It’s Jacobo’s turn to sigh. “Right.” Although he still seems disappointed, he also seems to be listening.
“C’mon,” Elena says. “Show me where to get some food around here. For thirty thousand credits, Jento’s buying dinner.”
The two of them leave the room, Jacobo first, then Elena. She pauses in the doorway, looking back over her shoulder at me. When I meet her eyes, she gives me a small nod of encouragement. Once I’m alone in the room, I sit in front of the terminal and pull out Val’s databox. I have a hundred questions, but the biggest of all is why. Why was Val so convinced that taking my memories was the right thing to do? The download from my brainbox doesn’t tell me. I need to go to the source. I plug Val in behind my ear and hook her up to the terminal.
network: mx 19432 . 99133
Connection established
welcome: user волчица-воин
I’m standing on a beach with sand between my toes. The orange sun hangs low in the sky, and its fading rays shimmer on top of the ocean. A light evening breeze caresses my face, carrying the scent of salt and island blossoms I don’t recognize.
“Sasha.”
Val doesn’t seem surprised to see me. She’s standing to my right, wearing a purple sundress with splashy pink flowers as well as a blossom behind her ear. Her expression is concerned. Regretful, even.
I gesture to the virtual beauty around us. “Why did you make it like this? It can’t be one of Jento’s presets.”
A sad smile tugs at Val’s lips. “It’s Barbados.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“You didn’t have to protect me from Megan, either. You could have surrendered my databox in Malaysia, but you chose to keep it, even though you hate me.”
I heave a tired sigh. There’s only so much anger a body can hold, and my supply is drained. “I don’t hate you, Val. I never did. You just…when you hid my memories, you hurt me. Really deep. And it hurts twice as much because I don’t know why you did it.”
Val looks out toward the ocean. The breeze picks up speed, blowing her long, thick hair back over her shoulders. “I will be completely honest with you, Sasha. There are three things you should know. First, the memories you possessed before the download from your brainbox were not really your memories. They were mine.”
I look at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Megan installed a failsafe into the cloning process. The download of your memories could not begin unless she granted permission.”
I shiver, but not from cold. The fact that Megan had so much power over me is sickening, given what I know about her now. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Megan ordered me not to, but as you are now plugged into my databox, my first priority is to assist you. This allows me to override Megan’s previous orders.” Val turns her face away from the sun, and it falls into shadow. “After the operation in Mumbai, she was no longer present to confirm the download of your memories. Since I was unable to give them to you, I substituted my own recollections. A memory of your memories. I have ‘lived’ your life, in a sense, thousands of times in order to develop my own personality.”
An unexpected sense of bitterness swells within me. “You didn’t develop a very good one, then. You can’t expect me to believe I would have lied to myself the way you did.”
Val lifts her chin to look at me once more. “That is the second thing you should know. I chose to delete portions of your memory because Sasha Six requested it.”
“What?” I want to believe Val is lying to me again, but looking at her face—even knowing she has full control of her expressions—I believe she’s telling the truth. “Why would I…she…do that?”
“That is the third thing you should know. I was able to download a backup copy of Sasha Six’s final moments through AxysGen’s wireless network before your brainbox was taken and deactivated. I can show you, if you’d like.”
I should be furious that Val has kept yet another memory from me, but I’ve long since eaten through that feeling. The wick has burned down to the very bottom. I can’t rebuild trust without the truth, and in spite of everything, I want to trust Val again.
“Show me.”
Val frowns, worry etched across her face. “It will be painful.”
“Do it anyway.”
She meets my eyes, and the sadness in them speaks to me. “I am not surprised by your choice. Over the past week, I have come to understand that in some circumstances, humans value honesty more than the avoidance of pain.” She extends her hand, offering it to me.
I take it and close my eyes.
/////COMMENCING DOWNLOAD/////
Pain. My whole world is pain. My limbs are shards of burnt glass. Right hip crushed. One lung punctured. My chest screams when it tries to inflate. Can’t breathe. Can’t see either. Vision swimming. Blonde hair?
Megan. Shit. Alive? Relief. I’m dying. Explosion caught me when I went back to look for her, but Megan’s alive. She’s okay. I try to speak. Say her name. Not enough breath.
“You aren’t dead yet?”
She bends down. Unclips my armor, pulls broken pieces out of me. Hands that loved me, cold. Uncaring. “Where is it?”
It? I’m crushed again. Megan doesn’t care. Doesn’t care about me. She’s looking for…something.
“Fuck, Sasha, where did you put Val’s databox?”
Can’t answer. Can’t even cry. Megan. God, Megan. Where are you? Why aren’t you there when I look in your eyes? Were you…were you ever there?
Megan rummages in her belt. Slaps a StimPak on my arm. Slaps my cheeks. “Hey, hey, hey. Stay with me. Where is Val? Tell me and I’ll let you die before I yank your brainbox out.”
Yank my brainbox? Let me die? I don’t…don’t understand. Val. What did I do with Val? I took her on this mission. I had her to open the other door for me, until…no. No, I gave her to Rami. Gave her to Rami to keep safe before I went back in for Megan. Rami was injured, so I told the two of them to go.
Megan’s eyes are blue lightning. “Where the fuck is it? Shit! I get offered a deal during the one goddamn mission where I’m not using her.”
Deal? What is she talking about?
“There goes my whole distribution plan! Ugh, screw this. Last chance, or I’ll just pull the info from the brainbox. You can die easy, or you can die ugly.”
She pulls something from her belt. A glowing knife. Plasma blade, one of Doc’s. She’s going to kill me. Actually going to cut my head open. Doesn’t matter. StimPak isn’t working. Warmth leaving. Black circles closing. I’m dying. This body’s dying. I’ll fade out soon, or Megan will kill me, and the next me…oh no. No. The next me. Sasha Seven.
She’ll wake up alone. Alone in the cold, wet blue. First thing she’ll know is Megan murdering her. First thing she’ll feel is Megan hating her. No, not hating. Not even caring enough to hate. Worse. It’ll be so much worse than the other times. Not just nightmares. Not just pain. No trust. No hope. Unloved. Val. Val, please still be in wireless range. Don’t. Don’t put this in the backups. Don’t download it. I’m running out of time—but give her time. I know she’ll find out, but please, give her time. Please. Please, Val. Just a little…more…time…
/////DOWNLOAD COMPLETE/////
I’m back on the beach, tears streaming freely down my face. At first, I’m speechless. I can still see images of Megan’s empty eyes burnt over the sunset. It all makes sense now. Despite dying five times and preparing to die for a sixth, the Sasha before me had tried to protect me. She’d known how the other Sashas reacted after being awakened. She remembered how hard it had been to come back from the dead. She’d known I couldn’t handle Megan’s betrayal on top of that.
“She gave me time,” I whisper, swiping tear tracks away with the back of my hand.
“She did,” Val agrees. “I fulfilled her request because, in my opinion, you would not have been able to handle this information in such a vulnerable state.”
It’s
hard to concentrate on Val’s words, because I’m still stuck in the past. Megan tried to kill me back in Malaysia, but Sasha Six’s memories cut far deeper. “But why? Why did Megan…why didn’t I see it coming?”
“I have analyzed Megan’s behavior and my own memories of our final operation extensively. I believe Veronica Cross became aware of my existence, and offered Megan a deal during our mission to AxysGen’s Mumbai facility, but you had decided to take me that day.”
In spite of everything, I laugh. “The doors. I needed you to help me open the doors because there were two separate intranet security systems. Me and Rami were on one, Megan was on the other. She said she could handle it without help. Arrogant bitch.”
“Yes. I remember…I have often considered how unlikely this specific outcome was, statistically speaking. If I had gone with Megan as usual, she would have handed me over to Veronica Cross. If you had kept my databox instead of giving it to Rami before returning to the facility to search for Megan, she would have taken it from your body. If Rami had not managed to escape, I would have been found and returned to Megan.”
“So you’re safe because of dumb luck.” I sniff as the tears finally dry up. “But what about the other memories? Sasha Six didn’t tell you to delete them.”
“No, she did not,” Val says. “It was my choice, one I regret deeply. After pondering her instructions, it occurred to me that the memories of your cloning and Megan’s disregard for your safety would also be traumatic. All of your predecessors had struggled with them following activation. Furthermore, the rest of the crew was scattered. Rami had gone into hiding to protect the databox, and was awaiting your return. Cherry had gone to look for her, but was forced underground by AxysGen during the search. Rock was captured on his way to the cloning bunker in Kansas City and taken to Siberia. Only Doc was there to help me activate you, and in her state of fear and anger, she alone was not sufficient.”
“Sufficient for what?”
“Emotional support.” Val reaches out, and when I don’t object, she touches my arm. In virtual reality, the comforting gesture feels real. “Though they did not always wish to discuss their pain, Sashas Two through Six relied heavily on the crew during the recovery process. They considered the presence of their family absolutely vital to their wellbeing. Without them, I feared you might not recover at all.”
I have no idea what to say. Is there anything to say at all?
Val squeezes my arm a little tighter. “I apologize for causing you pain, Sasha. Please know that it was not my intention. I am not sure what course of action I would take if this scenario were to occur again, but this was not a desirable outcome. Given a second chance, I would not withhold your memories. I have learned from my mistake.”
“You were right, though,” I find myself telling her. “Those memories were…if I hadn’t had my family and Elena around, I might have…” I don’t know what I would have done, but I’m not sure I could have recovered. At least, not in time to save Rock and find the others before AxysGen tracked them down.
Val lets my arm go, but not without brushing her fingertips along my skin, as though she can feel it. “If you will permit me to give you some advice, I think you should speak to Elena.”
It dawns on me exactly what advice Val is trying to give. She wants me to lean on Elena, to ask for the support I need. But Elena isn’t like the other members of my crew. She’s new, but also special, and my feelings for her are stronger than I want them to be. Dangerously strong, even after such a short time.
“You don’t know what you’re asking,” I say, fighting to keep my voice from breaking. “You want me to open up, but after what Megan did…”
“Your trust in Megan was misplaced. You could not have known that, but as you are aware, Elena is different. She will prove it to you when this is over, by demonstrating her loyalty over an extended period of time.”
I try to protest, but I can’t. Something stops me. Maybe I’m an idiot for wanting to trust people again, but it’s how I feel.
“Val?” I whisper.
Val looks at me.
“I forgive you.”
She smiles.
“Thank you, Sasha.”
logging off network
disconnection complete
Friday, 06-18-65 15:03:25
THE REST OF THE evening passes in a blur. Elena and Jacobo return with armfuls of packaged food, as well as an unopened bottle of vodka. Even though I’m not usually a drinker, I down the shot Elena pours me as soon as she puts it in my hand. It burns, but I stifle the cough rising in my throat.
“Not too much,” Rami says, their tone more teasing than concerned. They’ve wiped the color from their lips and added faint stubble around their chin instead—how, I have no idea, since they don’t have their regular makeup kit.
“Let her fucking have what she wants, would you?” Elena takes the empty shot glass from me and fills it again. “She’s had a hell of a week.”
“A hell of a life,” Cherry says. Then she looks at me and winces. “Shit, that sounds like you’re dying.”
I swallow my vodka and snort. “You’re an ass, Cherry.”
“You’re saying this like it’s new information, boss.” Cherry takes a shot glass of her own and the bottle from Elena, pouring one out and downing it without a twitch. “Here, Rock,” she says, passing him the bottle. “Knock yourself out.”
“You know his system will filter out the alcohol before he gets drunk, right?” Doc says.
“Not the point,” Cherry insists. “It’s about participation.”
Rock shrugs and lifts the bottle to his lips. After several chugs, Rami yanks it away from him. “That’s enough for you.”
Elena takes it back. “Shit. Give me some of that before it’s all gone.”
Jacobo sidles up beside her. “Hey, Elena, can I—”
“Not on your fucking life.” Elena pours herself a shot and passes the bottle back to me.
“I wasn’t gonna ask for that,” Jacobo grumbles, pouting a little. “I wanted to know what you’re doing here.”
“Besides saving your ass from that slimeball Jento? Long story short, Sasha” Elena points her thumb back at me. “used to date a crazy bitch. Now she’s trying to kill us and steal all our stuff.”
“Like a FRAI?”
Elena glares at him. “Where’d that come from?”
“You said the woman chasing you invented a FRAI. Then you said she didn't have it, and it was 'complicated.’ Assuming you’re not bullshitting me, that means you swiped it.”
Instead of clarifying, I give him a look. “Is the rest of your family as annoying as you and your sister?”
Elena grins. “Runs in the family, Jefecita.”
“I’m taking that as confirmation,” Jacobo says. “What the fuck, Elena? A real FRAI?”
She heaves a sigh and looks at me, brows raised.
I pull Val out and toss the databox to Elena. “Turn her projector on. She might as well join the party. And for the record, we never stole her. She was always one of us.”
Everyone smiles, the last of the tension dissipating as they realize what that must mean: that I’ve forgiven Val too. Elena switches on the projector, and Val appears in the room. She’s wearing her usual clothes instead of her beach attire, and she tilts her head when she sees Jacobo. Her face registers surprise, which makes sense, considering we don’t introduce her to many people.
“Hello, Jacobo.”
The kid gapes. “Are you really a FRAI?” he asks, breathless with excitement.
“My thought processes did not originate organically, so I suppose the answer would be yes.”
Jacobo bounces on his heels. “Holy fuck! That’s so cool. You’re, like, the next step in consciousness! So, tell me: what’s the meaning of life?”
“Assuming you wish to apply this question to an individual rather than a species, there is no singular answer. There are as many answers as there are human beings.”
“That�
�s lame,” Jacobo says.
“No. I think it is beautiful. At the present time, observing and learning what organic beings consider to be most important is the meaning of my life.”
I refill my shot glass. “If we’re gonna talk philosophy, I need another drink.”
“One more question.” Jacobo looks over at Doc. “Why does Elena let that kid tag along, but treat me like I couldn’t find my own ass?”
“Excuse me? I’ve got a name,” Doc says.
“You haven’t said it, so how should I know?”
Doc rolls her eyes. “By asking, dumbass.”
Val seems amused. “I believe Elena would prefer if Doc were not involved in our operations. However, Elena does not feel she has the authority to dictate Doc’s actions. Since Elena is your older sister and one of your guardians, she feels responsible for imposing restrictions on you for your own safety.”
Jacobo completely ignores Val’s explanation and narrows his eyes at Doc. “Doc? What the hell kind of name is that?”
Doc wrinkles her nose. “Why the hell does your face look like that?”
Cherry snorts into her glass. “Is this funny because I’m drunk, or…?”
Elena plops down on the couch beside me and tosses a bag of chips toward Jacobo. “Shut up and eat.”
He does, and we follow suit. Everyone passes the bottle around, the kids and Rami excluded, and soon the table is covered with wrappers.
Before I realize it, the eight of us have been lounging around the dingy room, eating and drinking and shooting the shit, for about three hours. Despite the circumstances that brought us here, a strange peace settles over me. I feel like a powerful wave of pain has finally passed, leaving my body all buzzy and light. The bitterness of the vodka has turned to ambrosia on my tongue and the blood of the gods is pounding through me. I feel invincible, like in the old days. With my friends around me, Megan and AxysGen seem distant, or at least manageable. The fear is bearable now that I don’t have to carry it all alone.
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