by Margaux Fox
“The thing is. The thing I’m just struggling with, Alex, is that you would have fucked him if you had to. I know you would. You would have done it tonight to make him marry you, you’d still have been wet where I had warmed you up. You would have fucked him when you were married, whenever he wanted you. You would have fucked him to get pregnant. I would have been in my room sleeping alone. Would you have made me sleep in the bedroom next to you? Would you have made me listen to you fucking him every night? Would it have turned you on? Would you have come round to see me beforehand so I could warm you up for him? A few snatched moments here and there?”
“Erin, no, no.” Alexandra climbed on the bed, hitched her dress up and straddled Erin. “It wouldn’t have been like that, I promise. It won’t be like that. He doesn’t want me like that.” She kissed Erin deeply and Erin pushed her away.
“I can’t Alex, I don’t think I can.”
“This is good news. This will be different. Obviously I will have to share a bed with him but he won’t fuck me. This will be so much better Erin, I promise.”
Alexandra kissed her again and Erin started crying and looked away and beat at Alexandra weakly with her fists.
It didn’t hurt, Alexandra knew she wasn’t really trying at all, she was breaking inside. Her big strong bodyguard was suddenly weak as a kitten beneath her and it was all her fault.
Alexandra gripped both of her wrists and pushed them back against the pillow and kissed Erin. Her hair, her face, her tears salty on her tongue. She licked at Erin’s cheeks, kissing away the tears. She kissed lightly along Erin’s jawbone. Erin still crying and pathetically resisting. They both knew that Erin was strong enough to throw her off in one movement if she really wanted to. Alexandra kissed down her neck and up to her earlobe. Taking her earlobe in her mouth and sucking it. Kissing around her ear, pushing her tongue into her ear.
“I love you,” she whispered. “I love you Erin.”
Erin’s eyes widened in shock and she stopped crying momentarily. Then she cried again.
“I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t think I can. I hate watching you with him. I hate imagining you with him.”
Alexandra kissed down over her collarbone, pushing the duvet down. Erin was naked beneath the duvet, her breasts suddenly exposed and Alexandra went straight to her nipple with her lips, kissing, suckling. Erin’s body started responding involuntarily, her nipples erect, her skin flushed and excited.
Alexandra pushed further, kissing down over her taut abdominal muscles, a stomach that was built to envy.
“I love you, Erin. I love you.” She kept saying it. She kept kissing. She ran her tongue down over Erin’s hipbones, down to her groin.
“I love you, Erin. We will find a way through this.” She pushed Erin’s legs roughly apart and buried her face between them. Her tongue insistent. Her mouth firm and wanting.
Erin looked down between tears to find Alexandra’s beautiful golden head bobbing between her legs. Her eyes were closed. She was hard at work for Erin’s pleasure. Erin’s clit responding against her will, swelling up with excitement in Alexandra’s mouth. Erin felt Alexandra’s fingers pushing their way into her and she suddenly needed them more than anything in the world. She arched her back and pushed onto the fingers. She grabbed the back of Alexandra’s head and pushed into her face. She ground into Alexandra’s mouth and fingers and her world exploded into a million pieces.
They stayed there for a time as Erin came round from her orgasm and Alexandra lay between her legs, her face lying gently on top of Erin’s pelvis, breathing in the sweet scent of Erin’s pleasure. Tears dried on Erin’s cheeks.
Alex, you are destroying me.
19
The next morning when Erin rose, exhausted from emotion, she heard Alicia babbling away to Alexandra as she did her makeup.
“Morning Erin. How are you doing?” Alicia was annoyingly upbeat.
“Ah, pretty tired. I didn’t sleep so well to be honest.”
“It is exciting about the Princess and Prince Nicolas isn’t it? I cannot wait. I love weddings! I have SO many ideas for hair and makeup I cannot tell you. I cannot wait to see the dress you choose.”
Alexandra smiled wryly into the mirror.
Erin took a deep breath. “I’m sure the Princess will look nothing less than incredible.”
Alicia seemed immune to the pain in Erin’s voice. “So, ma’am, I was thinking we could curl it and pin it up something like this.” She pulled Alexandra’s hair up in pieces off her face, her beautiful face. Erin couldn’t bear to look. “We can get some fake hair to clip in if you want some length and it will look fuller in an updo. Nobody will ever know. Fake hair is SO good these days. I’ll get some to match your colour exactly.”
Alexandra was very silent compared to her usual self. Alicia, however was determined to fill the silence.
“Ma’am, what time will we be leaving today? What are your plans?” Erin asked. Their schedule and protection over here was being handled by Swedish Royalty Protection so Erin was absolutely out of the loop and it pained her to have to ask Alexandra.
“I am meeting Nicolas for a walk in the palace grounds shortly, but if you would rather not come, if you aren’t feeling well, then it isn’t a problem, Nicolas’s security will cover me too.”
Erin closed her eyes to the pain, recognising that she was being given a way out. But she didn’t want to sit for any more hours in her room imagining the worst. Alexandra had said she loved her last night. Said it so many times. Then Alexandra had made love to her. Made her feel like the most special person in the world to her. Yet, this morning she would be spending time with her future husband. Erin felt sick to the stomach.
“I er…. I think I should come along. The fresh air will do me good.”
“Okay, well we leave at 12.”
“Nicolas,” Alexandra beamed a welcome to him. Nicolas smiled and kissed her cheek delicately.
“Princess. You look beautiful this morning.”
They walked together across the grounds. Erin sat in a Range Rover at a distance with the Prince’s security, sunglasses hid her red eyes while she tried to block out their loud Swedish chatter.
“Do you know the history of our palace, Alexandra? Well, this was where both myself, my father, grandfather and great grandfather were born. I grew up here. I always loved it here. We have very lovely grounds that I used to play in as a boy. I was thinking, today, we could walk the grounds together. I would love to tell you all about the history of the palace. I have had a picnic ordered for us that will be delivered to us in a while, we can sit and enjoy this lovely weather. Afterwards, depending on your feelings, we can venture out of the palace gates and I can contact our media advisor who can ensure we get photographed together in the public park and these photos be distributed to the world’s media. Dependent entirely on your wishes. Please, I will not be offended at all if you choose not to or you aren’t ready for that level of exposure.”
Alexandra knew that this was the next step, she knew that this was what she had to do. She also realised that she liked Nicolas. She liked his quiet respect, his geekiness, she liked to spend time with him.
“Nicolas, I have carefully considered what you have said to me, and I would like to progress with things, ideally moving towards a public announcement of our engagement. So yes, absolutely, please do organise for photos in the public park.”
“How wonderful, Alexandra, I am so pleased you have accepted my suggestion. Give me a second.” He reached to his pocket for his phone and dialled his advisor. “Please go ahead with the photos planned for the afternoon, please get the necessary journalists in place.”
They sat for a picnic in the sunshine, the setting idyllic. At least it would have been if Alexandra couldn’t feel Erin’s eyes burning through her from a distance. Erin was going to have to get used to this somehow. But, how? Was it fair to ask her to? If she really loved her, was it fair to ask this of her? To drag Erin into her fucked up wo
rld and ask her to live as a dirty secret?
Alexandra, who usually planned things so carefully, had not planned on falling in love with her bodyguard.
20
Erin left the Range Rover as the Princess and Prince left the gates of the palace and headed out into the big public city park next to the palace. She would work on foot now, on radio contact with the rest of the security team. Following at a distance. Close enough to move quickly in case of a problem, far enough away to give the couple their privacy.
She watched as journalists showed up, she had been informed of the situation along with the rest of the security team over the radio. She gritted her teeth as she watched Alexandra’s perfectly manicured right hand reach for the hand of the Prince. Alexandra in a lovely fitted summery dress in periwinkle blue. The Prince, ever smart, in slacks and an open neck shirt. They walked hand in hand through the park, Erin following at a respectful distance, sick deep in her stomach.
Tears pricked at Erin’s eyes. She was ever grateful she had chosen to wear sunglasses. This wasn’t how she thought it would be. She thought that she would be ok with seeing Alexandra like this. She had known the situation all along. The truth of who Alexandra was and the way she was forced to live. Erin’s dreams late at night were a naive hope that she could run away and live happily ever with the future Queen. What did she want Alexandra to do? Walk away from all her responsibilities?
Erin had been foolish to fall in love with the Princess. Rule number one of her job was to remain professional. Professional was not falling in love or fucking the client. Alexandra had spent last night telling her how much she loved her. But the love of the Princess was the most painful love that there was.
Nicolas and Alexandra sat on a bench in the park and he leaned across and kissed her lovely cheek and the cameras of the world went wild. They barely had had anything on Alexandra’s love life in sixteen years since she had turned eighteen. Some public appearances with Lord Hugo that never seemed to go anywhere. Here was this new delicate love they saw in Alexandra with the handsome prince. Alexandra was right, it was everything the public wanted.
How much more would they take from her? How much more was she prepared to give?
That evening, safely ensconced back in their respective rooms and the staff dismissed, Erin’s phone beeped. It was Alexandra.
Come to me.
It never usually pained her, but it pained her now, to be summoned like a dog and to have to go. To want to go and to not want to go all at once, but the Princess was her job and when summoned, she had to go.
She opened the door to Alexandra’s rooms and walked in. Alexandra was still in the pretty summer dress, it clung to her full breasts and tiny waist and then flowed out like a ballerina or a fairy. She stood by the window, bathed in golden light from the setting sun.
“Take a seat,” she said.
Erin sat on the ornate sofa. It was decorative rather than comfy, but it didn’t matter. Nothing really mattered now. She put her head in her hands.
“I don’t think I can do this,” Erin mumbled into her hands. “I knew the score. Of course I did. But I had no idea it would hurt this much.”
“I’m so sorry, Erin.” Alexandra remained at a distance. They both knew what would happen if they got too close. “I wish things could be different. There is a way for us to work, you know. If you can find a way to accept the rest of my life. My commitments. The things that I have to do that are so much bigger than myself and my own desires.”
Alexandra sighed and looked out of the window. Looking at Erin was perhaps too painful.
“I have been cruel to you. To draw you into my difficult life and hope that you could become a part of it. I realise how much I have asked of you, and for that, I am sorry. I’ve been selfish in pursuing you and falling in love with you. I am so so very sorry Erin. Please tell me what it is that you need.”
I need you. I need you. I need you. I love you.
Erin thoughts were loud in her head. But she swallowed the words.
“I need space. I’ll do my job. I want to continue my job. Getting the opportunity to work for you has been the best thing that ever happened to me. But I don’t want to see you outside of that.” Erin couldn’t look at her, so she looked at the floor. “I want us to remain professional, Ma’am.”
It hurt Alexandra to hear the use of Ma’am with nobody else around. It hurt Alexandra to realise what was happening here. That the woman she loved was ending things. This wasn’t how she saw this going.
“Then, you are dismissed, Sergeant Kennedy,” she said into the window, every word an effort. “Thank you for your time.”
Erin scuttled out of the room as fast as she could.
Alexandra collapsed to the floor in tears. A distress on a level she had never known. She was suddenly sobbing so hard that she couldn’t stop. She felt as though her heart had been ripped out of her body. The pain in her chest overwhelmed her. She lay foetal on the floor hugging her knees to her chest as the tears kept coming. She couldn’t breathe. She gasped for breath as the pain racked her body. She coughed. She coughed more and ran to the bathroom as she made herself sick with the coughing.
She crawled back towards the sofa and grabbed the phone in the room.
“Hello,” she gasped between sobs. “This is Princess Alexandra. I think I need a doctor.”
“Of course Ma’am.” The voice on the other end of the line was immediately concerned. “Right away. Can I send someone for you before the doctor arrives?”
Erin, Erin, she needed Erin.
Her parents? God, no.
“Alicia,” she choked. “Alicia.” Then she dropped the phone as she hyperventilated.
Alicia’s room was close and she let herself in quickly to find Alexandra a mess panicking on the floor.
“I can’t breathe,” she sobbed.
Alicia had a moment of shock. Never in years of doing the Princess’s hair and make up had she seen anything but smiles and professionalism from her. So gathered. So together. So level headed and calm.
“Ma’am. It’s okay, I am here. A doctor is coming.” Alicia sat immediately on the floor behind, legs wide around her and pulled her into her arms and comforted her like a baby.
Alicia had seen pain and felt heartbreak before. That absolutely had to be what this was. Nothing else hurt like heartbreak. But Nicolas? Surely not. Just this afternoon, the photos in the park, things couldn’t have been better between them. Having said that, Alicia hadn’t ever thought Alexandra was that into Nicolas. There must be someone else. But, who? Surely Alicia would have noticed if the Princess was seeing someone else.
Alicia rocked her and shushed her and said soothing things but the Princess couldn’t stop the sobbing, the choking, the inability to breathe.
“My chest hurts. So much.”
“I know, I know Ma’am, it will be ok. The doctor will be here soon.”
A firm knock at the door.
“Come in,” shouted Alicia.
The doctor was smart in a suit, despite the late hour. He was the Swedish Palace Doctor, but his English was impeccable.
“She’s panicking, she can’t breathe. She keeps choking.”Alicia said.
Alexandra sobbed more.
“Has something serious happened?” asked the doctor. “Has she received bad news.”
“I have no idea,” said Alicia. “She was like this when I got here.”
“Ma’am, I’m Sven Erikson. I am the Doctor. May I touch your wrist to take your pulse?”
Alexandra nodded consent and Erikson held her delicate wrist as he counted the beats.
“Ma’am, there is nothing on your medical history to indicate anything sinister is going on here.”
“Did you receive some bad news?”
Alexandra nodded again between gasping.
“Okay, Ma’am, I want you to look at me, focus on me. This is a panic attack you are having in response to trauma. I need you to sit up, try and focus.”
Al
icia helped her into a sitting position.
“That is good,” the doctor said calmly. “Now I need you to focus on me and focus on deep breaths. You need to realise that this is a panic attack and stay calm. Breathe with me. In… 1 second and 2 seconds. Out 1 second and 2 seconds. Good.”
Within minutes the doctor helped Alexandra regain control of her breathing, but the tears wouldn’t stop rolling from her deep blue eyes.
“My heart, is my heart ok? It hurts so much.”
“Ma’am, sometimes we feel mental pain in a physical manner. It is quite common for a panic attack to feel like a heart attack. You’ve never had panic attacks before?”
She shook her head.
“Something has clearly upset you badly. You will be ok though. Just focus on breathing deeply and calmly if you start to lose control of breathing again.”
“Can you stay with her tonight?” he looked to Alicia. “Ma’am, you shouldn’t be alone tonight.”
“Of course.” Alicia nodded. “I’ll look after her.” Alicia remembered her own broken hearts over the years, and those of her best friends. Sometimes, when it was bad like this, you just needed someone to care for you and help you through it.
The doctor left and Alicia sat up through the night. Alexandra lay across her lap on the sofa and Alicia stroked her hair and reassured her as she sobbed. The tears began to run dry eventually but Alexandra continued to whimper and yelp in pain.
Alexandra had never felt true heartbreak before and had never known pain like it.
Erin, I can’t breathe without you.
21
The next morning Alicia helped Alexandra shower and dress ready for the flight back to London.
The official story was that Alexandra had suffered a migraine last night. She didn’t want to speak with anyone today and Alicia would protect her from that and sit next to her on the flight. Alexandra was glad of dark glasses that Alicia lent her to cover her red raw eyes and hide further tears. She closed her eyes when she saw Erin in passing and headed straight to the back seat of the Range Rover clinging to Alicia as they both climbed into the back seat.