“I’ll say,” Ethel muttered, putting the dishes away. Odds are, she thought, that if Mike’s involved, this therapy may just work out. Of course if he rejects her, the opposite could occur too and send her spiraling the other way.
“Oh Ed,” she said out loud. “What a thing, what a thing. Henry’s locked away in his mansion like Howard Hughes, Megan thinks she’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Amelia’s fallen for some boy she met in therapy. Although,” she added, “Mike did seem nice. Oh I miss you, Ed, I miss you every single day. I know you’re looking down on me but I wish you could actually talk to me, like say, ‘hey, Eth, you batty old lady, why’re you talking to yourself?’” Why would I need to say it if you just did, for me? She could hear Ed plain as day and she laughed. I’ll take myself to library, she thought, spend a pleasant time there and maybe find some ladies to rope into a game of rummy or something. She felt unusually tired but she dismissed the idea that there might be anything wrong with her and told herself that all she needed was a bit of fun in her life, a bit of levity.
8. GROUP THERAPY: SESSION TWO
MEANWHILE, AMELIA HAD EVER-SO-CAREFULLY taken the right bus and she also managed to get off at the hospital stop. It was a gusty gloomy November day, and she had hours to kill. She went for a long walk, happily thinking about seeing Mike later and she lost track of time. The next thing she knew, time was running out and she had no idea where she was.
She started crying and ran up to a stranger on the street. “Where’s the hospital?” she shouted at him and grabbed his arm. He was elderly man and he looked startled and started to pull away. “Which way is it to the hospital?” she repeated, holding onto him.
The man jerked back and stared at her, his eyes wide.
“Are you deaf?” she yelled. “Which way is it to the hospital?”
A red car suddenly pulled up next to her. “Amelia?” It was Dr. Carroll. “What are you doing? The hospital’s in the other direction. Come on, I’ll give you a ride.”
Amelia pulled the car door open and sank down into the passenger seat, sobbing. “I got lost. I came early. I was doing so well. I took the right bus and everything and then I nearly messed it up again.” She hit herself on the forehead with her palm.
“Now, now, none of that,” Dr. Carroll said disapprovingly. “You took the right bus, you did well. In any therapy, there are times of regression although they aren’t necessarily regressions, they are further opportunities for learning new behaviours. Let’s look at what happened. You planned to get on the correct bus, you got here early, and then you took your eye off the ball? Right?”
“Yeah,” Amelia said. “But I don’t remember the moment when I took my eye off the ball. Next thing the ball had vanished and I was seven streets away from it.”
“That’s where meditation comes in.” Dr. Carroll grinned his hamster-grin and swung into the hospital parking lot. “And if you don’t mind, I’d like to use your very experience in group today. It will help you too, you’ll see. It will solve a lot of issues.”
“I’ll look like an idiot,” Amelia said, following him into the hospital.
“No more than any one else in the room,” Dr. Carroll said cheerfully and he chuckled. “Don’t be so serious, Amelia. It’s not like you, or anyone else in the group has a life-threatening disease. There are people in here with cancer and all kinds of terminal illnesses. If anybody shouldn’t be laughing, it’s them, not you.”
“I should be laughing?”
“You should lighten up. Look, there’s Shannon, staring at the elevator. Let’s see if we can help her.”
“Shannon!” Dr. Carroll said and for a small man he had a loud if somewhat shrieky and high-pitched voice. “Going up? We’ll join you! How have your elevator experiences been this week?”
“Bad,” Shannon squeaked. “Bad. I haven’t…”
“Oh look, here it is, in we go.” Dr. Carroll bundled Shannon in and pulled Amelia in after him.
Amelia thought Shannon was going to die of respiratory failure. She was gasping and clutching at Dr. Carroll like a drowning guppy.
“It’s all good, it’s all good,” Dr. Carroll said as the elevator gave a clanging sound and the doors opened, one floor higher. “No, we’re not getting off here, one more to go. You’re doing superbly, you know that, well done! Well done!”
Shannon closed her eyes and buried her face in his chest.
“No, no,” he said, forcing her off him. “You must see it. You must experience it. Tell yourself, here I am, in an elevator, which could conceivably get stuck at any moment but even if it does, I won’t die. No one has ever died of suffocation in an elevator, did you know that? They die of accidents, like being mauled between the floors after their scarves or ties get caught in the doors. And a number of elevator technicians suffer a fair amount of work-related injuries but the average Joe, like you and me, we’re just fine! And look, we’re here.”
The doors opened and Shannon stumbled out, gasping.
“We should ride it down one more time, and then come up again,” Dr. Carroll said but Shannon rushed into the therapy room before he could grab her again.
“We don’t have time anyway,” Dr. Carroll mused as he followed her into the room and set his briefcase and plastic bag down next to his chair. “Right, roll call, people, roll call!”
Amelia looked around and saw Mike. He was waving at her, pointing to a chair next to him.
“I saved it for you,” he said, removing his sweater from the seat. “Hey, are you okay? Have you been crying?”
“I’m fine,” Amelia said. “Just fine.” She stared at the floor, thinking that Mike was even better looking than she remembered.
“Hmmm, we are missing Whitney, our neurotic housewife, and Alexei, our angry Russian,” Dr. Carroll said.
“They’re in the lavatory having sex,” Joanne told him. “I wanted to use it and before I could, they ducked in there together like school kids. I mean, really. There aren’t that many washrooms near this room. Couldn’t they find a broom closet or something?”
“I’ll go and get them,” Dr. Carroll said and when he got up, the group stood and followed him.
“All for one,” Joanne said with an evil smile on her twisted lips. “You followed me, now it’s their turn.”
Dr. Carroll shrugged and banged on the washroom door. “Alexei, Whitney, we know you’re in there. You’re late for therapy. Come out now. You can do this later.”
“Is he for real?” Mike whispered to Amelia who was wishing that it was her and Mike in the washroom.
The door opened and Alexei came out, zipping up his jeans, followed by Whitney who was pulling down her skirt.
“You’ve been at it for over half an hour,” Joanne said. “I timed you.”
“You wish it was you, lady,” Alexei said with fire in his eyes and he poked a finger in her direction. “But in only your dreams.”
“No anger, no anger,” Dr. Carroll said. “Okay everyone, back to group.”
“This is hilarious,” Gino said loudly to Shannon. “Want to have sex with me in a locked room? That would cure your claustrophobia big time!”
Shannon glared at him. “Don’t be such a pervert,” she snapped.
“People, people!” Dr. Carroll admonished, waving them to their seats. He ran a hand over his thinning hair. “Come now, a moment to regroup. There’s been a lot of excitement today in a short space of time. First, I found Amelia wandering the streets dazed and confused, and then together she and I helped Shannon take an elevator…”
“Helped? You forced me in! I still can’t breathe from the shock of it.”
“But you’re alive and well and you didn’t die or go nuts,” Dr. Carroll reminded her. “Therefore progress was made. And then we find two of our group engaging in coitus in the washroom. Tell me, Alexei, was it D.T.O.T. in action? You know, make love not war?”
Alexei looked confused. “Whitney is a sexy and beautiful woman,” he said. “What do you mean, D.T.O.T.? What is D.T.O.T.? You mean detox?”
Dr. Carroll sighed. “How quickly they forget. Do The Opposite Thing,” he said. “It was your homework for this week. It’s the basis of this course. What about you, Whitney? Was your having sex with Alexei an example of D.T.O.T. in action?”
She laughed. “Sorry, Dr. Carroll, but no. He’s hot as hell and you know what they say about therapy. Whatever goes on inside the cinder block walls of a madhouse, stays inside. It was just glorious fantastic sex.”
“Hmmmm,” Dr. Carroll said, and he jotted down some notes. “I posit that both of you were subliminally and subconsciously engaging in D.T.O.T. Sex, for Alexei, is the opposite of anger and for you, Whitney, it’s the opposite of anxiety. Good for you. Good for both you. Well done!”
“What?” Whitney and Alexei spoke at the same time, raising their objections, but Dr. Carroll dismissed their protests. “The beauty of D.T.O.T.,” he explained, “is that it shows you the pathway to your truest desires, your most pure self. Alexei, you aren’t an angry man. You’re a virile young man who likes to have sex and Whitney, you aren’t anxious. You are suppressed and crushed by the suburban stagnation of your life. Imagine if you could have sex with Alexei every day, wouldn’t your life improve? Wouldn’t you be happy? And, Alexei, imagine if you could have sex with Whitney every day? Of course I don’t mean you two specifically, because neither of you is capable, or desirous, of that kind of commitment. You both want sex with randy strangers in washrooms, which, by the way, is not exactly something either of you invented.”
“You’re saying that if I had sex every day with a stranger in a washroom that I’d be my happiest self?” Whitney asked.
“Well, tell me, wouldn’t you?”
A smile crossed Whitney’s face. “Sure, but it’s amoral.”
“Aha! Morality versus sanity! A whole different ball game to be explored and not one that concerns me in the least. What is morality anyway?”
“The fear of getting caught,” David, the businessman, offered.
“No, that’s consequence,” Dr. Carroll said.
“Religion is morality,” Ainsley piped up. She was the skinny blonde with the enormous engagement ring. “It’s against most religions to have sex with random people.”
“I’m not convinced that religion is morality, per se,” Dr. Carroll frowned. “What makes something truly wrong or evil? Think about it, people. But, most importantly, please pay attention to the fact that the events of this afternoon demonstrated beautifully how D.T.O.T. helps shine a light on the real truths of your hearts and psyches. I’ll say more about this in a moment. Now I’d like to go around the room and check in with everybody and then we can look at Amelia’s conundrum.”
Amelia was hoping he had forgotten about their encounter.
“Don’t worry,” Mike whispered. “If he gets weird, I’ll protect you.”
Amelia broke into a broad grin and relaxed in her chair.
“Chatty Mike, let’s start with you,” Dr. Carroll said, with a rodent smile. “How was your week? Did you talk to anybody on the phone?”
“Actually, I did,” Mike said. “I called a bunch of people and it got so easy that eventually people were trying to get me off the phone! I had fun with it. It was like because you had told me to do it, it took the fear away.”
“That’s because your secret desire is to talk to everyone. You’re a very sociable, likeable fellow and you like to talk and you love to be heard. Alexei and Whitney, we’re fully aware of how your week went.”
“But—” Again, they spoke at the same time, and again, he ignored them.
“Joanne, what’s the status on your weeping in the toilet?”
“I did not weep,” Joanne said, through gritted teeth. “I am still angry with you.”
“Joanne, you’re angry with the world,” Dr. Carroll said helpfully. “Depression, or sadness, is anger turned inward. If you started expressing your anger with the world to the world, you’d be a lot happier.”
“And a lot less employed,” Joanne commented and Dr. Carroll shrugged.
“The jobs of our choosing are not always the right ones for our personalities. You might be better off being a prison warden or, I don’t know, a policewoman, who knows. But there you go, food for thought.”
“Kwon, did you help out in your parents’ store?”
Kwon jiggled his leg. He shook his head.
“Can’t win ’em all,” Dr. Carroll said cheerfully.
“David, did you engage with any of your clients?”
“I did,” David said. “I felt like I said the wrong things, but one guy signed a new contract so I must have done something right.” He grinned.
“Hmmm,” Dr. Carroll said, “fear of accepting success. David, I want you to please stand up.”
David did so, hesitantly, not sure what was coming.
“Now, shout, as loudly as you can: I am David and I love the fact that I am a successful businessman!”
“I…” David started. “I can’t,” he said.
“You can, you can. Come on, group, shout at David until he gets going. You are David and you love the fact that you are a successful businessman!”
Alexei, Mike, and Gino joined in with gusto while the women looked on bemused and Kwon clearly wanted to melt through the linoleum floor.
“Okay, okay,” David yelled. “I am David and I LOVE THE FACT THAT I AM SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN!” He shouted it three more times and Dr. Carroll had to pull him down into his seat.
“Good, good, well done. You should do that in the shower and in your car. But not in your office. Shannon, we all saw you take the elevator, so you’re good.”
Shannon glared at him.
“You want the world to hug you,” Dr. Carroll said. “You feel abandoned by life, lost and lonely. You think you suffer from claustrophobia when in reality, you feel forsaken in a desert of loneliness. Come on everyone, let’s hug Shannon.”
“No! No, no!” But Shannon’s protests were drowned in a group hug led by Gino.
“Get OFF me, you pervert!” Shannon yelled. She shoved Gino hard in the solar plexus with her elbow and he grunted loudly.
“Easy now,” Dr. Carroll said, assisting Gino back to his chair. “He was trying to help you, Shannon.”
“Help? He groped my buttocks!”
“He did? Gino, did you grope Shannon’s buttocks?”
Gino looked shamefaced. “I did,” he admitted. “I am sorry,” he said to her. “I think you are so beautiful.”
“That’s no reason to do it,” Dr. Carroll said musingly. “You know what the Buddhists say. Do not take that which is not freely given. Apologize, without any conditions of why you did it.”
“I apologize, Shannon,” Gino said. “I am sorry.”
“Gino, you feel as if the world doesn’t hear you and that’s why you’re afraid of talking. You are certain that if you speak, your fears will be validated and you will be universally rejected. You believe that you don’t have a voice worthy of hearing. Stand up and say: I have a voice and it has a message of importance.”
Gino stood up, and he smoothed the creases of his trousers and clasped his hands nervously. “I am Gino, and I have a voice of importance,” he whispered.
“It’s message not voice,” Dr. Carroll corrected him. “I have a voice and it has a message of importance. Louder, louder.”
“I HAVE A VOICE AND A MESSAGE OF IMPORTANCE,” Gino screamed and everybody in the room jumped.
“Very good,” Dr. Carroll said. “Group, we are making great strides today! I am delighted, just delighted. Moving on. Angelina, did you make an appointment and keep it?”
“No,” she whispered. “And don’t make me stand up and shout anything because
I won’t.”
“Fair enough,” Dr. Carroll said. “Ainsley, did you leave the house and if you did, did you have a panic attack?”
“I left the house to go clubbing,” Ainsley said. “I took a tranquillizer to go out and then, when I got to the club, I got drunk. When I drink, I don’t panic and so I drank.”
“Not optimal,” Dr. Carroll said disapprovingly. “Next time, leave the house and suffer. Endure the panic attack. That would be worth much more than trying to numb yourself. Ask yourself, Ainsley, what are you trying to avoid? Your dead-end future with your fiancé?”
Ainsley gasped. “How dare you!” She stood up. “I’m leaving. Screw you Mr. High-and-Mighty. You think you know everything but you don’t know shit! How dare you!”
She grabbed her purse and marched out.
“Guess I hit a nerve,” Dr. Carroll said, making a note on his chart. “Always good to elicit a strong reaction. Next, Persephone, did you leave the house?”
“It was too cold,” Persephone said. “I couldn’t.”
“I am noting resistance and passive aggression,” Dr. Carroll said. “Be that as it may for the moment. I’d like to turn our attention to Amelia here. I believe that we can all benefit today by exploring her actions earlier. Tell us, in your own words, what happened to you today.”
“I can hardly use anybody else’s words, can I?” Amelia retaliated and Dr. Carroll chuckled.
“Diversionary conversation won’t work,” he said, tapping his knee with his plump fingers. “Use any words you like, but tell us what happened.”
“I left the house early,” Amelia said with a sigh. “I didn’t want to be late.”
“What time did you leave?”
“Around ten,” Amelia admitted and the group gave an audible collective gasp and she turned on them. “What? I wanted to be here on time.”
“Fair enough,” Dr. Carroll said. “And you got here when?”
“Just before eleven.”
And then what happened?”
“I don’t know.” Amelia sounded miserable. “I guess I thought I had time, so I’d go for a walk. It’s a nice day outside.”
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