by Martin Crimp
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TOBY. Well… (Faint laugh.) Surely if they… knew, if they knew about the railway when they bought it… then surely…
MIKE. The railway.
TOBY. Yes, if they knew about it when they bought it, then surely… unless there are… factors I don’t know about. Then surely… well they can hardly hold either of you responsible for the purchase. (Laughs.) Can they?
,
MIKE. No no. You’re quite right.
TOBY. Look, I’m afraid I have to –
MIKE. Go. Yes. Of course.
TOBY. It’s just I’ve…
MIKE. Of course. No. We understand.
TOBY. I meant to be – very boring – meeting some people for a meal that’s all.
LIZ. Well we’re very grateful to you for dropping by.
MIKE. Yes. Thanks again.
TOBY shakes hands with MIKE and LIZ.
TOBY. I’ll see myself out.
LIZ. No. Please…
LIZ makes to go with TOBY.
MIKE. The key.
They turn back.
TOBY. I’m sorry?
LIZ. Yes of course. Now it’s all over – thank god – we meant to ask you for our key.
TOBY. The key.
,
MIKE. Well it doesn’t have to be now. Whenever you can…
TOBY. No. Look. Sorry. I thought you’d… Because the thing is of course Clair had your key.
MIKE. Clair. Right. No. (Faint laugh.) Look, sorry.
TOBY. No no. Our fault entirely.
LIZ. Well it’s hardly anyone’s fault.
TOBY (on ‘fault’). No no. Obviously you must feel – well I think anybody would feel – because you’re not the only people in this position, obviously. But yes I quite understand that you must feel there’s a… question mark, if you like, over your security. Naturally the best thing would be to change the locks, but as you’re moving out in a few days… Look. No problem. I’ll speak to the Baldwins about it.
MIKE (together). But I’m sure it’s –
LIZ (together). Please –
,
TOBY. No. Really. It’s no trouble. I’ll speak to them in the morning. (About to go, with a nervous gesture to the garden.) They loved the vine.
Blackout.
Appendix – The two phone calls
These proposals for the other side of the two phone calls are intended to help the actors. The text spoken by MUM on the phone may be faintly audible in performance – but should not be intelligible to the audience.
ACT ONE
1
Darkness.
The sound of a high-speed train approaching. As it reaches maximum the light comes up to reveal CLAIR talking on the phone at night in her tiny flat. The train passes right outside the window. Only as it recedes can we hear her speak.
CLAIR. [People get very emotional and property is a really emotional business and all I’m saying is, is ] simply that we are in the middle of it and so of course there’s a certain amount of aggression which we must deal with. We / must deal with it but
MUM. You mean they get violent?
CLAIR. Aggression, aggression, / aggression not
MUM. Don’t like the sound of that, sweetheart.
CLAIR. Aggression, not violence. Simply / simply
MUM. There’s too much violence these days if you ask me.
CLAIR. Please listen to me: not violence, simply that that that people’s yes their feelings are aroused, their feelings are naturally aroused and so it is a strain, it is a stress, yes, to deal, undeniably, to deal with people, yes. / But
MUM. Well I hope you’re not…
CLAIR. that
MUM.… putting yourself…
CLAIR. that
MUM.… at risk.
CLAIR. that is what I enjoy. That is what I am good at, okay? What ‘risk’? You’re being ridiculous
Sound of a train approaching. She raises her voice.
MUM. There’s no need to get angry.
CLAIR. I’m not angry. I’m not angry, I’m just trying to explain…
MUM. Well you sound it, sweetheart.
CLAIR. Okay, I sound angry, but I’m not angry, I’m just trying to explain one or two things, one or two things / about…
MUM. Well let’s stop talking about it – tell me more about this young man of yours.
The train passes, making it momentarily impossible to speak.
CLAIR.…one or two things about what? (Laughs.)
MUM. I said tell me about your new young man.
CLAIR. What young man? What young man? Come on, come on, there is no ‘young man’.
MUM. Toby – that boy in the office.
CLAIR. Toby? (Laughs.) Toby is history. I will never forgive him for what happened in the restaurant.
MUM. What was that?
CLAIR. What? Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I tell you what happened in the restaurant? The bill? Okay, there’s what? six of us? eight of us? in this smart Italian place (are you sure I didn’t tell you about this?)
MUM. No. Tell me.
CLAIR. Okay, so we’re celebrating opening the new office (because suddenly we’ve got new offices opening everywhere – / it’s insane) and anyway
MUM. Too many estate agents already if you ask me.
CLAIR. Anyway, when the bill comes the assumption quite naturally is that we will divide it, we will divide it by six or by eight or by however many of us there are.
MUM. As you do.
CLAIR. As you do. Exactly. But then Toby, Toby, Toby starts this business where he says that the two of us (as if we’re some kind of married couple) that the two of us have had less than the others.
MUM. That’s really not appropriate.
CLAIR. Exactly. Of course it’s not appropriate, But he asks for the menu back and he makes (can you believe this?) makes everyone calculate their own separate totals at which point / I want to
MUM. You must’ve wanted to die.
CLAIR. Well exactly: die. And of course the separate totals no way do they add up to the exact amount on the bill. But he won’t let it rest, he just goes on and on and on about who drank this, who ate that…
Sound of train approaching. She raises her voice.
…who had coffee, who didn’t have coffee. And the worst thing is that I am drawn into this, I am sucked into this, because Toby is implicating me in this mad mad mad, this mad… thing.
The train passes. CLAIR rummages in her bag.
MUM. Well I think it sounds really horrible. I hope you told him what you think of him.
Clair? Are you listening?
CLAIR. Yup, yup, yup, of course I’m listening. I’m just looking for… I’m just looking for…
MUM. Looking for a cigarette, I shouldn’t wonder.
CLAIR. No I am not ‘looking for a cigarette’. You know I’ve given up.
MUM. Honestly? – is that the truth?
She produces a cigarette.
CLAIR. Yes, I promise you I’ve given up. I’m just – one moment…
She rummages for her lighter.
MUM. Clair? Hello? Are you still there? Clair?
CLAIR. Of course I’m still here, just I can’t find my diary…
MUM. Your diary?
CLAIR. Yes, yes – diary – diary – should be here in my bag…
MUM. I can tell when you’re lying, Clair. Smoking kills you.
CLAIR. I am not lying. I know it kills you. And that’s why I’ve stopped, okay? (Brightly.) Listen, did I tell you I’ve decorated?
MUM. Decorated? Lovely.
CLAIR. That’s right. Bank Holiday Monday. I’ve done the whole place in a kind of… (Looks round the room.) a kind of… well I suppose it’s what you’d call neutral, it’s not really a colour, it’s a kind of nothing, / just a kind of nothing sort of
MUM. I couldn’t live with all that neutral stuff.
CLAIR. What? Live with it? I won’t be living with it.
MUM. But you’ve only just bought the place.
CLAIR. Yes I know I’ve only just bought it, but I didn’t buy it to live in it, I bought it to sell it, as you well know. And anyway, what’s wrong with neutral?
A train passes, but faintly in the distance. She tips out the contents of her bag, finds lighter, clicks it, no flame.
MUM. Well I know it’s really hard for young people now but I think if you’re lucky enough to be able to afford somewhere you should count your blessings – not just sell it.
Clair? Clair? Can you still hear me?
CLAIR. Sorry? I was dreaming. What?
MUM. Just your dad and me never thought that way.
CLAIR. Well I know you and Dad wouldn’t’ve thought that way. I know you were grateful just to have a home. I know you had to economise. I know you had to make sacrifices but the world’s just not like that any more. Why should we make sacrifices? Sacrifices for what? I don’t have anyone to make sacrifices for, and I certainly don’t intend to sacrifice myself thank you very much. And I happen to be very happy with my life.
MUM. You don’t sound it, sweetheart.
CLAIR. Well I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I don’t sound happy. Just tell me what ‘happy’ sounds like – okay?
MUM. I’m sorry – it’s your life – I’m going to stop interfering.
CLAIR. Well exactly. Thank you. And besides, it’s not for ever.
MUM. What’s not for ever?
CLAIR. Selling houses. It’s not for ever. Who knows what I’ll do? Maybe make a killing and just… disappear.
MUM. Retire to some… luxury island.
CLAIR (laughs.) That’s right. Vanish.
Sound of a train approaching. CLAIR goes to the window.
MUM. So long as me and your dad can come too.
CLAIR (laughs). Of course you can come too. I’ll buy you both a mansion on the beach.
MUM. With our own private yacht.
CLAIR. Exactly: right next to the water.
MUM. Lovely.
CLAIR. All that sand and blue sea.
MUM. I can see it now.
CLAIR laughs and turns to the window.
At the moment of the train’s maximum impact: blackout.
The rush and whine of the train continues – finally fading away as the light comes up on the next scene.
ACT TWO
4
Darkness. The sound of a high-speed train approaching. As it reaches maximum the light comes up to reveal JAMES talking on the phone in CLAIR’s flat at night.
JAMES. The whole thing can get very stressful – very very stressful – and of course you worry]… well of course you do. That’s quite understandable. But there comes a point doesn’t there where you have to let go, you just have to let go. You just have to say to yourself: That’s her life, that’s her choice.
MUM. She’s a grown-up.
JAMES. Absolutely.
MUM. She’s a grown-up young woman now.
JAMES. Well absolutely, and I do think there’s a lot of nonsense spoken about cities. ‘The fear.’ ‘The loneliness.’ (Laughs.) Because quite frankly too much intimacy can be just as stifling. In fact you’re far more likely in my experience to be stifled by a friend than by a complete stranger.
MUM. By a friend? – is that true? – what d’you mean?
JAMES. Oh yes, oh yes, there are statistics about it.
MUM. I still can’t help worrying.
JAMES. Well it’s natural for you to worry and I’d probably do exactly the same thing in your shoes – (Confidential.) because to tell you the truth I’m a bit of a worrier myself. Not the big things, oddly enough. No. It’s the little things. It’s the details, isn’t it. It’s the filling in the sandwich isn’t it, or the leaf suddenly falling.
MUM. It’s the what? Sorry?
JAMES. I said the leaf: the leaf suddenly falling.
Sound of train approaching.
MUM. Can she come to the phone now?
JAMES. Of course. Of course. Let me put her on.
MUM. Thank you.
JAMES (calls). Clair? Clair?
Just one moment and I’ll put her on. (Calls.) Clair?
Train passes.
(Calls loudly over train.) Clair?
Train recedes.
MUM. Hello? Sweetheart? Hello?
JAMES. She’s not answering me. She / must still
MUM. Is she not answering?
JAMES. That’s right, she’s not. She must still, d’you know she must still be – can you believe it – must still be in that shower.
MUM. Her and her showers. When she was living with us I’d say give me a pound for every minute you spend in that bathroom and I’d be a rich woman. Honestly.
Laughs with Mum.
JAMES. Yes, but the fact is they do feel soiled. Clair and her colleagues – those boys of hers – they do feel soiled after a day of buying and selling, selling and buying. They feel a kind of… filth, quite frankly.
MUM. Sorry?
JAMES. They feel a kind of – oh yes, hasn’t she told you? – a kind of disgust with themselves.
MUM. Disgust? What d’you mean?
JAMES. Well of course she hides it from you, of course she does. But I happen to know that all day long, this is the moment, the one moment she dreams of: the hot water streaming and the steam, the hot steam rising.
MUM. Well… like I say, she’s always liked her showers.
Faint train passes.
JAMES. These trains are a nuisance, aren’t they.
MUM. Trains?
JAMES. Yes. They’re almost in the room. And it’s hardly a room is it – more a kind of –
MUM. She says it’s quite small.
JAMES. – well that’s right: more a kind of a cupboard. When I first saw it I thought she was dragging me screaming into a kind of large cupboard. I said: Clair, Clair, Clair, is this where you live?
MUM. A cupboard? Hope you didn’t say that to her face. She’d be most upset!
Laughs with Mum.
JAMES. I did. I did. I said: is this where you live, Clair? In an over-large cupboard, Clair? Smelling of smoke? In this odd little hole with a bed that doesn’t even fold away. Shower to the left, cooker to the right. Is this your… ‘investment’?
MUM. Still – she’s very proud of it.
JAMES. Absolutely. And she educated me. D’you know, she educated me. And as time’s gone by, I’ve / come to realise
MUM. Old friends, are you?
Sound of train approaching.
JAMES. Oh yes, old friends, old old friends, and I’ve come to realise that this is, as it were, her sanctuary. Yes. That there’s a very good atmosphere here. That it’s very calm and quiet. That even the trains contribute to the quiet by way, as it were, of contrast and she’s taught me to see the quiet beauty of / the tracks as they converge on the vanishing –
MUM. Could you try her again please.
JAMES. – what?
MUM. I said could you try her again please.
JAMES. Certainly I’ll try her again. One moment. (Calls.) Clair? Clair?
Train passes.
She’s just rubbing herself.
MUM. I’m sorry?
JAMES. I said: apparently she’s just rubbing herself dry and then she’ll be out, then she’ll be free. She’ll be clean / and she’ll be free and –
MUM. What did you just say?
JAMES. – what?
MUM. What did you just say?
JAMES. I said: once she’s / thoroughly
MUM. Rubbing herself?
JAMES. Yes: once she’s / thoroughly rubbed
MUM. Let me talk to her, please.
JAMES. Please. Please. If I could finish: once she’s thoroughly rubbed herself she will, as I said, be clean and free and the two of us will be going out just to clear up any misunderstandings for an egg sandwich probably since I have to be in Rome in the morning although / you can see from the pictures it’s not –
MUM. I said let me talk to her, please.
JAMES. – what?
<
br /> MUM. Who is this? I want to talk to my daughter.
Faint train passes.
JAMES. Well surely you’re not asking me to barge in there, are you? Just barge in there, sweep everything off the little glass shelf, all the bottles and jars, all the creams and scents piled up on the little glass shelf and the torn-off bits of cotton wool, just sweep them away and what? demand? – surely not demand that she comes to the phone?
MUM. Clair?
JAMES. Because I don’t see it’s my place to demand anything of the poor child, of the poor girl which is one of those dreadful words, isn’t it, one of those dreadful words men use to belittle women, I do apologise –
MUM. Clair? Clair? Who is this?
JAMES. I sometimes think we need, don’t we need, I suspect we need to look much more deeply, don’t we, into ourselves and don’t misunderstand me, I don’t mean this terrible thing of self, of self, of self-examination, I just mean simply a look, simply a glance to see if there’s anything there at all quite frankly (Laughs.) / not that I really care one way or the other –
MUM. You let me speak to my daughter right now.
JAMES. – what?
MUM. I want to speak to my daughter right now.
JAMES. I beg your pardon?
MUM. Or I will put down this phone and call the police.
JAMES. You’re going to put down the phone unless you can speak to your daughter? I’m sorry? Because how will you / speak to her if you put down the phone –
MUM. Where’s my daughter? Who is this?
JAMES. – what?
MUM. What’re you doing in my daughter’s flat?
JAMES. I thought I’d explained all that. I thought I’d made my position vis-à-vis your daughter very clear but if you have any doubts, any lingering doubts, then you should speak to Clair because look. (Change of tone.) Look. Look, here she is now.
MUM. Clair? Let me speak to her.
He turns and smiles as if someone has entered the room and focuses on this point with extreme stillness.
The sound of a train approaching.
JAMES. Yes, here she is now.
MUM. Clair?
JAMES. Look at her.
… …
She’s clean.
… …
She’s dry.
MUM. Clair? Sweetheart?
JAMES. She’s… radiant.
With a sudden gesture he holds the receiver out at arm’s length to the imagined CLAIR and remains rigid in this position to the end of the scene. Crescendo of approaching train.