“Would you call me more gentlemanly than Oz?” he asked.
I saw Austin look up at his name and I couldn’t help replying, with a teasing grin to Austin, “always.”
Austin smiled, shaking his head, and started climbing into Hunter’s back seat.
“Austin, I’ll sit back there,” I called out.
“No, it’s fine, Lil. You sit up front.”
“My legs are shorter. I’ll fit better.”
Austin stared at me.
“I’m serious, Austin, I’ll just sleep anyway,” I said, hands on hips and giving him my best no-nonsense voice.
Austin narrowed his eyes and stepped back out of the car. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I said, starting to get in.
I jumped as Austin took my hand and steadied me. We locked eyes and I ignored the fluttering in my chest. His face was, for once, not haughty, his eyes were soft. He held my hand longer than strictly necessary, but I didn’t seem to have the inclination to move either.
“When you two are done, we can get going and we might make it back by dinner,” Hunter laughed, climbing into the driver’s seat.
I suddenly remembered this was the guy who was responsible for all Anne’s heartache, whether she was willing to admit it or not. I gently pulled my hand from Austin’s, not wanting to cause any problems with a car trip ahead of us, and climbed into the back seat.
****
I felt the car stop and woke up, blinking but then realising we were in the school garage and that’s why it was so dark.
“You right, Lil?” Hunter smiled from the front seat.
“Just forgot where I was for a moment.” I grinned, yawning and stretching.
I couldn’t see Austin but there was a noise at the back of the car, so I assumed he was in the boot – well, not literally in the boot, his tall frame wouldn’t have fitted at all. I clambered out and pushed the seat back into place.
“Thanks for the lift back, Hunter.”
“No worries. Do-”
“I’ll walk you back, Lily,” Austin said quickly, interrupting whatever Hunter had been about to say.
I looked at Hunter, who was grinning. I couldn’t think of any way to say no without making things even more awkward. For all Austin’s faults – which were numerous, I’ll have you remember – he was Hunter’s best friend, and Hunter was my friend.
“Thanks, Austin,” I replied.
He picked up my suitcase in what I thought was quite a pointed move, and headed off. I waved to Hunter, who still wore a grin like he knew something I didn’t, but I wasn’t going to try to puzzle him out now; as far as I knew, he was thinking about the next girl he was going to make a move on.
I hurried after Austin, his stupid long legs having already taken him out of the garage. I may have been incredibly mad with him, but I totally took the opportunity to perve on his arse as he walked ahead of me.
The school was pretty quiet, most people were probably in their rooms or the common rooms, maybe the library.
When we got to my room, Anne wasn’t there and for that I was glad given who I was with. I let Austin in to drop my suitcase on my bed. As I started to unpack it, I heard Austin clear his throat. I frowned, having entirely expected him to have left already.
“Uh...Lily?”
I turned, feeling my anger rising. Now we were alone, I didn’t feel the need to be civil to him for Hunter’s sake.
“What?” I snapped.
He blinked. “Uh...”
He started pacing, almost looking like he was about to stop and say something, then continuing.
“Oh, for God’s sake, Austin. You obviously have something to say! What the bloody hell is it?”
He stopped suddenly and stepped towards me, looking incredibly unsure and stressed.
“Bloody hell, I can’t deny it anymore. I... I have feelings for you, Lily.”
My heartrate spiked and I stared at him in astonishment, not knowing what to say.
“I...can’t help it, despite knowing how stupid it is. But, I can’t help myself. You’re beautiful, funny, smart and damn you’re sexy. You’ve never had any trouble telling me exactly what you think of me and, I was surprised at first, but I found myself less and less insulted by it. Your obsession with football is just something more to endear yourself to me. I shouldn’t feel the way I do about you; your family and your circumstances beg for me to remember myself, but as much as I’ve tried, I can’t get you out of my mind.
“I thought if I just ignored it, these feelings would go away. If I just remembered who your sisters were, your father, I would want you less. But, it has done me no good. You’ve plague my thoughts, Lily, from the moment I met you. No matter what I do, what I tell myself, I want no one else but you, despite your connections. I need to know if you’ll be with me?”
I was still staring at him, my mouth opening and closing as though waiting for my brain to catch up with it. At the beginning of no doubt what he thought was a very nice speech, I’ll admit I was flattered – I’m not such an idiot as to not recognise the implication of a boy like Austin Cooper falling for the likes of me. However, by the end of it, all my anger returned and I tried hard to compose myself to give him my answer without losing my shit.
Unfortunately, my mouth had other ideas.
“Are you shitting me right now?” my traitorous mouth blurted out.
He blinked. “I... No. I really like you, Lily, and I don’t want to go on without you in my life.” He looked startled for a moment, as though he hadn’t meant to say it.
“Well, you’re bloody well going to have to find a way!” I answered. “I never asked you to have feelings for me, Austin. I’m sorry if my answer hurts you, but I can only imagine that you will get over it easily given the things which have previously prevented you from accepting how you really feel!”
I saw Austin’s jaw clench and his eyes narrow. He didn’t say anything for a good few moments and I was sure he was composing himself. Knowing him, he’d do a damn sight better job than me at keeping this civil.
“Is that all you have to say?” he asked, finally, his voice full of forced calmness. “I would ask why, without even trying to be civil, you’ve rejected me. But, I’m not sure it really matters.”
“Just as I could ask why, with such an obvious attempt to offend and insult me, you chose to tell me you like me against your will, your reason and even you character? That alone, I should think would give me cause to be uncivil, if in fact I was uncivil. But, I have other reasons besides. You know I have. Even if I didn’t dislike you intensely – if I was indifferent, or even liked you – do you think anything would tempt me to accept the guy who ruined, perhaps forever, the happiness of one I consider a beloved sister?”
I saw Austin colour, but it was fleeting and he said nothing while I kept rambling.
“I have every reason in the world to think the worst of you. Nothing can excuse what you did to Anne. You can’t tell me you weren’t to blame for separating them – of turning one into a cynic like yourself, and forcing the other to lose hope in this world, making them both miserable.” He had the gall to be smirking at me, no indication whatsoever that he felt the least bit remorse. “Do you deny it?”
“No, I won’t. I am quite pleased I was successful in separating my brother from Anne. To him, I have been kinder than myself,” he replied, totally unfazed.
I glared at him. “With no regard for the fact they were entirely into each other? Bloody hell. It doesn’t matter now. I have other reasons to hate you, anyway. What about the whole deal with Liam? What do you have to say for yourself there? What imaginary act of kindness can you come up with to defend yourself?”
“You take a great deal of interest in Anders,” Austin replied, crossing his arms, his tone now colder.
“Anyone who knew what he’s been through would.”
“What he’s been through?” Austin asked, incredulous. “Oh, yes, he’s been through a lot.”
“After everything you’ve put him through, after you’re the sole reason he has been through so much, after you disregarded years of friendship and your father’s wishes, you have the balls to stand there and talk about him with nothing but contempt and ridicule?”
“So, this is what you think of me?” he asked, walking towards the door. “This is actually what you think of me? Thank you for your honesty. I can see now how terrible I truly am. Perhaps,” he paused and turned back to me, “these offences might have been overlooked had your pride not been insulted by my honesty. Maybe you would have silenced your bitter accusations if I had only hidden my true feelings and flattered you into thinking I’d fallen for you by unqualified inclination. But, I abhor any untruth. Neither am I ashamed of my feelings; they’re natural. Could you seriously expect me to be thrilled by the fact I’d fallen in love with a girl practically at first sight who’s entirely unsuitable for me and beneath what is expected of me?”
Any feelings that rushed through me at the realisation he’d just said he’d fallen in love with me were outweighed by my anger and incredulity. Nonetheless, I did my best to keep my shit together.
Because that’s worked out so well in the past…
“Did you honestly think that the way you made your grand declaration would make me react any differently? The one thing it did do was spare me any concern I might have felt in rejecting you, had you actually behaved like a gentleman!”
Austin blinked, but said nothing.
“You honestly couldn’t have declared yourself in any way that would have tempted me to accept you, Austin.” He was looking both insulted and embarrassed, but I ignored him as I continued. “Since the moment I met you, you have been such an unmitigated arsehat that I am quite sure you are the last guy in the whole world with whom I could ever fall in love!”
“Right, then…” he replied slowly. “I entirely understand your feelings, and am starting to feel a little embarrassed by my own. I’m sorry for wasting your time.”
He turned and left before I could process any more. I blinked at the closed door for a moment, then my legs gave out and I found myself sitting on the floor, tears running down my face.
His words kept playing over and over in my mind. Had he actually just said he’d fallen in love with me at first sight? Holy crap, what girl hadn’t fantasized about that?
But, God, him and his damnable pride! He had been so proud of the part he’d played in Anne’s unhappiness. And, said nothing in defence of the role he’d played in Liam’s misfortunes.
It didn’t matter how my heart skipped at his confessions of love, he was in no way the guy for me.
Chapter Thirty
I slouched over the keyboard, wondering what the hell I was going to say to her. I’d been too angry at the time to set her to rights about her accusations, and I had no hope of her ever falling for me. But, I still felt I needed to explain myself. I just didn’t know how to go about it.
“Man, what’s wrong?” Jax asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You just seem a little more broody than usual.”
“I’m not a chicken, Jackson.”
Jax chuckled. “I wasn’t intending to call you one. Seriously, what’s up?”
“I... I spoke to Lily yesterday.”
“Ah...” He sat down next to me and I sighed. “It went that well, huh?”
“Even you knew I liked her?” I shook my head, wondering if I really had been so blind for so long.
“Yeah,” he replied as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You want to talk about it?”
I chuckled dryly. “Talk about how I’ve spent my whole life protecting your heart and then go and lose mine?”
“I would have protected it, if you’d let me,” Jax said softly.
I nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
“I tried my best, Oz. You’re just too stubborn and proud to ask for help.”
For once, I didn’t react defensively. Wearily, I nodded. “I know.”
“You might not have got the girl, brother, but you’ve got me.”
“Because that’s the same,” I barked a laugh. “At least we can get over them together.”
Jax grinned. “Just like everything else in our lives, we do it together. You sure you’re right? We could play a game?”
“I just… I really just need some time to myself, if you don’t mind, mate?” I said, doodling on the paper in front of me. “We’ll talk about it later, yeah?”
I felt Jax staring at me. “Are you planning a new tattoo?” he asked, and I knew he was trying to lighten my mood.
I gave him a smile. “Something like that, mate.”
“Okay, well, I’m here. You let me know when you want me.”
I nodded, mindlessly patting his knee. He got up and I heard our door close.
I sighed and looked at the screen with renewed vigour.
It’s just like planning a new tattoo, be honest and it will come.
I knew, as any intelligent guy would, that Lily’s accusations stemmed from misunderstanding, but damn if that still didn’t make me feel like shit. But, all I could do was give her the truth and hope she might at least forgive, if not forget.
I looked down at the paper below me and saw what my pencil had done while my mind was busy.
Just be honest.
I smiled, flexed my fingers and started typing.
Dear Lily,
I’m not going to repeat anything I said yesterday, so please read this. I’m not about to cause you more pain or embarrass myself by going over what we’d both rather forget, but I needed you to know these things. I’m sorry for it, but I know you well enough that your curiosity will get the better of you.
Yesterday, you accused me of two offenses. First was that, despite mutual feelings, I ensured Jax and Anne’s separation. And, second, that I was to blame for Liam Ander’s misfortunes; that I gave no consequence to any previous friendship between us and wantonly disregarded my father’s desires. This, I imagine, greatly overshadows my separating two people whose affections had only months of growth. I only hope that, after I have explained my actions and their motives, you blame me a little less. I am sorry if, in my relation of these, I manage to offend you more.
It didn’t take a genius to see that, as soon as Anne opened the door to your dorm room, Jax was smitten – though, I am still in awe he never truly noticed her before. But, it wasn’t until the party at Rosings Dorm that I suspected his feelings legitimately ran deeper; the guy thinks he falls in and out of love all the time. After your sisters’ blatant discussions about the expectations on Jax and Anne, I began to consider their behaviour together; Jax, I could see, was falling in love with her. Anne’s behaviour, on the other hand, while enjoying my brother’s company, did not convince me of her returning his feelings. From what you said yesterday, I can only assume I was wrong. You know Anne better than I ever will and, if I was wrong and did cause her pain, then your anger is entirely justified. However, I maintain that it was believable Anne did not seem in any way likely to return my brother’s feelings by her actions. I didn’t just wish she was indifferent because I wanted her to be; I honestly believed it.
My objections to them being together weren’t only the same ones I felt applied to...well, you and me I guess. For Jax, the whole business is less important. But, there were other things I thought put Anne in a less than pleasing light. The fact that her family would be less than ideal in my aunt’s eyes was less of a problem than her mother’s utter lack of shame in finding her daughter a Rosings boy. Needless to say, I do not want my brother to end up being merely a trophy husband. I will, though, admit that Anne – and yourself, in fact – always seemed to hate the idea. After that, I only thought to save Jax from a heartache I was sure would come had they continued.
Cassandra agreed with me that Anne could not return his feelings and she endeavoured to help me protect Jax’s heart. I do not believe my objections to Anne’s connections w
ould have dissuaded him, had Cassandra and I not told him of our belief of her indifference. Jax had, until then, entirely trusted she returned his regard, but he has always relied on my judgement over his own. So, it was not difficult to persuade him that he had deluded himself. I do not regret my actions in this, given my belief at the time.
I have nothing else I can say in my defence on this matter, no other apology to offer. I’m sorry if I hurt Anne through my actions; it was unintentional and, even though my motives may not seem sufficient to you, I can only stand by them, given my knowledge and intentions.
In regards to Anders, I can only give you the account of the circumstances as the Cooper family experienced them. I cannot know what he told you, I can only tell you the truth, of which I can find more than a few witnesses to back my story.
Anders was the son of a dear family friend of my father’s, and we grew up closer than one would expect given we lived half a world away from each other – I expect you have a similar relationship with your sisters. When Anders’ father died, he came to live with us. It was intended he would come to Netherfield with us, go to university and make something decent of himself. However, when Anders came to England, he was nothing but trouble. He got into fights, he stole, and...well, suffice to say that he was lucky he only landed in Military College after my father died.
Dad intended a lot for him, but Anders convinced my aunt to give him equal to the money from his trust. Where it went, I can only imagine; gambling, drugs, I’d rather not know the finer points. The point is, the money was gone almost as quickly as he was given it, and him still in school. He was angry and violent. I suppose I would have been angry too; losing both father figures in such a short amount of time and being stuck in a foreign country. I would like, however, to think I wouldn’t have pushed those closest to me away. Though, we both well know how approachable I can be, so perhaps I wouldn’t have acted any differently.
Netherfield Prep: A Modern Reimagining of Jane Austen's 'Pride & Prejudice' Page 20