by Amy Sparling
In my head, the logical and rational part of me that’s never led me astray in life, I know that I should walk away from all thoughts of Avery. And sometimes, that part of me starts to sound pretty convincing. But then my heart takes over. And my heart longs for her more than it’s ever longed for anything. My brain has permanently memorized her smile and keeps showing it to me whenever I try to forget her. My heart wants to forget all about why we’d never work. My heart wants us to be together.
It makes me think all kinds of wild things, like sharing my apartment with her. Traveling with her and seeing the world like she wants to do. I picture Team Loco interviews where they talk about how all four of us are currently in happy relationships. I wouldn’t be the odd one out anymore.
And then, just when all of that starts to sound like a damn good idea, I can feel my head starting to take over again, and I tell myself to just get over it and drop the fantasy of dating her.
The beaches are a little crowded since it’s close to Christmas and people are out of school and work for the holidays. I grab some dinner at my favorite taco place and then carry my surfboard down to the beach long after the sun has set. There are still people here, but not too many. I head out into the water and surf under the moonlight.
The water is cold, but it’s never too cold here in California. That’s one of the things I love about this place. I wonder how cold it is in Texas right now. I wonder what she’s doing. Whatever it is, she’s not thinking about me.
Or maybe she is?
I don’t even know how to deal with this part of myself. I’ve never been so hung up on a girl before. I’ve never wanted to be with someone so badly that it hurts, a physical pain that’s knotted up in my chest each time I breathe.
I take a deep breath and paddle back out to sea, hoping the waves will wash over me and take away these thoughts that are slowly driving me mad.
Hours later, I tote my surfboard back up the shore, and sluggishly walk up the hundred concrete steps that lead to the highway along the coast. I’m exhausted from surfing for hours straight, and it didn’t help at all. I put my board away and peel myself out of my wetsuit, draping it over the hook on my front porch to dry.
I take a hot shower and then load up Netflix on the TV, wondering if this will be my life for the next fifty years. Hanging out in my apartment alone, surfing alone, watching TV alone. I swallow the lump in my throat, and look up at the ceiling, suppressing a groan.
The wall casts a little blue shadow that’s blinking. My phone is plugged into the charger and the little LED light on the top of it is lighting up. I have a new email or something. It’s been hours since I bothered checking my phone. Normally when I’m home, I don’t look at it at all. This apartment is wired with surround sound so I play my music through the stereo.
I get up and check it, expecting some stupid email from Team Loco or something. My heartbeat races. The notification was for a text message from a number I don’t know.
I click on it.
Hi Clay. It’s Avery, your new official Team Loco intern. :) Just thought I’d give you my number in case you ever need it.
I’ve spent three days wishing I had her phone number and now I do. I save her to my contacts and then stare at the message. She sent it five hours ago. I check the time—it’s midnight here on the west coast, which means it’s two in the morning in Texas. Damn. I wonder if she was waiting for a reply from me and I left her hanging?
Maybe not—her message just sounds like a business message. Maybe she sent one to every Team Loco member. Or maybe it was her way of contacting me because she’s thinking of me the same way I’m thinking of her.
Once again, I wonder what would have happened if I’d met her at the airport before she left. I was really caught up in the moment then. I would have totally laid out my feelings for her, embarrassing myself in the process, just for the small chance that she felt the same way. And now that opportunity is gone, and I’ve had time to sleep on it, and although my feelings haven’t changed, maybe hers have.
I want to reply back so badly, but it’s late at night. If what she sent me was just a friendly business message then she’d be annoyed to get woken up this late by a reply.
My teeth dig into my bottom lip as I weigh my options. Finally, I text Jett, asking if he’s awake.
Yeah, he writes back a few seconds later. Relief hits me.
Me: Is your girl awake?
Jett: You chatting up my girl at two in the morning? Lol
Me: Trying to. Ha… if she’s awake can you have her call me?
A couple minutes later, Keanna calls.
“I thought I might be hearing from you,” she says. I’m relieved to hear music playing in the background, and she sounds wide awake, so at least I didn’t wake them up. They’re probably hanging out at the track with friends like they always do during the offseason.
“Oh? Why’s that?”
She chuckles. “Why don’t you explain yourself first and tell me why you’re calling so late.”
“I got a text from Avery,” I say.
“A text? That girl never listens to what I say.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. Disappointment settles over me. “Did you tell her not to talk to me?”
“No, I told her to call you.” Keanna groans. “Anyhow, what did she say? Are you two in love now?”
A nervous laugh escapes me. “No… but… I guess that means you know why I wanted to talk to you.”
“Just tell her your feelings, Clay. She wants to hear them.”
“What if I don’t know what my feelings are?” I say as I stare up at my ceiling, the phone clutched nervously to my ear.
“I think you do.”
“I have no idea how to be a boyfriend,” I admit.
“You’ve spent two years with Jett, I think you would have soaked up some tips on that by now,” she says with a chuckle. “Just be yourself. Treat her well. I know you’re a great guy under that asshole exterior of yours. She likes you.”
“How do you know that?” I ask.
“I know everything,” she says. I can practically see the coy smile on her face through the phone. “Stop being a nervous dork and just tell her how you feel. You can thank me later.”
“Fine,” I say, swallowing the nerves in my throat. “But don’t tell anyone anything about this conversation.”
“My lips are sealed,” she says before hanging up.
I sit here for a long time after talking to Keanna on the phone. She made me feel a lot better, but I’m still nervous as hell. I stare at Avery’s text and wonder if I should reply, but eventually I decide that it’s too late. I’ll talk to her in the morning. Maybe I’ll wait until the Christmas party at Jett’s house. Whatever I do, it needs to be perfect. Things between Avery and me are so rocky and delicate right now. One wrong move might push her away forever.
But the right move might mean changing my entire life for the better. It could mean having Avery as my girlfriend. It could make everything better.
Since I can’t possibly sleep right now, I get my laptop and look up the January supercross schedule. We’re traveling to twenty-four different cities for the season, and most of them are big name places that are top tourist spots. We usually spend a day or two in each city before the race, so there’s plenty of time to kill. Plenty of places to see. This time, I won’t just stay in my hotel or hit up the gym before the races. This time I’m going to take her everywhere. I get a notebook and open Google and start planning something for Avery. She told me her biggest dream is to see the world. I’m going to help her do that.
Chapter 22
On Thursday morning I wake up feeling nervous and I’m not even sure why. Then it hits me, like a ton of bricks to the face when I look over at my nightstand and see my phone sitting there. I almost wonder if I imagined sending that text, but I know I’m not that lucky. I sent it. I spent so long thinking of something to say that didn’t make me look like a silly girl with a crush, and then he ne
ver replied.
I reach for my phone, hoping that maybe he did reply and I didn’t see it. But there are no new notifications from Clay, and it’s nearly lunchtime since I slept in so late, so he’s had plenty of time. My heart aches and I feel like the world’s biggest loser. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent such a generic message. Maybe if I had just said, “hey, I like you, let’s do something about it” then I would have gotten a reply.
Or maybe he’d have put a restraining order on me.
Now I’m really second guessing going to Jett’s Christmas party. I’m also glad I didn’t reveal my feelings for him in my text. Now I can just play it off like I sent that text to everyone on the team and that I didn’t expect a reply. I get out of bed and try to put on a brave face. If Clay doesn’t want to text me back, then that’s fine. I’ll find a way to get over it.
My parents aren’t too thrilled with the Christmas party in Lawson, Texas. It’s on Saturday, which is technically two days before Christmas, but I’ll probably fly home the next morning, on Christmas Eve. My mom is all upset that I might miss the holiday, but it’s not like we do anything special on the morning of Christmas Eve. She has to accept that I’m growing up and am going to do my own thing. I will not spend the rest of my life stuck in this small town with them.
I can’t wait to see the world, starting with my job with Team Loco. I’ve been looking into the paperwork and the career options, and as long as I get some kind of college degree while I’m interning with them, I’ll be able to get hired on full time. Hopefully this weirdness with Clay goes away and I can secure the job. My heart hurts every time I think about him, so I try very hard not to think about him.
When my phone rings later in the evening, I’m like ninety-nine percent sure it’s not Clay, but I still anxiously look at my phone, secretly wanting to see his name on the screen. Of course it’s not him, it’s Keanna.
“How’s my favorite intern?” she asks, sounding as bubbly and happy as always. I wish I felt even a fraction of her happiness.
“Eh, I’ve been better.”
“Wait… what? You mean you’re not bouncing off the walls right now?”
I roll my eyes. “Why would I do that?”
“Did you talk to Clay?”
“Er… not really.” I cringe because she’s going to want an explanation. “I didn’t call him, I just texted him.”
“And?” she says, her voice sounding all excited.
“And what?” I shrug and try to pretend like I’m not upset about it. “And that’s it. I sent him a text and he didn’t reply.”
“Did he call?”
“He didn’t do anything,” I say quickly. “For all I know, he never even saw it. Maybe it got lost in the world of text message signals in space and it was never delivered to his phone.”
“That’s weird,” she says slowly. “I’m sure you’ll hear from him soon.”
“I really doubt it. And I don’t care anymore… I’ve decided to let it go. Team Loco means more to me than a guy, so I’m just going to drop it.”
“Don’t drop it, and don’t be sad, okay? You’ll hear from him. I don’t know what’s taking him so long, but I know he’ll reply. He’s a good guy.”
My heart squeezes. “Can we stop talking about it now?”
“Sure,” Keanna says. “So anyway, when are you getting here?”
“I don’t know,” I say, putting her on speakerphone so I can check my emails on my phone. “Team Loco hasn’t sent me an itinerary for it yet.”
“Oh no, Avery,” Keanna says, her voice worried. “They’re not going to. Did anyone tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
She sighs. “Our Christmas party is just a fun thing we do. It’s not official Team Loco business or anything. That means they won’t buy your plane ticket or send you here. We just invited you over for fun.”
“Oh,” I say, feeling my cheeks turn red. That makes sense… why hadn’t I realized that earlier? “I’ll look up flights now. What airport is closest to you?”
“Houston,” Keanna says. “But then it’s a long drive here, but we can pick you up if you want.”
I search for flights from Dallas to Houston and they’re all booked. My heart sinks. I can only find a few flights at weird hours in the middle of the night but the price is insane. “The cheapest flight I can find is twelve hundred dollars,” I say into the phone as I hold back tears. “I can’t afford that.”
“Well how far is it to drive?”
“What’s your address?”
She gives me her address and I type it into Google, frowning when I see that it’s a six and a half hour drive from me. Not too bad, but I don’t have a car right now. There’s no way my parents would let me borrow my dad’s car for two days, leaving them with no transportation. And I’m not old enough to rent a car, and I don’t have any money to rent a car even if I asked my parents to fill out the paperwork.
“I’m totally screwed,” I say after exhausting all my options.
“Ugh, this sucks,” Keanna says. “I was really, really wanting you to come over. Plus, Clay will be here and we have so many decorations it’s like a romantic winter wonderland over here.” She sighs. “Do you have any friends you could bring with you that have a car?”
I immediately think of Mandy, but there’s no way she’d want to drive six hours with me. Maybe I could beg and convince her. “Maybe,” I say. “Will there be any hot single guys over there? My friend will only come if she thinks she can flirt with someone.”
Keanna laughs. “Totally. All the local motocross guys will be here, and some of Jett’s professional racer friends are flying in. She will have her pick of hot single guys. Except of course, for Clay, because he’s all yours.”
I feel my cheeks turn red. “Let me see what I can do,” I say. “I’ll call you back later.”
“Good luck! I can’t wait for you to come over!”
As soon as I hang up, I’m already regretting this plan. I really doubt I can convince Mandy to drive six and a half hours with me to a party with people she doesn’t know, even if there will be hot guys there. And even if I do—do I want her there? She hasn’t felt like my best friend lately. She’d probably make things feel weird and I wouldn’t know how to act around Clay with her watching. I’ve made the grave mistake of telling her about my crush and she’d no doubt blurt it out in front of him.
Bringing her to the party might be an epically bad idea. But I have no other options. I call Mandy and tell her all about the party. She listens intently and asks a lot of questions and then says, “Sorry I don’t think I can go. I’ve got a ton of family stuff I have to do over here.”
“But it’s just for the day before Christmas Eve,” I say, hoping it’ll change her mind. “That’s not even an official holiday. We could go there and come back in the same day and take turns driving.”
“Yeah, but that’s the day I’m helping picking up my cousins from the airport. My parents and I all have to go because they can’t fit into one car.”
“There’s going to be hot single motocross guys there,” I say, throwing out my last ditch attempt to win her over. “Keanna swears they’re all super hot.”
Mandy sighs into the phone. “That sounds amazing. I really wish I could go, but my parents would kill me. They’re already pissed that I don’t call them enough when I’m away at college, and they won’t stop talking about how they want me to spend family time with them now that I’m home. It’s annoying as hell.”
I close my eyes and tell her it’s okay. I didn’t really want her to go anyhow, but now I am officially out of options for getting to Jett’s party. Maybe this is the sign I needed, the confirmation from the universe that I am not supposed to be crushing on Clay. I need to keep my distance from him and only see him in a professional working manner. After all, the party is for friends, not coworkers.
Keanna is waiting on an update to see if I can make it, but I can’t bring myself to disappoint her right now, so I decide to
tell her later. I busy myself by wrapping the presents I bought for my parents and Mandy, and then I volunteer to make dinner for the family tonight. Only my parents sheepishly tell me they’re going out on a date so they don’t need me to cook for them.
Instead of the pasta I had planned, I just eat a bowl of cereal in front of the TV. I tell myself this boring existence won’t be for long. Next month I’ll be traveling again. I won’t be stuck here forever, and that’s at least something to be proud of. Just a few weeks ago, I had no plans for my future, and now I do.
I smile to myself and wash my cereal bowl before sitting back down on the couch in the living room. When my phone beeps, I know my time is up and I’ll have to tell Keanna that I can’t go to her party. Slowly, I make my way into my room to retrieve the phone and break the bad news to her.
Only her name doesn’t show up on my screen.
Clay: Hey there. It’s good to finally have your phone number.
Holy crap. There are so many ways to interpret those words. Is he being friendly? Flirty? Hinting at something more? What took him so long to reply? I take a deep breath and tell myself to play it cool. I wait ten minutes before I can’t stand it any longer and I type out a reply.
Me: Yep. Thought you should have it since I’m an official intern now.
Clay: You weren’t an official intern before?
Me: I think it was kind of probationary… but I’ve been offered the job for the supercross season so now you’re stuck with me.
I bite my lip, grinning as I send the text. It’s a tad bit flirty. Maybe I’m crossing the line. Maybe I’m being too flirty and he’s going to think it’s annoying. But I have to find out one way or the other. Is there something between us or not?
Clay: Being stuck with you isn’t the worst thing to be. :)