by Bella Jewel
God.
This is tugging at my heartstrings in ways I wish would stop.
It only reminds me of what I took away from this world. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to know that Celia was a horrible person. I don’t think it would, because death is still death, but when I think about how kind and loving she obviously was, it makes me feel that much worse.
“I’m sorry you were fighting. I’m sure she knew how much you cared about her,” I tell Amber. “Friends fight; it’s completely normal.”
“This was a bad fight, though. I knew something was wrong with her. She was putting on this brave face for everyone else to see, but something had gone from her eyes. I wanted to know what it was. I suspected it had something to do with her boyfriend, but she got angry at me and told me to get out, that I was just trying to cause problems. I wasn’t, though. I was worried.”
Funny, this wasn’t mentioned when I was trying to tell everyone Celia stepped in front of that car. Everyone who knew her said she was happy; obviously Amber didn’t step up and tell them her suspicions.
“Oh, that’s right, I forgot about him. What was his name again?” I ask, acting like I’m trying hard to remember.
“Chase.”
I click my fingers, “That’s right! Chase! You know, I never met him. What was he like?”
Amber shrugs. “He was the best-looking guy in school; you know the one every girl wanted to be with. Celia got him, and she was so happy. She thought he was amazing. But, I don’t know, he was cocky. He seemed to think nothing could ever go wrong in his world, like he could do no wrong. I don’t know what happened between them. I just know something went down because behind closed doors, Celia was struggling.”
God, do I wish Amber had spoken up. It’s too little too late now, though. All I can do is work with what I’ve got.
“Do you know much about where Chase is now?” I ask.
Amber shakes her head. “No, nobody has seen him for years. It was like he just disappeared after she died. Actually, come to think of it, just before she died, he went missing and she was really frantic. I don’t know if she spoke to him before the accident or not; it was all a blur after . . . you know . . .”
“Yeah,” I say softly. “Yeah, I know. I wonder where Chase is now.”
Amber shrugs. “I can’t help you there. I know his parents lived over on Planet Avenue, but I don’t know whether or not they still do. I never followed it up; I just tried to move on with my life.”
“Was he . . . at her funeral?” I ask.
Amber shakes her head. “No, but apparently he was devastated, so maybe he couldn’t face it . . . you know? I can’t judge; my mom kind of forced me to go. I was so upset. I couldn’t bear it. I don’t remember seeing you there, but I was a mess. I don’t remember much.”
“I’m really sorry, Amber. Thanks for chatting to me. I’ll let you know when I move forward with her memorial.”
Amber smiles. “You’re welcome. It’s a nice thing you’re doing for her, April. She needs people to remember her. She was one in a million.”
I’m sure she was. Oh, I’m sure she was.
That’s exactly why I plan to find out what happened to her.
Celia has delved deep into my heart now. I need to know more. I need to know everything there is to know about her.
Because someone hurt her.
I intend to find out who.
15
THEN – CALLIE
“I miss you,” I say to Max, staring across the table at him. “You don’t visit me very often. Mom said you’re struggling.”
Max shrugs. “I’m fine. I mean, it’s not easy being the brother of someone who is in here for manslaughter.”
Those words feel like a punch to the stomach. My throat tightens, my chest clenches, and I feel emotions whirling up, threatening to break free. I can’t believe Max said something like that. I can’t believe he thinks I’m that . . . that bad.
I didn’t mean to kill her.
He knows that.
He must see the look on my face because he exhales and says, “Sorry, sis. I didn’t mean that. I know you say you didn’t mean to do it and . . .”
“She stepped out in front of me, Max. You know that.”
He nods, but I can see, in the very depths of his eyes, that he doesn’t believe me.
He doesn’t.
I hate that.
“Why are you here,” I say, my voice slowly dying, little by little, “if you think that of me?”
“You’re my sister; I wanted to see you.”
“Even though all I do is make your life that much worse?”
He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “It’s hard, you know, working and getting around town. People know who I am. They know that you’re in here. They talk. People say things to me. I get into fights. It’s not easy being on the other side either, Callie. Believe me.”
“I’m really sorry you’re going through that, I am, but I never intended for any of this to happen. You know that.”
He nods. “Yeah, anyway, let’s talk about something else. How are you coping in here?”
I shrug, but my bottom lip trembles.
It’s hard. So hard. Each day it feels like it gets so much worse. Trisha has been moved, but now her friends, Tony and Peta are on my case. They’re stepping up and taking the title of biggest bitches in this place, and they’re promising to make my life hell for getting rid of Trisha. It’s like I got rid of one only to gain two. It’s never-ending. Some days, some days I wonder if it would be easier if I wasn’t here.
Those thoughts terrify me.
I don’t want to have them, and yet they torment my mind like a damned disease slowly crawling its way through my body until eventually it takes over.
“Callie, if you’re struggling, you need to speak with someone,” Max says.
Oh, because it’s so damned easy.
People on the outside, they’re really oblivious to how it works in here. There is no talking to someone; there is no getting away from it. You have to face it, or you accept defeat and give in. If you give in, you’ll live a life of misery. If you face it, you have to live your life fighting because that’s the only way you’ll survive and come out stronger.
There is no ‘speaking’ with someone. God, if only it were that easy.
“I don’t want to be in here, Max,” I whisper. “I don’t want to.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
I look up, my eyes widening as an idea springs into my mind. “You can find out the truth for me. If you find something, anything, they can relook at the case and I can get out. I don’t have to stay here if you help me.”
He stares at me, confused.
I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier. It’s genius.
“Callie, I can’t find anything that hasn’t already been looked into. They investigated. It was pretty black and white, really . . .”
“No, I mean Celia. Something caused her to step in front of me that night. I want you to find what it was. Look into her life, talk to her friends, anyone. Find out what happened to her. If you can prove something happened, something horrible, I might get my case reconsidered. Please, I need you to do this for me. I can’t survive another six years in here.”
“Callie . . .”
“Please, Max. If you believe me at all, then you’ll do this for me. I don’t deserve this, I don’t.”
“Callie . . .”
Tears burst forth and run down my cheeks. “Max, please. I’m dying in here.”
He shakes his head and stands. “There is nothing to find. The police already investigated everything. Maybe instead of denying it all the time, you just need to accept that you were in the wrong, that you weren’t looking, and you hit her. You need to own that.”
My mouth drops open, and my lip trembles, “Max,” I whisper. “You know I didn’t do it. She stepped out in front of me. You have to believe me.”
“Everyone in
her life said she was happy, and bubbly. I was there, Callie. I heard it all. Nobody believes that she would do something like that, and you’re asking me to go and throw more pain into those poor people’s lives by asking questions for you. I can’t do that. I want to help you, I do, but you’re not the only one suffering. Mom and I . . .”
“Mom and you are out there able to help me, and you’re not!” I cry, clenching my fists. A guard steps forward, and I know they’ll escort Max out because I’m getting too upset. “You’re my brother. You’re supposed to love me, you’re not even trying.”
“I am trying, Callie!” he yells. “I’m trying to survive!”
The guard grabs his arm and tells him it’s time to leave, and I stand in my chair calling out, “Max, please, I can’t be here anymore. Please!”
He doesn’t turn.
A guard grabs me.
“Max!” I scream. “Please. Please don’t leave me here.”
He disappears and the door closes.
I sob the entire way back to my room.
My own family has abandoned me.
My own brother, someone I thought would never do something like that, has let me go.
How the hell am I going to survive when I have nobody?
I’m all alone.
I can’t take it anymore.
“FIGHT ME THEN,” I SCREAM, using all my strength and shoving Tony in the chest twice.
She stumbles backwards, slipping and falling onto her bottom. Peta spins around, a fist connecting with my face. Guards are running. People are standing around us. I know it’ll end as quickly as it began, but I don’t care. Blood pours down my lip and I spin around, swinging and hitting Peta back, anger bubbling to the surface, anger I can’t handle anymore.
I can’t handle their torment.
I can’t handle any of it.
I just want it to stop. If it means I end up getting beaten to death, so be it.
These girls are going to torment me forever, so I’m going to fight back. Even if I lose.
“You want to fight me, then fucking fight me,” I scream as Tony gets up and Peta swings again, hitting my cheek bone and sending me spinning out of control until I land on the ground with a thud.
Guards grab them, pulling them back, and someone hauls me up. It’s Officer Corel—I can tell because he never handles me roughly, though he has a firm grip on me.
“That’s enough,” he growls into my ear. “You need to stop, Callie. Right now.”
“Take her to confinement for two days!” the head guard orders Officer Corel. “Now.”
We were eating dinner, a big group, all sitting at the stainless-steel tables in the dining room. Tony was taunting me; Peta was thumping me under the table with her boots. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I got up, and I lost it. I lost my mind. I don’t care if I have to sit in a room alone for two days. Hell, I don’t care if I have to stay in there forever. I’m so damned done with this place and everyone in it.
Officer Corel pulls me down the halls, through a few doors, until we reach the two rooms at the back of the center that are used for people causing problems, like me. They’re plain rooms, so I’ve been told by Madeline, and they’re boring as hell. You don’t get to leave them.
I don’t care.
I’m fine with that.
Officer Corel opens the door and we step inside. I glance around the room. Yep, plain alright. Not a single thing is in here for entertainment. Not even a desk. There is a bed, a toilet and shower, and that’s it. The walls are plain white. The floor is a stark grey. There’s nothing in here to make you feel safe at all. But that’s the point, isn’t it? They don’t want us happy; they want us to learn.
“What were you thinking, Callie?” Officer Corel asks, turning towards me.
I stare up at him, crossing my arms. There is blood running down my chin, and my cheek is throbbing, but I don’t care. I honestly don’t care. “I was thinking that I’m sick to death of those girls tormenting me.”
“If you’re sick of it, you come and talk to someone!”
I laugh, bitterly. “Come on. You and I both know that nobody is going to do anything to help me. They’re going to warn them, which will in turn make them angrier, and I’ll end up having to deal with their wrath. Let’s not play stupid here; we both know those girls will not stop until I fight back. So, I fought back.”
“Wrong,” Officer Corel growls. “You fight back, you’ll go down the same path as Trisha. You’ll get longer in here. Do you want that? Do you want to stay in here, Callie?”
“I’m in here for six fucking years!” I scream. “Do you think it matters? Do you think anything matters?”
I can’t stop it; tears burst forth and roll down my cheeks. Frustration grips my chest, and I feel a mix of incredible sadness, and incredible anger. I can’t deal with this anymore. I don’t even want to try. I’m so sick of being here, so sick of feeling like this all the time. Nothing I do is ever going to make it go away.
“My own brother doesn’t even want to help me. My father is ashamed of me. My mother is more worried about herself. I have nothing left out there either, do you understand? I’m without anything. Here or there. What’s the point in fighting when you have nothing to fight for? I don’t care anymore. I don’t care.”
“Listen here,” Officer Corel growls, grabbing my shoulder and slamming me down so I’m sitting on the bed. He leans in close, and in a low voice, he growls, “You do not give up that easily. Do you understand me? You fight. You fight for your justice. You fight for your truth. You don’t need other people to hold you up in life, Callie. You only need yourself. So your family gave up. Screw them. You’re stronger than all of this.”
“I’m not,” I hiss back. “I’m not stronger than all of this. That girl is dead because of me. She’s gone. She’s gone because I wasn’t paying attention. Maybe she did step out in front of me, but in the end, does it matter? If I was watching, I would have been able to see her and slow down. I still would have hit her. In the end, this is on me, no matter what. Max is right; it’s time I accept and face that.”
“Yeah, you’re right, it was on you, and you were doing the wrong thing. You’re paying for that. Does that mean that you don’t deserve to know the truth? That others don’t deserve to know the truth? No, of course it doesn’t. You owe it to that girl to find out what happened to make her feel that way. The only way you’re going to do that is to get through this. Get tough, Callie. You won’t survive this world if you don’t.”
He lets me go and turns, walks out, and locks the door.
The tears keep rolling down my cheeks.
He’s right; I do owe it to her to find out what happened to make her feel like she had to step I front of that car.
The only problem is, I don’t know if I have any more strength left.
I feel like I’m drowning.
Only this time, I don’t want to try and swim.
I just want to sink.
16
NOW – CALLIE
“You’re going to speak to Sophie and Jessika?” Ethan asks, leaning against my counter and sipping a coffee. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“I have to face these people eventually, Ethan. I owe it to them to at least apologize for what I did. They don’t have to forgive me, but they deserve that.”
“Yeah, they do, but it’s a big deal. It could bring up things for them that they don’t want to face . . .”
I shrug, because, well, I have to do this, no matter what it brings up for them. I completely understand that seeing me might remind them of a bad time in their lives, but I have to make this right. I have to. One thing I learned being away, is that you can’t hold onto this stuff; you have to let it go, or it’ll eat you.
“You told me once I have to face what I’ve done. This is me facing that. Celia’s life wasn’t the only one affected by what happened that night. I owe it to them to at least apologize.”
Ethan studies me, then nods. “You�
�re right; you do owe them that. Just be prepared it might go really badly.”
“Oh, believe me, I’m preparing for the worst. There’s more . . .”
He raises his brows.
“My dad invited me over for dinner tonight . . .”
For a moment I can’t read his expression, then he murmurs, “Now that is a bad idea.”
He’s right, it probably is, but he’s my dad, and I haven’t seen him for a long time. At the very least, I want to hear why he gave up on me. I want to say what I have to say, and if I don’t see him again, then that’s fine. I will walk away and never come back. But I have to do this. I have to do all of this. No matter how hard it is.
Ethan purses his lips, then exhales and says, “You’re really diving into this headfirst. Next thing, you’ll be saying you’re seeing someone.”
I give him a guilty expression, and his eyes widen.
“How the hell have you met someone already?”
I laugh softly. “It’s a strange story, really. I got a flat and he was there to help me. We talked . . . I don’t know, it kind of went from there.”
“Do I know him?” Ethan asks, looking a little pissed off.
I get it, I do. He is protective. He got me through some of the worst times in my life. But he doesn’t need to protect me anymore. I can protect myself.
“I don’t know. His name is Tanner. He works at that garage in town . . . the big new one.”
Ethan’s eyes narrow. “He has a few friends that work with him, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“I know of them. They’re trouble, Callie. Be careful. I’ve had a few encounters with some of them in lock-up. They’ve been involved in break and enters, drugs, and a few speeding fines with race cars. I’m not sure that’s the best kind of person for you to be hanging around with right now.”