Bride Doll

by Elizabeth Nancy Jansen

  Nia could feel the tentative grip of her father on one side and the vicarious glory of her mother, once again, proceeding down the aisle, savouring the experience as her own. Recognizing her mother’s desire, Nia willingly shared her stage.

  Nia did love this man. She walked down the aisle, this time without hesitation. It all felt right (at the time). After all, Fernando was easy to love and understood the idea of freely giving love.

  Fernando believed Nia’s affection and nurturing toward him was seamless, especially after their weeks of separation. The real cherry on the cake for him, though, was the love that existed around them: her love for him, her children’s love of his family, and their mutual love for Nia’s. Nia and Maria fit like a right hand to a left hand. They loved each other and respected each other, given that they shared the same core values. Maria and Carlos didn’t take issue with Nia being a divorcee with two children, marrying the first son of a traditional Portuguese family.

  To Nia, Fernando was atypical; he didn’t have any residual emotional baggage from previous relationships, nor did he have any children. He seemed like a clean slate. At the beginning of their relationship, Nia found it interesting to have a man who was almost forty and had never lived outside of his mother’s hearth. Nia’s naïveté at the time of her wedding precluded her later wisdom that his state of emotional maturity or manhood beyond self would never change.

  Chapter 33

  Apgar of One

  As their life together progressed, Nia deeply wanted to have a child with Fernando. Intuitively, Nia realized she had an abundance of love to give and wanted nothing more than to be a mother again. Within their first year of marriage, she was pregnant.

  On September 4, 1992, Nia was chairing a high-level meeting at the Faculty of Medicine. Nia had been very happy earlier in the day; it was the first day of her wearing a maternity skirt and fashionable white blouse. She thought she looked pretty hot for a pregnant lady.

  Nia desperately tried to stay focused and in command of the agenda at hand. But the day took a dramatic shift south. She started to feel low back discomfort that quickly grew into an ache and then pain that she couldn’t ignore. Shifting her body repeatedly in the chair at the head of the boardroom table gave her no relief.

  When the meeting adjourned, Nia proceeded quickly to her car to drive homeward. She felt she was on automatic pilot driving home.

  The pain came in waves, and at the height of each wave, she felt her abdomen writhe. She was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on what seemed to be an endless ride home. She couldn’t focus on anything other than the pain to be able to navigate to a different route. Dread filled her as she contemplated the inevitable grievous turn of events. She finally got to her driveway and could see that the pool closing crew was just leaving. Nia was too distraught to deal with pool issues and simply excused herself to go inside.

  A brief moment of relief washed over Nia when Aviana and Andrew were home from school to greet her. All she needed at that moment was to hug them to feel secure and regain her strength and fortitude to deal with what was transpiring. No words were exchanged; both children instinctively knew their mother was suffering, and they needed to rally around her. Aviana led Nia to her bedroom—she was grateful to lie down—and then took control of the situation by calling Fernando to tell him he needed to come home immediately. Andrew didn’t leave her side the entire time.

  Nia closed her eyes and rolled from side to side, unable to find a place of comfort to rest. She couldn’t drink the cup of tea Aviana brought her, nor could she manage the words to say thank you to her children.

  Aviana and Andrew kissed and hugged their mother; both had tears in their eyes as they said their quick goodbyes and got into their father’s van. Nia felt some relief in knowing they’d be ok while she attempted to deal with this cruel hand of life.

  Fernando arrived with a deep look of fear in his eyes. The seemingly long drive to the hospital was without words, but their hands remained tightly interlocked as Nia’s pain amplified.

  The silence lingered even as Nia guardedly and bravely exited the car. They headed directly to the third floor of the hospital—the maternity ward. Her two previous trips to this destination were joyous, not with the weight of foreboding sadness.

  Fernando spoke to one nurse while another led Nia to a private room at the very end of the long hallway and helped her out of her pretty clothes. Warmed blankets were placed on her back as she laid on her side; Nia knew she was in full-blown labour.

  Fernando came into the room, still in his business suit. To Nia, he looked so handsome, despite the nightmare they were living. Given the pain, she tried to muster a smile to show her connection to him and her intent to find courage.

  Dr. Caner of the neonatal unit came into the room. His eyes told her the outcome before he had a chance to say the words, “Your baby is too young to survive. You will deliver this baby soon, and we will not resuscitate or do anything other than to make you and your child comfortable.”

  Tears from her heart and soul streamed down Nia’s face. The doctor squeezed Nia’s hand to give more of the needed strength to endure this implausible journey. She was unable to speak, so she silently shook her head when he asked if she had any questions. There was no reason to beg and plead for the survival of her baby; the absolute medical decision had been made.

  While labouring in the hospital bed, waiting for the inevitable loss of her baby, Nia reflected on what actually happened to create that horrible situation. Two months prior, she and Fernando were enjoying a beautiful summer day of gaiety at an outdoor family gathering. The sun was warm, and the food, music, and conversation were at their best. That evening, Fernando and Nia celebrated the day with torrid sex, essentially forgetting about the small life growing within her. The next morning, she awoke happy, giving herself a typical morning stretch. While stretching her sore body, Nia felt a tremendous burst from within. Immediately, blood-tinged sanguineous fluid seeped from between her legs.

  The phrase “premature rupture of the amniotic sac” haunted her from that moment on. The attending obstetrician had offered a D&C, but Nia refused, hoping for a miracle despite the catastrophe. Eight weeks later, the consequence of their rapture unfolded.

  Once the baby’s head was engaged in the birth canal, the delivery was quick. With her guilt-ridden thoughts swirling in her head, all that Nia heard was “Apgar of one.”

  A nurse handed the tiny, pink babe to Nia—a beautiful baby boy. His head moved gently to and fro as he found comfort settling into the palms of her hands. Nia felt his faint cry in the depths of her soul as she put her face to his and felt his thin, translucent skin. She kissed his tiny, perfectly formed body. His face had a strong likeness to his father’s. The short-lived sweetness of his baby smell and taste preceded the wetness and saltiness of her outpouring grief. Despite the sorrow, Nia had the mindfulness to use her own tears as the holiest of water to baptize her son with the name David.

  In a short time, his tiny crying noises turned to an even fainter whimper, while his colour changed from pinkish to a deeper blue as his last breath faded forever.

  Nia’s heart wrenched; sobbing engulfed the room. An hour passed, and a somber nurse appeared with a tiny basket. She gently took the baby from Nia’s hands, wrapped him in a small white cloth, and placed him in the basket. After one final kiss, he was gone forever.

  Fernando couldn’t bear the situation for another second. This tragedy was bigger than him. He knew he couldn’t possibly help Nia when he was emotionally gasping himself, so he left her alone in the silent, sterile room.

  Such a brief time of being. Was it worth the immense pain and heartbreak? Absolutely, was her unshakable answer to herself. She didn’t regret trying to hold on to the pregnancy. She put it in God’s hands, albeit hoping for a different outcome. Nia was not angry with God, the NICU doctor, Fernando, or herself; anger had no place in her grieving heart.

  Nia had rightly or wrongly realized her little
boy travelled his whole lifetime in five minutes. In that time, David felt his mother’s great love for him by the warm touch of her lips as she tenderly and repeatedly kissed him. While he just fit in the palm of her hands, his tiny 252-gram body looked every bit like a newborn with ten little fingers and ten little toes. He felt the warm tears splash on his tiny chest. Nia imagined that they must’ve felt like sea waves on his small body. Despite this, David’s spirit rallied with all its might to breathe and reach for his mother’s face so warm and wet with grief.

  Even though her heart was aching, Nia had no regrets. Nia, then and thereafter, cherished this birth and the humanity of a mother and her child, no matter the duration of their physical time together. Nia knew her baby suffered a catastrophe in her womb and struggled to survive as long as he possibly could. David had a natural birth and death. He travelled from fetus to babe, from young human being to old, in one brief interval of time.

  Nia knew David’s life would never be forgotten. She found peace in knowing his life mattered, and he fought a good fight. Only five minutes can be a precious lifetime to be treasured—never misplaced or forgotten. Despite her son only having an Apgar of one (ten being fully viable), Nia felt gifted by the life experience of gratitude, grace, and peace he brought to her.

  Monique and Flynn never heard of David’s birth. Fernando downplayed the whole event to his parents: “Nia had a miscarriage. She’s fine.” The strong undertone of his message was not to mention it again.

  Chapter 34

  Nia Gives Birth Again

  By some absolute miracle, one year later, Nia and Fernando had a beautiful baby girl. Nia breathed a huge sigh of relief when she heard her baby cry, immediately followed by “Apgar of ten.”

  Their baby girl was truly exquisite. Nia and Fernando were over the moon with delight, as were the grandparents, Maria and Carlos. Aviana was thrilled to call her Grandma Monique and her Papa Flynn and tell them they had another granddaughter named Isabella. Monique and Flynn were happy about the birth and pleased to have been spared the worry of the pregnancy.

  Isabella was such a happy baby. She quickly became the little entertainer of the family with every cute thing she would do: from blowing little spit bubbles while she peacefully slept to smiling at her big brother Andrew while he made funny faces. Aviana was always singing to her little sister. It seemed like such a long time since joy and harmony existed under their roof.

  Despite all of the wonderful family love and attention, Isabella’s favourite person was her Mommy. She seemed to glow more in her mother’s arms while suckling her breast.

  Nia loved that special time, too. Breastfeeding her babies was one of the most wonderful things about motherhood. Feeding her babies was never a burden to Nia.

  Isabella quickly found her place in a very busy household, and everything was marvellous for two years. Fernando was finally living at ease. His parents were overjoyed with their new granddaughter and made a point of visiting her every day. Maria always brought a meal, which gratified Fernando’s belly. His family was thrilled doing what they all loved to do best, and that was to hang out together.

  Chapter 35

  Nia Has Another Boy

  Doing nothing to prevent another pregnancy, Nia was pregnant again at age forty-one and delivered a beautiful baby boy, Mika, in October of 1995. This pregnancy was by far her easiest one, as was the delivery. “Apgar of ten” was conveyed immediately by the obstetrician, and Nia breathed another huge sigh of relief.

  By his first birthday, Nia intuitively knew something was seriously wrong with her Mika. He was walking very well; in fact, he ran very fast for one so young.

  Mika was a great eater, which seemed to be Maria’s measure that all was right with her grandson. (Her benchmark was, of course, her Fernando.) Verbalizations weren’t a requirement for Maria. After all, he was a boy. “Boys talk later. He has an older sister who speaks for him,” Maria would respond to anyone that questioned Mika’s lack of verbalizations.

  “Mika’s motor skills are so advanced. His communication skills will certainly catch up,” the family doctor told Nia at one of their appointments.

  Despite trying not to overreact to this unusual lack of developmental progress for her fourth surviving baby, she could not shake the doctor’s or her family’s under-reaction. Nia decided to wait until Mika was two years old; if he wasn’t talking by then, she would insist on referrals to specialists.

  “One, two, three, four, ….. fifty”. Ten minutes had passed, and Nia counted the times her beautiful two-year-old had banged his head into the wall. She was desperately trying to get ready for work, intuitively knowing it is not normal behavior for a two-year-old to bang his head into a wall.

  The day of reckoning came. Mika was scheduled to meet with Dr. Hare, a paediatric developmental delay specialist, that afternoon. Fernando picked Nia up from work and then collected their two-year-old at daycare. It had been another difficult day; Mika had bitten a little boy named Jake. The bite was severe; the skin was broken and bleeding profusely. The daycare staff told Nia and Fernando they would be meeting with Jake’s parents, and it would be determined if Mika could return.

  Nia fretted more about Mika’s behaviour as they waited for the doctor. Thankfully, they didn’t have to wait long to be called into Dr. Hare’s office. The room was large, and he sat behind an executive-style desk with a whole wall of books behind him. He also had several framed black and white pictures of a beautiful woman Nia presumed to be his wife. Nia could feel her impatience rearing its ugly head when she caught herself thinking, Who cares about the personal side of this man when my son’s well-being is at stake?

  Dr. Hare had given no direction as to how the appointment would proceed. It was a painful twenty-minutes—no words were spoken. The white-haired, heavyset man in a bleak grey suit followed the aimless motions of Mika. Nia and Fernando both fidgeted in their respective chairs, wondering if it was their child’s behaviour the doctor was observing or the parents.

  Mika moved from toy to toy, not really playing with any of them. He didn’t seek to sit on Nia’s lap. He repeatedly climbed up and down the ramp attached to a traditional doctor’s examining table. Not once did Mika use it like a slide in the park. The observation process felt like a scream in silence.

  Finally, the highly recommended doctor spoke, “Does he demonstrate any ritualistic behaviours?”

  What the hell does that mean? The prolonged silence left both parents feeling somewhat dumbfounded about what the doctor was looking for.

  “Well, I can guarantee one of two things for this boy; he’s either entirely normal or profoundly mentally disabled,” Dr. Hare said flatly.

  Devastation simultaneously pierced Nia and Fernando’s hearts. They knew their son wasn’t “entirely normal.” They left the doctor’s office heartbroken, with an appointment for the following year.

  Nia tenderly put Mika into his car seat. They drove to Fernando’s parents’ house to drop him off for the remainder of the day.

  Nia stayed in the car, knowing she wouldn’t be able to hold it together. Fernando gave his mother his cold stare, meaning don’t ask me any questions. He returned to the car finding Nia looking lost and afraid. Fernando took a deep breath and put the car in reverse.

  Predictably, Fernando’s anguish burst. Nia hadn’t seen her husband emote since the death of their firstborn. The 99.9% stoic man was crumbling before her. She once again needed to reel in her own anguish to try to comfort the man she loved. Nia watched in silence as his tears flowed steadily, like a faucet running, unable to turn off. The heaving of his chest and the redness of his face looked like he was going to implode.

  The long drive back to her work was eerily silent and didn’t change when they arrived. Fernando stopped the car, Nia stepped out, and he drove away. Nia waited until he was out of sight before she walked over to a remote part of the parking lot and broke down in utter anguish.

  That experience was the first time Nia needed a coping s
trategy to deal with the degree of pain. Her go-to solution was an urgency to numb. After work, she hit the liquor store to get her fix.

  That night, the couple went through the regular motions of the night; neither able to bring themselves to discuss their new reality. Nia didn’t feel the need to say to her husband, “See? I was right. There is something seriously wrong with our son.” Nia was content with her choice of survival, as her only escape seemed to be numbing. And so, she began dosing herself in small portions of poison—white wine.

  Chapter 36

  Autism

  When Mika was three and a half, the family doctor finally heeded Nia’s demands for a second opinion and referred him to Sick Children’s Hospital in Toronto to see a highly recommended Developmental Specialist. Nia needed some resolution, to have a diagnosis to steer them in a treatment direction, to move forward, but Fernando was irritated to have to take a day off work to drive to Toronto.

  Although the day was a frigid, windy February afternoon, it was sunny and warm in the car. Mika fussed in his car seat and kept kicking the back of his dad’s chair. Fernando was predictably irked, as had become the common state of his demeanour.

  Nia prayed she wouldn’t have to deal with her husband’s anger at everyone and everything. The drive wasn’t lending to her hopes—they endured two long hours of his road rage to get to the hospital.

  As Nia collected her bag to get ready to get out of the car, Fernando barked, “Not yet. You need to come with me to find a parking spot.”

  “Yeah, but it looks like we won’t find one close to the entrance. Just let me out. Mika and I will wait for you in the lobby,” Nia requested.

  “NO!” Fernando’s response showed his complete lack of empathy. He continued to drive round and round, side street after side street, until finally finding an available spot in a parking lot one kilometre from the hospital.

  Mika, quite disheveled in his car seat, was hot, tired, and seemed to also be at his wit’s end for having to deal with his dad’s temper tantrum.