by Marie Landry
Since I started making regular visits to campus, I’m always on high alert, watching for Kieran. I’ve had a few instances similar to the one at Bellevue Records, where I thought I spotted him, but it wasn’t actually him. The Loyola campus is huge and he lives off site, which reduces my chances of running into him. However, the cafeteria is a different story; it’s massive and there are tons of people in here, but if Kieran actually did get a dining card like he said he was going to, he could be here.
Anxiety mixes with anticipation in my gut, churning until I’ve lost my appetite. I mindlessly get the same thing as Kitty, not even noticing what’s being put on my plate. My attention snaps into focus when she tells the woman working the cash register to put both our meals on her card.
“I’ll pay for mine,” I protest.
Ignoring me, she shakes her head at the woman, who’s now hesitating, and tells her to go ahead. As we pick our trays back up and head toward the tables, Kitty says, “My dining card is covered by one of my scholarships, so I basically eat for free.”
“Oh. Well, maybe I’ll come eat at the cafeteria more often then.” I say it lightly and we both laugh, but I’m semi-serious. One of the ways I’ve been saving money lately is by scrimping on groceries. I’m still eating as healthy as I can, but I’m always hunting for the cheapest alternatives, and often buy discounted produce in the ‘almost expired’ section. I’ve also cut out luxuries like my favorite weekly brie and fancy crackers, the brand of almond milk I like, and a few other things. Compared to a lot of people, I’m still blessed financially, so whenever I pass those things in the supermarket or go for a much cheaper generic brand of something, I remind myself it’s not actually a hardship and at least I can still afford to eat.
My eyes sweep the cafeteria as I follow Kitty. She’s talking about a new group of friends she met through Petra, and how they should be at a table near the back windows. “Oh good, they’re here. Do you mind sitting with them?”
“No, of course not.”
She stops at the end of a long rectangular table, and I force my eyes to finally quit their search for a head of dark curls. My gaze settles on Petra, who I’ve met a couple times now. I smile to myself when Kitty bends to place a quick kiss on the other girl’s cheek.
“Hey, Meredith, good to see you,” Petra says when Kitty straightens. “Do you know everyone else?”
I cast a glance at the other four people at the table, nearly doing a double take when my gaze meets a familiar set of light blue eyes. Eyes that are as wide and surprised as mine probably are. Kitty is introducing everyone, but I don’t hear a word she’s saying over the sudden thundering in my ears.
“Meredith? Meredith.” Kitty touches my arm, and I pry my gaze away from Kieran’s. “Do you two already know each other?”
My eyes dart back to Kieran. He’s schooled his face in the last few seconds, the shock replaced by nonchalance. Now he’s looking at me like I’m a stranger. I guess I deserve that. “N-no,” I say, turning back to Kitty. “No, this is our first time meeting.”
Kitty gives me a strange look, probably because of my odd choice of words. They were more for Kieran than for her, though. He had talked about the ‘what ifs’ the last time we were together—what if things were different, what if we’d met another way—and I had shut it down because there was no use wondering.
The old me, who was full of hope and positivity and a belief the universe was always looking out for her wants to think we were meant to meet like this. Right here, right now, separate from my job at HTC. Just two regular people. Maybe we could wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Go forward from here and now.
But when I look at Kieran again, his attention has shifted to the guy beside him. And that’s when I know I blew it for real. There’ll be no clean slate or fresh start for us.
Kitty nudges me, making me realize I’m just standing here staring at Kieran. She sits across from Petra and indicates the seat next to her, which puts me across from the guy beside Kieran. The other two girls at the table have gone back to their conversation and are basically ignoring the rest of us. I finally look down at my meal: chicken fingers, fries, and salad.
I start eating, barely tasting the food. Conversation buzzes around me. I catch snippets of what Kieran and his friend are saying; they’re mostly talking about school, and the other guy mentions something about seeing a band next weekend. My eyes have a mind of their own, and despite telling them to concentrate on my food or literally anything else in this whole huge cafeteria, they continually gravitate to Kieran. Our gazes lock a few times, but only ever for a brief moment before his shifts away.
This is torture. Even worse is knowing it’s my own fault. I could be here with Kieran, sitting beside him, holding his hand, talking and laughing with the group like a normal person. Instead, the others are probably thinking Kitty brought a weirdo to dinner.
Kitty, bless her, asks me to tell Petra about Bellevue Village because she’d like to check it out and see what kinds of jobs are available. Talking about work is comfortable territory for me, so I tell Petra about the general running of the place and what businesses are within the Village.
“I’ll give you my card before I leave,” I tell her. “You can call me and we’ll arrange a time for me to give you a personal tour of the place if you’d like.”
“That would be awesome, thank you.” She gives me a bright smile, inclining her head toward Kitty. “Maybe the three of us could hang out sometime. Kitty talks about you constantly.”
Kitty’s cheeks have been flushed with pleasure since we sat down, and they darken now at Petra’s words. “Not constantly.”
“Constantly,” Petra says, shooting me a wink. Guilt gnaws at me for spending most of dinner lost in my own little world. Luckily, Kitty and Petra don’t seem to mind. I still need to get it together, though.
By the time I finish eating, the other two girls who were at the table have left, and Kieran and his friend have shoved their trays aside and brought out sketchbooks. I take advantage of their distraction and tell Kitty and Petra I’d better get going. Gathering my tray, I shoot one last glance Kieran’s way. My chest tightens when I find him watching me. The tightness turns to a vice when, for the first time tonight, he doesn’t look away. The longer our eyes hold, the more I’m sure he looks as lost and uncertain as I feel. I’m not sure whether that makes me feel better or worse.
Forcing myself to move, I pick up my tray and say, “It was nice meeting you both.” I don’t address Kieran by name because I wasn’t paying attention when Kitty introduced everyone. The other guy gives me a smile and says he hopes to see me around again. All I get from Kieran is a short nod before he drops his gaze back to the sketchbook.
I say goodbye to Petra and accept Kitty’s offer to walk me out. We leave our trays in the designated area and head through the cafeteria toward the front of the building where I’m parked. Kitty doesn’t say anything and I don’t either because I’m dwelling on the expression on Kieran’s face before I left.
“You know Kieran somehow, don’t you?” Kitty asks when we step out into the cool evening air.
I fumble my keys, dropping them on the ground. Kitty scoops them up, enclosing them in her fist rather than handing them to me. I guess this is her way of ensuring I’ll answer her.
“Yes. We…know each other.” I contemplate what to say beyond that. The same confidentiality rules that stopped me from telling her about Kieran in the first place still apply. Just because I know I can trust Kitty doesn’t mean I can break Kieran’s—or HTC’s—confidence.
“You know, it’s funny,” Kitty says before I can say anything else. “The other day in group, Alejandro was talking about rules, especially the rules we put in place for ourselves. They’re there to protect us, to keep us safe. But sometimes they make a convenient excuse for why we think we can’t do something.”
Awareness zings through me, making the hairs on the back of my neck lift. “Where are you going with this, Kitty?
”
“Well, it’s just that I happened to look over while Alejandro was speaking and I saw your expression. You had this intense look like you understood exactly what he was saying. He was talking about his eating disorder recovery and the rules were in relation to dieting and exercise and perception, but they could apply to a lot of other things, right? And I felt like you understood that.”
She pauses, reaching for my hand and dropping my keys into my palm. “I guess this is my roundabout way of saying I’m glad you broke the rules when it came to me. We met in what a lot of people would see as a strange, unconventional way, but life is strange and unconventional sometimes, don’t you think? Some rules are there to keep us safe and others are meant to be broken. They’re there because we put them there, but that also means we can be the ones to remove them.”
Sometimes when I’m with Kitty the age gap between us is glaringly evident. There are times, like when she uses a certain slang phrase or plays a song that sounds more like noise than music, that I feel absolutely ancient. But right now, Kitty feels much older and wiser than her twenty years. Definitely wiser than I’ve been lately.
“And what if you realize certain rules are meant to be broken, but it’s too late?” I ask. “You’ve missed your chance.”
“I’d say…with some things, it’s never too late.” She glances at her watch and gives me a rueful smile. “But I’m going to be late to the movies with Petra if I don’t leave now. I can cancel if you wanna hang out and talk more. Or you can come with us. Who needs sleep anyway?”
I laugh. “Ask me that question in another decade or so.” We share a long, tight embrace and I thank her for everything, promising to take a rain check on the movie night.
On the walk to my car, I replay my conversation with Kitty. I can’t help wondering if it really is too late for anything to happen with Kieran. The mixed signals he gave me tonight could be attributed to his surprise at seeing me. He could have thought—and who knows, maybe hoped—he’d never see me again, and then there I was all of a sudden in his space. His reaction could have been true indifference because he’s either over what happened or it didn’t mean as much to him as it meant to me…or he could have acted that way because that’s how he thought he should act.
What if I do still have a chance with him? Wouldn’t it be better to find out now than to continue torturing myself? Not to mention there’s a chance I’ll chicken out if I don’t act on these thoughts. I’ve almost reached my car when I whip around, intent on marching back to the cafeteria in the hopes Kieran is still there.
I’ve only made it a few steps when I see Kieran standing at the edge of the parking lot. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and rocks back and forth on his heels. We’re both frozen where we stand, neither of us making a move to join the other. I suddenly wish life were like the movies; we’d both start running, I’d leap into his arms, and we’d kiss until we’re both breathless.
He’s the first to move. I still feel like I’m rooted to the pavement. When he gets closer, passing under one of the pole-mounted lights, I see a mixture of hope and wariness crossing his features.
It seems to take an eternity for him to reach me, even though it’s only a matter of seconds. The few feet of space he leaves between us feels like a huge chasm. He narrows his eyes, studying my face intently before giving the barest of nods, as if he’s decided something.
“This may sound strange since we just met and all, but I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me sometime.”
A sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob escapes me. I’m not sure who reaches out first, but the next thing I know I’m in Kieran’s arms and we’re kissing like our lives depend on it. I clutch at his shirt, fisting it in both hands as he grips my waist, holding me tight.
He pulls away first, breathless. His fingers move to my face, brushing tears from my cheeks. I register the moisture glistening in his eyelashes, and my heart contracts, aching in the sweetest way when I realize our unexpected reunion has made him as emotional as it’s made me.
“I don’t usually kiss girls I just met,” he says.
His shirt is still clenched in my fists, so I release it, moving my hands to his shoulders. “I hope you’ll get used to kissing me.”
“I’d like that.” His smile is less tentative than before, but it still wavers around the edges. “I’ve missed you, Meredith.”
“I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry for being so stupid.”
He shakes his head, brushing his thumb over my cheek again. “We have a lot to talk about if we’re going to move forward from here, but I need to get back and finish a big assignment for class. Are you free tomorrow night?”
“Yes.” I answer without hesitation. Neither of us makes a move to release the other. I don’t want to leave, even though I know I have to. Part of me worries I’ve fallen asleep at my desk yet again, and I’ll wake up, breathless and heart aching, to discover this was all a dream.
“Right. Okay. Tomorrow then. I’ll call you later to make plans,” he says. I nod and he places a sweet, chaste kiss on my lips. His gaze hasn’t stopped moving over my face, as if making sure I’m real and this is actually happening. I know exactly how he feels; my fingers keep tightening compulsively on his shoulders, ensuring he’s not a figment of my overtired brain. Finally, we step apart and he waits while I get into my car, giving me a little wave as I pull out of my parking spot.
I drive away from Loyola with a smile on my face and a glimmer of hope I was afraid had been snuffed out for good.
CHAPTER TEN
Kieran calls as promised and we agree to meet at Luigi’s the next night. Even though I’d already told him I was free, my first instinct was to push it back to the weekend. I’m on an earlier shift at the Village all week and I have an article due to a travel magazine in two days. I fought past the resistance and agreed, afraid putting it off would send the wrong message, both to him and to myself. I didn’t want him to think I was giving him the runaround, plus I knew I’d have to start essentially retraining my brain to remind myself I can have a relationship with Kieran and it won’t make the rest of my life fall apart.
I remind myself of this again as I park in the Luigi’s lot. After my unexpected reunion with Kieran last night, I sat in my room and did a lot of soul searching. One big conclusion I came to: I’ve lost my spark. The special something my mom always told me I had that set me apart. Made me who I am. Made me her little ray of sunshine. I need to do what I can to keep her in Birch Hill, but hiding myself away and burying myself in work isn’t healthy. I can’t keep going through life numb to everything but the ache in my heart and the worry that eats away at my gut.
The door to the restaurant opens and Kieran steps out. He must have been waiting inside for me to arrive. He’s wearing the same denim jacket he wore the last time we saw each other, and it reminds me of how irresistible I found his ability to be both adorable and sexy. I still find it irresistible, except now I don’t have to deny that pull. With a deep, fortifying breath, I get out of my car. My hands shake as I stuff the keys into my purse. My legs don’t feel entirely solid as I close the distance between us and stop in front of Kieran.
We simply stand in front of each other, smiling. I wonder if he’s feeling even half of what I am—hope, excitement, trepidation. I can’t believe this is actually happening. We’re here together, on purpose, just the two of us. No family, no friends, no payment exchanging hands. Just Meredith and Kieran.
He reaches out first, gently gripping my shoulders. As our faces draw nearer, I realize at the last second he’s aiming for my cheek while I’m aiming for his lips. I end up planting a kiss on the edge of his mouth, and his momentum carries him on to graze my cheek.
“This is going to take some getting used to, isn’t it?” Kieran says with a light laugh. “Do over?” I nod and he kisses me directly on the lips. It’s too brief for my liking, but he’s right—it’s going to take time for us to get used to each other an
d to remember it’s okay to be affectionate now.
“Speaking of do-overs, that was my reasoning for picking this place, in case you wondered.” He motions to the restaurant door and we go inside. “The food and service were great, and I thought it’d be nice to come here just the two of us. Make some new memories here that don’t involve my obnoxious family.”
I stifle a laugh. “How is your family?”
“Still obnoxious,” he says, nodding solemnly. He turns to me and I see the twinkle in his eyes. “They made it back to Ireland safely. I’m sure my dad didn’t waste any time returning to his reign of terror. I called my mum the other day and she told me she’s started taking a painting class, so that’s something.”
“Good for her.” I’d like to think the O’Malleys’ recent visit to Canada and seeing how content Kieran is with his new life inspired Maeve to take some independent steps of her own.
The hostess greets us as she returns from seating a group. She’s about to lead us to a table when Don bustles over, gripping my shoulders and giving me a kiss on each cheek before shaking Kieran’s hand. He murmurs something to the hostess, who steps aside to let him scan the seating chart.
“Ah! I know just the table. Follow me.” He grabs two menus from the stand and strides off toward the back of the restaurant. “I chose this same table for Hugh and Ivy the other night. Quiet, romantic—perfect for a beautiful couple like you.”
Don’s words, paired with Kieran’s warm hand on the small of my back make my cheeks heat with pleasure. I can’t remember the last time I went on a proper date. Or the last time I wanted to go on a date. Even though romance has been just about the furthest thing from my mind in the last year or so, being here with Kieran makes me see I’m ready for a bit of romance in my life.