by Rebecca Rode
Something happened that first day we met, Aden had said. I just… felt something.
Something inside me twisted, an ache that shouldn’t have been there. I shifted uncomfortably, pulling my knees tighter against my cursed chest. The bindings were painful these days, and my trousers weren’t fitting the way they should. My body was bursting out of my clothes like the hurt betraying my heart. Whatever love my parents once had was gone now. It had been gone for over a decade. All except the trickle I saw in my father now, the whisper of an affection hidden deep as the ocean floor.
“I don’t regret your mum. I truly don’t. Everybody deserves love, even if it won’t last. Even wanderers like you and me. Perhaps especially us.” He reached out and mussed my hair like I was a child. “Besides, I got you out of the deal.”
“She was a lady and you were an inexperienced merchant captain. It should never have happened in the first place.”
“These feelings hit stronger than you think. One day you’re going about your business, the next you’re staring at a woman like a sailor who’s seen his first lichen whale, glorious as the ocean itself. It can’t be helped. One day it will happen to you. All I ask is that you learn from my mistake. Make sure it happens with someone free to give you their entire heart. That boy Aden is most definitely not for you, and he can’t be trusted with your secrets.” He leaned forward. “Let’s agree that soon after you settle down in Ellegran, you’ll find a nice lord and forget about all of this.”
After I settle…“You don’t mean that.”
“Aye. ’Tis the right thing. You’ll be going ashore to live with your mum and have a safe, normal life.”
My face burned hot. “How could you still not know me at all? I don’t want to marry. I want to fight pirates and have adventures and speak every language there is.” My voice grew louder, but I didn’t care who overheard. “I don’t want to stitch pretty flowers. I want to repair giant sails to be filled with the sea wind. I don’t want to wake to the same home, the same life, every day. I know the risk of staying, and I accept it. The Edict isn’t what stands in my way. It’s you.”
I expected him to snap back at me and issue immediate punishment. But the expression on his face was even worse, as if I’d stabbed him in the gut.
A sailor whistled outside, a happy tune that sliced through the tension hanging heavy around us. Father glared at nothing for a long moment. I didn’t feel any better for my words, but I refused to take them back. I meant them all.
“I raised you to love all the same things I do,” he finally said, “and I can’t blame you for it. You may be right about the life of a lady. I can’t rightly say. But at least you’ll be safe in Ellegran.”
“The Nara you loved doesn’t exist anymore. There’s no future there for either of us. Don’t do this.” My voice betrayed an edge of panic as I pictured watching the Majesty sail away without me, my father along with it. It would be like separating a piece of myself.
“There’s no future for you here either, I’m afraid. Nara was my anchor and my north for a long time. I’d be pleased if you became much like her.”
I gritted my teeth, knowing that beneath his stern expression was stubbornness matched only by my own. The man’s ears had to be plugged with seaweed. “If she’s what it means to be a woman, I’ll be precisely the opposite.”
Father sighed and tried again. “I nearly lost you once.”
I stared at him, speechless. If he’d looked like an old man before, he looked ancient now. His very flesh seemed to sag. He’d borne this weight for a very long time.
“You were seven,” he whispered. “A crew member had suspicions about you. Instead of coming to me like the others had, he took shore leave in Hughen and went straight to the king’s guards.”
Like the others had. “You mean… more than one knew?”
“Over a dozen suspected, all told. They left soon afterward. Didn’t want to be implicated if you were discovered.” He shook his head. “Usually a little gold was enough to seal their tongues, but I suppose this man thought the king’s offering would be greater. He was right.”
I recalled how light that bag of gold had been in his secret chest. Horror gripped me until I could barely breathe. “You don’t give the men your share to be kind. It’s a bribe.”
“Most were smart enough to keep quiet. I figured paying the entire crew well would dissuade any bad ideas in the future. When I heard the inspectors were on their way, I sent you off with Paval to order supplies in Boghdale. They arrested me instead and searched the ship.”
I remembered now. Father had disappeared for an entire week. Dennis had told me he was away conducting business, but everyone was tense and tight-lipped about the whole affair. Then Father had returned, and we’d left within the day.
“What happened?” I asked softly.
“The hen farmer, Pahn, visited me in the dungeon and offered me a bargain. If I sold him the Majesty, he would use a portion of it to bribe the guards. I agreed. They dropped the charges and released me the next day. It took me six years to buy my ship back. It’s… expensive to halt tongues once they’ve started wagging.”
“That’s why you limit the crew to three years of service. So they won’t suspect my age.”
Father nodded, his eyes guarded.
Most of the crew had become family, but there was the occasional sailor who stopped talking when he spotted me nearby, or excluded me while playing cards, or hurried off the ship at leave so I couldn’t join him. I’d assumed they thought me likely to carry their gossip back to the captain. Apparently, it was far worse than that.
Some of the men even made the double cross sign on their chests while boarding. Had they been warding off Elena’s spirit… or my own?
All the hiding, the acting, even the lies. Thinking it meant something had been the biggest lie of all.
“Kemp knows too,” I said carefully.
“Aye, unfortunately.”
I openly gaped now. “He told you?”
“He wanted a position, not gold.” Father shifted his feet. A strange mixture of shame and anger crossed his face. I saw it now, the weariness in his very soul. He’d been the best father he could, but the lies had him bound and gagged.
It wears on a man’s soul, Aden had said. He was exactly right. I barely knew where Lane ended and Laney began. Did my father struggle with his own sense of identity? He loved his ship and crew, but how many secret conversations had he endured where money had exchanged hands? How many filthy men had discussed me in the darkness of the galley, whispering about the captain’s daughter, who paraded around like a fool? How many threats had my father taken from Kemp over the years? The full magnitude of my impossible dream hit me then. I hadn’t seen any of it—the suspicious crew, the gold. I’d dreamed of standing on that quarterdeck like Father did, delivering a soul-stirring speech that would lead us all to victory. But a captain needed a crew. It was clear now that no crew I’d ever known would serve under a woman. Even Elena’s crew had mostly been women. Now I saw why.
I could tell him about the cut foot line right now. I imagined Father stomping down to the crew’s quarters to confront the gun master himself, perhaps even with pistol drawn. He kept his weapon in the lockbox, loaded and ready. But a hard realization made me pause. Did I truly believe one confrontation would be the end of it, that Kemp was unarmed and unprepared? He’d whispered his lies in too many ears. Father’s authority was an unraveling line, slow and inevitable. My telling Father now would mean taking a knife to what remained. It would only bring Kemp’s mutiny upon us faster.
Deep down, something revolted at my silence. Was it Father’s power I protected now, or my own secret?
“I stole coins from the chest to pay Kemp,” I murmured. The rest came out in a rush. “From the crew too. He said he would tell them about me, and I knew that would cause an uprising, and if they arrested me at port, they’d also arrest you for harboring me, and I… I couldn’t let that happen.”
&nb
sp; “I suspected as much.”
A huge weight in my chest lightened. “You did?”
“Aye. Dennis wanted to have you disciplined, but I assumed you needed more wages for your… girl things.” He pressed his lips together. “No matter. When we arrive in Ellegran, you’ll be safely with your mum, Master Kempton will lose his hold on us both, and I can deal with the pirate threat without worrying for you.”
I flinched. “I don’t want to go.”
Father watched the emotions playing out in my expression. “I’ll miss you, my Laney, but it’s what my duty as your father demands. Your protection should have always come first. Now, I hear embroidery is a skilled art. Perhaps you can stitch me a landscape of the sea, full of beautiful Hughen blues and greens.”
I felt a door close on my soul. My time on the Majesty was truly finished.
There was only numbness. Aden the kind prince didn’t exist, nor did the untouchable captain I’d known my father to be. Not even the captain’s boy I’d tried so hard to become. Everything I’d believed felt insubstantial, like a heavy ocean mist. The only thing that was real for me was a woman I could barely remember in a land far away.
The businesslike captain was back. “I’m reassigning Aden to help Paval in the galley. You will return to your regular duties until then. A little distance will do you both good.”
I couldn’t muster the strength to protest. There was little I could do now—I wasn’t being sent away because my disguise had failed or I wasn’t brave or skilled. Our protections had simply run out, and captains often made hard decisions.
“Are you a pirate, Father?” I asked softly.
His expression fell, as if I’d placed a wagon’s load onto his shoulders. His gaze swept the maps littering the table, the trunks containing his belongings, the large window illuminating the room. He was no longer the stern ship’s captain, but a man in pain.
“People can change the world in all kinds of ways, my Laney. Sometimes we choose the wrong ones.”
There it was.
The news should have rocked me, but I just felt limp. Defeated. Now that I had the answer I’d so desperately craved, I felt as if my entire life had been laid bare, exposed under a harsh sun. I’d chased the answers so doggedly, I hadn’t considered how it would feel to receive a confirmation of what I already knew deep inside.
“Why did you keep this from me?” I whispered, not bothering to hide the tone of betrayal in my voice. “I would have understood. We could have faced it together. You’re my family.”
My father actually flinched, still staring at the floor. I hadn’t realized how much his admission would cost him. He’d aged years in the past ten minutes.
“Safety concerns, at first,” he admitted. “You were young. You already bore a secret no child should have to bear. I couldn’t place another on your shoulders, especially one so dangerous to us both. Ours is a world that refuses to spare anyone with pirate blood, young or not.” His gaze slid to the axes at my belt. “But later, a different concern arose.”
I gripped the handle of one of my axes and stared at him, a terrible realization descending like the darkness of night. “You thought I wanted to be a pirate.”
“Your obsession with Elena. That book you keep hidden and the way you fight with those axes Paval gave you.” There was a hard glint in his eyes. “Elena was a seasoned warrior, perhaps the best the world has ever seen. Even her path ended at death. I swore I would keep my secret until I knew you wouldn’t follow that same path.”
Every word felt like a slap to the face. He may as well have said it—he didn’t trust me. After eleven years together, my own father thought me a child, pushed about by the tides of an unpredictable sea.
He placed a calloused hand on my arm and squeezed it. “I’ve a lot to be sorry for, but I protected you the best I could. Your mother changed who I was, and then you changed the man I wanted to be. I wish—I wish you could stay.” He paused, swallowing hard. “Take a minute. I’ll get my own coffee.” He shoved the door open, and the sounds of singing sailors grew louder before cutting off at the sight of their captain. The door slammed behind him.
“Aye, sir,” I whispered into the silence.
I sat on a stool in the galley that afternoon, slowly stirring the broth in my bowl. It had long since gone cold. The galley conversation was the same as always, involving conquests with enemies and women and everything in between. Most of these sailors had covered the same topics long before I’d set foot on the Majesty, and they would continue to do the same long after I was gone.
Did pirates also discuss such things? Did they lead the same lives as sailors, different only in their purpose? I wanted it to be so, if only to reconcile the two warring images of Father in my mind. My peaceful father, a pirate. My mind still rejected the idea, no matter how deeply I knew it was true.
“Tell that war story again,” Barrie said to Aden. “The one about the two giants? I don’t think Marley has heard it yet.” Barrie sat too rigid, obviously in pain, although he could tolerate a shirt now. Dots of blood stained the back where the occasional scab had broken open. He looked at Aden as if he was… well, a prince.
Marley muttered into his ale in response, but his eyes were as bright as the other men’s. Every sailor loved yarns of battles won, of good triumphing over evil. Did pirates consider themselves the good or the evil? Had Garrow the pirate thought himself a murderer, or had he even cared?
Aden pressed his lips together, scowling at his food. “Maybe tonight, after watch.”
As Barrie grumbled, I examined the prince. Kemp and his fellow countrymen had glared at him as they grabbed their food and retreated to the crew’s quarters to eat. Kemp was planning something, and he was being far from subtle about it.
The Hughens and Ellegrans, however, had suddenly accepted Aden as one of their own, questioning him about his military service and the challengers he’d defeated. He gave minimal answers and turned the conversation to safer topics, but the men always guided it back. This mysterious boy, skilled with a weapon yet unscarred, had managed to command their respect.
I’d been so concerned about Aden fitting in with the crew that I hadn’t thought about what it would all mean—that a lying prince was welcome where I could never be.
I realized I was staring at Aden and turned back to my bowl. In just over a week, Aden would leave for his quest and Father would send me away forever. Once I sold Aden’s buttons, I’d have just enough for passage somewhere. But where?
The opposite direction of Aden, I thought wryly. Wherever that may be. He had ignored me since our discussion in the nest. He was probably probing the men, looking for another loyal companion to accompany him on his mission. Aden could never desire me as a man desired a woman. He wanted a friend, and he’d find plenty of those willing to accompany him. And as for the other thing… well, he’d find plenty of eligible ladies willing to serve him in that way too.
The thought made me grimace. I stood to scrape my bowl clean and headed for the stairs. I needed a moment alone. A lifetime, if possible.
The captain’s cabin was empty. I knelt beside my chest and lifted the lid, catching sight of my scabbard and axes tucked away near the top. After Father’s words, I hadn’t been able to put them on this morning. I couldn’t even remember when I’d last practiced.
I found the book next to my stash of gold pieces. I tucked it under my shirt, then closed the lid and hurried outside to the steps. I managed to sneak down to the hold and settled back against a pile of bags filled with cornmeal.
I found what I was looking for quickly. In this image of Elena, she was very much alive, her long hair swept back into a tail, vest unadorned and trousers stained. Unlike the illustration of her death, this was a commissioned portrait. She held her axe in one hand and formed a fist with the other, looking off to the side with a scowl. Witnesses said she rarely smiled. In this case, at least, I understood why. Standing still in such a manner must have grated on a woman with so much busine
ss to attend to. When there was a wide world out there for the taking, what did a portrait matter?
I took a long, deep breath. Maybe Father was right about my obsession with Elena. But admiring her didn’t mean I wanted to become a filthy pirate. If Father didn’t know me well enough for that, maybe it was better that he send me away.
Something creaked, and my heart leaped into action as boots appeared on the ladder. I shut the book and tucked it behind me. But it was just Paval, his long dark hair swinging with each step.
I mentally kicked myself. No matter how I hid it, the girl part of me burst out when I least wanted her to. Aden wasn’t coming, and that was fine by me.
“You need help cleaning up?” I asked.
“Nay. Aden’ll take care of it.”
I caught the scent of coffee as Paval crossed the room and sat himself down next to me. The bag looked smashed beneath his weight. “I came to speak to you. You’re looking right sad these days.”
“I can’t imagine why. Maybe the fact that my father has lied to me my entire life, and he’s forcing me off the ship when we arrive so I don’t get killed by an old pirate enemy bent on revenge?”
He only nodded. “He finally told you about his past. Good for him. Going to live with your mum, then? I figured it would be time soon.”
I groaned and put my face in my hands. “Don’t tell me you agree with him.”
“Of course. Your safety matters more than anything else.”
I slumped. Paval had kept my secret for years, but he was also a friend. A mentor. He’d taught me axe fighting against Father’s wishes and told me stories I should have heard much earlier. I’d assumed he would be on my side. “How could you keep quiet about Father being a pirate? If anyone had the right to know, it was me. I’m his daughter. All this time, I thought I was…”
“Fooling everyone?”
“A competent sailor. A person with a place in the world. A good child.”
He raised a thick black eyebrow. “You’re still all those things, pirate blood or not. Nothing has changed except how you see yourself.”