865028631004154979721456084374700652323161297398388983040812643937234897398031836957412772113510310999669448491444207521549084931043867883666899871490807936916547283457029085449734088097986062693602312896682090813121185793410052445290215062523046622729690456170633959834046549536338281270272511186691553826095291674800094880298479218830469453036321280201815226517803973223433342350242421536086966728116290247361290926745504866073329675091416963058385354013828893717081185879644253109928020412559529521629235858034454730888487228165557171020795745881463603286057791698486368701755919527913007990594954741513834230649119957581841654941175156065335857815060838171125345890542828762204211449573468181425545459278685107317395447043490683617846898079767209214786333182693409243127750837505868231909003246160872878948725004416366811897608246327440138425797735680367477441017618068535272551456501228591692122245768962318493373000670239332018549174226391874738329254626767260721403017233376641415582254086645098549785750269236753394327359363356767846798556791196168892539304677949165953379921789578912054377281857397929720067112394002101014956123611443031336551019566751964141941308315107164061941690794030677197280360742066833248627114939154291132538363455812471593475376951316317751148271658329570571012030977736772775511127867665329506628975154661436657305137997984936441272389921448537230224654042979923132798360153186241657780916326564554990386185651271213021194934297522235383888315941122104263964556228583196984126873191719502706785462976009017484893553722613710886754824681687600513917335936676945178620269969218489944591259941179694809465928588886573145916811532003358002185653815097418985728618902823153837680942264112117762948732069479096626876360155323562491678452006783087165805898126557654011413733717997663465515231795494654869199876320675216071306153312964345315929920637340487996707691589824861622106540125687813886562292605439267530993491338856352037563371342264184011374196611177982921488314469236866973943043235614220315102186046608283704230755819708112337556959861159370737088784087917986029167371640660105839251417497699035766014085491672892852980750735666169556307682682932857077462502895872678098733277213865322631295865622495828329727835589241716433795310766333836444337492474824600968114528211035981311687734925844410668975446460795764232725634578106033795558470313626405
189456081433323947380856147372001137330575956857584734418884989687070384582378363708551323080478538362669137803904410516534872497166958891895733476696506555571576572477612277219818319714149078926423529883429662709622562431558283301949392234497567191000428734585410339742505921388319057600255674294042936346081659674999585772343934125989157778569800316333087308029412177253265038746352325439133394727892792164060585604199514684409508320274499711635153138196177483764131598355363598785014541418489994525697371413608785787425323064301455905209849561950891487977890022298409500174760419587768182032044317261371016923673038224876442890084941158984353202726753811528368764239296620461951787335238337375434430095865237931270284822896734274459128001279893164868496727493059038680686619272977842730354594725692678628078446024708561427074524595232866962766230125363408108938348065713172289097173156317933729881627183510989359744839682832564653481444614560816533705686938381767467186177464835652022832496716079376466848260238268395277545932619856480304243023943501794682821764595334957676394776454220587810679210027159745043346847558753325817800956244237919198945485305437833123754233277559955890180279916357679111194810428374013147694861237580980377555993660457598955317092755631495244958058349778978459752552197223568062191361139496714818240337018886061535606833448118987258649553813914181991352452002103664538542419176919937058329155568780489133763272414853726549550523216802520516999686454734277769071385795229720172671983195127938792659674882011557109427118261014839140323776159708632361672593988910125470913957708823957716473933308693833127305728970213496583472559784221705797156610880246792100755551416759716211327116752935557149051489511043180940746132368605560946084419664468525612289013299854023228284913101838734155724446576149759581014064325380580894972531900787090260110389120452648612346621021844402893217586257773423696931318578694317327612491065319812903798589569477734504572024161006052887096801934130559279333887
318854778574987216769051942436049427948222929830711444342079955117357884417183748559012427061837700203049638497513785795318184810817013383409523391326725576411492235667012962459330631890603593872617876377113589767629947929714246798746499949544425224267557106387395263853315456534025118526953107886480243663446519397606137253142598857641549282861091517323787567117409022522071984146118214979849474691329084348083124110416123533046707999614928751750596292742241984893585820057783574962353893206356510367726490049055143487916915055279518202342769768567177147346604433642556703383177269667796353315637896387020176263611763551176330205074353670620124505790007183735317206266559540003715209281042236319125747218687563158897498614674099120046983374797215911116613704719074342627989828684772952830981968525777850492838680557157111125445305271178558298976623745910374681281375392856176492986428296828649052676111576975741146584928169323889189643567709538066961378436665681449075094984664192501216902827245375031079738028733233383868195302561319450706187737073132046591057171925338626633576028357755203125049441904956378451979810398077170943158890670785623529216965118751555303976335498024674426548388872733747737164981463492731254976485133037882490590464690931202352993719501161632577971646431416504412285858725992256349452322404279631765558699987124935134208336952167743386253198859519318453325476666654956657575701776833126791018786185077445048785491346138692424546826698178884434518195224674615831278837238654588743836885018467156121754568747896965936165949078725214564077780881579075040694700152908183339650791164839457024386087372979711345181875035389470516689349030405278020378738448361377455182686372263318449187374413353325182664399001783484383474674199256473636173438963116375629997879928038773733307536242413538833627199446142125670659795090662084071823790354061909940754983491415477337037348525698531754971921449222115339873088040037527822454563615461514196688650324216925128918275740972220326440330380783642297033223912618852365939579169890770291142513857378632433272584987237257363079778731988396413857549876475374596035027985753683301799
35054204235716288451110867293208956279093247509982370953387842087071468253774689948258810428776742649479598554141401622107985875142695276548956464670829504976370364982798774140387910387425419788958262687894108464497581442366187125398231821308496188676365919405675139148285472743699898883964274999898171119715435362464804817091552423379496373143257146689261826456469642713117247703588550777255710343112115089842579719804494416062709561326307088886142197260871212581396157560253984280640685638611869572224223936904853803182062629184698272132134646773349699520201451029963565144524988309780064087715323956823622377934525376744354858961933685272379974033877268714581567007932802291513093675040833627617038217538481586517852775374512745719888950655809965284837383837977820124304148341339216968655859961302528393482206436925874095506046594650955968133696907960388233974075597415898652636325067197765216680334522419520959689733375817699216138668994262482608107339346546338377886195407849557304947418361152910081669794762130490023030808260249487799892054259644541204021883070008346407845565219280179744732675737313047448471480973285856027843737400583679435508714425996750288586657468178884709190963602285642345985401147569652302909109354233737537112872338832732054796298967022194137313684308322011768658974151305593197332268771497431619072909898773969459115419181645263028654642538573483817975104662898399927833749542959984156179731718289507542644116738313212598562704054719854918491228539741249847987117359047466074415711649835598415074283996316363255711218045848485829126592942834677864463482639755971715596835688740848313504986443629862698494756436632036980256414883325415387206666105449266738158306392350037376644173301203388804494832280454041128896091326218466912975762841288347499787400611457166257543802748456677185578925864023341644127226953726582688739805128895584787793408093369750556128569799133
261717739064763033964567161603534963545123647196522123375334189318788909496297935339764218978401824642724232444154113701080441214963362936163570528634974234423775526172780629291464512563362609274899042305848112364302118023159977959377847269446287226514729613417774138731027180761733883409529060213450830716390267189796129511524592419165565703848490056894139940321621943821446996551925279278143834287427746397956162512883143924315352793901268215771846758
1449324438455114497094788670288688078162318507327972068553657577932691651646992803936759246130559239751848315492933498109542559786317766409873549869815051498200307318371139533909815472693656895369463058247475144802525858007349335109505905677773035131252929096293126224151570335837734588389059926214681434986021675944686524743180313225976765581036561858778130762201918409467332314456430789863326258188628201094741443582310113931509252221447641694027151166541085430393144453372472733507709566452971863924423441651628114848606854285138283163367392078876584564706513417756644430517538030226086694273568242586617175455056061023236373835588162845375114503092629383619358396855097756203049966724278090905836631264651415003610827622496786440155561229014333529296430665472129214818144852216555196241836422822659884732041970421529760570806401623788266892928312446577301145929783045107539741584666126684456694336530968997420257547763233097579617348413681505158601913175012358911166860662818163107163805367943667231101592901439960642753301684597071411019748664905424302196161959583098741850889044178467473746954487721973738262850067101606041167569629049137468593698018732989337965759193440112550012508150872027287310832917365561230594340970624761103459193351361244229403833328602805806169228103380506678392716753984651160630844882751468712441858935248305163088540940075140845901269847987363156576643771443093530913157225982261564259693526009463454154890631698394041492229355092778733451460728871991742712275773183733768173796972362674317798469970345812714615027653638380766479239886610963228295958483782426
75536371320096828346619280521433947203874237468734444351721731321680590724224961072914116923136644027252076731515664709930627990733294812675967295927381871786624027574746504383776730155456181649885829578497425061772339287591857693838192078923930128877090916907828194463265842946548721487524994212280581555890917387089033722666531223259327097828237236064637244377113397615472294744421845327684147255837983568447448002214140260260545411311976623080321575260858571735750462564691965816703146237069525596972912859331033710901685778466855860683812714604125667805097211420939462088138015934712478963143696269566768532032298878886482024095470776756105889131292056275799644484118417313624134424001504303338923608312324650497100164876029717938637269765158059482260457781275077416206456015471754585182722692368824804092112736515767833586226138701842479739647958905665871315584115486699650567130231226917814529903263325667915069106687985084297911603491577048236066554277546943712420373117985495381617512477170224992713095821170261653719822356149244939386244970527639561321727139332336219517762047636643964734071166814415985433875236381888759716748564970442869551684495216597045891543931376176850514313440863735252586424714276012358665689546511323448928561851890768114655337220995333566769056786380933755121296002375980450088462419224706134576045788089405648187120503162569526052063755884269954994339767702120961283460272602415532124267888809296927287916870836897844957069530632565097895978071678557869624194112832555362646706195089687941074578605017382311873545528777891983180515527963866636722479556534823671297425011560685727859521283498474983408104486338978971474272118858182978911849570678892949832284942011073627411294717967482211174311146149137061124912654764381305726179610427578335448586641794721261209868813890305722893884183721327340384835472347006682900575643501789564782368054311434008835710028529816373667206896881736955787235990938956637835164146062216575523989267015955471344122946689253978015968440514648410266937829434268368242992870586453615401894835332143377340556816113262359702439561627013431433492353026860295947799535403472793298087862189017243918672336816095653744301770344498908482880212768078893765571632362611687488577297709565839038182538775812536365922789996479302166032286775561647839754728007592699791919144494996003920510168465709513042273814255032912393514656836481478556706223932783158520509709167213187877887677626971779676299556959873350897439457637480265524572359453796449676946216455622973728732932391114641868963769992957819332399840408133623954944406713169524538285134172740327876792917116316955500748369335539603191862724117736808828989434596657156174998932717362474781248039563548044165103895267611941822736641830669047201352416681580174171253200259737316659887823791185975585517418806133055684944894486826315222615061536593743805574035738934974419933488944183892336419622727340519054321816318982352494168655262586574500780415926562721796902997447086362348647921086158298829791953626918372087966771177478221628035618893843317608437987016637128590607
Bree won again and made Mark sing along to the cellphone ring tone version of Alanis Morissette's "Hand in My Pocket."
. . .
Greg didn't answer his phone. Just after I hung up, Dad called. "Your mother's left me for some crazed dyke."
"What?"
"You heard me. I've been ditched for Fred Flintstone's fetus."
"Dad, are you drinking rum and Gatorade on the living-room couch with the lights off?"
He was.
"Dad, she hasn't even known the woman for fifteen minutes. She probably went out to buy groceries and you're misinterpreting it,"
"She left a note."
"She did?"
"Dear fim, I need the passion and intimacy that only a woman can bring to my life's journey. Please don't judge me harshly. And don't forget that tonight the seedlings need their root booster growth formula."
"I'll be right over."
When I got there, Dad was in the living room, lights out, in the process of switching from orange to green Gatorade, but there were no labels on the plastic bottles. "Dad, where are the labels on the Gatorade botdes?"
"I may be pissed to the gills, but there's no way I'm going to pay full retail when I can get bulk powder at Costco."
"Jesus, Dad—are you cheap in your dreams at night, too?"
I looked at Mom's note, blotched with damp spots from melted ice cubes. A dismal and baroque scene. I'd just sat down on the sofa beside Dad when Ellen, the stalker of yore, scampered across the lawn, wearing a bright pink Gore-Tex pantsuit and shaking spruce needles off her purse.
"Just tell that pesky bitch to take a hike," Dad said.
I went to the front door and called, "Ellen, we saw you."
Her head popped out from behind an azalea.
"Ellen, today's not a good day for stalking. Dad's really depressed about something, and whatever you're up to, today's just not the day."
"Oh. Okay. I'll come back tomorrow."
"Thanks, Ellen."
I came back inside. "Did Mom say where she's staying, Dad?"
"No."
"Any phone number?"
"No."
"Did she pack a bag?"
"Nope."
I was mentally scrolling through all of Mom's infatuations, living and dead, all of whom Dad was clueless about. "If she didn't pack a bag, how long can she be planning to be away? Relax."
Dad was inconsolable. "She's been so pure and trusting all these years—and me bopping every little crumpet I share a gig with." He gulped a few shooters, then passed out, leaving me with the job of tracking down Mom. I phoned John Doe. "Hi, John."
"Hi, Ethan. What's up?"
"John, I need to track down my mom, and I think she's visiting your mother's place. Something about fertilizers."
Silence.
"John?"
More silence.
"John?"
"Oh dear."
"Why are you saying Oh dear?"
"I've seen this happen many a time, Ethan. You might as well accept the fact that you're soon to be my stepbrother."
"What?"
"Ethan, once my mother strikes, she becomes an irresistible force. Your mother is powerless. Oh dear, oh dear."
I faked naivete. "You're nuts. She's simply getting information on boron phosphate hydroponic fertilizers."
John sighed.
"Where does your mother live? I've got to go see my mother, or my father's going to pop a vessel," I finally admitted.
John gave me an address up the coast, at the end of a one-hour ferry ride. "Ethan, I'm coming with you. You'll see why when we get there."
The ferry was almost empty. We thought we'd try to get some work done at sea, but instead we bought Sunshine Burgers and slept in the car on the car deck. We were honked awake by the ferry's bullhorn.
&nbs
p; The drive up the coast was glorious: ferns, massive cedars, a sparkling sea flecked with eagles and seagulls. I noticed that John, however, was clenching his fists. "Uh, John, what should I be expecting here?"
"I don't want to colour your perceptions, Ethan."
"Jesus, John. What are we driving into—Planet of the Apes?"
"Just don't try to give a clever answer on any topic at all. Any."
"Come on."
"I didn't change my name and identity for nothing, Ethan."
We forked off the highway onto a secondary road, and from there onto a tertiary road, and from there onto a quaternary road, finally ending up on a weedy, overgrown lane, which went on for a half-mile through an alder forest and ended in a small cul-de-sac covered with mulched bark chips. At its end stood a chain-smoking dwarf clad in purple nylon, her ears aglint with silver rings. She saw John coming.
"Oh, it's your
"Hello, Yarrow."
"Who's that?"
"That's Ethan."
"You're gay? Finally some good news from you."
"Not gay. Just here to see Mother."
"Right."
We passed the enchanting Yarrow and headed towards the house, a hundred-year-old dump sheathed in long grey planks, the structure beginning to sag into itself, and decorated with a collection of colourful nylon vaginal motif banners. What had once been the lawn was a tangled meadow. Trees didn't look so much naturalized as they did homeless.
JPod Page 32