by Michael Todd
Katie growled. “I don’t want to do this and have something happen to you. I know Korbin can take care of the base, but we need you long-term. This is just research.”
“Come on, Katie, when is it ever just research?” Calvin could feel her wearing down.
“You have a point. Every time I’ve been to hell I’ve either had to fight something terrible or I’ve been chased out.”
“Wait. You’ve been to hell more than once?” Calvin was confused.
Katie looked around to make sure no one had heard her. “Yeah, but that’s not important. That’s secret agent stuff, top secret shit.”
You’re a terrible secret agent.
Calvin squared his shoulders and stiffened his voice. “Look, this is important, and I feel like I need to be there. The base will get taken care of without me, and you know that.”
He’d be great for the team.
I’m thinking.
And he’d look great in a toga, or one of those leather skirts they wore back in the day.
Katie was silent for several moments before finally giving in. “Fine. Good lord. But you have to do what I tell you, and if I tell you to get out, you get out. Understand?”
“Yes!”
Yes! Toga! Toga! Toga! Cross my Rubicon! Invade my Gaul!
Katie rolled her eyes, but she was secretly feeling better now that her partner was going to be there with her. “Get ahold of Angie and have her handle the plane. She’s the only one outside of this base who knows where you’re going. If she questions it, tell her she can call me, but she might not get a signal. I can’t believe you talked me into this.”
Calvin chortled. “I told you from the beginning, Katie. We’re a team, and that means if you go to hell, then I am going to be right there beside you, no questions asked.”
Katie nodded. “All the way to hell, huh? That’s a big thing to do for a friend.”
“Please, you know you’re my family. You jump, I jump, Rose.”
Pandora growled. That’s my line.
Katie shook her head. Yeah, except only one person made it to the end of that movie.
Chapter Fifteen
The screeching sound of a gate opening in the forest echoed through the tree line. Gentle waves of snow trickled down as Moloch poked his head out and looked around, ruining the peaceful scene. He shivered and wrapped his arms around his big body before he climbed through the gate and let it shut behind him.
He stood there for a moment, steam rising from his body. “Great. I’m in a fucking winter wonderland.” He glanced down at his horrible nether regions “All right. Let’s get this over with before the boys freeze the fuck off.”
He tiptoed across the ground, jumping with each step as if the ground were hot to the touch. Anybody watching would have thought he was in burning pain. He found a large log on the edge of the mountain cliff and brushed the snow off. Moloch took a seat and rubbed his hands together, his knees shaking.
Moloch had been watching the frost giant from the warmth of his office in hell, but he decided this particular creature needed a personal touch. It was necessary for him to come here and wait for the giant to emerge the rest of the way. The vibrations in the ground beneath Moloch’s taloned feet let him know that the giant was close. It was freezing cold outside, and he bounced his legs up and down, listening to the pounding and cracking of the ice below.
Moloch rolled his eyes. His horns were already accumulating snow, giving him a white crown. He was so over the cold wind whipping across the mountain and the constant dusting of ice crystals falling from the tree branches over his head. “Come on, you big frozen bitch, get up and get moving. I don’t have all day. I’m going to fucking freeze to death out here.”
Moloch thought he was talking to himself, which made him jump even harder when a booming voice came from over the edge of the mountain. “It would take a thick-skinned demon like yourself a very long time to actually freeze to death, Moloch.”
Moloch jumped to his feet and grinned a sharp-toothed grin. “Old friend, good to see you’re up and moving around! I’ve been keeping tabs on you from my office and figured I’d come and welcome you back to the land of the living.” Moloch spoke in demon, a language of guttural utterances and wet, snotty growls. English wasn’t really in the frost giant’s vocabulary.
A large hand pushed through the snow and slammed onto the ground in front of Moloch. He watched as a twelve-foot Leviathan pulled himself from the snow and onto his feet. His large, scaled body was blue with enormous icicles hanging from his chin like ornaments. His bright red eyes narrowed as he looked at Moloch.
Moloch backed up a bit as steam blew from the beast’s nose. The frost giant bent down on one knee and glared at Moloch. “So basically, you’ve known I’ve been struggling to get free for days, but instead of coming to help me, you watched from afar? Please, Moloch, tell me what was so important that you weren’t able to come here and help me out of that frozen tundra?”
Moloch laughed nervously. “World domination? No? Really, I thought I would get in the way. I didn’t want to mess up your efforts. It helps warm the blood, and you’ve been sleeping a very long time… in a freezer, no less. Don’t you feel better, now that you were able to stretch it all out like that?”
The frost giant growled, and the mountain shook. Snow rained on Moloch’s head. The frost giant poked Moloch with a frozen finger. “Why does it not surprise me that you haven’t changed? You’re still the arrogant asshole I’ve known for centuries.”
“At least I’m reliable.”
The frost giant pulled a tree from the ground and began stripping branches off. “So what is this all about? You’ve woken me, and I’ve discovered I don’t like the waking world. Speak.”
Moloch shivered on his stump. “Well, Baal and I are working on taking over the world. We’re tired of the cramped space below, and we want to branch out. We haven’t been doing that bad, actually. We’re causing some decent chaos, using strategy and everything. The angels haven’t really interfered with us at all. I thought by now they would have put together some sort of huge attack, but they have pretty much stayed out of it. So we’re free to fight the battle with the humans.”
The frost giant sneered. “They always did wait until the last second to make their grand entrance. Very dramatic.” He finished clearing branches from his tree and began stripping the dark bark off, revealing white wood underneath.
“There is one angel, though. She’s actually not even a full angel, but she’s been giving us hell, pardon the pun. I guess she’s technically half-angel and half-demon. Well, that’s not entirely accurate either. She is half-angel and Pandora.”
“Pandora?”
“Lilith. The bitch is fighting for the humans.” Moloch lowered his head as the frost giant’s eyes grew wide. He roared and swung his newly fashioned club over Moloch’s head. Moloch ducked quickly, avoiding the club, and it slammed into a row of trees. The trees cracked and fell, sending clouds of snow into the air. Moloch shuddered as it slid down his neck.
The frost giant breathed heavily and angrily, staring at Moloch. “Why is that bitch always a problem? I hate her. I always have. She’s always in the way of every good plan.”
Moloch scoffed. “Tell me about it. She killed her brother T’Chezz. Oh yeah, chopped his head right off with a sword she got from the angels. Yeah. An angel sword. No shit. She came to hell and saved a human. It’s fucking crazy, right? Now she’s fighting for the humans with her meat sack angel body. She’s always been a needy bitch.”
The frost giant let out a deep sigh. He used his claws to shave the tip of his club down, giving it a crude point. “What is this new world like? Is it different than the last time I was here?”
Moloch looked at him like he was crazy. “Dude, it’s been centuries.”
He shrugged. “The humans weren’t very bright last time I was here.”
Moloch snorted. “Things have changed, my friend. They built huge cities, polluted the Earth,
invented all kinds of technology. It’s nuts.”
The frost giant looked at him, unimpressed. “And women? Are there still lots of women?”
Moloch looked around them atop a huge mountain. “Well, there are none up here, but down in the cities, they’re everywhere.”
“Are these cities crowded?”
Moloch nodded, blowing warm air into his hands. He cupped his warm hands over his crotch. “Shit yeah. The cities are so crowded they can barely walk next to each other. Easy targets for a big demon, but they come in numbers. That can suck for us sometimes.”
“What about weapons? Still shooting with arrows and bows?”
Moloch furled his brow and blinked. “No, dude. They not only have missiles, guns, bombs, and grenades, but they have nuclear and hydrogen bombs. Crazy shit. I wish I’d thought of it. They held nothing back when it came to weapons. They were at war with each other, and now they’ve turned their attention to us. They also have special metal that severely injures demons.” Moloch pointed to the frost giant’s crude spear. “I don’t think that’s going to cut it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Special metal. It’s a bitch.”
The frost giant considered his spear, then snapped it in two. “What about language? Icelandic? Slavic?” He started to shave the other end of the spear into a point.
“Uh, no. Almost everyone speaks English where we’re going, but there are a plethora of other languages out there. Hundreds of different languages, really, but English is definitely high on the list. They still haven’t deciphered our language, except for when the bitch, Lilith, is involved.” Moloch snarled, feeling the anger inside the Leviathan filling him too.
The frost giant held up his two new spears. “There! Two!”
Moloch sighed. “I really didn’t sell the special metal like I should have. Spears are old-school. You’re going to need to think a bit more like a human, here.”
The giant tossed his spears to the ground. “Well, I guess I can’t go walking around like this then.”
Moloch looked at him with sorrow. “No, friend, that would be a dead giveaway.”
The frost giant stood up and cracked his knuckles. His eyes sparkled and glimmered, blue energy crackling around him. The frost giant’s body began to shrink smaller and smaller until he was the same size as an average human male. Moloch nodded, impressed, until his eyes landed on the man’s naked lower half.
The frost giant rolled his shoulders and neck, getting comfortable. “Now I am ready to conquer these pissant humans.”
Moloch put his fingers to his lips and then pointed. He stopped himself and pressed his fingers to his lips again. The frost giant rolled his eyes and put his hands out. “What is it now?”
Moloch gestured to the frost giant’s dong.
“What? Have men lost their dicks now?”
“No. I just think it might be a good idea if you got some clothes before you try and conquer anything. They value a bit of modesty now.” Moloch tried to hide a smirk.
The giant waved his hands in disgust. “These humans and their issues. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. We started with no clothes, went to fully dressed, back to barely any clothes, and now it’s suddenly rude to walk around as nature intended. Whatever. I will get these clothes, but then I’m building my army again. I’m going to take over Europe.”
Moloch put his hands on his hips. “I hate to tell you this, but you can’t have all of Europe. I’ve put in work. I want to be a Lord.”
“But I’m a lord, or at least I was,” the giant grumbled angrily.
Moloch narrowed his eyes. “What’s in a name? Lord? Frost giant? Leviathan? Just names. Now things have changed. You have to fucking share. You were never any good at that.”
The giant looked at him like he was going to explode. “Fine, whatever, we share. But I get Schwyz, Uri, and Unterwalden.”
Moloch nodded and smiled appraisingly. “Good choice, Switzerland. That’s what they call it now. I understand the women are particularly attractive.”
The giant eyed him and laughed. “You not like?”
Moloch shrugged. “Can’t live with them, can’t eat them when they piss you off. They give you indigestion, alive or dead.”
The giant curled his lip. “You never did like the human women much. Except of course when you were in the human body here on Earth. Then you didn’t mind them so much. Of course, you would kill them anytime they got on your nerves.”
Moloch sighed. “They can be so damn needy. No, I don’t want to give you children. No, I don’t want to hold your damn human hand. Yes, I absolutely expect to be fed small live animals and human heads whenever I snap my fingers. That’s the one that always got them.”
The giant chuckled. “I remember that one girl, long ago. You walked into the house and poured out your sack full of human heads and announced, ‘Dinner is served!’ The sounds of her screams could be heard for miles.”
Moloch and the giant both laughed, shutting it down quickly, remembering they really didn’t like each other too much. The giant’s eyes flashed for a moment. “I remember you tried to take my countries. You were always jealous of me.”
Moloch choked on his own spit. “Jealous? Come now. You know I’m never jealous. It may be a demon thing, but it never got me. I’m sorry you were weak.”
The giant stood up angrily, clenching his fists. Moloch slapped his shoulder like they were old friends. “Just busting your balls. Things will be different this time. We’ll share, and everything will work out for the best.”
The giant gave him a sideways glance. “We will see. For now, I’m going down to start on building my country. It takes a lot of work, and I have slept far too long.”
Moloch looked over the edge. “You’re just going to walk down the mountain buck ass naked?”
The giant growled. “Why not? Who fucking cares?”
Moloch shrugged. “Just sayin’. It’s a different world now.”
The giant smiled slowly. He pointed to Moloch’s crotch. “Have demons lost their dicks, too?”
Moloch balked. “It’s very cold out here.”
Without warning, the frost giant punched Moloch hard in the chest. He flew up off the ground and back into the trees. The giant could hear the echo of crunching limbs as the demon crashed through the forest and tumbled over the side of the mountain. Moloch’s voice rang out with every roll and every smash into a rock. “Fucking Leviathan… Ow! Icy prick… Fuck! Son of a bitch… Ouch.”
The giant grabbed his stomach and started laughing hysterically. With every curse and every crunch, the Leviathan lost it just a little more. He cupped his hands and shouted to Moloch, “That’s for tricking me in Norseland!”
He shook his head happily and headed down the mountain. The cold did not bother him, and he was quick on his feet. Over the curves and cliffs, around the trees, he moved with ease. He paused as he reached a hiking thoroughfare. He waited, crouching in the snow until he saw two hikers coming down the trail. It was a man and a woman. They didn’t see him coming at all. He ran through the woods and leaped high into the air. He grinned as he landed right in front of them.
“Woah, dude, put some clothes on,” the guy blurted out, putting his hand up to cover his eyes.
The frost giant shook his head from side to side. “The thing is, I don’t have any. So. I will kill you and take yours. Thank you.”
The guy looked shocked. “What the fuck? Who the hell are you?”
The frost giant jumped forward and grabbed the guy’s head and twisted hard. There was a wet snap as his neck broke. The frost giant dropped him to the snow. “I am Juntto, your future ruler.”
The woman screamed loudly and dropped her pack. She ran through the snow, falling and sliding as she tried to get away. Juntto sighed and walked quickly forward, moving faster than any human possibly could. He grabbed the woman by the arm. She turned and slugged him hard in the face, breaking her hand on his ice-chiseled chin. She screamed at her ruin
ed hand and began to cry. She brought a knee up into his groin and broke her leg on his frosty junk. She struggled, and he attempted to wrap his arms around her. They fought back and forth for several moments.
Finally, Juntto simply grabbed her arm and tossed her over the side of the mountain. “Too much trouble.”
He turned and walked to the hiker. He realized he didn’t know how these new clothes were fastened or hooked or whatever. He snarled and waved his hand, transferring the hiker’s clothes to his own body. Juntto was now dressed in a plaid shirt, snow pants, and a heavy jacket. It wasn’t at all like the last time he was there. He changed his body to fit the clothes, a bit more in the belly, a bit less in the shoulders. His face melted and twisted to look more like the hiker. He swirled his hand around his head, shortening his hair. It became black except for one prominent strand of silver.
The strand fell in his face, and he pushed the lock of hair back. “Damn rules. Always just one strand of silver.”
Back in hell, a large gate opened back in Moloch’s castle. The demon stepped through with an irritated look on his face. The snow on his shoulders and horns instantly steamed off of him from the heat of hell. He stood there for a moment, reveling in the scalding air.
Moloch raised a hand, and the gate slammed shut behind him. “Motherfucker. He had to be an asshole, not that I didn’t fucking deserve it.”
He continued to mumble and curse as he walked toward the fireplace. He brushed his arms, pulling branches free and yanking twigs from between his scales. He grumbled angrily as he snapped the branches in half and tossed them into the fire. The flames sparked and grew, the souls in the pit of the fire screaming out in agony.
Moloch looked down at the souls as the last bit of snow evaporated from the top of his head. “Oh, you think you’re upset. You didn’t fall straight down a goddamn mountain.”
He shook his whole body and growled, stomping his foot and shaking the furniture in the room. He put both of his large, taloned hands on the fireplace mantle and leaned his head down, letting the heat of the fire warm him. Moloch hated the cold more than almost everything, except for Juntto and maybe Lilith.