by Kira Adams
We hear a knock on the door and both of our heads shoot upright. “Mack is still waiting,” Topher’s dad warns us.
“Sorry,” I hurriedly apologize, sitting up straighter against the headboard. It would be wonderful if I had enough energy to walk down the stairs, but I’m exhausted. Most days, I can only spend a few hours on my feet before the fatigue kicks in.
Topher stands up from the bed and motions toward the hallway. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”
I nod as Mack’s familiar thin face appears when he pokes his head in the door. “Can I come in?” he asks. He has cut his hair since the last time I saw him, buzzing it off. He’s still wearing the same black frames as he steps inside. “Hey you,” he says softly as he approaches.
“Take a seat.” I pat the bed.
He inches closer, awkwardly standing at the foot of the bed.
He takes a shaky breath in. “None of this seems real.”
I nod in agreement. “I know.”
He glances at me. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“So don’t say anything,” I tell him. I pat a free spot on the bed next to me. “We can find something to watch.” I hand him the remote, giving him control. He climbs onto the bed and then presses himself up against the pillows. As he flips through the channels, my eyes grow heavy, and I lean my head on his shoulder for support. I slip a note into his pocket when he isn’t looking. I hope he finds it.
I’m going to miss Mack. I’m going to miss them all.
Only two more days. It’s like a black cloud hovering above my head. I’ve seen everyone I wanted to see, done everything I could muster up energy to do, and now I just want to spend my last days with Topher. I have seen my mother and siblings every day, although as the time draws near, it’s more difficult to be around my mother. She can’t stop crying as the finality of it all sinks in.
Today is one of the rare days I don’t have a migraine bogging me down, so I plan to make the most of it. I’m up before the rest of the household, making pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs, and toast. It’s a breakfast fit for a king. My mother and siblings have been staying here as well, wanting to spend as much time as they can with me. It also helps because my mother has been able to take FMLA the last couple of weeks from work to spend more time with me. The Family and Medical Leave Act is helpful because it is a federal law that guarantees my mother job security while she takes unpaid leave. Someone anonymously set up a GoFundMe for my family after I’m gone, and it’s already raised over $50,000. My bet is on Madalynne, but nevertheless, my family is going to be taken care of. That’s all that matters in the end.
Topher’s father is the first one to make it downstairs, his nose in the air. “What is that delicious smell?”
I smile back at him. “Just making breakfast for everyone.”
“That is so kind of you, Ciera,” he says softly, and then he comes over and hugs me lightly. “Do you need any help?”
I look at the food in front of me then back at him. “Actually, could you make some coffee?” I ask.
He grins widely. “Great! Something I can do.” He grabs the coffee pot, carrying it to the sink and then running water into it. “You look like you’re feeling better,” he comments as he shuts the faucet off.
I look down at myself. “I do,” I say proudly. “No migraines today, and I had a spurt of energy, so I’m running with it.”
He smiles back at me, sadness beneath his eyes just like the rest of them. “He’s going to be lost without you.”
I’m surprised he goes there. Most of my family tiptoes around the issue. No one is comfortable with saying the words out loud. I’m not afraid. I know what’s coming. I know I am going to die. I know these are the last moments I will be able to spend with them.
I inhale sharply. “Just be there for him. Don’t let him fall back into his old ways. I’m counting on you,” I say.
He nods sadly. “Will do.”
“Mmmm,” I hear from the other side of the room. I whip around and Wes is standing there with a wide grin on his face.
“You want to help set the table?” I ask, and he eagerly nods. Not too long after, Rose appears alongside my tired-looking mom.
Topher is the last to make it down. He looks beyond exhausted. He didn’t get an ounce of sleep last night. I felt him tossing and turning every few seconds. He’s torn up inside, and it’s all my fault. I heard him sneaking off to the bathroom, and then his muffled sobs. I wanted to tell him it will all be okay. I wanted to tell him it’s okay to love again, but I couldn’t. So I just lay there and listened to the sounds of him shuffling around.
As we all eat breakfast, I look around the room, attempting to memorize the faces around me. I don’t know what comes after death, but if these are my last moments, I want to embed them in my mind until the last possible second.
Topher joins me in the bedroom after we have all eaten and cleared the dishes. I lie back on the pillows, tired. Topher catapults himself behind me, rattling the entire bed.
“Showoff,” I mutter.
He grins, throwing his arm above his head. “So what now?”
“Let’s go camping,” I say, lifting my eyebrows enthusiastically.
His eyes widen. “Ciera, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
I sigh annoyed. “You’re making this too difficult. Let’s go camping.” I point my finger out the window toward the back yard.
A look of recognition passes across his face. “You want to recreate that night?”
I smile. Technically, that wasn’t why I suggested it, but it isn’t a bad idea.
Topher does all the work, allowing me to rest in the room until he’s done. It’s nearing one in the afternoon when he finally wakes me up from my nap to take me downstairs. My eyes trail the entire back yard, and I’m surprised to see that, apart from a simple tent and sleeping bags, Topher has gone all out. There are Christmas lights draped across the entire fence. They are white and will surely look beautiful at night.
When we climb inside the tent, there is a blow-up mattress, already made up with sheets and blankets. “What do you think?” he asks timidly.
I crack a smile. “I think you did an amazing job. It’s perfect.”
He breathes a sigh of relief then kisses me on the lips quickly. “I’m happy you like it.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in for a close hug. I rub my hand up and down his back in a soothing pattern. “I’m going to miss you the most,” I whisper.
He pulls away from me, his bottom lip quivering.
I swipe my finger across his cheek gently. “Don’t cry, my love. We still have time together, we should be enjoying every second.”
He breathes in deeply. “This isn’t fair.”
I purse my lips, glancing down. “Listen to me.” I guide his eyes toward mine. “You’re going to miss me. At first, it’s going to feel like hell. You won’t want to get out of bed. You’ll want to say fuck it to life. Don’t. The only way to move on is to keep moving. Don’t let yourself stall out.” I exhale, the words flowing throughout my body. “You’re not any better than anyone else, and don’t forget your manners.
“After a few weeks, the pain is going to become a dull pain, one you will feel every day but that isn’t crippling. Stay involved with school, surround yourself with friends, and try to put one foot in front of the other.”
He looks back at me, his eyes glossing over. He blinks a few times, making my heart pinch.
“Eventually, you will wake up and realize you’ve been living life without me. You won’t know when it happened or how you made it, but things will just be easier.” I sigh, preparing myself for my next statement. “Someday, you will move on from me. Maybe it’s not right away, maybe it’s a few months down the road, or even a couple of years, but the day will come when you will meet someone new.” I pause, my eyes stinging with tears. I don’t want to think of Topher with anyone else. “Whatever you do, don’t compare her to me. You’ll live t
he rest of your life comparing oranges and apples, and you’ll never be happy again. Find out who she is on the inside and give her a fair chance, and remember, different isn’t always a bad thing.”
He pulls me in, pressing his lips to mine eagerly. “No one could ever compare to you.”
I laugh. “You have to say that.”
He kisses me again. “I want to say that.”
His kisses leave me breathless as we wrap ourselves up in one another. We are going to watch the sunset tonight and roast s’mores. Some people might find this boring, but it’s the most adventurous night I’ve had in a while.
I pull away. “I love you,” I murmur softly.
He presses his lips to my forehead. “I love you more than you will ever know.”
My heart tightens. The boy who tortured me became the boy who made me feel, the man who helped me live. He’s changed so drastically from our first encounter that I can’t help but feel responsible and proud.
I fell in love with one person in my lifetime, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’d endure this outcome a thousand times over if it meant more time with him. Even though I’m dying, I feel lucky. In my short eighteen years of life, I experienced an epic love, one people only dream of finding.
I don’t know what the future holds for me after all of this, but I just hope he’s factored in there somewhere.
Epilogue
Just because it was pre-planned did not make it any easier. February 20th rolled around, and we piled around Ciera’s bedside to say goodbye to her. It happened so quickly, and before we knew it, she was gone. Unexpected visitors showed up at her funeral to pay their respects. Joe, Sophia, and even Alyssa all made appearances. They never understood my relationship with her, but when the time came, they were there for me.
Sophia surprised even me on the day. I had forgotten that at one point in time, Sophia and Ciera were actual friends. She cried, buckets of tears, regrets she spilled at Ciera’s bedside. She apologized for her part in all the bullying Ciera endured. She actually seemed remorseful. It was a surprising yet good look for her. She brought a stuffed bunny, a token that meant something to the both of them. They laughed and then cried, and then they hugged. It’s unfortunate that it took something of this caliber for Sophia to act like a normal human being.
Ciera changed me in ways I never dreamed possible. She inspired me. She taught me to live life to the fullest because you never know what tomorrow might bring. Because of her, I savor each and every small moment in life. I miss her every day. I miss her wide sapphire eyes that immobilized me. I miss her smile that could light up a room. I miss her innocence.
I hated the person I was before Ciera. I had given up on life. I thought that was as good as it could get. Before her, I coasted through on my good looks and popularity. I let it define me. I let people’s expectations define me. She showed me that in the real world, looks and popularity don’t mean jack shit. She showed me that the most powerful expectations are those we carve out for ourselves.
I don’t take anything or anyone for granted anymore.
I feel her everywhere. I know she’s watching and proud. I see her in everything: the sun, the sky, flowers. It’s as if part of her is spread amongst it all. She was cremated, and Ms. Nelson and I scattered her ashes along the Oregon coast. I go back from time to time to visit, to talk with her.
I look forward to the day we meet again, to the day I get to feel her smooth skin and touch her soft lips. I know she is waiting for me, wherever she is.
Mack,
You have been such a bright soul in my dark life. You loved me for the real person inside and out. You stood by me through it all, and although I couldn’t give you exactly what you wanted, you never faulted me for it. You never made me feel guilty.
I know it isn’t going to be easy without me. I’m scared to not have you in my life anymore. You’re the most amazing friend I could have ever asked for. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I’m going to miss you the most.
I know we haven’t spent as much time as usual since Topher came into my life, but there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t want to share pieces of it with you. I’m going to miss you like hell.
You and Topher haven’t always seen eye to eye, but I hope I can count on you to keep him in line for me. You don’t have to be best friends, just check on him from time to time and make sure he’s not hanging with the wrong crowd again.
You are one of the best people I know. You deserve the world and more. Don’t settle. Get out there and live life! Travel, meet girls, explore, but most of all have fun. You have the rest of your life ahead of you—don’t take it for granted.
Thank you for a friendship that meant the world to me.
I love you, Mack. Take care of yourself.
Love,
Ciera
Topher,
I wish I could tell you it’s all going to be okay, but you know I’d be lying.
When I first found out about my tumor, I cried and lashed out. I couldn’t understand why it had to be me. I found the unfairness in all of it. I was too young. I didn’t get a chance to enjoy all that life had to offer…and then I spent time with you, and I couldn’t understand how someone who had everything could be so negative, could be so cynical. I envied you for the life I knew you were going to have, a long one full of love, laughter, and even heartbreak.
And then I met the real you, the person inside just dying to get out. You were full of life and you pushed me to experience more, to do more with the time I had left. I wasn’t anticipating you, but I embraced all of it. You’re a much better person than even you give yourself credit for.
I know it’s going to be difficult these coming weeks without me, but please don’t be afraid to embrace those feelings. Sometimes, you have to be fully broken in order to piece yourself together again.
Please watch over my mother, Rose, and Wesley. Make sure they are going to be okay. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your father. He loves you and I have no doubt he will be there for you in this difficult time. I want you to take the necessary time to grieve for me, but I don’t want you slipping back into your depression. I don’t want you to fall back into your old ways. Being numb isn’t any better than being sad; it’s just easier. Sometimes the easy route isn’t necessarily the best one.
You always say I am the best thing that ever happened to you, but you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. In all honestly, I feel as though you were brought into my life for a reason. I wasn’t strong enough to go through it all on my own, but you helped me find my strength. Thank you for helping me to finally live.
Remember that just because you can’t see me anymore doesn’t mean I’m not there. I’m always going to be watching over you, protecting you in any way I can. Remember that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
I will love you all the days of my life.
Until we meet again…
Yours,
Ciera
List of Things to do Before I’m Gone:
1. Fly a kite at the beach
2. Go skinny-dipping
3. Go camping
4. Roast marshmallows
5. Explore a cave
6. Play miniature golf
7. Write a book
8. See a shooting star
9. Hike Mt. Hood
10. Ride a horse
11. Go sledding
12. Have a snowball fight
13. Make love
14. Fall in love
15. Sing karaoke
16. Go to the zoo
17. Ride the Max
18. Dine and ditch
19. Meet my father
20. Drink champagne
21. Get a tattoo
22. Get a piercing
23. Find my muse
24. Go to winter formal
25. Go to a theme park
26. Sign up for a 5k
27. Get my diploma
28. Find a sand dollar
29. Try ice skating
30. Go to a haunted house
Preview of the second book in the Infinite Love Series, Life After
Chapter One
Holy fucking shit. This girl is nuts.
I can’t help the smirk spreading across my lips. I bring my glass up to my mouth, taking another sip from it.
“Look, man, I won fair and square, and you want to be a sore loser? You knew what you were getting into when you agreed to play. I’m sorry you underestimated my skills.”
The giant of a man stalks forward toward the girl. She doesn’t move an inch. Badass.
She looks fierce behind her glossy black hair. The bottom of her hair is dyed teal, and she has chocolatey brown eyes. She is short, no taller than 5’2”. She has an hourglass figure, and I’m pretty sure she’s Hispanic. Although much smaller than her opponent, she stands tall. There is no fear in her eyes. I can’t look away.
What’s even more entrancing is the fact that this isn’t just a two-person argument—there are two more goons standing behind the one in the altercation. They have their arms crossed in front of their chests, waiting for the right moment to jump right in.
“Give me my money back and maybe I’ll let you walk out of here,” the huge man threatens. He has bulging biceps and looks Hawaiian.
The ferocious girl glances up at him. “Maybe you’ll let me walk out of here?” She laughs, slamming the money back onto the pool table. “You’re going to pay me what you owe me, and maybe I’ll forget this ever happened.”
I don’t know this girl from Adam, but she’s downright insane if she thinks she can take him.
I walk over to where they’re standing, and the girl looks back at me, startled by my presence. “Excuse me guys, is there a problem here?” I address the hulk of a man.
He glowers back at me as his eyes flit between the badass chick and me.