by Michael Todd
Calvin raised his eyebrow. “If it’s all the same to the two of you, I’m against the idea of dying out here altogether. I’ve had enough close calls during my lifetime. I think I want a nice, slow walk off. Easy score.
Brock nodded toward the demons. “Well, that bastard right there isn’t going to let us out of this one with our hands intact. He’s a fast fucker.”
Calvin pulled his weapon up and fired. “Move forward and blow that motherfucker to pieces! Hold the line as long as you can, and for fuck’s sake, aim at the fucking head.”
The three of them moved forward several steps, their fingers steadily pressing the triggers of their guns. Bullets sprayed out as the fastest of the demons lunged forward, making it to them in a hurry. Calvin pulled the trigger on his weapon until it clicked empty. “Oh, shit.” He dropped his weapon and crouched, pulling a knife from his belt. The demon launched itself at him and Calvin dove for his knees. He stuck the knife into scaly flesh and pulled it through, nearly severing the leg. The demon howled, then stumbled forward and knocked Calvin to the dirt.
Brock stood up and lifted his gun. “Motherfucker, you are mine.”
He ran at the demon, taking his time and firing three quick shots. His bullets penetrated the demon’s scales—one in its shoulder, one in its neck, and the last went right through the demon’s eye. It fell in a cloud of ash at Brock’s feet. He swung his gun around onto his back and grabbed a long rucksack. “Calvin’s got a good idea. Close quarters, boys.”
Brock opened the rucksack and yanked a sword out. The blade shimmered in the red light of hell.
Turner couldn’t hide his surprise. “Where the fuck did he get that badass thing?”
“I brought it just in case.” Brock turned as a small, lanky demon screamed and ran at him, leaping over their bullets.
He raised the sword high over his head and let it come down quickly, chopping the demon’s head off his shoulders. It turned to dust at his feet. Brock pointed the sword at the crowd of onrushing demons. “You think you’re tough, but look who’s going to kick your ass right here on your own territory. Me, motherfuckers.”
Turner ran up next to Brock and held his rifle ready. “That was some bad shit there, brother. I— Oh, shit.”
Coming up over the hill were dozens of small demons, making haste to get to them before the big-ass demon in the back arrived.
Calvin holstered his knife and pulled up his rifle. He reloaded and fell in with the others. “Well, boys. It looks like we’re gonna see some fucking action now.”
Back by the equipment, Tattoos watched the timer tick down while his teammate focused his rifle on the huge demon coming toward them.
“Big fucker coming.”
Tattoos shrugged. “We got a clock to watch.”
“We shouldn’t help?”
“It’s pretty far out, and we’re watching this clock. Helpful as a motherfucker.”
“Right.”
Tattoos peered into the distance, measuring the demon. “But if that big bastard gets close, we fuck it up, right?”
“Fuck, yeah.”
The tattooed soldier gave him a thumbs-up and went back to watching the timer.
Chapter Twenty-One
“For mankind,” Turner said, staring at the demons rushing.
“For my brothers.” Brock nodded, and they took off toward the hordes.
Calvin gripped his gun tightly, rushing with them and firing into the crowd of demons. He plowed right into them, firing right and left, taking down demon after demon.
Brock gripped his sword with both hands. “Come on, fuckers, show me what you got. I’ve been waiting for this.”
A demon lunged for him and he swung his sword, taking its head off. Before it had even hit the ground, another jumped at him. Then another, and another, and another. They piled on top of Brock, scratching and snarling. One by one he threw them to the ground, slashing his sword again and again, separating heads from necks. He grabbed the last scrambling demon off his back and held it in front of him by the neck. His eyes were gleaming red.
Brock squeezed the demon’s throat hard. “You think you’re so tough, but you’re nothing but disgust and sin.”
He stabbed the demon through the body and pulled his sword back out, splashing black oozing blood across his helmet.
Calvin and Turner ran out together, blasting their M16s into the horde. One after another the demons went down, but more swarmed forward. They were tearing at the guys’ suits, fucking them up and causing burns on their skin. Calvin shot the last of his bullets and flipped the gun over to swing at an oncoming demon, knocking his head back.
Turner laughed and quickly crouched and shot the beast in the throat, turning him to ash. “That was pretty badass, I won’t lie.”
A demon screamed and leaped at Calvin, and he pulled his knife and jammed it under the demon’s chin. The thing howled and began to wither, but not before it raked its claws across the forearm of Calvin’s suit. It scratched a long hole in the fabric, and Calvin winced, grabbing at it. His skin sizzled under the heat, and his eyes glowed even redder.
“You good?”
Calvin growled and launched into the horde of demons, taking his anger out on them.
Turner found Brock in the chaos. “That fucker’s crazy.”
“He’s got the right idea, though.” Brock pulled two small knives out of his belt and handed them to Turner. “Here. Go nuts, bro.”
Turner smiled, looking at the sharp blades. “What will you fight with?”
Brock held his long sword in front of him with a mischievous grin. Turner rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, the sword from the Sword in the Stone. I forgot.”
The guys laughed and began to slash at the demons. Turner ran full speed at a medium-sized one, suddenly dropping to his knees and sliding right between its legs. He slashed the beast in its thighs and jumped, turning in mid-air and cutting it across the throat. The demon fell and turned to ash. Turner looked at the knives, impressed by his own skills. “Well, I’ll be damned. I’m pretty good with these fucking things.”
Just then, Brock screamed loudly as he flew through the air in front of Turner, slicing three demons’ heads off with one swipe. He landed and held the sword up, kissing the blade and wagging his eyebrows at Turner. “I’m pretty damn good, too.”
Turner just stared at him. “Always got to one-up someone.”
Behind them, Tattoos cupped his hand and yelled, “Two minutes!” He turned to his teammate. “Right?”
“Yep. Two minutes. You’re a great announcer, by the way.”
“Thanks, bro.” Tattoos pound his shoulder.
Turner ripped his knives free of a demonic corpse and watched the thing turn to ash. “I’d say ‘See you in hell, boys,’ but we’re already here.”
Brock chuckled and slapped him on the shoulder before running off to continue fighting.
Katie stayed perched on her boulder, watching the large demon draw closer. A smaller demon scrambled up the boulder, and she shot it easily. It was ash before it hit the ground.
Katie squinted, looking at the big guy. I don’t think we have enough time before lard ass gets here.
It’s Pugluzz. I think. Maybe not, I don’t remember Pugluzz being that tall.
Whoever it is, that asshole could fuck all of us with one swipe of his hand.
How about Fucknuts? That’s a good name.
I like it. Let’s go fuck up Fucknuts.
She looked at the guys fighting and holstered her gun. “Stand tall!” She leaped from the rock and landed in a roll, then took off toward Fucknuts at superhuman speed.
The giant demon made huge strides toward the group but paused, watching as the little human started coming his way. He wasn’t used to them running toward him. They always ran from him.
Katie pumped her arms, breathing heavily. You want in or out on this one?
Pandora replied cautiously, Why?
Because I’m going to have to go all angel to beat th
is fucker. He’s too big, and I am way too fragile in this environment to play around with his ass. I need to get everyone out of harm’s way. I can’t let Fucknuts over there make it through the portal when it opens. The guys on the inside wouldn’t stand a chance, not even for a second.
Pandora growled, Do I need to remind you that we’re trying to stay inconspicuous?
What’s less conspicuous, an angel with wings and a sword or the queen of hell?
Pandora thought about it for a moment. Considering the gossip, probably the angel but only by a hair. I still think this is a bad idea. We’re basically calling for Moloch and the others to send all their troops.
Katie pumped her arms faster. I’m pretty sure they know we’re here by now. Even if they don’t, we’ll be done and back home before they have a chance to send more demons. They’re fast, but not that fast. Think about how long it took these to get here. Fucknuts may be closing in, but he moves at a glacial pace comparatively.
You try carrying around a three-ton dick and balls and see how fast you move. Pandora started laughing before she even got the sentence out.
Katie grimaced, her eyes falling on the beast’s swinging tackle. Everyone thinks that demons eating people are what horror movie shit is about, but personally, I will spend the rest of my life trying to get the image of his dick out of my head.
Pandora focused through Katie’s vision. Sheesh, Fucknuts is packing. Just think of it as a large swinging bell.
A bell? Like a hot-dog-shaped bell or a snake ringing a bell? What are we talking about here?
Pandora sneered. Okay, you just officially made me want to vomit all over your insides. I will never eat a hot dog again, and this is coming from someone who likes hot dogs of all shapes and sizes. But not that shape and size. If I ever come back here, I’m starting a business that sells enormous pants, and every demon is going to be required to wear a pair.
Katie smiled. I just made hell a little more civilized. I have done my duty in this world.
You tricked me with your evil human-angel-demon-hybrid ways. That’s starting to get way too long to say. Don’t add to that shit, or I’m going to start calling you Katie the Mutt.
Katie ignored the comment as she grew closer to Fucknuts. It’s you then, right?
Pandora cracked her neck. It’s me.
They both went silent and Katie slowed her pace, waiting on Pandora. After a couple of awkward moments and Pandora whistling, she cleared her throat loudly. So are you going to pull me out or what?
Katie smiled. Well, I thought since you climbed back in on your own, you could get back out on your own.
Pandora sniffed as Fucknuts and his scrambling horde came closer. Thought you didn’t see that.
Katie stopped and crossed her arms. Seriously? You crawled inside my body. I would have had to be dead not to notice that. It isn’t the most covert thing. And you stepped on my liver when you came in. It felt bruised for a while. Still kind of stiff.
Okay, okay, I get it. Pandora braced herself and stepped out of Katie’s body. Katie felt like she was being turned inside out and ripped apart, and then it was over. Pandora stood before her, a sleek, demonic beauty. Katie examined her suit and found it undamaged.
Pandora shook her head, rattling away the fogginess that came with being very recently reborn. She reached her arms over her head and stretched, taking a deep breath and holding it while she cracked her back. She let out her breath and bounced on her heels, making sure all her jiggly parts still jiggled. “Fuck, yeah. Still got it.” She grinned toothily and smacked her fist into her palm. “Okay, dickweeds, Momma’s back.”
Pandora took off into the crowd of demons between her and Fucknuts. Her claws were razor-sharp and cut right through the necks of the lesser demons. She grabbed a small demon’s head and ripped it off his shoulders. She was quicker than them, and dozens of demons fell to her within a matter of seconds. She moved so fast that all the confused demons saw was a streak of color, and all they could hear was the crunching of bones and tearing of flesh.
Fucknuts stopped to watch the carnage. He narrowed his eyes and jumped back in surprise, realizing that the queen of hell was before him, and she wasn’t on his side.
“This one’s for you, you warty-dicked motherfucker!” Pandora locked eyes with Fucknuts as she grabbed a medium-sized demon by his head and ripped it clean from his shoulders, spraying blood everywhere.
Pandora rolled her eyes. “Come on, I’ve had my skin back for like ten minutes, and I get something on it.”
Another demon walked up and hissed at Pandora, spraying spittle on her cheek. She wiped her face and stared back with bright red eyes. She pulled her hand back and let it fly, smacking the demon as hard as she could across the cheek. The demon’s eyes bulged as she connected, there was a loud crack, and his head flew off his shoulders.
Pandora looked at her hand and the body falling to the ground in front of her. “Damn. My pimp hand is strong. I completely forgot what kind of power I have when I’m kicking ass in hell. That was fucking sweet!”
Katie felt a bit lighter, and her body picked up its amped effects. A demon charged at her, and in a smooth motion she holstered her gun and grabbed her knife. She flipped her arm up, bent at the elbow. The demon ran face-first into the blade and fell, turning to dust at her feet. She wiped the blade on her pants without even looking at the demon and put it back in its sheath.
Pandora called, “Katie, did you see that badass slap? I knocked his head at least three hundred yards.”
Katie pulled Tom and fired a few quick rounds. A demon’s head exploded into ash. “So you’re a champion demon golfer?”
Pandora snapped her fingers. “You know what? That would be a badass sport. I would be really fucking good at it. I have good aim and everything. I mean, I could go on a tour all over hell and beat all the old misogynistic demons.”
Katie cracked her neck and wiped the blood off her suit, the heat pulsating against her hand. It was hella hot down there, and without Pandora, she could feel the heat getting to her. She pulled out Harry and pointed it at a charging demon. The large bullet exploded from the chamber and flew through the air, going straight through the demon’s head.
Katie looked at the barrel of the gun and smirked. “Huh, it’s nice when I’m the one who’s got your back and not the other way around. I can kind of sit back and relax back here, taking demons out right and left.”
Pandora growled as she ripped a demon in half and then stared at Katie with her hands on her hips. “Moving a little faster might prolong life, though. You’re backup, not second string. You can’t just sit this one out.”
Katie performed a double-take as Pandora flipped through the air to land on a demon’s shoulders, snapping its neck. Her skin glistened as she dropped to the ground and leaped up and her huge breasts bounced around wildly, knocking a couple of demons in the face.
Katie rubbed her own breasts, wondering if that had hurt her. “Do you always run around naked here? I feel like too many flips, twists, and turns and you’re going to end up with some serious chafing. I mean, with an ass like that I’d probably want to flaunt it too, but hell’s bells, girl!”
Pandora laughed as she broke a demon’s neck. “Aren’t you the cute little angel, bringing your taboos to hell with you? It’s hell, honey. We don’t really have rules here. And what would you like me to do? Stop fighting demons and grab some clothes? By the time I got back, you would be dead and it would be all over.”
Katie smashed the butt of her gun into the skull of a demon and kicked him hard. “It’s not my delicate sensibilities. It’s jealousy, bitch.” She shot the demon in the face and watched his ashes blow away. “And I am a little tougher than you think.”
Katie snapped her fingers as she had seen Timothy do a hundred times. Pandora threw her head back and bellowed. She was laughing so hard that she screwed up the spell she had been working on. Energy shimmered around her. Immediately, she jumped toward Katie and shielded her.
“Fuck!” Pandora yelled as a loud explosion of light blasted outward from behind her, taking down rows and rows of demons.
She slowly lifted her head and looked around. “Huh.”
Katie was under Pandora, the demon’s tit dangerously close to her face. “Huh, what?”
“I just fucked up that spell because you made me laugh, and it turned out better than the original would have. I did not see that coming.”
Katie smirked. “You’re welcome?”
“No! Stop making me laugh. But seriously, that was funny as shit. Good joke.”
Katie tried to move away from Pandora’s encroaching boob, but she was pinned. “Uh, excuse me?
Pandora looked down. “Yeah?”
Katie pointed at the boob almost rubbing her cheek. “Could you move your tits before you put my goddamned eye out?”
Pandora stood up. “Oh, sorry about that. They’ve got a mind of their own.”
The radio on Katie’s headset crackled, and Calvin’s voice spoke to her. “Katie, the test is done. We gotta get out of here before we become toe jam to that huge-ass bastard.”
Katie looked at Pandora. “Got to go, Pandora. We need an exit plan. As much as I’m enjoying your nude gymnastic display in front of the backdrop of a giant swinging dick, I want to get out of hell. The guys look pretty beat up back there and are going to need medical attention. What’s the plan?”
Pandora looked over her shoulder at Katie and winked. “How about an ass the size of a car?” Pandora put her hands to her sides and grinned.
“Okay, really. We need a…” Katie closed her mouth. Something was wrong. Pandora was getting taller. Katie watched with wide eyes as Pandora grew larger and larger until she was face to face with Fucknuts. Katie had to crane her neck to look up at Pandora. Her huge ass cast a shadow over the entire valley.