Dear Haiti, Love Alaine

by Maika Moulite

  I want Rivière-Hérard to be dust in my hands. In every sense of the word.

  “You knew this was how it was meant to be,” Roseline said. “Did you not notice Tony’s full name listed in the funeral program?”

  My mom stood up silently, her arms wrapped around herself as if to keep her emotions from spilling out of her body.

  “What was in that last jar?” I wouldn’t put anything past her anymore.

  She cocked her head. “Don’t worry. Just dirt from his burial site. He’s not in there, if that’s what you’re thinking. It is finished.”

  Roseline handed the jar back to me, the hastily torn label of Tony J. Manma still partially attached by gummy adhesive now unmistakable.

  “H-how could you be so heartless?” I said through tears as I wiped my face.

  “Heartless? Heartless is for men like your grandfather. I did this because I love my child. One day when you have children, you’ll understand.”

  “This is what it means for you to love a child?!” I asked incredulously, my voice rising an octave.

  The look on Roseline’s face should’ve made me stop, but I was so repulsed that I continued, “Tell me, Roseline, what did you wish for that day my mom and the others joined you for the original ceremony?”

  Roseline’s eyes filled with tears. “Freedom.”

  She opened her mouth to speak again, but instead of words, a low moan escaped her as she doubled over in pain. “I think I’m going into labor.”

  Instinctively I stepped toward Roseline. “Something’s not right,” she gasped.

  My mom, who had been standing silently the whole time, finally seemed to shake the cobwebs from her mind. “Estelle?” she said, tears streaming down her face. “Are you going to be okay?”

  My vision blurred with tears of my own as realization hit. It didn’t work.

  Amount of time it takes to get from Citadelle Laferrière to Hôpital Sacré Coeur in Milot:

  23 minutes

  Number of words uttered between me and Roseline in the car:

  4.25 (“I don’t know, uh, breathe!”)

  The number of moments it takes for any hope that you had to be gone:

  1

  Driving experience I’d had on the petrifying roads of Haiti before taking the wheel to get to said hospital:

  0

  There was no time for tears as I walked my mom and Roseline to Roseline’s car. She had been parked not too far away from where our ceremony took place, and as I took my mom by the hand and wrapped my other arm around Roseline’s shoulders, I clamped down on the feeling of despair that was attempting to overwhelm me. I got behind the wheel and took a calming breath. There was no question that I would be the one to drive. By the time we arrived at the hospital, I was pretty sure that Roseline was ready to give birth right there in her seat. I left the car running and ran inside to get the nearest nurse.

  I don’t know how we got to the hospital without running anyone or anything over, but we made it. To be honest, it might have something to do with the fact that I was driving no faster than twenty miles per hour. I thought it would be best to limit our reasons for going to the hospital to a birth and not numerous broken bones. Early onset Alzheimer’s not included.

  “Baby...being...born,” I said to the first nurse I could find, trying to catch my breath. A large woman in a light blue uniform sprang into action. She called for one of her fellow nurses and they ran to the car, one of them stopping to grab a wheelchair on the way. I hurried after them, and when Roseline was settled in the chair, they wheeled her away. She gave one last howl of pain and then she was gone into the hospital, whisked away to the maternity ward.

  I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t consider just driving away from the hospital right then and there. Yet I somehow found myself parking the car and heading back inside with my mom, if only to prevent Roseline reporting her car as stolen. One criminal in the family was enough.

  We made our way to the waiting room and, after giving my dad a call to let him know where we were, settled in to wait for him to pick us up.

  Just as I rested my head against the wall behind me to go to sleep and attempt to forget the morning, my phone buzzed in my bag.

  TEXT MESSAGES FROM JASON

  Jason -Work, work, work, work bae

  JASON 10:02am:

  Hey Alaine. What are you up to?

  ALAINE 10:03am:

  Hey. I’m at the hospital.

  JASON 10:03am:

  Hospital? Oh no! What happened?

  ALAINE 10:04am:

  One of my mom’s cousins went into labor while we were at the Citadelle Everything happened so fast that I was the one to drive her to the hospital.

  JASON 10:05am:

  That’s insane. Are you ok?

  ALAINE 10:07am:

  Yeah. I’m fine.

  JASON 10:08am:

  Driving through the streets of Haiti must’ve been traumatizing...

  ALAINE 10:10am:

  I was pretty scared. But that wasn’t even the half of it... It’s been a long day already.

  JASON 10:12am:

  How much longer will you be at the hospital?

  ALAINE 10:13am:

  I’m not sure. My dad said that he would be here soon.

  JASON 10:14am:

  Ok. Well I’ll leave you to it then. I’m sure there’s a new baby that’s ready to come into the world right now that you’re dying to meet.

  ALAINE 10:15am:

  Uh-huh. Ecstatic. I’ll talk to you later.

  The Life and Times of Alaine Beauparlant

  Me? Dying to meet Roseline’s baby? No, someone else already had. Tony died because Roseline believed that his death would result in a curse-free life for her child. He died because I thought that breaking this family curse would help my mom get her memory back. He died because I was so lost in the idea of preventing anything from happening to Dad, or Tati Estelle, or stupid Andres, or Félicité, or any of the other relatives I had taken upon myself to save. He died because I blindly put all of my hope in something that I didn’t even fully understand. And not once did I take a step back to realize that Roseline had been feeding me half-truths the entire time, just enough to keep me moving forward but never enough to see the full story.

  I was a fool.

  I slipped away silently as my mother slept in the seat beside me. It might not have been the best idea to leave her alone, but I figured that she couldn’t get into too much trouble in a hospital. My aimless steps led me to the cramped maternity ward. The hospital had done the best it could with its limited resources and kept its cracked tiled floor spotless. I looked down the row of the thin iron beds, at the new mothers in various stages of euphoria and exhaustion, and swallowed the bile I tasted when I saw Roseline. The joy on her face was unambiguous. She rocked the wrapped bundle in her arms gently and laughed when tiny fingers clasped her own. I wondered if Tony Juste had been there for the births of his daughter and son, or if he had missed them like Roseline’s husband, Pierrot, because it had happened too quickly. My head throbbed.

  “Who are you looking for?” A nurse appeared out of nowhere, smiling widely as she made to usher me to the row of beds.

  “Oh, no, merci. I—I...already saw them,” I said, pointing wildly at a bed near the entrance.

  I spun on my heel and speed-walked to the waiting area...and collided into a hard chest.

  “Oof—Hey!

  “Jason!” I didn’t think. I just hugged him, so happy to see him that I could feel my eyes well up with the tears that had been threatening to spill over since the Citadelle. I tightened my grip around him, burying my face deeper into his chest as I let out a trembly sigh. He didn’t let go.

  Finally, I stepped back a little to look up at him. “What are you doing here?”

 
“For starters, I figured that you might need a hug after braving those Haitian roads. It seems I was right.”

  I smiled as he squeezed my hand a bit tighter, letting him lead me to the nearest seats. When we were settled, he continued, “Don’t laugh, but the reason I texted you was because I wanted to ask you out. Like, for real, for real, and not as a group with my cousin or standing up for a food truck at work. Before you leave. But then as I was reading your texts, I could tell something was wrong. I had to come make sure you were okay.”

  Playing it cool was not an option. Not after everything that had happened in the past few days. I didn’t try to think of every possible scenario before acting, or worry about what I must look like after flinging dirt into a fire on a windy day at the Citadelle. I turned to Jason in my seat, placing my hand on his chest as I looked up into his eyes. I could feel his heart beating under my palm, feel his chest rising as he breathed in sharply and met my lips with his own. When we pulled back a few moments later, the silly grin on his face mirrored my own.

  “Does that mean you’d like to go with me? On a date?” he asked.

  I smiled again. “I’d love to.”

  “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about what happened to Tony, it’s that I’ve got to be more explicit about my feelings...”

  I nodded, because I didn’t trust myself to speak. I completely understood.

  “I almost forgot,” Jason said as he extended a small bag that I hadn’t noticed he was carrying. “Here. For the new mom.”

  I peered inside, and a plump teddy bear gazed back at me with shiny onyx eyes. “I’m starting to think you have a treasure chest of kiddie toys that you still play with or something.”

  “My mom would be disappointed if I didn’t demonstrate my home training and come with a gift,” he protested.

  I was about to tease him some more when I heard a familiar throat clear.

  “And who do we have here?”

  Jason and I looked up to see my mom and dad walking toward us.

  “Jason, this is my dad. You met a few days ago when Tony...” My voice trailed off as I let the rest of my sentence remain unsaid.

  “Come,” Mom interrupted. “Let’s get a snack. Jules only uses that faux intimidating voice when he’s hungry.”

  Jason and I followed my parents to the nearest vending machine. I couldn’t help but grin as I watched my mom be her normal self, asking Jason a million and one questions as we each ate a bag of chips. But my smile slipped slightly as worry tempered my glee. She was lucid now, but for how long? Would I always be torn by warring emotions whenever she was feeling all right, waiting for the moment when she would slip back into the fog?

  “Let’s hurry and see Roseline before visiting time is over,” Mom said, grabbing Dad’s hand and walking to the maternity ward just a few steps away. We meandered through the tight row of beds, the nurse I’d seen earlier looking confused when she saw me walk past my “relative” near the door and toward Roseline. She was tucked all the way in the back of the room, in the final bed nestled into a corner, and was still looking down at her newborn baby in awe.

  “So many visitors just for you,” Roseline said softly, smiling down at her daughter.

  Just then, we heard a loud clatter as someone made his way up the aisle. Pierrot was disheveled as he raced over to his wife and child. He gave Roseline a kiss and lifted the baby gently from her arms.

  “Thank you! Thank you!” he said, clearly overcome with emotion. I wondered if he knew exactly what he was thanking me for.

  Each person came in close to coo over the baby and kiss Roseline. I wanted to stand back but knew that would be too conspicuous, so I stiffly bent my face down to hers when it was my turn. She took my hand and stuffed a piece of paper in it. It took everything in me not to ball it up and throw it in her face.

  “Félicitations!” Dad said as he handed Pierrot a vertical gift bag that he had hid behind his back. “Enjoy this bottle the first time your daughter gives you a headache.”

  “What’s her name?” Jason asked.

  “Nadège Alaine Giraud,” Roseline said quietly. “After my mother. And...of course.”

  “She’s named after Alaine? Oh, then I will have to send you three more bottles!”

  Everybody laughed. I retreated from the bed.

  The Life and Times of Alaine Beauparlant

  “Where are we going?”

  “Home.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t recognize this way.”

  “We always have to drive through the gate to get to the house, Mom.”

  “Oh...yes, of course.”

  Dad looked in the rearview mirror as he braked and met my red eyes from where I sat in the back seat. As the gate creaked open, he shifted his gaze to inspect the side of Mom’s face. She turned to him and smiled.

  “That baby was adorable. What did they decide for the name again?”

  Note Roseline handed to me in the hospital

  Alaine,

  I have had a difficult life. The trauma I’ve experienced at the hands of people claiming to have noble intentions stays with me wherever I go. You weren’t there. You will never know hardship like I have. That is a blessing. But because of your knowledge gap in this regard, I didn’t expect you to understand what I needed you to do.

  You really do have an honest face. At Jacinthe’s birthday dinner, you looked desperate for a solution to your mother’s problem. Estelle had approached me a few weeks before and said that we could help each other. She’s no friend of mine, but she had that same air that told me she was serious. I thought of my baby. I remembered Celeste once being the only beautiful thing in my life. I agreed.

  As you get older, you will come to learn that the vast majority of people will always operate with their own interests at heart. It’s best to conduct yourself with this in mind. Tony’s family would’ve done anything to save him from his fate, even if that meant sacrificing someone else. It’s the circle of life.

  There’s power in faith and there’s no need to pretend you didn’t believe in this curse. You saw it all around you. My mother used to say history tends to catch up with itself, even if it takes a few centuries longer than expected. Tony’s time was marked. If it weren’t him, it would have been one of his children, or another descendent. They have nothing to fear anymore. And now it is our time to live life in the sun. Make the most of the time you have with your mother and I will give my own child the life I wish I had when I was younger. One like yours.

  I know you don’t want to hear this now, but thank you.

  Roseline

  UPDATED TO-DO LIST FROM ROSELINE’S PLACES TO VISIT

  Bois Caïman?

  Sans-Souci Palace

  Labadie

  Citadelle Laferrière

  RUNNING LIST OF 5 STAGES OF WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND UPON REALIZING YOU’VE BEEN LIVING A LIE

  DENIAL

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

  This can’t be right... Of course it worked. We just need a little more time for it to work.

  It’s completely understandable that Mom called Roseline Estelle. Right? Right.

  My name is pretty uncommon. I can easily see it slipping anyone’s mind.

  ANGER

  WTF

  Why didn’t it work?!

  I bet Roseline only did this for her child and knew that Mom wouldn’t get better. How could she?!

  Shut up, Dad. Whatever sage advice you think you’re offering is pure garbage. I am not going to start meditating “to clear my mind” because that’s not going to change anything.

  BARGAINING

  But I thought I saw...

  Okay. What if Roseline did it wrong again? She was distracted. Her brain was addled with preg
nancy hormones, I’m sure that’s a thing. If I could just get her to redo her part... I could go back to the hospital and see if they have any more of that dirt from the jar Mom smashed, for some reason. She’s kinda famous...maybe they kept some. Crazier things have happened.

  I bet Mom needed to be on board for this to be successful... If I just explain to her more clearly than I have in the past...then she’ll get it and she’ll be back and everything will be normal and I’ll get my busy mom back and I won’t ever complain about not seeing her again.

  Mom just needs to focus more. I could give her brain a pep talk. We could start meditating together.

  DEPRESSION

  Mom was right. What was the point of doing all this?

  What the hell was I thinking?

  Tony.

  ACCEPTANCE

  What is that?

  PART IX

  PADON SE PA SELMAN NAN PALE

  (FORGIVENESS IS NOT ONLY IN SPEAKING)

  Saturday, March 19

  LETTER TATI ESTELLE SLID UNDER THE DOOR OF MY ROOM THIS MORNING

  Chérie,

  Things are not always black-and-white. I understand that relations will be strained between us for some time... I will not try to change this fact. But I do want you to know that I love you and my sister. You are like a daughter to me and I truly believed that doing this would bring Celeste back to us. Give it time. I think it’s important to keep our faith.

  You’re leaving tomorrow and still upset with me so I won’t be shocked if you see this on your floor, recognize my handwriting, and throw it out. But on the off chance you don’t, I wanted to leave you with this letter to clear the air before you return to Miami. We will miss you in the office. As for what you saw at the wedding, I do not owe you an explanation for that.

  You’ll learn what I mean very soon, but I am no thief. Creating PATRON PAL was the best thing I’ve ever done. I never thought I would touch so many lives and will work my hardest to make sure that more kids get the chance to reach their potentials and have decent futures.