by Kira Adams
Mack looks back at me through his thick black-framed glasses, and I know he’s heard the news by now. It’s not surprising that by the time the bell rings, he is headed straight for me.
“What happened to her?” he asks in an accusatory tone. I know he is only worried, but it’s not helping.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
“Where is she?” he asks.
“At the nurse’s office. I’m headed there now to check up on her. Want to come?” I offer.
He nods stiffly. As we walk down the hall together, I can see the tension in his shoulders.
“Whatever you have to say, you might as well say it now.”
He looks over at me with narrowed eyes. “What is going on between you two?”
I sigh. “Look, man, I know you told me to stay away from her, but it’s not that easy.”
He glares back at me. “Sure it is. You just go back to treating her like she doesn’t exist. It can’t be that hard.”
I stop walking abruptly. “I was an asshole. I did a lot of things I regret, to both of you, and I’m sorry.”
“Was?” he basically spits out.
“I’m doing the best I can here, Mack, but you gotta let me try.”
I’m not sure if he’s satisfied with my answer, but we walk in silence for a few moments before he speaks again.
“So, are you two like…together?”
I open my mouth to answer before realizing I’m not even sure what we are. We never established that. I know I like her and she likes me, but I don’t know if there is a title to what we are yet.
I inhale deeply. “I’m not sure what we are.”
This seems to anger him. “Oh, great. You’re going to lead her on and then break her heart. Ciera is not like the other girls you’ve been with.”
I grab his shoulder. “No she’s not. She’s better. I would never do anything to hurt her intentionally.” And then I pick up my pace toward the room I left her in earlier.
When we make it inside, it’s empty, Ciera nowhere in sight. Ms. Gregory is sitting down at her desk, her eyes trained on her computer screen. She looks up from it, and then a guilty expression washes over her face. “Topher.”
“Where is she?” I ask angrily, inching toward her.
“Her mother came to pick her up. I’m sorry, it only happened within the last half hour.”
My shoulders tense up.
“Do you know what’s wrong with her?” Mack asks in a gentle voice, much calmer than I am.
Ms. Gregory’s facial expression turns sad. “I’m not allowed to discuss student records. I think that is something you two should be speaking with Ciera about.”
“You’re no fucking help,” I mutter under my breath as I rip the door open and stalk out into the hall.
“Mr. Carlson!” I hear her call after me, reprimanding me for my foul language, but I couldn’t care less.
I decide to ditch the rest of my classes and instead head straight to her house. I can’t focus on anything but whether or not she will be alright. Mack shows up at my locker as I am about to leave campus. “I’m coming with you.”
“Hell no you aren’t,” I growl.
“Yes I am. Ciera is my best friend. I have a right to know what is going on too.”
He is just as worried about her as me, if not more, and I realize I’m being unfair in thinking I’m the only one who cares about her. He’s in love with her; I’ve known it for a while now. I have no idea if she has realized it yet, but it doesn’t matter.
“Fine,” I bite out.
I push out the front doors with Mack in tow.
“Mack?” Ms. Nelson peeks her head out from behind their apartment door. “What are you doing here?”
He rubs the back of his head uncomfortably. “We heard about what happened with Ciera and just wanted to make sure she’s alright.”
Ms. Nelson sighs softly. “She’s going to be okay. You know you didn’t have to come all the way out here.”
Mack shrugs. “I know, but we wanted to.”
Ciera’s mom looks a lot like her, the same piercing blue eyes and nose structure. She has a smaller frame, but I can see the resemblances.
“Hi, I’m Topher.” I reach out my hand to shake hers.
She looks down at it and then back up at my eyes. “So you’re the infamous Topher.”
I pull my hand back in awkwardly. “She’s talked about me before?”
Ms. Nelson nods her head, smiling lightly. “She won’t shut up about you.”
My cheeks begin to flush as Mack’s eyes land on me as well.
“Mom!” I hear Ciera shout, and then she appears behind her mother in the doorway.
“Oh, dear, I didn’t realize how rude I’ve been. Would you guys like to come in?” her mother asks, opening the door wider.
“No, no, it’s okay,” Ciera says quickly, taking a step toward us, but her mother is too fast.
Before I know it, we’ve been pulled inside the mysterious apartment. There are toys scattered around the floor, and as my eyes dart around, I realize it’s the smallest apartment I’ve ever been in. It can’t be more than 500 square feet. I see two separate doors off the living room and make a guess that it is only a one-bedroom apartment. I notice that the couch appears to be made up like a bed, and I wonder how long they’ve had to fit four people into such a small space.
Ciera looks beyond mortified that we are inside their personal living area, and she is rushing around the room attempting to tidy up. She looks fine.
Mack engages in a conversation with her mother in the kitchen while she grabs some water for us, and I approach Ciera slowly.
“Hey,” I say softly, reaching my hand out to touch her elbow.
She looks up at me with a pained expression. “Hey.”
“Are you okay? What happened back at school?”
She drops an armful of toys into a bin next to the wall and then sighs, placing her hands on her hips. “I’m fine. Why?”
She’s acting as if any of this is normal. “You were in the fetal position, unconscious. I know because I was there. I carried you to the nurse’s office.”
Ciera’s cheeks grow pink. “Just a migraine, that’s it.”
“People don’t normally pass out from a migraine, Ciera,” I tell her.
She shrugs. “It’s really not that big of a deal.”
“If it’s not that big of a deal, why aren’t you in school right now?” I ask the obvious question.
She looks like a deer caught in the headlights.
“Ms. Gregory suggested I take the rest of the day off, so I took her advice.”
Mack and Ms. Nelson make their way into the living room with us. There is only one couch in the small area, so I opt to stand while they all make themselves comfortable.
“Well as long as you’re okay, we should probably be getting back to school.” Mack gulps his water quickly, standing. Even he is feeling uncomfortable. I’m guessing he’s never been inside her apartment either.
“To hell we will,” I say under my breath.
“Topher!” Ciera exclaims, scolding me with her lethal stare.
“I’m sorry,” I say, tossing my hands in the air. “You’re keeping something from us, and something tells me it’s important.”
Ms. Nelson locks eyes with Ciera, and it’s as if they are having a silent argument right there in front of us.
“Excuse me.” Ms. Nelson stands and exits the room, leaving us alone with Mack.
Mack is staring at Ciera with a confused expression. “What’s going on?” He addresses the question to both of us.
Ciera sighs loudly before leaning back. “I haven’t been completely honest with you…either of you.”
My stomach drops as I inch closer, not wanting to miss a moment of her confession. “It wasn’t as simple as having a migraine.”
Mack glances at me briefly then looks back at Ciera.
“I’m sick.”
“Do you need me to take y
ou to the doctor?” Mack offers quickly.
She shakes her head. “No, not that kind of sick.”
She gets up and begins pacing the room, making me feel just how uncomfortable she is within this moment. “I have a mass in my brain.”
Of all the thoughts running through my head, I never in a million years saw this coming. “What?” I ask, my mouth dry.
She nods sadly. “I found out a few months ago, but by the time I had a chance to be seen, it was already too big to operate on.”
My eyes are darting between Mack and Ciera, and I’m trying to make sense of what she’s telling us.
“What are you saying?” Mack asks quietly, his eyes full of concern.
The silence is deafening before she finally answers him. “I’m dying.”
22
I hadn’t planned on telling either of them about my tumor until much later, but after they showed up at my house, unannounced, I realized how unfair I have been about all this. It’s obvious to me now just how much they both care about me, and they have a right to know. Unfortunately, now they are both staring at me like I’m a ghost. The color has drained completely from Topher’s face, and Mack is looking at me with a gaping mouth.
“So you’ve known this whole time?” Topher asks in a hurt tone.
I can’t even look him in the eyes. The pity and anger he has toward me are almost too much to bear.
“How long?” Mack asks bitterly.
“Mack…” I begin, but he cuts me off.
“How long!” There is fire behind his eyes, and I know I can’t lie to him anymore.
“February 20th,” I say softly.
“You know the exact date?” he asks incredulously.
I nod slowly, knowing he is not going to like what I’m about to say next. “I picked it.”
“What do you mean you picked it?” Topher basically spits out.
“I mean I was approved for the Death with Dignity Act, and I am going to move forward with it.”
Both Topher and Mack exchange wary glances before their eyes land back on me.
“You’re choosing to end your life?” Topher cries out.
“I’m going to die, Topher. There’s nothing I can do about that, but at least this way, I will have some control over how it happens…who I am at the end of all this.”
Topher stalks over to the door, unable to look me in the eyes. “I can’t hear any more of this bullshit.”
“Topher,” I say softly, but he rips the door open and barrels down the steps before I get a chance to say anything else.
I turn to Mack, tears forming in my eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks gently, his face reddening as well.
I shrug. “I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I just want to be able to live my life as normally as possible until I can’t anymore.”
He takes a few hesitant steps toward me. “You’re my best friend,” he says softly. “Who am I going to make fun of the A-Team with?” His expression is full of sadness, and I can see that he is trying to fight the emotions boiling up inside of him.
“I’m still here,” I say, grabbing his hands in mine.
He huffs, averting his gaze. “I feel like this is all a bad dream.”
I exhale slowly. “Believe me, I wish it were.”
He’s shaking as he wraps his arms around my body in a comforting hug. “You deserve so much more than this.”
I nod into his shoulder, my tears wetting his shirt.
“You better hurry up.” I motion with my head toward the door. “Before he leaves without you.”
He chuckles lightly. “He’s an asshole, but I don’t think he’s that much of an asshole.”
Sure enough, I walk Mack outside, and Topher is sitting on the ground, leaning against his loaner. His head is in his hands, and I turn my eyes to Mack. “Do you mind giving us a few moments?”
He nods. “Sure, I could use the fresh air anyway.” He begins walking away.
I lower myself onto the cold, hard, gray concrete next to Topher. “Look on the bright side,” I say. “At least you didn’t fall in love with me.”
He turns his eyes to me, burning me with his glare. “You’re joking…at a time like this?”
I sigh. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but to be honest, everything that’s happened between us has taken me by complete surprise. A few weeks ago you were a member of the A-Team, a guy who loved to torment me. And now…”
“And now what?” he presses.
“I don’t know what you are, but I know you mean something to me. It’s still new and fresh, and I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to run the other way knowing what you know now.”
His eyes appear glossy. “I just found you,” he whispers.
I rest my head on his shoulder. “I’ve always been here, Topher. You just looked right past me.”
“I’ve been an idiot.”
I giggle softly. “You said it, not me.”
“So what now?” he asks.
“Now you help me complete my bucket list like you said you would. Now you help me experience life as best I can.”
He takes a shaky breath in. “And then?”
“I don’t know,” I reply sadly. “Hopefully you will be able to take away something just as special.”
He turns his face toward mine and gently presses his lips against my forehead. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
The minute the words are out of his mouth, he can’t take them back. My stomach twists and turns nervously.
“What do you suppose we do about that?” he asks.
I look up into his eyes. “I think we need take a step back and learn to be friends. I’m not saying it won’t be hard once I’m gone, because I’m sure it will be, but it won’t be as hard as if we continue moving forward romantically.”
He sighs loudly. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Then do it for me,” I answer.
I want to tell him I don’t mean any of it and I take back what I just said, but I know this will be better in the long run…easier for him.
“What about winter formal?” he asks.
“It’s on my list. I still want to go with you.”
He nods slowly. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”
I want you, but life isn’t fair.
When I return to school the following day, I’m still assaulted by stares and whispers. Sophia is back to being her regular old self, shooting me death glares from across the hall. At least she isn’t getting physical with me today.
Actually, the entire A-Team has backed off. I don’t know if it’s because of the scare from our last interaction or intimidation from Topher, but things have been easier, even—dare I say it—normal? It’s amazing how different an experience can be when it isn’t full of negatives.
Topher is, not surprisingly, absent. I know he is having trouble accepting everything, but I miss him. I miss his intense gazes, his small dimples from smiling, and his laugh. Mack refuses to leave my side, except during the classes we don’t share together, and I don’t even have to look for him afterward; he’s simply waiting outside every class I have, ready to walk together. He’s treating me like I’m already fading away, and surprisingly, it doesn’t irritate me.
Halloween comes and goes quietly. I spend the night at Mack’s house, passing out candy to the trick-or-treaters. A phone shows up at my door one day with a sticky note attached saying it’s from Topher. It’s one of those smart phones with the touchscreen, and I can barely figure out how to make a phone call off the damn thing. It feels so foreign in my hands, but for once, I have a means of communication. Topher signed me up for an unlimited plan, meaning it also has internet. For the first time in my life, I get the chance to explore the infamous website they call Facebook and understand firsthand how addicting it is. I find myself losing hours simply browsing the web some days.
Mack helps me conquer numbers six, nine, and fifteen off of my list, and I’m thankful
for the time we get to spend together. My body is definitely not cut out for hiking mountains, but it’s an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world. My migraines are becoming more frequent now, at least once a week, and the seizures are claiming me once every couple of weeks. I can feel my timer slowly running out.
I’m still trying to get the hang of this texting business. Unfortunately for me, it’s Topher’s favorite means of communication. I don’t understand what is so difficult about picking up a phone and calling someone, but I digress.
He’s taken enough steps back from me, and besides taking a spur-of-the-moment trip to Portland to visit the zoo and ride the MAX, I haven’t seen much of him. We text, but he has definitely been keeping his distance. We see each other at school, but the sadness radiates off of him. Even Sophia and Joe have backed off of him completely. They almost seem civil at times. It’s strange to think a couple of weeks ago we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, and now we are more like acquaintances. I know it’s better this way, but it still hurts.
Thanksgiving is coming up in less than a week, and I know it’s going to be a conflicting time for Topher, so I shoot him a quick text.
Hey.
He responds within moments: Hey you.
How are you? I ask.
I’ve been better. How are you feeling, you alright?
Yeah, I’m good. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and I’m here for you if you need to talk.
A few moments pass before I finally get a response. What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
Taking care of Rose and Wesley. My mother is working a shift at the call center for holiday pay. Why?
You should come spend it at my house. My father is having it catered. Bring Rose and Wes—there will be plenty of room for them.