by Nina Lincoln
I don’t have many places to go, so I end up at the coffee shop around the corner more often than not.
It’s New Year’s Eve, and everyone’s out partying. I’ve been huddled in a seat at the shop, avoiding the employees’ expectant stares, but I know I can’t avoid it forever and leave just as they’re locking the door.
With a sigh, I head toward home, hoping Max isn’t there, because my parents went out with their friends, but when I see the lights on in the house, I keep going. Because I have nowhere else to go, I walk down the path behind Griffin’s property until I’m at the tree house, climbing the ladder tiredly and collapsing inside.
The Hathaway house is lit up, I presume because they’re having another party, and briefly, I wonder where Griffin is before discarding the thought because it doesn’t matter what he’s doing, even if I’m hiding inside his damn tree house.
After a while of gazing at the stars, I pass into a light sleep, only waking when I hear rustling, and Griffin’s head appears in the opening.
“Halsey,” he says in surprise, and I smile wanly, giving him a little wave.
He clears his throat, his raspy tone sending a shiver down my spine. “What are you doing here?”
“I don’t know,” I say, turning back to the sky.
“Hm.” With a slight rustle, he settles beside me, and we gaze at the same stars.
Does he remember when we used to do this? Does he care?
For a while, it’s quiet, and I feel for the first time in a while that it’s right. Maybe it’s all a facade, maybe tomorrow we’ll wake up hating each other again, but right now, it’s okay.
“Why aren’t you at your party?”
He chuffs, “Because it was stifling in there.”
With a smirk, I throw my arms wide. “So, open a window.”
Chuckling, he turns over and rests his head in his hand, staring at me in the moonlight. “Why are you here?”
Shrugging, I look into his eyes, my heart skipping a beat. “Because it was stifling.”
Smirking, he looks me over with shining eyes, from my chest heaving just a little harder under his stare, down my legs and back. I’m caught in his glittering stare as an undefinable emotion passes over his face, and he runs the pad of his finger over my lower lip, causing me to shiver. When I do, his eyes light with fire, and my body pulses in reaction.
Sensing my pleasure, he leans over and licks my lip, and moaning, I arch into him. I should be running in the opposite direction but knowing I can feel again with him keeps me rooted to the spot as he deepens the kiss.
More often than not, I feel dead inside, and Griffin has always been able to light me up. This time is no different.
Clutching my hair, he thrusts his tongue inside, moaning when I whimper beneath him, before he shuffles over and rests between my legs. I spread them wide to accommodate him as he bucks into me and takes me heatedly with his sinful tongue.
Unable to resist, I pump against his erection and grab his shoulders, panting as he pulls back and looks at me with his beautiful eyes. His mouth curls up in the smirk I love to hate as he pushes my shirt up and runs his fingers over my nipples.
“Griffin,” I whisper on a moan, and he brings his eyes back to mine.
“Hm?” he growls.
“Make me feel good.”
“Oh, I plan to,” he says gruffly, pushing my bra aside and suckling my nipple between his lips.
Crying out, I arch against him again, babbling my need as he grinds his dick against me and kneads my nipple between his lips.
All I can do is feel, and the sensations are so glorious, I’m momentarily caught out by the intensity. But then he groans, snapping me out of my daze, as he pushes my jeans down my legs.
“So hot,” he says, kneeling before me as he licks me up, and flames race through me wildly.
I buck against him, showing him with my body what I can’t speak with words, and growling, he dives in and fucks me heatedly, his wicked tongue making me wet before sending me over quickly.
Pulsing heavily after, I collapse to the floor and close my eyes with a tiny smile, only to gasp and arch again when he suckles my clit between his teeth and bites down.
“Oh god,” I cry out, creaming heavily.
“Yes,” he groans, “come on my tongue, sweetheart.”
And I do because the combination of his tongue and the sweet words send me over rapidly as I senselessly writhe beneath him, bucking when he slides inside of me with a groan.
“Fuck. So wet and good,” he moans, pulling out and plunging deep.
The penetration makes me freeze, but once again he pulls me back with his deep groan, and I stare into his eyes, desperate for the connection.
“Yes, Griffin,” I exclaim, racing toward my third orgasm in so many minutes.
“Mm, come for me, sweetheart, fuck.”
I do, spasming around him as I buck mindlessly into his pelvis and chase the pleasure cascading through me wildly. He slows his pumps while I come down, before sitting up and pulling my legs across his and thrusting, his eyes alight with need as he stares at where we are joined and licks his lips.
I watch through lidded eyes, the pleasure on his face lighting my chest with fire as he takes me wildly before finally surging inside of me and bottoming out as he explodes. I follow behind him miraculously, a gentle pulse of pleasure washing through me as my spacy brain spins within.
He collapses against me, breathing deeply against my chest as we come down together. After which, he twitches inside of me and moves again, and we make love slowly and sweetly until we’re exhausted, falling asleep in each other’s arms.
∞∞∞
Cranking my eyes open blearily, I glance around, remembering where I am and who I’m with as Griffin stirs beside me.
Holy shit. I’ve done it again, although this time felt achingly sweet compared to the crude fucking of before, and I have no idea how to process it or if I even should. More than likely, this was an anomaly, and if I analyze it too closely, I will only end up burned.
Curiously shy in the light of day, I pull my clothes on quietly, wincing when he wakes. His eyes turn to liquid fire as he watches me but he banks it just as quickly, and ignoring the surge of disappointment, I murmur, “I should go before my mom sends out a search party. She probably thinks I’m standing on a bridge contemplating suicide by now.”
At the mention of my mom, Griffin retreats inside himself, his entire face shutting down as his mouth pulls into a straight line.
“Right,” he says gruffly, pulling on his own clothes.
The air is so chilly around us, I shiver, and turning on my knees, I say quietly, “I’m sorry. And I did try to make it better with my mom.”
“But?”
“But she found my diary.”
He raises his brow with a frown. “Your diary?”
“Yes, I wrote about you in my diary.”
“Huh? What about?”
“Something cruel you said on the worst night of my life,” I say sadly.
Chuffing, he mutters, “Let me guess…the night Jason dumped you. Whatever, go back to your little blue pills and fucking lies.”
“That’s so fucking unfair!”
“Why, because it’s true?” he sneers. “I’m supposed to take the fall because of some dick? I didn’t tell you to date him. You did that all on your own! And frankly, I’m not sure what’s the fucking truth when you’re telling me you love me and fucking losing your damn mind over him. You’re fucking crazy!”
“You bastard! I never lied! Not about him and not about you! I hate him, and fuck, I hate you!”
“Really? Well, news flash, I’m not exactly swimming in like for you!”
“Whatever,” I mutter, crawling toward the door. “I’m not a liar. I don’t lie, except maybe to my damn self.”
“Ha! You had a fucking breakdown and sprayed your room with paint. You were covered in it when I found you.”
Pausing, I turn back to him, swal
lowing past the painful words. “I was in pain, Griffin.”
“Yeah, I know,” he snorts, “because the fucker dumped you. Or was it because you fucked them all to get back at me? Shit, at this point, I don’t even know what to believe.”
“Don’t you get it?” I say, the words tripping from my lips before I can contain them. “He raped me!”
Griffin steps back with a stunned expression, and I drop to the floor, wrapping my arms around my middle.
“He raped me,” I scream, the words tripping over my tongue in a torrent, “and no amount of pills or white fucking walls is going to erase the dirty inside of me.”
“What the fuck,” he says quietly.
Refusing to meet his gaze, I stare at the floor and mumble, “You’ll never see just how fucking sorry I am. Because I’m ugly and broken, and no amount of paint or anything else will ever make you see.”
Dropping to his knees in front of me, Griffin touches my hair gently. “See what?”
“I’m dirty, I’m so dirty,” I pant, rocking back and forth as I whimper uncontrollably.
“You’re not dirty,” Griffin says, but I don’t hear him. I don’t hear anything.
“Hey.” He picks me up in his arms and cradles me to his chest.
Collapsing against him, I whisper, “I’ll never be clean again.”
“Fuck, sweetheart,” he says, clutching me to him tightly, but I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe, and pulling away, I take deep breaths of air, massaging my chest where my heart is clenched brutally. I just shared my dirty, and I can’t even look at his face because I know what I will see there if I do, the same disgust he’s had for me for years.
I fucking walked into my worst nightmare willingly, and now I’m dying inside because even if Griffin never considered taking me back, the option was taken from me brutally anyway.
All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I was too stupid to understand he was never going to no matter what I confessed or did.
We sit in silence as I calm, even though the stink of my shame lingers, covering me in the dirt because this is my fucking penance.
And when I can take the awkward silence no more, I back away from him, wiping my face like a child. “Griffin, I’m sorry. I am. I needed…I just had to, but I’m making it right, I promise.”
“What was in the diary, Halsey?” he asks softly, and I cringe.
“It was just old stuff. It—”
“What did it fucking say?”
“It was about the night you said you didn’t care who I fucked as long as it wasn’t you,” I say, avoiding his gaze.
“And?” he mutters.
“Griff—”
“Just fucking tell me!” he bellows, and tears fill my eyes.
“It was the same. It said…you said that to me…after.”
“After what?” he whispers, and looking into his eyes, I see his panic because he knows what I’m going to say, and he’s pleading with me, but for what, I don’t know.
Licking my dry lips, I say, “After what happened to me in the woods.”
“What?” he says, his face falling.
“Yes, you were…cruel, and I wrote about it in my diary.” Turning away, I finish dully, “And she saw it.”
“When I found you by the side of the house? That’s the night…?”
“Yes.”
“Fuck!” he says, pounding his fist against the wood floor wildly. Jumping, I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, surprised at his violent reaction.
“This is all so fucked-up,” he says in a guttural voice.
“Tell me about it,” I say, covering my trembling mouth with my fingers.
Avoiding my gaze, he rolls the bags up and tosses them in the corner. Uncomfortable under the distance between us, I step toward the ladder, pausing when he says softly behind me, “I’m sorry.”
“So am I,” I say, escaping out the hole and walking home glumly.
I didn’t ask what he was sorry for because it doesn’t matter. We’re both sorry for different reasons, and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. There’s nothing he can do either. It’s too late for apologies. It’s too late for this.
Chapter Twenty-Three
You can’t go back, and you can’t move forward…so where the fuck are you?
The remainder of the break passes uneventfully, and I move into my new dorm straightaway.
My new roommate is downright obnoxious, but even so, I welcome it over the hell I was walking before, and even sharing one room and a community bathroom for the foreseeable future is preferable to the bullshit at the house.
But I still have a few things left to pick up, and so after my session with Dr. Marks, I head over, hoping no one will be there.
I’m still not sure what he said to my mom, but I can’t help the kernel of resentment because I never said I didn’t feel safe around Griffin, and for him to use those words was unfair.
But in this, I can only blame myself, which I do when I allow myself to think about it. Either way, I’m free, and even though the sick twisted part of me that loves Griffin will miss seeing his cranky-ass face, I’m relieved I don’t have to see Max.
The house is quiet when I enter, to my relief, and I head straight for my room and start bagging up shit, in no mood for my brother, but as I’m on my second bag, the front door busts in, and two male voices emerge.
Cautiously, I close the door, leaning against the wood when the voices pass, one of which I recognize as Max’s. Closing my eyes, I sigh and move back to my things, less careful about packing in my haste.
After a few moments, silence reigns before a racket breaks out that causes me to jump. Is he fighting with someone?
Beside me, the wall adjoining Griffin’s thumps, and worriedly I step to the door and peek my head out. There’s no sound from the living area, so I creep down the hall, hoping I’m not about to find Max getting high, but when I push the door open slowly, I’m more confused than ever.
Max is lying on his stomach over Griffin’s bed, with a guy standing behind him, and as the picture comes into focus, I realize they’re fucking,
Bewildered, I glance between them because, despite Miranda’s claims, Max has never so much as hinted about being gay or bisexual for that matter.
Maybe it shouldn’t, but it comes as a complete surprise, but even that shock is nothing when the guy having sex with my brother raises his head, and it’s none other than Jason fucking Macklemore.
My brother is having sex with my rapist, and apparently, my little stunt over Halloween didn’t hinder his sex life at all. A pity.
For a moment, I think no, maybe I need to help him. Maybe…and I gasp, stepping forward as my own experience claws at my eyes. But Jason looks up, his mouth curving into a smile as Max moans below him and says, “Harder, bro.”
My gaze drops to Max with disbelief as black dots dance behind my vision, and vomit surges in my throat. Turning hurriedly, I smack into a hard chest standing behind me, and glancing up, I find Griffin staring over my shoulder with a snarl on his face.
Before I have time to react, Griffin’s over the bed and pulling Jason off Max. Taken aback, I watch as Max turns over and gasps in horror as Griffin pounds his fist into Jason’s face.
“I’ll fucking kill you!”
Jason rears back, blood pouring from his mouth as he says, “What the fuck, man!”
“Yeah, what the fuck! You think you can rape a girl and get away with it!” Griffin says with a brutal baring of his teeth.
“What?” Max exclaims, pulling his boxers over his ass. “Griff, bro. What’s…what’s going on?”
I suspect Max is embarrassed by Griffin’s appearance during his sexual escapade with a dude, the pink tips of his ears an obvious sign, but I have no time to contemplate it because Griffin is still pounding on Jason.
“Stay out of this,” Griff barks, and Max steps back, running his hand over his face with a panicked expression.
Pulling
Jason away from the wall, Griffin pushes him to the ground roughly and climbs on top of him, slamming his fist into his head before he’s even on the floor. Max goes to pull him away, and Griffin rears back, giving him a feral look.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Max asks.
Griffin tips his head back with a feral glare. “Taking out the trash.”
“Fuck you! I didn’t rape anyone! What the fuck are you talking about?” Jason yells.
“Really? You piece of shit,” Griffin bellows, glancing at me with eyes so black I don’t recognize him.
I step back hesitantly, my gaze drops to Jason as his eyes narrow, and he looks me over with a sneer, the sight all the more macabre because his teeth are stained with blood. “Wait. You think I raped Halsey? Is that what she’s telling you?”
“Don’t look at her.” Griffin growls, pounding his fist into Jason’s face again.
“Seriously,” Jason laughs, saying in a garbled voice, “Did she lie about the others, too?”
There’s an endless fucking pause before Griffin says in a strangled tone, “Others?”
“Yeah, man, me and my buddies,” Jason says.
And closing my eyes, I fight back the images of hands pulling me in, holding me down, and groping me roughly, my vision wavering as I clutch my stomach. Will I ever see past it? Or will it haunt me forever?
Whimpering, I cover the sound with my hand and seek out Griffin because even in this, I need his comfort, but when I meet his glittering eyes, I smile sadly at the horror I see there. Does he see the dirty, too? Or is he disturbed by the entire fucking notion?
“Hals,” Griffin whispers painfully.
Biting back a sob and with my soul hanging loosely in my body, I back away, leaving the bags of shit on the bed and escaping because I don’t fucking care anymore.
Distantly I hear the sound of shouts as I pass by the window from the outside, but I keep going, drowning out the sounds of my pain with my headphones.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lies are the devil’s own work, but sometimes so are truths.
The weeks fly by, and I avoid anything to do with my brother and Griffin, which isn’t hard because I don’t hear from either of them. For this I am grateful because I don’t know how to act in the face of my most shameful revelation.