by Kira Adams
Her expression remains pained. “I’m sorry, Topher. I’m so sorry. Tell me what I can do to make this better.”
“You can’t,” I reply dryly.
She reaches her hand out to my neck, caressing my skin with her thumb. “I miss you. Let’s work this out. I love you.”
I grab her hand and shove it away from me. “Go home, Sophia.”
She looks surprised and hurt. “What about the winter formal?”
“What about it?” I ask sarcastically.
“We are supposed to go together!” she says exasperatedly.
I nearly choke. “Why don’t you go with the guy you’ve been fucking for almost nine months?”
“Topher, don’t be like this! We can still work this out.” Her eyes continue to plead with mine, her bottom lip is quivering.
“I’m going with someone else. I’ve moved on, and you should too.”
Her eyes narrow and a scowl takes over her face. “You can’t honestly be talking about Ciera Nelson. That girl is the definition of white trash.”
I don’t know what comes over me, but I push her against the door of her car, my fingers circling her neck. I’m not putting any pressure on my hold, but I can tell she’s frightened by the look in her eyes. “And what if I am? At least she doesn’t fuck anything that moves.”
Sophia expels a gasp, and I remove my fingers slowly. “You’re different.” She rubs the area my fingers were. “You’re really not afraid to lose everything.”
I chuckle. “I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. You should try it—it’s freeing.”
She glares back at me before ripping her car door open and climbing in. She rolls down her window before driving off. “What you’re walking away from, people dream of having. You’re never going to be able to get it back.”
I raise my eyebrows. “I’m counting on it.”
She starts the engine and speeds off down my driveway.
I really have changed. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me.
18
I quit my job.
We still need the money and it’s still on my mind, but my mother would not allow me to live another moment of my short time catering to the needs of others. She tells me she wants me to begin living for me, and for once, I can’t say I disagree. Although I love the part-time position and my co-workers, there are so many things I want to experience before it’s too late.
Unfortunately, now I feel like I have so much extra time on my hands. So, I’ve been making a list. I guess one would call it a bucket list. It’s a list of things I want to do before I go, before I become a ghost of the past. I’ve been trying to stick to things that don’t require money, but my mother let me keep my last paycheck in full, so I have a little bit of play money, and I’m rather excited about it.
Number thirteen on my list is fly a kite at the beach. It’s not exactly the best weather for it, but the wind is sufficient. Now, I just need to figure out how to get there. I bought the kite last night. It’s Saturday and only nine in the morning, but I am dressed and ready to go. I should probably be keeping my distance from Topher, but after I call Mack a few times with no luck, I know my options are quite slim. I know I could try to call Madalynne, but I don’t know her number, and it’s probably too sudden of a request.
After a lengthy mental debate with myself, I end up trekking it across town to Topher’s house. I don’t know if he will be home, but I hope so, as I just spent the last two hours making the long commute on foot. I could have ridden the bus, but I’m not familiar with the routes, and knowing me it would be much more of a headache. Thank goodness I’m in my warmest clothes, along with the scarf Rose gave me for Christmas last year. It’s rather ugly, but it gets the job done.
I’m breathing heavily when I finally reach the familiar door. It’s dark mahogany and beautiful, much like the inside of the house. I ring the doorbell and wait, hoping the car I saw in the driveway is Topher’s current loaner. An older gentleman who resembles Topher opens the door. He has the same color of brown hair, but instead of Topher’s intense aqua irises, he has russet-colored eyes. His nose and his jawline resemble his son so much I’d guess they were brothers if I didn’t know any better.
“Hi there, may I help you?” he asks. He has a gentle way about him, and I wonder if things have gotten any better between him and his son since the last time I was in their home.
I glance around him, hoping Topher will magically appear, but he doesn’t. “Is Topher home?” I ask.
He gives me a once-over, appearing surprised that I am requesting his son. I’m surprised myself.
“He’s still asleep. Did you want to come in and wait? I can go wake him up,” his father replies.
Disappointment surges through me. Maybe this is a bad idea? What if he already has plans? What was I even thinking?
“No, that’s alright.” Just as I begin to turn around and make the long trek back to my house, I notice a flash of something at the top of the staircase. My eyes home in on the sight, and I notice it’s a shirtless Topher, glancing down at our interaction, rubbing his eyes.
“I got this, Dad,” he states with authority as he disappears and reappears within moments carrying a t-shirt. He skips down the stairs, slowly slipping the shirt over his head.
My heart is in overdrive, my cheeks heating up from the intimate sight. I just witnessed every girl’s fantasy…at least the girls I go to school with. My eyes are still trained on the small amount of skin showing between his sweatpants and his t-shirt before it finally falls into place.
Topher pushes past his father, his eyes widening from surprise when he sees me. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
I swallow, attempting to quiet my indecent thoughts.
I look down at my shoes then back up into his mesmerizing eyes. “I don’t know. I guess it seemed like a better idea earlier…”
Topher’s father shrugs his shoulders and heads back inside their massive home.
Topher’s eyes fall onto my cheeks, and then they hover over my lips. “Did you walk here?” He looks around me for any sign of a vehicle.
My cheeks begin to burn with a fury as I nod.
“Well shit.” He reaches for my arm, pulling me inside the warm house with him. “Do you want something to drink? You’re probably dead tired.”
I laugh. “Yeah, water would be nice.”
I follow him into the kitchen as he hurriedly prepares a glass of ice water for me. Then we both take a seat at the tall island in the middle of the room. “So, you want to tell me what you’re doing here?”
I sigh. “I need a ride.”
He chuckles, his teal eyes sparkling. “You walked all the way here just to ask me for a ride? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of your request?”
I smile slightly. “Well you know me and phones.”
He looks uncomfortable as my underlying tone about being broke comes through. “Where did you need to go?”
I look at the clock and see it’s nearing lunchtime now. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. He probably already has plans for the day and I’m interrupting them. Plus, a drive to the beach is going to eat away quite a bit of time and gas. I don’t even know what I was thinking.
“You know what,” I say, thinking better of it, “a ride home would be nice.”
He stares at me with a confused expression. “You’re acting really strange.”
I feign a smile. “At least I’m doing something right.”
He motions with his head toward the backpack I have on. “What’s in the bag?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Nothing. Just a kite.”
His expression changes to intrigue. “A kite?”
I nod. “I had this bright idea to go fly a kite at the beach, since I’ve never done it before and all, but I guess I didn’t really think about all the logistics of that.”
He cocks his head to the side. “You’ve never flown a kite befor
e?”
I shake my head no.
“So, why today? What made you decide you wanted to try today?” he asks curiously.
Because I’m dying? “I kind of have this list of things I want to try to do within the next couple of months.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Like a bucket list?”
The air between us grows thick. “Yeah, something like that. I just realized I haven’t really been living for a while now, and what better time to start?”
A smile pulls at his lips. “That is so cool. What else is on the list?”
My cheeks grow hot from his gaze. “Just stupid stuff like riding a horse, going camping, participating in a 5k.”
His shock is not easily masked. I know I’m not in shape whatsoever, but I want to do it all, before it’s too late.
“I learn more about you every day,” he murmurs softly.
I tuck my hair behind my ears nervously. “Yeah, I guess you do.”
Suddenly he is beaming back at me. “You could have asked anyone to help you conquer this list. Why me?”
I look around anxiously. “You know as well as I do that I can count my friends on one hand. And plus, I thought a change of pace might be good for you.”
He nods, drumming his fingers along his chin. “Can I see the list?”
My stomach instantly tightens. No. You cannot. If you see it, it will just create more questions. I shake my head dismissively.
“Okay.” He chuckles. “But on our way to the beach, you are going to share more of your list with me.”
Nervousness pools within me. “You want to go?”
He smiles widely. “Of course I want to go. But, before we go, I need to know…any more items on your list revolve around the beach or huge bodies of water?”
Mentally, I scan my list. “Yeah, a couple…why?”
He grins. “Better to kill two birds with one stone.”
I already like the way he’s thinking. “Smart.”
“Let me go get dressed. You okay waiting here?”
I nod, remaining seated.
I guess I should have prepared better. I glance down at my warm clothing. Oh well. Carpe diem.
19
I don’t know what I’m expecting when I wake up to find Ciera at my door. It is surprising to say the least. The girl is much different than I thought. It’s like, just when I think I have her figured out, she goes and does something that jumbles my idea of her. When I see her at the bottom of the stairway, outside the door, my stomach begins doing sickening flops. I can’t figure out why. She’s never made me nervous before, but something has definitely changed between us. It is an unspoken shift, but I know she feels it too; otherwise she wouldn’t have walked all the way across town.
After quickly dressing, we hurry out the door and into the brand new 2014 Lexus RC F sitting in my driveway. It’s black and sleek and I’ve been dying to test it out on the freeway. Hopefully Ciera can handle it.
She is wearing the ugliest scarf I have ever laid eyes on. It looks like someone had a bit too much fun with tie-dye, and it has the ugliest fringed edges to it. I can’t take her seriously with it on. I keep sneaking glances and then cracking myself up.
“What?” she finally asks huffily.
“That scarf,” I say through a round of chuckles.
She glances down at the ugly piece of clothing and then back up at me. “What about it?”
I stifle another laugh. “You can’t be serious.”
Her cheeks turn a dark shade of pink as she unwraps it from her neck and then holds it in her hands, staring down at it. “It was a Christmas gift.”
For some reason, that answer is even worse. “Well whoever thought that was a good idea was sorely mistaken.”
Ciera glares at me. “My sister Rose made it for me last year for Christmas.”
“That explains a lot.”
She tosses it to her feet and folds her arms across her chest.
“Oh, come on. You’re not mad at me now, are you?” I tease.
She continues glaring at me. “You’re rude. Didn’t your mother ever teach you if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?”
I know she doesn’t realize what she’s saying until the words are completely out of her mouth and hanging in the air between us uncomfortably. The car falls silent.
“I’m—I’m sorry,” she stammers. “I didn’t think.”
I shrug. “It’s not a big deal.”
“How did it happen?” she asks in a small voice.
“She developed a severe case of pneumonia when I was less than a year old. The doctors couldn’t save her.”
I realize this is the first time I’ve told anyone the truth. It’s easier not to mention it, so most of the time I let people believe she ran off after I was born. Then I don’t have to deal with their pity.
Ciera shifts uncomfortably. “You didn’t really get to know her.”
I nod, remaining mute. Unfortunately not.
“I wonder what she was like.”
I glance at Ciera curiously then look back at the road. “She was selfless and kind, always thinking of others. Nothing like me.”
“Hey, you’re coming around,” Ciera says softly.
“I guess there’s hope for me yet.”
Silence fills the air again as we ride for quite some time without words or even music. Just the low hum of the engine filling the void.
“So, tell me more about this list,” I finally say.
She sighs, running her hand through her short blond locks. “For too long I’ve lived my life in fear. Fear of judgment, fear of my peers, fear
of—”
“Fear of me,” I finish for her.
She nods slowly. “I’m tired of living in fear. Life is meant to be lived, experienced, and breathed. I’m ready now.”
Her words are so powerful, and I’m not prepared for how hard they hit me. “What else is on this list?”
She exhales a long, deep breath. “A lot.” She pauses, thinking. “I want to go camping, with real tents and sleeping bags. Under the stars. I want to roast marshmallows and tell ghost stories.”
“Wait.” I slap my hand on the dashboard excitedly. “Are you telling me you’ve never gone camping before?”
She shakes her head no.
My mind begins racing. This girl really hasn’t experienced life to the fullest. I’m excited I get the opportunity to be along for the ride.
“Okay, what else?”
She scrunches up her nose and taps on her chin like she’s deep in thought. “Halloween is next week, and I’ve never been to a haunted house.”
I can’t help the shock spilling over my face. “You came to the right place.”
She giggles. “You know, no one asked you to help with the list.”
“Oh please,” I say in one long breath. “You’re practically begging for it. I’m going to help you tackle this list Topher-style, and then you’re going to have to do something for me.”
Her eyes widen. “And just what might that be?”
I break out into a wide grin. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”
As it turns out, there is a lot we can do from her list in one day at the beach. We start out by attempting to fly the kite, unsuccessfully. The wind isn’t as strong as she thought it would be, and we give up after a good hour of attempts. Ciera finds a sand dollar poking out from the sand, and it steals our attention away from the task at hand.
“Look!” she exclaims excitedly. “A sand dollar!” She’s turning it over in her hand, examining all the markings when I grab it from her.
“It’s in one piece…that’s rare,” I reply.
“I’ve never seen one in person before, much less held one!” It’s refreshing to see the world through her eyes for once, everything new and exciting.
“Let me guess, another item we can check off from the list?”
She looks up at me, her blue eyes gleaming as she nods.
“Here
, let me hold on to it. I have bigger pockets than you.” I tuck the sand dollar into the pocket of my pants then look back at her. “What now?”
Her eyes trail away from my face and down the beach a little. “Do you think the tide is low enough for us to explore a cave?”
I look out at the ocean, the water keeping its distance. “For now, but it won’t be for long! We better hurry.”
We make our way down the beach to a series of caves. Most are too dangerous to enter, but we locate one where we can walk in along the side a good fifty feet.
“Be careful,” I warn her as I reach out to steady myself. “It’s slippery.”
I take calculated steps around the moss-covered rocks inside, but it’s clear within minutes that she doesn’t heed my warning as I hear a loud shriek along with the sound of rocks falling amongst each other and into the water below. I grab her arm, catching her.
We stand there giggling together like a bunch of idiots before I sweep her hair out of her face gently. I don’t know why she was never on my radar before. I don’t know why I thought I was so much better than her.
She looks up into my eyes with a pained expression. “We can’t.”
My brows furrow as I try to understand why she’s pushing me away. “We can’t what?”
She looks down, and then she pulls herself out of my grip slowly. “This isn’t us.”
“Oh really, so you’re saying there’s an ‘us’?” I ask, arching an eyebrow.
She sighs heavily. “You’re the most popular guy in school, and I’m the biggest loser. We don’t make sense.”
“I don’t care about any of that. You shouldn’t either.”
She starts to make her way back out onto the beach as the sun is beginning to set and the cave is darkening on the inside. When I catch up to her, she’s staring up at the beautiful night sky.
“What if Madalynne hadn’t dragged me to that party? You would have never known who I was, and we would have never been here together.”
I look at her incredulously. “Are we really going to play the what-if game? What if Sophia hadn’t slept with Joe? What if my dad wasn’t gay? It doesn’t fucking matter because it’s not real.” I pull her into me. “I can’t take back the shitty things I did to you, but I can be a better person. I can’t explain the way you make me feel, but I can tell you I’ve never felt more alive in my entire life than when I’m with you.”