by Margaux Fox
And that was it. Back to another day as the Princess’s bodyguard. As though nothing had ever happened. Alexandra was troubling with the ease at which she slipped into her public persona. She was so talented at being the Princess that everyone wanted to see.
Erin noticed that she wore a light cashmere sweater with very long sleeves that almost extended onto her hands. She wondered if Alexandra had mentioned her bruises to Natalie and if so, how she had explained them away. It felt like the truth was too much. Too much for Alexandra, too much for a Princess. Too much for her adoring public. Telling one person would mean that person telling one or two others and those people the same. People couldn’t resist sharing stories of royalty, rumours of celebrity, nuggets of personal information about those who are like us but different. Those who are born to higher things. The journalists wait like vultures. They love Alexandra, and the opportunity to publish Alexandra as the ‘almost-rape-victim’ with the perpetrator her ‘boyfriend’, Lord Hugo, would be the fleshiest corpse for them to feast on. Alexandra was fiercely private and clearly didn’t want that story in the papers. Her relationship with Lord Hugo had been closely guarded throughout although Erin was shocked to hear that they had never had sex. She wasn’t sure how it worked for royalty, but surely they were allowed to have sex before marriage? Surely they didn’t all sit around virginal, waiting to only have sex for procreation of future heirs?
Erin wondered for a moment why Alexandra had trusted her. Because she had. There had been no desperate ‘Please don’t tell anyone.’ this morning. There had just been normality and moving on. Dealing with things perhaps the only way Alexandra knew how. Over the weeks Erin had spent in the palace, it had become painfully clear that there was nobody Alexandra was really close to. It was obvious watching her life, how guarded she really was.
They headed out later that morning to a Charity lunch for one of the children’s charities that Alexandra supported. She looked thoughtful and distant in the back of the black Range Rover as they drove. Her driver was cheery and she said a happy ‘Good Morning’ to him and asked about his children, then she went back to mute. Erin remembered the rules fine today and didn’t create conversation. It was a long drive in silence.
The Range Rover pulled up at the Berkeley hotel. Erin jumped out, there were paparazzi there already and after a quick scan and the nod from the Security who were already there, she opened the door for Alexandra. The Princess stepped out, as graceful as ever, walking in heels as if she had never worn anything else. She smiled, brighter than the sunshine and posed for photographs, lovely, genial, everything the people wanted to see.
Erin escorted her through the huge entrance hall, beautiful marble flooring and columns surrounding them, they walked straight through to the ballroom where the event was being held. Alexandra’s public self was shining, her patience endless as she shook hands with person after person, asking them about their lives, focussing on them for those few minutes, fixing them with her intense eyes, making them feel like the only person in the world.
Erin liked to watch her work at events like this. The Princess was truly gifted. Or perhaps had honed this craft just through a lifetime of practice. How much of it was the real her? Erin wondered if Alexandra even knew what was real any more.
The lunch passed, the Princess spoke in front of everyone, her every word captivating. After the lunch, her people still wanted more of her. A little more. A little touch from Royalty. A photo with her perhaps. Or another conversation. They wanted to touch her hand. They wanted anything they could get from her.
The day passed without incident and Alexandra retired to bed early in the evening and dismissed the staff.
Erin wished she could go to Alexandra. To care for her; to love her. But it wasn’t an option. She couldn’t just go round and see how Alexandra was. It was as if their intimacy from the night before had just been silently erased when they fell asleep.
Erin lay on her bed restless and her phone rang, it was her mother. She toyed with the idea of ignoring it again, but decided against it. She swiped to accept the call.
“Erin! Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick! I’ve not heard from you for weeks! I called you so many times. I even texted you!”
“Mum, I told you, I’m working for the Princess. It is full on. I can’t just answer my phone whenever I feel like it. This is a very important job, you know.”
“Oh yes honey, of course. I have told all my friends about it. Did you see that photo of you with her in the Daily Mail the other day? Faint and in the background, you are, but it is definitely you. It would be better if you could stand right next to her next time you see cameras then you can get right there in the photo.”
Erin sighed.
“So, what’s she really like? This Princess Alexandra? She always seems so wonderful. Our country is very lucky to have someone like her leading the way,” her mum asked.
“Oh, erm, yes. She is lovely. Wonderful. Very kind to everyone she meets.” Erin responded.
“Oh, that’s brilliant darling. I can’t wait to tell your father.”
Erin’s mother launched in to tell Erin everything that had happened in her own life recently without Erin asking. Erin left the phone on the bed while she went to clean her teeth and when she picked it back up, her mother was still talking.
The phone call lasted an hour. Erin managed to tolerate it, purely as a distraction from thinking about Alexandra, from wanting so desperately to go to her and see if she was okay. She couldn’t do that.
Erin found herself distancing herself more and more from her own life and immersing herself in her role as Alexandra’s shadow. There wasn’t a huge amount to lose from her own life. She felt better with less contact with her family. Sophie would text sometimes and Erin just wouldn’t respond. She had no interest anymore. None at all.
Alexandra was her life now.
8
The next morning, early horse riding was scheduled, so immediately after the security team briefing, they headed out to the country estate where the horses were stabled. Erin wasn’t sure she was strictly needed on horseback for this as technically the cars could follow at a distance round the estate, so she asked Alexandra.
“No cars, Alexandra said to the team. I’ll just have Sergeant Kennedy with me on a horse. Keep everyone else as far away from me as possible.”
The crisp early morning frost clung to each blade of grass and the calm was loud in it’s silence. Erin and Alexandra mounted their horses. Alexandra’s lovely face was pensive so Erin kept a respectful distance and resisted making any conversation. The horses walked quietly through the cold, their hooves the only sound. Fog hung on the air where their breath was.
After twenty minutes, Alexandra began to talk.
“I like this, you know. It is my favourite time. Out here, in the morning, with the horses.”
“You don’t mind the cold?” Erin asked.
“No, not at all,” replied Alexandra. “When I was a child, I would come to the stables and ride at every opportunity. I wish I had the chance more often as an adult, but, well, you’ve seen my schedule. I have a pretty busy life. A lot of commitments.”
“Hugo was apologetic the next morning,” Alexandra continued. “Of course he was. He could have been in so much trouble for what he did.”
Erin was surprised to hear Alexandra bring it up.
“What will come of it?” Erin asked, curious.
“Nothing,” said Alexandra. “I will never tell anyone, and I would appreciate it if you could keep the same discretion. I have told him to never speak to me ever again. His loss is greater, you see. He potentially could have married the future Queen, but now, he never will.”
“You think you actually would have married him? Lord Hugo? Even before all of this?” Erin asked.
Alexandra sighed a deep and world weary sigh. “Oh, perhaps not. I was with him because the public needed something to see. The press needed something to photograph and write about. There wa
s never anything real there.”
“You said before you had sort of been in love with someone before? Or you thought you were at least? Why couldn’t you marry him?” Erin asked.
There was a moment of silence as Alexandra thought carefully about her answer.
“Her.” she corrected.
The word released so easily from her lips had a world of weight attached to it. The word settled in the air.
Her.
Her.
Her.
It suddenly made sense to Erin why she was so guarded. Why she didn’t want to have sex with Lord Hugo. Why she was so reluctant to marry.
“Oh, er.. well I wasn’t expecting that response!” Erin laughed and it broke the ice in the air. Alexandra laughed too, more cautiously.
“So, who was she? What happened?” Erin waited for Alexandra to tell her to mind her own business or to never tell anyone else. But she didn’t, the trust was there between them now.
“I’ve never spoken about this before.” Alexandra waited a moment and then spoke. “She was my friend, it was years ago. We had a secret fling for a while, I guess you would say. I had feelings for her. I thought I loved her. She ended up finishing things with me to marry a Lord. She told me there would never be a world that would allow either of us to be with a woman. That the world itself might have progressed, but not our world. Not the world of Royalty. That there would never be a day where it would be accepted for a member of the Royal family to come out as gay. And, as much as I hate it and have hated it ever since, she was right. I’ve looked at it from all angles. From every way there is to look at it. The trouble is, I’m not just a fringe player in the family. I am the heir to the throne. It is different for me; it always has been. There is no way out, I will have to get married to a man, sooner or later and I will have to bear children.”
Alexandra was so nobly resigned to her fate.
“What happened to her? Are you still friends?” Erin asked.
“Oh, she is married now. She has three children. Yes I still see her very occasionally. We have never spoken since about what happened between us. I doubt we ever will. I don’t think her feelings were as strong as mine.”
“I don’t think anything you did would ever change the way the public see you, you know?” Erin said. “Everyone, without exception, adores you. If anyone could change things for the future of the monarchy, you could.”
Alexandra smiled wryly. “Unfortunately, I don’t think it will work quite like that. Also, there’s not exactly a long list of eligible lesbians for Princesses to date!”
“I think you would find that if you came out, there suddenly would be a list a mile long of women who wanted to go gay for Princess Alexandra.”
Alexandra laughed. “Thanks for your vote of confidence. Come on, I’m getting cold. Let’s warm things up.” She squeezed her horse forward into a trot.
Just like that, the conversation was over and Erin held the biggest secret in the world in her hands.
9
The following afternoon, Erin accompanied the Princess and Prince Nicolas of Sweden on a walk around Hyde Park. It was relatively unscheduled which gave them a certain amount of freedom. They wore sunglasses and Alexandra wasn’t immediately recognised and the Prince wasn’t a well known face in the UK. Erin was in the curious situation of gatecrashing their date. She followed at a suitable distance, keen to get to know Prince Nicolas, keen to make her own mind up if he was any good for Alexandra.
Nicolas was tall and nice enough. But bland. Nicolas was bland. This was quickly very obvious. Could Alexandra really reduce herself to this? How quickly would her sharp mind dull when she married a man like Prince Nicolas? How would she manage to hide her true self for the rest of their lives together? How would she find a way to lie down and open her legs for him? Women had before, of course. For the whole of time itself, women had been opening their legs for men they didn’t love, didn’t want, men that repulsed them. Women had forced themselves to endure sex they didn’t want enough times, perhaps Alexandra finding a way to force herself through sex with a man like Prince Nicolas would be nothing new.
The very thought of it made Erin sad. She saw how upset Alexandra had been after the unwanted advances of Lord Hugo. Would Alexandra be able to find a way to distance herself enough to have sex with a man she didn’t want? Alexandra had confided in her about her problems. By the sounds of it, Erin was the only person that Alexandra had confided in. Surely she should have given Alexandra some advice? But, what advice was there?
Don’t marry someone you don’t love.
That would be good advice. But advice for someone in Alexandra’s position, really wasn’t quite that straightforward.
No wonder Alexandra was so guarded. She was guarding the biggest secret someone of her fame could ever guard. Nobody had any idea.
They went for dinner at Nobu and then later in the evening, back at the palace Prince Nicolas went back to Alexandra’s suite with her and Alexandra dismissed the staff. Erin went to her room feeling something was really wrong. She went to her bathroom and vomited. She was jealous. Angry and jealous. Sick with the thought that Nicolas might touch Alexandra. That he might touch the body that Erin had loved and cared for when Alexandra was hurt.
As Erin sat quietly in her room, straining to hear anything through the walls, she knew for sure what she had been suspecting for a while. She was falling in love with Princess Alexandra.
It was late when Erin heard the Prince leave. She wanted again to go and check on Alexandra, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t the way things worked. She lay restlessly in bed.
In the room across the hall, on the four poster bed draped in white, Alexandra lay restlessly too. What was she doing? What did she want?
10
The rest of the week passed uneventfully. Prince Nicolas headed back to Sweden and Erin and Alexandra slipped back into their day to day. Conversations remained professional. Alexandra remained guarded.
On Saturday night Alexandra sent the staff home early and text Erin asking her to join her in her drawing room.
Erin was confused, yet curious. What did Alexandra want? She slipped her jeans on and knocked on the door of the drawing room.
“Come in, have a seat.” Alexandra’s voice silky and seductive. At least, it was in Erin’s head.
Erin entered and sat down.
“Erin, thank you for joining me. I have a special request tonight. It needs to be very very discreet. I cannot have any of the rest of the security team knowing. I cannot have anyone knowing. It will be a secret mission, if you like.”
Erin looked to her curiously.
“I want to go to Soho. To a gay bar. Just you and me. No other security.”
“What?!” Erin was shocked. “No way,” she said. “I mean, no way, ma’am. It isn’t possible. It isn’t safe. You would be recognised.”
“I have a plan,” responded Alexandra emptying an overnight bag onto the antique table. As she spread out the items, Erin saw a long brown wig, some coloured contact lenses, some skinny jeans, a cool vest top, some converse trainers. Had Alexandra gone completely mad?!
“Ma’am, please. I don’t think you understand. It could be very dangerous.” Erin had so many concerns about this plan. Everything about it was risky. Everything about it went against all security protocol. She would lose her job if anyone found out.
“It will work Erin, I promise.” As she spoke she pulled the wig on over her own hair, long and wavy dark chocolate. She had a small mirror on the table and she used it to apply the dark brown contact lenses. Her eyes immediately looked so different. Erin barely recognised her. She stripped down to her underwear in the middle of the room, black lace tempting Erin momentarily, before she pulled on the tight black jeans and the white rock-chick vest.
As Erin looked at her, she thought perhaps she was right. Nobody surely would recognise her. So much of her public identity was her expensive looking ashy hair and her wide blue eyes. The way she dressed. And he
r persona.
All of that was gone suddenly. A very different version of Alexandra was there behind the contact lenses. Her personality seemed different, full of fun, intrigue and excitement. The dark eyes sparkled with desire.
“Please Erin, please. Take me out. I want to be free. I’ve used disguises before, it does work. I just never ever get opportunity to walk freely in this world. I want that. Just for tonight, please. Take me to your world.”
She was clearly having some kind of mid life crisis.
Erin was torn between knowing that she absolutely shouldn’t agree to this. But at the same time, knowing that she would agree to it. That you just didn’t say no to Alexandra.
Alexandra looked striking in her new look, but surprisingly small without heels on.
“What if they ask you for ID?” Erin asked.
Alexandra reached inside the bag and pulled out a fake ID. Her fake picture and a fake name.
Isobel Andrews
“Well, hello Ms Isobel. You really have thought of everything.” Erin laughed.
“You can call me Izzy,” she responded, different in how she held herself, different in how she spoke.
“Here.” She reached back into the bag and threw a top and a butter-soft black leather biker jacket to Erin. I thought maybe you wouldn’t have packed for this eventuality. I got you these. She smiled. “I thought they would suit you. Put them on,” she requested. Or commanded. It wasn’t really a request.