He yearned for her loyalty. He rubbed at his heart, as he feared he would never have more of her than he already had.
The warehouse door burst open, and he sighed as Kevin and Declan burst in with worried expressions. “What is it?” he asked.
“You, you eejit,” Kevin said, as he pulled out another crate to sit near him. Declan did the same, and they soon formed an informal circle. “Da told us you had trouble at the café.”
“Trouble,” Ardan scoffed with a shake of his head. He leaned forward, clasping his hands together, either in prayer or to prevent from striking out at something in anger. “I’m worse than a Colleen,” Ardan moaned, as he rested his head in his arms.
“How could you be worse than a Colleen?” Declan asked, as he slung an arm over his brother’s shoulder. “Nothin’ is worse than fightin’ a ghost.”
“There’s fightin’ the hope the ghost lives,” Ardan said, raising his gaze to see his brothers pale at his words. “Her brother-in-law arrived in town today. Claimed her husband lives in Saint Louis.”
Kevin shook his head. “That’s a load of rubbish, and you know it.”
“Aye, I do. Especially because his first argument was that Deirdre owes him money. Then, when that didn’t work, he claimed her husband never died. Seems he’ll do whatever he must to entice her to leave the Territory.”
Declan sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Why?” he asked. “Makes no sense, aye?” He shrugged as he met his eldest brother’s gaze. “The lass is pretty, aye, an’ has a wonderful talent in the kitchen, but why would that cause a man to chase after her?” He raised a hand, as though worried he had offended Ardan. “Does he love her like you do?”
Ardan shook his head. “No. He seems to only have contempt for her.”
Kevin rose and paced around the otherwise empty warehouse. “Then why chase after her to Fort Benton? Why take months out of your life to follow a woman you don’t even like?”
“I don’t know.” Ardan took a deep breath. “But I don’t know how to fight against the hope I saw in her gaze. She wouldn’t talk with me. She turned away from me, as though she were ashamed of our friendship.” He bowed his head at having to use such a weak word to describe his relationship with the woman he loved.
“Hope is a tantalizing lure,” Declan murmured, and his brothers nodded.
“She said I was stifling her,” Ardan whispered. “How can she perceive my love that way?” His blue eyes shone with torment as he stared at his brothers.
“Oh, Ard,” Kevin murmured, as he gripped his brother by the nape. “She’s terrified and lashin’ out. Doesn’t know what to do. Give her space.”
“Aye, an’ time to realize all she’s missin’ by not bein’ with you,” Declan advised. “Soon she’ll come to realize she’s a fool.”
Kevin paused, as he saw his eldest brother’s misery. “The man just arrived. Surprised her. Give her time to work through all he said, an’ I’m certain she’ll see her way to the truth, as you have.”
Declan gripped his arm. “Fight for her, Ardan. She’s the woman you love. Don’t give up on her.”
Ardan nodded, his gaze bleak. “I will. I fear it won’t be enough.”
After the meals were served, the kitchen was cleaned up, and the café closed for the evening, Deirdre expected Mary, Maggie, and Niamh to depart. Instead they remained in the kitchen, sitting on stools, as they each sipped a cup of tea. Maura had come and gone a few times during the day to spend time with Niamh, but she was back again with her doting grandfather and uncles.
“I’m certain you have much more important things to do,” Deirdre protested, as the women sat in quiet companionship with her. “Won’t your men need a meal?”
Mary waved a hand. “They can fend for themselves for one meal,” she said with a smile. “Although I know they’ll all hope ’tisn’t Ardan cookin’ for them.” She bit back a smile, as Niamh snickered.
“Oh, he’s the worst cook!” Niamh said with a sigh, as she shook her head. “When we were young, he’d try to help out Da, before he married Colleen …” Her voice faded away, and she flushed as she ducked her head.
“Seamus said he nearly burned down the house, trying to make toast one night,” Mary said with a broad smile, as Maggie gaped at her. “Aye, ’tis hard to imagine, isn’t it?”
“He mastered one soup, but, oh, we got so tired of eatin’ the same thing.” Niamh blushed. “Although we should always be thankful we had anything to eat.”
“Yes,” Deirdre whispered. “I might have been young, but I still remember the hunger that felt like it would eat your stomach out from the insides.” She saw the understanding in Niamh’s and Mary’s gazes. Her eyes filled, and she whispered, “I don’t know what to do.”
Mary rose and wrapped her arms around Deirdre’s shoulder. “Of course you don’t. Today was a shock for you, and you need time to consider all you heard. For not everything spoken is the truth.”
Deirdre sighed, as she leaned into Mary. “I feel horribly disloyal to Alonzo.” She looked toward Maggie and Niamh, who stared at her with sympathy. She hoped it wasn’t pity. “I should feel only joy at the news he lived.”
“Ah, but does he?” Mary murmured. “Or is that a ruse to steal you away from those who would love and cherish you, only putting you at the mercy of a man who has little regard for you?” Mary ran a hand over Deirdre’s head and then her shoulder. “Only you know the truth. It rests deep inside you, Deirdre.”
Ardan slipped into her upstairs rooms that evening, after hoping all day she would seek him out. He paused at finding her staring out the rear window, tears tracking down her cheeks. “Love,” he whispered. When she stiffened and backed away from his soft words, he froze from reaching for her. “How are you?”
Her tormented gaze met his, and she shook her head helplessly. “I don’t know what to think. How can Alonzo be alive, and I not know it? For two years?” she asked, staring vacantly out the window again. “How could he ignore me for all that time?”
Ardan cleared his throat and took a tiny step in her direction. “Did you ever imagine that man Silas might lie?”
Deirdre shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself. “Only a truly vindictive man would say something so egregious. To a woman who’s mourned.” She lowered her head. “I feel so ashamed.”
Stilling his forward movement, he felt a chill race down his spine at her words. “Because of me? Because of our friendship?”
As though in a trance, she whispered, “What must your family think of me? A married woman carrying on with another man?” She closed her eyes. “I’m no better than the women at the Bordello.”
“No, Deirdre,” Ardan rasped. He gripped her arm and turned her to face him. “No.” His cobalt-blue eyes sparkled with the intensity of his feelings. “I will not allow you to sully what we’ve shared. What we have.”
“What have we had, Ardan?” she whispered, her gaze filled with misery and doubt. “Why would you want an inconstant woman?”
Ignoring her gasp, he pulled her into his arms, intent on finding some way to soothe her. “We’ll find a way through this. I promise.” He ran his hands over her shuddering back. “You’re not inconstant. Silas is a liar.”
“I can’t see my way to the truth,” she whispered, rubbing her face into the soft flannel of his shirt. Taking a deep breath, she pushed at Ardan, forcing her way out of his arms. “I can’t do this. Not if there’s a chance Alonzo lives.” She held up her hand, shaking her head. “No, Ardan. No.”
“Deirdre, you know Silas lies.” He reached for her again and stilled his movement when she backed away.
“I don’t know what I know.” She held a hand to her heart. “But I won’t have peace until I discover the truth.”
He paled as he watched her expression become resolute. “You’re leaving me. You’re returning with Silas.”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“No,” he said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat and blinked rapid
ly as tears threatened. “No,” he repeated. “Leave with me. Leave with Declan. One of us will see you safely there and will ensure you come to no harm.”
She stared at him with incredulousness. “Why should your family trouble themselves with me?” She shook her head. “Besides, I can’t arrive at Alonzo’s sickbed with another man in tow. What would he think of me, Ardan? If I were to show up with you?”
He gripped her shoulders, his touch gentle and reverent. “He’d think you were human. That you learned the lesson of that horrible war and learned to grab at happiness wherever you could.”
“No!” she gasped. “No! Stop tempting me with what I have no right to desire.” She pushed him back, severing his hold on her. “I will leave. With Silas. As is proper. There’s nothing for me here.”
He took a step toward her, his breath teasing the hair at her nape. “There’s everythin’ for you here, if only you were willing to fight for it.” He waited a long moment for her to respond. When she refused to say anything more, he walked away, the door creaking as it shut behind him.
Chapter 7
During the midmorning lull the following day, Deirdre stood at the bank of the Missouri, watching as the river rippled past. Although she wished it were teeming with men working, so that something would distract her roiling thoughts, the levee was quiet, as no boats were docked. After the drought from the previous year had brought a lighter-than-average runoff and flow to the Missouri, all the recent boats attempting to bring passengers and cargo to Fort Benton and the Territory had to dock farther downstream.
Soon Fort Benton would be cut off from the outside world, as even those steamboats docking at Cow Island would head back to Saint Louis and would not attempt to return until next June.
She rubbed at her temple as her mind raced with her meeting with Silas the previous day. With her discussion with Ardan last night. All last night, she’d waited for Ardan to return. Waited to feel his arms around her again. To hear him whispering his words of reassurance in her ear. His love.
Instead she had slept alone for the first time since she had hurt her ankle in over two weeks. She had hugged a pillow, muddling through what Silas said and implied, her emotions roiling. What it would mean if Alonzo were alive.
How was she to know what to do? Her heart had raced at the possibility that her husband lived, while a sick dread filled her stomach.
How was she to leave Ardan?
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath to steady herself. Reminding herself that her first loyalty was, and had to be, for her husband, she firmed her shoulders and turned from the river to walk to the hotel. When she arrived, she nodded to the owner, Mr. Foster. “Is there any place here I could speak in private with my brother-in-law, Mr. Fiske?” she asked.
Mr. Foster eyed her up and down and then nodded. “Of course, Mrs. Finnegan. You may use my office.” He motioned for her to go to a room down the hall. “I’ll see if Mr. Fiske is available to join you. If you wish, I may loiter in the hallway, should you need any assistance.”
Deirdre nodded and wandered into the tidy office at the end of the hall, uncertain if her plan were sound, as she did not relish being alone with Silas. Ignoring her trepidation, she spun to face him, as he entered the room in an ungainly step. “Silas.”
“I’m surprised you’d seek me out. Not after you wanted to throw me out of your kitchen yesterday.” His brown eyes gleamed with curiosity, as he looked at her standing with perfect posture, while she gripped her hands together. “No need to act the perfect grieving widow. I had the entire evening to listen to how you’ve had an O’Rourke in your bed for the past few weeks.”
She flushed and shook her head in denial. “That’s horrible gossip,” she gasped.
“Half the men I met informed me that Ardan O’Rourke doesn’t leave your house until the next morning. Most often until he’s had breakfast at your kitchen table.” He looked at her with a scorn-filled gaze. “I had thought my brother’s wid—wife would be more respectful of him. But then, I should have known better than to have optimistic expectations of you.”
She raised her chin, her eyes glinting with unshed tears. “I have never dishonored Alonzo.” Holding a hand to her heart, she whispered, “And to prove my sincerity, I will return with you to seek him out. No injury would ever prevent me from wanting him.”
Silas snorted out a scornful laugh. “So you say now. What do you think Alonzo will say when he hears about your infidelity?” When she flushed, then paled and dropped her gaze to the floor in shame, his smile broadened, as he saw the effect his words had on her. “Do you believe the loss of a leg is the worst a man could suffer in the War?”
Shaking her head, she stared at him, a wild glint in her eyes. “Oh, please tell me how he suffered! What he suffered. I can’t bear the thought of him languishing in pain and not being there to offer him some comfort.”
He looked her up and down, his gaze filled with derision. “You’ve seen the men after the War. Horribly disfigured by their scars. So changed even their mothers wouldn’t recognize them.”
She paled at the thought. “My poor Alonzo.”
“Save your histrionics for someone who believes in your sincerity.” He motioned for her to follow him. “Come. We must make plans to leave here with all due haste. For all I know, Alonzo has already perished from his wounds. And from the belief you’ve forsaken him.”
“No,” Deirdre gasped. “That would be too cruel.”
Allowing Silas to tow her along, she followed as they left the hotel to find a stagecoach driver to deliver them to Cow Island and the steamboats waiting to head downriver.
Dunmore poked his head into the warehouse, his alert gaze taking in the scene of Kevin and Declan playing cribbage, while Ardan stared into space. Although Dunmore had known it unlikely, he fought disappointment that Maggie wasn’t visiting her brothers today. He had hoped to see the youthful joy in her gaze and her cautious smile as she stole glances at him. After a moment where he attempted to banish his improper fascination, he cleared his throat, and the brothers looked in his direction. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” he said with a wry smile.
Ardan walked to him and shook his hand. “No, Dunmore, ’tis always good to see you. How was your recent journey?”
He shrugged. “Nothing unusual. Nothing to report.” He saw Ardan’s understanding that he had learned nothing new on his recent journey to Virginia City about Jacques Bergeron, who had abused Mary and Maggie. Although Jacques was Mary’s brother-in-law, and a step-uncle to Maggie, he had treated them poorly during the time they had lived with him. The O’Rourkes hoped Jacques would remain far away. “I wish I could confirm his whereabouts, but he seems to have disappeared.”
“Disappeared?” Declan called out. “There aren’t that many places to travel to in the Territory.”
“No, but there are enough,” Dunmore said with a sigh. “I’ve asked those I trust to keep an eye out for him. We’ll discover where he is before he has a chance to cause mischief again.”
Ardan slapped Dunmore on his shoulder. “Thank you.” He motioned around him. “As you can see, there isn’t much work right now.”
“Or there are too many of you trying to do the same work,” Dunmore murmured. “I’m headin’ to Cow Island in a day or two. As is Bailey.”
Declan shivered. “God help anyone travelin’ with that man. He’s lucky he hasn’t killed anyone yet with his run-down coach.” His brothers murmured their agreement with his statement. Bailey preferred time in the saloon or the Bordello to time repairing his coach.
Dunmore nodded. “Interesting you should say that.” He tipped his hat back, his blue-green eyes intense as they looked at Ardan. “I saw a man with your woman speaking with Bailey a little while ago. They appeared to be purchasing seats for his coach that is to leave tomorrow for Cow Island.”
“No,” Ardan gasped, paling at the news.
Dunmore nodded. “Seems they are eager to leave this ‘godforsaken upstart town,
filled with those who don’t know their place.’” He shared an amused look with Kevin and Declan, as Ardan gaped at him in horror. “That’s a direct quote from the peg-legged man she was with. Seems a rather cantankerous sort for such a sweet woman to consort with.”
“He’s her brother-in-law,” Declan whispered.
Dunmore grunted and rocked on his heels. “Well, seems to me, he wishes he were somethin’ more than that.” Tipping his hat to the brothers, he sauntered out of the warehouse.
After speaking with Silas and the horrible Mr. Bailey, Deirdre returned to the café. Unable to focus on her work, she smiled her thanks when Mary, Maggie, and Niamh returned to help her. In the afternoon, as bread baked and a cake cooled, Deirdre slipped out the back door during a lull in work on the excuse she needed to use the privy. In reality, she needed a moment alone. She walked until she came to a halt by a small creek that led into the Missouri river. Although she had just made arrangements with Silas and Mr. Bailey, she fought panic.
How was she supposed to let Ardan go?
Bowing her head, she fought a sense of shame that she coveted another man while her husband might live. She fought guilt at the lie she had told Ardan that there was nothing for her here. Everything she dreamed of was here. What was she supposed to do? She swiped at her cheeks at the sound of someone approaching. Spinning, she let out a deep breath at seeing Seamus O’Rourke approach. “Mr. O’Rourke,” she murmured.
“No need to show such joy at my appearance,” he teased, although his gaze was serious as he watched her. “How are you, lass?”
She shook her head and shrugged, the ability to describe her tumult of emotions beyond her. “I don’t know,” she finally admitted.
“Ardan told me all that man had to say yesterday,” Seamus said, as he stood in quiet companionship beside her. “An’ I think there’s quite a bit he left unsaid.”
Pioneer Desire: The O’Rourke Family Montana Saga, Book Two Page 13