by Ellis Major
Neither Geoff nor Charlie were especially strong swimmers and, although the dinghy suddenly seemed a rather small place to be confined with some sort of maniac, neither felt that inclined to take their chances in the briney. Given he had thus far not exhibited any inclination to violence, they thought it best to steer the conversation onto more neutral ground, so they chatted about the weather for as long as possible, storms that Jim might have experienced in the past and so on.
This kept them going for the relatively short space of time it took for a search and rescue helicopter to appear and the racket it kicked up meant that normal conversation was impossible – something of a relief really. The noise was such the Charlie almost missed the call from Lance. Lance wanted to let him know that the helicopter had spotted them. This was not terribly useful given that it was already blindingly obvious to the occupants of the dinghy, who were being drenched with the spray generated by the downdraught. It was more, however, a great relief to learn that a lifeboat was on its way and should be picking them up within half an hour or so. It was, apparently, considered easier to do that than winch them onboard the helicopter.
The helicopter continued to clatter overhead throughout the arrival of the lifeboat, but dipped its nose and disappeared as soon as they were rescued. Charlie and Geoff waved their dutiful thanks for their soaking.
The lifeboat men, dolled up to the nines in all kinds of fluorescent gear, promptly started hopping around on one leg shouting ‘Ooh, arrr, Jim Ladd’ and then laughing like they’d cracked the funniest joke in the Universe.
Jim Ladd assumed a rather pained and long suffering expression whilst the performance continued
“You know these guys then?” Charlie asked Jim.
He nodded noncommittally. “They’ve picked me up once or twice.”
Once they’d all been ushered below and wrapped in baking foil, and Jim had been taken away, the Bos’n revealed all.
“Have to keep him locked up,” the Bos’n explained. “He’s a kleptomaniac. He loves shiny things and all kinds of little bits of gear will end up in his pockets. So he just ran you up here when you asked him did he?”
“Yes,” Charlie said. “It would have been great if there’d been enough fuel. We’re in a bit of a hurry.”
“Oh, so I understand, gents,” the Bos’n replied with a grin. “Hear that.”
Geoff and Charlie listened politely. The noise was thunderous but it didn’t mean a great deal.
“That,” the Bos’n told them proudly. “Is the sound of our engines at full throttle. Your Lance has promised us an extremely generous donation in return for our getting you back at maximum speed and dropping you off a bit short of the little reception committee that’s waiting for you.
“Reception committee?” Charlie wondered.
“Yes, the owner of the boat you just lost is very pissed off. The boys in blue are waiting to clap you in irons.”
“But it’s Jim Ladd who did this,” Geoff protested.
“The owner says he saw three people on the boat and he has some powerful friends,” the Bos’n told them. “I don’t suppose you spotted him hopping up and down on the jetty as you were leaving. The harbour master told everyone it was a bit of a laugh. He said he’s never seen anyone with a face that purple before.”
“No, we didn’t notice anyone with a purple face,” admitted Charlie. “We were too busy looking out of the front end.”
“Well, he had a group of his mates with him and he was all set to show off to them. The boat was brand new. He really wants the book thrown at you. Now I can see how Jim took you in, but the boys in blue have a job to do. You’ll get bail, no doubt, but it will be too late. By the way, you can both swim can’t you?”
They nodded.
“Good, because you are going to need to swim a short distance to get to your Lance. You see, I can’t be seen to be letting you get away, but if you make a jump for it when my back is turned, not much I can do about it, is there. We’ll still have Jim, who is the main man. If you want to make it right later, you can, but if you want to get to your wedding, take my word for it and jump when I tell you. It’s about fifty yards you’ll need to swim and I’ll take my time noticing you’ve gone and turning around.”
“What a sporting man you are,” Charlie cried. “We are going to come back down when this is all over and thank you properly.”
The Bos’n grinned. “You’ll know where to find us, but don’t come back too soon. The boys in blue are likely to be suspicious enough without two strangers turning up in a fortnight and buying us all drinks.”
“Mum’s the word,” Charlie confirmed, tapping his nose.
“Just you get there and keep them all happy,” the Bos’n told them. “It doesn’t do to keep a lady waiting. My wife’s going to give me hell for getting called out this morning and missing lunch with her mother.”
“Every cloud and all that,” Charlie smiled.
“You said ‘morning’,” Geoff asked the Bos’n hopefully. “Is it still morning?”
The Bos’n glanced at his watch. “Just before twelve,” he said. “We’ll be there in a few minutes. You should be alright. It’s a fairly fast run up to London and I haven’t heard any reports of major traffic problems on the roads.”
Shortly before the time came for their plunge, Charlie and Geoff saw Lance, with the Bentley nearby, on a small slipway. On the word, they jumped into the water, to the accompaniment of confused shouts and a very bodged attempt at recapture. In no time, they were sprinting up the slipway and Lance was in the car with the engine running.
“Bloody freezing,” shouted Charlie. “But we’re on the mainland and the car’s waiting. It’s a bit of a game isn’t it?”
They dived into the back of the Bentley and Lance pulled swiftly away. Lance, wary of damaging Kali’s upholstery, had covered it with blankets and a plentiful supply of towels.
“Gentlemen, good afternoon,” he greeted them. “RNLI did the business; salt of the Earth those guys.”
“Salt of the Earth, indeed,” Charlie confirmed. “Fancy that Jim having nicked the boat, though, without enough petrol. That’s going to cost a penny or two to sort out.”
“Time to worry about that later,” Geoff told him. “What news Lance?”
“It seems likely that your Best Men will remain marooned in Calais,” he informed them. “It appears that no tickets can be had for love nor money now they’ve missed their slot.” He paused and sniffed. “The tossers are in no hurry to get back anyway.”
“I should think they’re scared of you Lance,” Charlie told him.
“Too fucking right,” Lance responded. “I swear if they’ve fucked this up I am going to kill someone.”
Geoff glanced nervously at Charlie. Lance sounded as if he really meant it and they both knew how capable he was.
“Suits are on the front seat,” Lance growled after a moment “Your top hats are safely in the boot. Your watches are on the rear parcel shelf.”
It was twelve fifteen, Charlie noted, as they finished dressing.
“Lance, you didn’t by any chance get an opportunity to grab any food, did you?” Charlie, now comfortably ensconced in the Bentley, was starting to feel the pangs of hunger.
Lance grunted. He’d stopped at some traffic lights and so was able to lean across and pass them a small box. “There you go.”
“Lance, you’re a genius,” Charlie was full of congratulations.
“Planning,” Lance told him, propelling the Bentley away from the lights at speed. “You don’t plan to fail, you fail to plan. Now guys, if I may suggest, you refresh yourselves I will concentrate on the driving. No need for alarm yet, but we need to move along.”
Under Lance’s skilful control, Kali cleared Portsmouth and purred up the motorway as Charlie and Geoff partook of a light lunch.
Thereafter, the nervous grooms checked their watches regularly but were reassured. The time seemed to be passing slowly whilst the car was moving quickly. The
miles ticked by. Lance was pushing along as fast as he dared. Kali urged him to release her but he resisted. He pointed out, for her benefit as much as Charlie’s and Geoff’s, that if the Police spotted them speeding and pulled the Bentley over it would waste ages.
“What about that Jim Ladd. Would you believe it,” Charlie remarked. “What will they do to him – bang him up I suppose if he keeps doing this sort of thing. Strange fellah, just standing there staring at the blessed boat when we walked up.”
“Perhaps he was trying to resist temptation and we tipped him over the edge,” Geoff suggested. “Like that aversion therapy Lance talked about back in the Academy when Mr Reeves arrived for his unannounced inspection. I do feel bad.”
“Not as fucking bad as Roddy’s going to.” Lance was boiling up nicely every time he thought about the pesky little turd.
Chapter 5 – Second Thoughts (Year 2 – June)
The tears were long dried, but a decision was no nearer. Rowena was sitting, staring at the wall.
She’d searched the internet for information. Charlie didn’t have any of the typical characteristics, but if she could search the internet, then so could any other rapist and so could he. You then just had to be able to act and some human beings were very good at acting.
She was so angry and frustrated that she could have started smashing things. It couldn’t be true! Some malicious creature had decided to try and poison a happy relationship for their own sadistic pleasure. Whoever this was must have been stalking either her or Charlie, or both, to know where to make the delivery. And why would they do it so close to the event? The wedding announcement had been made some time ago. They could have done this at any time but, no, they had to leave it right until the last minute when there was no opportunity to talk it through and check whether it was the rubbish Babs had so forcefully said it was.
Rowena groaned. But why do it in the first place? Why plant that thought in someone’s mind? Charlie was a good man – wasn’t he? Shit, she was falling for it. No, he was good. He might go about being good in a strange way but Rowena couldn’t see how he would bring himself to drug a woman and rape her. Rape was all about power and Charlie wasn’t interested in subjugating and dominating – he was gentle and considerate.
But was that all a carefully established construct; the harmless, unthreatening man whom a woman would trust and why – Rowena came back to the question again and again – why, why, why? What had he done to someone that they hated him so much? Was there truly a hidden side to him – a side which had made an enemy like this – a person who despised him so much that they’d make an accusation in the hope of wrecking his marriage, even if it might turn out to be false?
What would Charlie have done? Surely it had to be something odious. And even if she asked him, confronted him with it, no matter when that might be, if he was so practised in deception and concealment, had been able to hide this darker side from her so successfully, then he would laugh it off, have a ready answer, dissemble and dismiss.
She stared at herself in the mirror. “You’re young,” she told herself. “But you’re not stupid. You have to think this through, apply some logic and common sense. You have to look at everything about him and ask yourself whether he could fool you, whether the way you look is really a curse because men will do anything they can just to own you. Is he some little shit who’s played you for a fool, ridden his luck and let you lead yourself into his arms or is he the man you knew you loved up until the moment you got this shitty card?
If he’s that calculating, maybe he’d noticed the magazine in the guard’s gun hadn’t been reloaded when we were out there and it was all an act. No! How could he have been sure? There was the grenade! And he was injured…”
She glanced at her watch. She was running out of time.
Chapter 6 – Lance Shows his Mettle (Year 2 – June)
It was fortunate that, with all his other difficulties, Charlie had no idea of the accusation levelled against him. The suggestion that he would ever rape a woman would have made him physically sick. He might be in ignorance; his situation was far from blissful.
They were moving into the outskirts of London when the first delay occurred. The car slewed sideways slightly a couple of times, Lance sighed faintly, and eased over to bring the vehicle to a stop on the hard shoulder.
“A sodding puncture, he informed them. “Leave it to me. Keep your suits clean.” Charlie and Geoff looked at their watches for about the ninetieth time and then at each other.
Lance was already out of the car and working like a man possessed. Within ten minutes, slightly out of breath, he was back at the wheel and picking up speed. He caught sight of the anxious faces in the rear view mirror.
“Guys,” he suggested. “I think it may be time for a precautionary phone call.”
“Yes, Lance, I think you may be right,” Geoff agreed. It was by now slightly after one.
“I‘ll call Mr. Deane, in the absence of the tossers,” Lance murmured, reaching for the dashboard. Silence greeted his efforts. “Strange, no signal,” he murmured. “Charlie, if you have that phone you borrowed, would you check whether...”
“Same here, no signal.” Charlie confirmed after fumbling around in his pocket for the phone. “Not sure it’s working properly, even though the Bos’n put it in that little bag for me.”
“Sodding weird,” Lance said, after confirming that the phones were on different networks. “I wonder if that volcano has anything to do with this.” He turned on the radio and scrolled through the stations. There seemed to be fairly few of them, all of a sudden.
“Shit,” he muttered, instantly checking his mirrors and hurling the Bentley off across the hatched lines and onto a slip road. As the tyre burst, Charlie caught sight of the stationary traffic queue ahead on the motorway they’d just abandoned. Lance was a skilled driver and so he brought the car safely to a halt. He drove down so that he could park safely on the side of the roundabout at the end of the slip road. It was as well he had done so. Other vehicles were attempting the same manoeuvre with less success and a massive pile up ensued. Cars were everywhere, wheels rolling in all directions. It was like a huge movie stunt.
Charlie started to get a horrible sinking feeling as Lance jumped out of the car.
“Starting to look a bit iffy,” he confided to Geoff. “Let’s have a look.”
They climbed out of the car. Lance was already jacking it up. The tyre was completely shredded.
“Lance, you’ve used the spare,” Charlie pointed out.
“No shit, Sherlock.” Lance had already lifted the wheel with the earlier puncture from the boot and was rolling it slowly along the ground, scanning the tread carefully. Having found what he was seeking, he reached into the boot again for a pair of pliers and extracted the cause of the puncture, a large bolt. He then produced a can with a tube on it, attached that to the tyre valve and squeezed a valve at the top of the can. There was a hissing and, after a few seconds, a sigh of satisfaction from Lance. He rushed to change the wheel and they were on their way again, leaving the carnage behind them.
“Planning,” he explained, in response to their astonished glances. “Now guys, something bad is going on. We lost some fifteen minutes there and we heard not a single siren. With a crash like that the Police would normally have been there within a few minutes.” He noticed a lone call box and pulled over. His face was grim when he returned to the Bentley. “The telephone was out of order,” he told them. “Guys, it would appear that we have no means of communication, so we will have to push on and hope that things start working again. Probably a bomb somewhere so it’s panic stations.”
He scrolled through the radio stations again and eventually found a local one broadcasting some sort of emergency announcement. The gist of it was simple; London was experiencing massive power cuts, all kinds of services were out, trains were stuck in tunnels, traffic lights weren’t working, phone networks had crashed, hospitals were on emergency power - and so on. Peop
le were being urged to stay at home.
“I can’t believe it,” Geoff groaned. “Volcanoes, power cuts, what next?”
“We’re not going to make it are we.” It was more of a statement from Charlie than a question.
“Probably not,” Lance confirmed. “Given the circumstances I’m sure the girls will understand.”
“But we were supposed to be in Charlie’s flat, just around the corner,” Geoff groaned. “We could walk it in about ten minutes.”
Lance scratched his head. “I assume that if the delay is too long, one or two of the ushers may go after you,” he said. “Shit, I didn’t think to leave a note attached to the door.”
Charlie knew his worst nightmares were starting to come true. They were going to be late. Rowena would have gone, leaving Camilla behind to give Geoff an earful and Rowena would never talk to him in that soft loving way of hers again.
Somehow, he realised, he’d known all along that he wasn’t destined for happiness, not yet anyway. A little switch would flip in Rowena’s brain and it would be exactly as Geoff had carelessly said earlier. She’d wake up and say what am I doing? I thought I was in love but do I love someone who can’t turn up for his own wedding? Yeah, it was nice of him to save my life but I did rush into things very quickly. Tell you what, Charlie, let’s be friends after all and keep it like that. They’d drift inexorably apart after she went back to Norfolk. She was young, the scales would fall from her eyes and she would say why do I want to spend the rest of my life with this idiot? That awful phrase of the Sproates sprang to mind again - plenty more fish in the sea. He might get asked to be Godfather to her children when she found a man more reliable than him.
Perhaps there would be another girl, another time, perhaps someone from Outer Mongolia who hadn’t heard about the idiot man with his idiot friends who couldn’t sort himself out to get to his own wedding with the most lovely, sensible girl in the world. Somehow he doubted it and, anyway, how could she possibly measure up to Rowena? He felt totally miserable and dejected, but here was Lance, who had already performed miracles, blaming himself.