by Michael Todd
A body plummeted from the sky, wings wide. The cops slammed on their brakes, trying to keep the car under control. Katie slammed into the hood of the assailant’s car feet-first, stopping the car in its tracks. The tail end flew up and then crashed back down, showering the street in broken glass. Jason grabbed the wheel and swerved to the side, coming to a complete stop.
“What the hell did she just…” Drew pressed his face against the windshield, his hat having fallen off.
“Was that a she? That was one fucking powerful she.” Jason gaped at her.
“You don’t see those huge tits and that tiny waist? Yes, that’s a fucking she. That’s Katie,” Drew replied, not taking his eyes off her.
The assailant in the passenger seat hung out the window and cursed the driver. “Go! Go! Fucking go!” He screamed with joy as the driver slammed his foot on the gas, shocked when the car started moving again. It sputtered and smoked, but they crawled away from the police. Katie launched herself into the air, rolling into a ball and dodging as bullets cut the air around her. She swooped right and left with a huge smile on her face.
“What the hell is she gonna do now?” Drew asked.
Jason couldn’t turn away. He couldn’t blink, and he could barely move his lips to answer. “Fuck if I know, but I don’t think she’s too happy about being shot at.”
Drew slowly looked at Jason. “She has fucking wings, and she’s a human.”
Jason slapped him on the shoulder. “If she needed saving I’d say she was right up your alley, but she’s the chick who does the rescuing.”
Drew looked at Katie as she rose high into the sky. “She can save me any fucking day of the week.”
Katie looked down at the assailants, who were still firing at her. The bullets whizzed around her, but she paid them no mind. Instead, she bared her teeth and extended her hand, summoning her sword. Onlookers were momentarily blinded by the huge flash of light as her angelic sword appeared in her hand.
Her eyes flashed red. “Oh, boys, you picked the wrong street on the wrong day.”
Get ‘em, Momma, Pandora yelled.
Katie gripped the sword with both hands and turned the blade down. Her wings folded behind her and she dove, moving faster than anyone could see. She slammed into the car at full speed.
A ring of raw energy exploded from the point of impact. The cops held on tight as their car rattled and slid backward. Windows within the radius of the energy ring burst, showering the street with glass.
The angelic sword cut the runaway car completely in two. Katie stood behind the halved car, her blade embedded in the street.
Drew and Jason were absolutely silent as the woman yanked her sword out of the blacktop. She sheathed it, jumped into the air and turned, her wings catching air. Her eyes were shining brightly, and her lips were curved into a malicious smile. The assailants hunkered in their ruined car. Cockeyed headlights lit the buildings on either side of the street.
“What’s your status, One Adam Six?” The voice of the dispatcher crackled.
Drew grabbed the radio, still staring at Katie. “You won’t believe this, but Katie just came out of the sky and went all Thor on their asses. The car has stopped, and she’s walking toward it. We better get over there, or we might not have suspects.”
Drew, Jason, and the other two cops drew their weapons and began to walk over. Katie drifted lazily to the ground and went to the car. She pulled the drivers-side door off and grabbed the guy by the throat, lifting him from the car.
Katie looked at the guy, her narrowed eyes red. “You could have killed that fucking puppy back there.”
Drew snapped his head toward Jason. “See? I told you. I am not the only one.”
Meanwhile, the passenger stupidly reached into the console and pulled out a massive revolver.
Katie’s eyes flashed, and she dropped to the ground with her prisoner as the passenger began firing wildly in her direction. Katie put the tip of her boot in front of her prisoner’s crotch and hissed, “Move an inch, and you won’t have your manhood in prison, my friend.”
She launched herself high, flipping over the halved car and landing on the ground in front of the passenger door. She ripped the door off and threw it behind her before reaching inside and grabbing the passenger. She dangled him three feet in the air. The guy whimpered for a second, then snarled and shoved his gun at her and pulled the trigger over and over. His revolver just clicked, spent. Katie snatched it from his hands.
She looked at the pistol and tossed it toward the cops before grabbing Tom from her waistband. “You think you’re a big man with a gun? Well, I’m a small bitch with a very, very big gun.”
The passenger put his hands up and swallowed hard, closing his eyes. Katie smirked and grabbed both of his hands in one of hers. She flapped her wings and lifted him, crossing back over the steaming car and landing next to the other criminal. She dropped the passenger on top of his teammate and landed in front of them, and her eyes glowed red as she drew her other gun.
Immediately, the two of them scrambled to their feet and ran toward the cops. They screamed like little girls. “Save us!”
Katie laughed and nodded at the cops as they cuffed the guys, and flew away.
Katie put her feet up on the chair across from her and folded a piece of sausage pizza in half. She took a big bite and set it down, the grease dribbling down her chin. Pandora groaned, smelling the donuts just a foot away. You could at least have some fucking manners and wipe your damn chin.
Katie grabbed the napkin. Can’t you see I’m busy here? Who would have thought? I come in here in full getup, and they give me pizza on the house?
Pandora scoffed. Yeah, because they’re afraid of your ass.
Nah, they just appreciate my service to their city.
And they’re scared of you.
Katie glanced back at the counter toward the two guys watching her nervously. Okay, and they’re scared of me.
You don’t even like pizza. Why aren’t you eating the donuts?
Katie frowned. I like pizza. I’m just usually trying to get you to stop bitching. It’s all dicks and balls and murder until I shove a donut in your mouth. This time you can wait a hot minute.
The door to the pizza place opened, and Detectives Shultz and Travers walked in. Pandora groaned. Great, now they’re going to take up valuable donut-eating time. You better not stop eating just because they’re here.
Calm down, Satan. I got this.
Pandora snorted. As if. I would not be in this dive if I were Satan. I’d be franchising Krispy Kremes in hell.
It would take some damn strong air conditioning to keep them from melting. Katie looked at the detectives and smiled, taking her feet off the chair.
“Hey, guys! Have a seat.”
Schultz looked skeptical, but the two men sat down in front of her. She wiped her hands on the napkins and slid a dozen donuts across the table. “I got you guys a twelve-pack to take back to the office. Figured the other guys would appreciate it.”
Travers nodded excitedly, but Schultz remained impartial. “Katie…”
Katie put her hands up and sat up straight in the chair. “Look, I know. But seriously! There was no way I was dicking around at the accident. I attract way too much attention. I figured you would find me here, so here I am.”
Schultz relaxed and chuckled, shaking his head. “We know. You did a good job. Maybe a little less rough next time, but good job.”
Travers shrugged. “I think those sons of bitches got what they had coming to them. Our guy will be in the hospital for a week. Concussion, broken leg, and luckily, that Vietnamese restaurant was closed for renovations.”
Katie grimaced. “Gonna need a lot more renovations than they originally thought.”
Travers waved his hand. “They got insurance.”
Schultz slid a piece of paper across the table along with a pen. “You know the drill. Write your statement and sign the bottom.”
As she wrote, Kati
e noisily chewed her pizza. She re-read her statement and waved the pen at them. “You know, we can find a more efficient way of getting my information.”
Schultz raised a brow. “Yeah?”
Katie finished signing her name and pushed her statement to the detective. “Oh, for sure. I mean, my guy came up with a whole system to detect portals before they open. You don’t think we could figure out something as easy as getting this info without a face to face? Shit, a cell phone could probably solve that problem. I can fax you a fucking John Hancock.”
Schultz laughed. “Better yet, we could get a stamp made of your signature and just stamp the fax.”
Katie wiped pizza grease from her lips and nodded. “I like the way you think, detective. Work smarter, not harder. Now I just gotta figure out how to implement that theory in my work. Some kind of criminal-catching magic with a wave of my finger.”
Pandora cackled. We’re an angel-demon, not Harry Fucking Potter.
Travers reached over and grabbed a donut. “But how does that get us out of the precinct building and into a donut shop?”
“Touché, my friend.” Katie laughed, pointing at Travers.
“We could make it a payment for every time you make us contact you for a statement. You just fly through with boxes of donuts attached to tiny parachutes. We’ll come outside and grab ‘em.” Travers was obviously happy with his plan, but Schultz just stared at him.
Schultz turned back to Katie. “Like cops don’t get enough hell with the donut stigma. All we need is a picture of it raining fucking Krispy Kremes over the precinct. We’ll never live it down.”
Katie picked up a donut and shook it at Schultz. “Yeah, but you’ll be the ones with Krispy Kremes. Bet you a thousand bucks that other cops start sending me tips on things happening around the City. They may hate on you, but they won’t hate on the free donuts.”
Pandora gasped. We could put our superhero symbol on the parachutes.
We don’t have a superhero symbol.
Pandora scoffed. Please, like that would be the toughest thing to come up with. Slut Girl’s symbol could be two huge tits with wings.
Katie choked on her donut. Nope. Not even going to give you a reason. Just no.
She laughed and glanced out the doors right as a guy wearing a plaid shirt, dirty pants, and boots ran toward the entryway. He headed for the doors at full speed, and he had a purse in his hands. Katie dropped her donut. “Son of a bitch stole a damned purse. Fucking get a goddamned job.”
Katie jumped up, grabbed a chair, and dragged it behind her to the door. Schultz’s eyes went wide, and he spun around. “No killing!”
“Blah, blah, blah.” Katie kicked the door open and pushed the chair out on the sidewalk. She watched the guy race toward her. She squinted one eye and stuck her tongue out of her mouth thoughtfully, calculating the trajectory and adjusting her aim. In one fluid motion, she picked the chair up and hurled it down the street. The chair tumbled end over end, arcing through the air. The detectives winced when it hit the thief in the side. Thief and chair tumbled to the ground.
Katie smiled and nodded, brushing her hands off. A little old lady wearing thick glasses ran up and shook Katie’s hand vigorously. “Thanks, honey. You should play for the Mets.” The old lady ran to the thief, grabbed her purse, and proceeded to kick the shit out of the guy with her orthopedic shoes. Katie grimaced and walked back to the cops.
“See, he isn’t hurt.”
The old lady had her fill and walked off. The thief groaned and sat up, cursing at her. He looked around until he found Katie and the detectives inside the pizza place staring at him. He put up his fist and started yelling. “You fucking bitch. What the fuck? You hit me with a goddamned chair! See how tough you are hand-to-hand with me, cunt!”
Pandora perked up. Nope. He said the C-word.
You want?
I want.
Katie glanced at the cops. “Excuse me just a second.”
She kicked the door back open and stomped to the thief. Katie grabbed him by the collar and slammed him back down on the ground. She put a foot on either side of his body and bent over him, their noses touching. Her eyes flashed as she let Pandora take over.
Her voice became a growl. “I’m going to make this really clear. The one who threw the chair? She was the docile one. Me? I’ll grab your nutsack, tie it to my belt, and take you for a little flight. Either you will fall, balls not attached, or you will have to strap those babies to your shoulders to walk around. Now, lie here till my friends come and get you, or you know what’s next.”
The thief’s eyes grew wide. Katie turned and strutted back into the pizza place. Travers and Schultz were already halfway out the door and ran over to take the guy into custody. He looked at the cops, freaked out. “She…her eyes. She’s a… Take me to jail, please.”
Travers chuckled and put the cuffs on him. “Don’t worry, buddy. You’re on your way there.”
As the detectives hauled him off, they waved at Katie. She waved back and gathered her pizza and donuts, ready to go home. She nodded at the Krispy Kreme employees but figured the pizza guys were hiding in terror in the back, which made her laugh. As she exited the shop, a little girl with long dark hair tugged on her mom’s hand. “Mommy, it’s the angel!”
Her mother looked up and smiled broadly. “So it is! Katie is her name.”
The girl wriggled free from her mom and ran up to Katie, tapping her on the leg. “Excuse me. Can you sign an autograph for me? You’re my hero.”
Katie grinned and knelt. “It would be my honor, little lady. What would you like me to sign?”
“Oh.” The little girl looked around.
Katie laughed and ripped a piece of the Krispy Kreme box off. The little girl’s mom walked up and handed her a pen. “Thank you. My daughter loves you. We all do.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet. What’s your name?” Katie asked.
“Abigail,” the little girl proudly proclaimed.
Katie signed the box, To Abigail, Keep flying high and never look back. The angels are on your side. Love, Katie
Pandora snickered. Oh, brother. That makes me want to vomit on myself. You should have signed it, Dear Abigail, the world will eat you whole. Grab a demon and make it your bitch.
Angie grimaced as Katie walked in the door. She muted the television and turned toward her employer. Angie was curled up on the couch with her knees to her chest. “Hey, there. You had quite the eventful evening.”
Katie glanced at the television. The local news was playing cell phone footage of Katie plowing into the car and slicing it in half. There were multiple angles. Katie wrinkled her nose. “Those citizen journalists never let me get away with anything.”
“I think you did a good thing.”
Katie laughed, laying her guns on the table. “Thanks. All in a day’s work. Got a purse snatcher too, but it wasn’t as epic. I tossed a chair at him as he was running. You should have seen his ass topple over. Then an old lady kicked him silly. It was fucking priceless.”
Angie giggled. “That sounds good, but watch this.”
She turned toward the television and backed up the TiVo. She pressed Play, and the shaky video showed Katie flying over the halved car holding the passenger in one hand. Katie leaned forward, squinting at the television. “Wait…did he?”
Angie wailed with laughter, nodding her head. “Yep, he pissed not only on himself, but you can see it splashing on the forehead of the guy beneath him.”
Katie slapped her knee. “How did I miss that? That is amazing shit. I should have put that in my report. Caught assailant, made him piss his pants…and on the other guy’s face.”
Pandora guffawed loudly. God, that is amazing. That right there makes the whole night worth it. They’re going to be sitting in jail covered in that one guy’s pee. People pay money to watch shit like that. Weirdos, but still.
Katie shivered. That’s two girls/one cup kind of shit. That’s disgusting, my friend.
&nbs
p; Hey, I don’t give ‘em the ideas. Humans are freaky creatures. They’ll do anything for fame, money, and an orgasm or two.
Angie clicked off the television, her eyes watering from laughing so hard. “You in for the night?”
Katie leaned back in the chair. “Yep. Done for the night, hopefully.”
Angie looked surprised. “No sexy rendezvous and pass-out session at the local club tonight?”
Katie laughed. “Nah, I’m hanging up my slut shoes for a while. They don’t really fit. They’re Pandora’s, and they’re huge on me.”
Pandora grumped, That was uncalled for.
Chapter Nine
Baal fidgeted with a wide-brimmed black hat as he trekked across the hardened lava toward Moloch. The other demon stood in front of two ironwood chairs and a long table filled with food. Moloch looked over his shoulder as Baal approached. “What the hell is that thing on your head?”
Baal ran a talon across the brim of his hat. “Do you like it? The humans on Earth say it’s all the rage.”
Moloch curled his lip. “You look ridiculous. In fact, you look like that priest mercenary. What was his name?”
Baal’s eyes grew wide. “Damian?”
Moloch nodded. “Yes, that’s the one. Ridiculous bow tie. God-loving idiot.”
Baal shook his finger at Moloch. “He was pretty crafty.”
“Lord Lucifer, please don’t tell me you have an interspecies crush on that man-child.”
Baal looked away, took his hat off, and set it at his feet. “Don’t be stupid.”
Moloch arched an eyebrow. “How did you find one to fit your gigantic head, anyway? It’s the size of ten human heads.”
Baal shrugged indignantly. “They make them special-order in Colorado. What is all this, anyway?”
Moloch clapped his large paws and stood up, putting his back to the table. “We’re going to have some fun today. We’re going to take a little European tour.”
Baal pursed his lips. “Oooh, I love that idea. I’ve always wanted to vacation in Europe. I wouldn’t fit on the trains, though. And forget about any of the Asian countries. I would stick out like a sore thumb.”