looked at me impatiently. I gasped for air and hugged myself tightly as cold realization sucker-punched me. He’s just like my stepfather. Why have I kept him around? He’s not even nice to me.
“Get the fuck out of my apartment,” I said calmly, narrowing my eyes at him as I pointed to the door.
“What?”
“You heard me. Get out. We’re done. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
“Fucking crazy bitch,” he muttered as he stood up.
He walked out and I slammed the door behind him, th
en quickly locked it. Relief rushed over me, not only for realizing how wrong David was for me, and that I was only continuing the abuse I grew up with, but for finally standing up for myself to my mother.
It was time for me to push away the nightmares and move on. It was time for me to finally live my own life.
Chapter Seventeen
Rosalie
A couple of months after breaking up with David, I found myself thinking about Shane even more. I pulled up Facebook and started scrolling through all the Shane Ventanas when I saw a photo that knocked the wind out of me. Shane was smiling in the photo with his arm around a dark-haired woman.
Bitch!
I hated her. I didn’t have to know anything about her to hate her. The less I knew about her, the better. But I couldn’t leave his page. I scrolled down his few public posts and then looked at his photos. He didn’t seem very active on there, which was disappointing. But when I noticed the link to the name he was in a relationship with, I clicked it faster than I had ever clicked on anything before in my life.
Her name was Isabel DeLeo. How weird that she has my last name. She was pretty. Bitch. Looked similar to me with her light brown hair and dark eyes. Except she was thinner. Double bitch. Almost every picture of her had her looking lovingly up at Shane. Lucky Bitch.
From what I could tell, they were living together in Virginia. Virginia is for lovers. Fuck you, Virginia! As I scrolled further along her page, I saw the same town name pop up over and over. It took a few minutes for it to register that the town they lived in had the same name as where I lived. That had to mean something. What were the chances that three thousand miles away, he was in the same town, just a different state?
My eyes blurred as tears filled them. I couldn’t control the tears that started to fall. My chest ached. I couldn’t breathe. I could still remember what his lips tasted like. How could he move on? He was supposed to be alone and miserable like me.
I was officially insane. There was no other explanation for how crazy I was acting, but I couldn’t help myself. I picked up the phone and dialed Noelle. Even though we weren’t as close as we were years ago, she was the only one who would understand my current insanity.
“Hello?” Noelle mumbled.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot about the time difference.”
“No, it’s okay, it’s only the middle of the night.” She laughed softly. “Everything okay?”
I sighed. “You’re going to think I’m crazy.”
“I already know you’re crazy, nothing will change that.”
“Okay, okay, but still. I need to talk and you’re the only one who might understand. I’m emailing you a link.”
“What is it?”
“It’s Shane. I found him on Facebook.”
“No shit? He still hot?”
“He looks exactly the same. His hair is a little shorter, but that’s about it. Oh well, except for the woman who seems to be surgically attached to him.”
“Get out! Is he married?”
“No, in a relationship. It hurts just to say that. Did you get the link?”
“Mmm-hmm. Isabel DeLeo? Is she related?”
“I know, right? That’s how fucked up life is, but no relation as far as I know. Add to that, they’re in the same town as me. Well, different state, but how weird is that?”
“Really weird.” Noelle was quiet for a minute and I knew she was scrolling and clicking like I was. “She’s pretty. Which means she’s a bitch, right?”
“Yes,” I said, laughing.
“You’re prettier.”
“You don’t have to say that.”
“I know, but it’s true. Did you send him a friend request?”
“No, I can’t.
“You okay?”
I nodded, even though I knew she couldn’t see me over the phone. The nod was a lie though. Even as I told myself I was okay, my throat tightened and my heart ached. Tears threatened to fall again, but I blinked them back.
“I hated how we ended things. I hated lying to him. And I hate how anytime I go on a date, I compare it to sitting in a hotel room with pints of Ben and Jerry’s.”
“I think that’s normal. He was your first love.”
“He was my only love. I still love him, Noelle.”
“Then send him a friend request. Message him, something.”
“No. Look at him. He’s happy. I don’t know how he feels about me, but I think I love him too much to cause any problems.”
“You’re a better person than me,” she said.
“I’ll be honest, it’s not just that. It hurts just to see them in photos. I couldn’t imagine the pain I’d feel if he actually told me he was happy or if he said he loves her. I couldn’t take that.”
“Then block him. Otherwise you’ll keep stalking his page.”
“Go back to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight,” she said with a yawn.
I bookmarked his page.
As much as I tried to avoid Facebook, I found myself regularly checking if Shane posted something new and checking Isabel’s page since she was more active. I was just looking at a new photo of them when my phone startled me.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Rosalie. It’s your father.”
“Hi, Dad. How are you?”
“I’m actually calling you about that. Promise you won’t get upset, but I need to tell you something.”
“Did something happen? Are you alright? You’re getting me worried.”
“I’m fine, but I wanted to tell you I had a stroke. The doctor called it a mini-stroke.”
“Oh my God! When?”
“About a month ago.”
“A month? And you’re just telling me now?”
“Well, I kind of told you about it then. Remember when I told you I collapsed while I was out running?”
“You said you were okay and that it was nothing.”
“I am okay. I didn’t want you to worry. But Joanna said I should tell you.”
“I’m coming out there,” I said as I opened my laptop. “I’m booking the next flight to New Jersey. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“No, you don’t have to come, I told you everything’s okay. I was in the hospital for a few days when it happened, but you know I never missed our weekly call.”
I wanted to strangle my dad. He was right, he never missed our weekly call, but he never told me what really happened to him. I was grateful that he still had enough of a friendship with Joanna that she told him to tell me. But now I needed to fly out there and see for myself if he really was as okay as he said.
“There’s a flight this afternoon. That’ll have me in late.”
“Let me know when and I’ll pick you up at the airport.”
“No, Dad. You are not making that drive by yourself. Call Joanna and see if she can come.”
“Alright, alright. Promise me you’ll call when you land.”
The nice thing about bad news was that it provided a distraction. And the great thing about being trapped in a flying tube for six hours was that I couldn’t access Facebook. I was finally able to get back to work on a book I had been working on. Unfortunately, the more I wrote, the more it turned out to be about Shane.
I needed an intervention.
It was almost midnight when the plane landed. I didn’t want my father driving at that hour to pick me up, but I did promise I’d call. As the bell dinged indicating we could unfasten our seat belts, I called my dad’s cell.
“Hello, Rosalie! Did you have a good flight?”
“It was good, not much turbulence. Listen, don’t pick me up. It’s late, so I’m just going to take a cab.”
“It is late, but I’m not coming to get you. Is he there yet?”
“I’m just getting off the plane now. Is who here yet?”
“Shane. Shane is coming.”
Great, now I’m hearing things.
“What? I must’ve lost you. What did you s
ay?”
“Shane is coming. He should be there. He’s coming to pick you up.”
I hung up the phone and looked at the line of people ahead of me waiting to get out of the plane. Should I change? I look like crap. And Lord knows what my hair looks like. Why is he here?
As I got off the plane, everything began to spin. I moved out of the way and sat in the waiting area as I forced myself to breathe normally. My heart raced and for a moment I thought I was going to get sick.
What is wrong with me?
Taking a deep breath, I walked to the ladies' room and looked at myself in the mirror. I splashed some water on my face and rummaged through my bag for some lipstick to give myself some color. I pulled my hair out of the elastic holding my ponytail and ran my fingers through my hair. It wasn’t perfect, but it would have to do.
I walked through the gate, pulling my bag behind me as my heart pounded. At that moment, I realized how dull my life had been since he left. Sure, I graduated college and moved across the country, but there was nothing else to my life, it was black and white.
As I stepped past security, I saw Shane standing in the middle of the walkway with an airport bouquet of flowers in his hand. He was wearing black pants and a fitted eggplant-colored shirt. His hair was brushed back with a part on the side and he had on black framed glasses which made him look even sexier, something I didn’t think was possible.
A smile spread across his face when he saw me. He lifted his other hand, which held a white card with ‘Princess Rosalie’ neatly printed on it.
My heart leapt, reminding me what it was like to live again. As I walked faster towards him, he came to me, dropped everything, and picked me up and spun me around. I threw my arms around his neck, holding on as I laughed despite the tears that swelled in my eyes.
Chapter Eighteen
Rosalie
“Damn, it’s so good to see you,” he said.
He stopped spinning but didn’t let me go. His lips suddenly pressed against mine. I sighed happily.
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