by Elle Keating
He wanted to hear those words from Peyton, not the robot she had turned into. Where was she? Trapped in her own head? Wrapped up in her thoughts of her mother and her disgusting boyfriend?
Reggie.
His anger mounted once again and before he could stop himself he asked, “Are you in danger?”
Still without looking at him, she answered, “No. My mother wants money, nothing else.”
Part of him knew that he should mind his own business. That he had no right to ask, but he had to know. “Is Reggie in prison?”
Her sharp intake of breath told him that he had hit a very exposed nerve. “He’s not a threat.”
A non-answer. And one he wasn’t at all satisfied with.
“How can you be so sure?”
Silence.
He had despised the pain she had experienced after Shelby had left Gus’s, how Peyton had unraveled in his arms and cried, but he hated her silence even more. He missed her passion, her strength, her quick wit. He wanted her to tell him to fuck off, to mind his Goddamn business. Not sit here like some shell of a woman.
Her mother did this. Reggie did this. His fingers clenched the steering wheel and through gritted teeth he said, “Answer me, Peyton. How can you be so sure?”
She finally looked at him. “Because I killed him.” Her voice didn’t waver. Her eyes didn’t well. She was as calm as he had ever seen her. Luke pulled into the church parking lot and turned off the ignition. He didn’t attempt to get out of the truck and neither did she. “My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner…and that he didn’t suffer nearly enough.”
Her words weren’t meant to shock or provoke him. There was no glint in her eye or a smile tugging at her lips as she made her confession. It was matter of fact and exactly how she felt. Maybe he should have felt a little uneasy that she displayed no remorse for committing murder, but he didn’t. Instead, pride and awe overwhelmed him as he stared at her.
“Would you like me to fill in the holes?” She took a deep breath and let it out. “But I’m sure you’ve pieced most of it together by now.” That glazed-over look in her eyes, the one he absolutely hated, disappeared and he was again staring into the eyes of the woman he was acquainted with.
“Yes. But only if you want to,” he said, resting his hands in his lap. He wasn’t sure she would want to be touched while she was disclosing the details of her horrific childhood, so he decided to err on the side of caution.
“Shelby wasn’t always a drug addict. Although my memory is a little hazy, I remember when my mother actually put her children’s needs ahead of her own. But a few months after my seventh birthday, I noticed something was wrong with her. She started going out every night, slept a lot and stopped caring if my sister and I took our baths or ate dinner. I didn’t make the connection right away that the change was linked with the ‘friend’ she had introduced us to one night. And then one day I found my mother and her ‘friend’ sitting at the kitchen table shoving white powder up their noses. Soon after, she yelled at me for not staying in my bedroom, all the while spitting and slurring her words, and collapsed on the couch, where she remained until the next day. That behavior quickly became the norm. There were always drugs in the apartment, always men to supply them. I know it’s hard to imagine, but before the drugs really took hold and did their damage my mother was very pretty. It wasn’t hard for her to attract the lowlifes and convince them to pay her bills, at least enough of them to keep us from being evicted. But as her looks began to fade, her desperation grew and her drugging got even worse, so much so that our inner city school caught wind of it. Social services was called and Shelby was forced into rehab by some judge. Lainey and I were sent to live with a foster family for a few months. Life with that foster family was better in the fact that we were fed three meals every day and weren’t exposed to people shooting up in the kitchen, but it was also the first time I experienced true fear.”
“What happened?” Luke asked.
“The foster family had a fifteen-year-old son, one who apparently liked to walk in on his foster sister as she showered. The first time he ‘accidently’ strolled in I wanted to believe it was just that, an accident that wouldn’t be repeated. But then he showed up the next night and then the night after that. Each time I screamed for him to get out. He would chuckle and then leave. He never touched me. Only stared. But on that last night, the night before we left to go back to Shelby he came into the bathroom, drew back the shower curtain and jerked off in front of me.”
That sick son of a bitch!
“I didn’t know what to think. But I knew what I was witnessing was wrong. I went to scream but he quickly shut me up by telling me that if I made a sound, he would shove his penis in my mouth. A couple strokes later and he was done. By the next morning Lainey and I were sent back to a rehabilitated Shelby. Her sobriety lasted a whopping three days. She was back to drugs and her men and I was more aware of what could happen if Lainey and I were sent away again. So I did what I had to do. I made sure Lainey and I looked presentable at school, that our hair was combed, our fingernails were clean. I made certain that our homework was always done, that permission slips were signed, even if they had to be forged, and we never missed school even if we weren’t feeling well. I didn’t want anyone to know that my mother had slipped back into her old ways. I couldn’t risk Lainey and I being sent to live with that foster family again. I doubt Shelby was cognizant enough to know that Lainey and I pretty much took care of ourselves while she drank, got stoned and serviced her men in a bedroom with walls that were way too thin.”
It took all of Luke’s strength not to punch a hole through his own windshield. But he had to find the restraint. He took her hand in his and was relieved when she didn’t pull away.
“By the time I was eleven, I knew what my mom was doing with those men. I had walked in on her countless times giving her boyfriend of the week a blowjob. Most of the men didn’t stick around long enough to cause Lainey and me problems. But there were a few that thought it was okay to rough us up like they did our mother, give us a slap, a kick to the gut, an occasional choking. And then my mom brought Reggie home. I’m not sure where she dug him up, but within a week he practically moved in and took over the apartment. He was soon footing all the bills, which Shelby bragged about, and filled the pantry and fridge with food. He even took Lainey and me out for ice cream one afternoon. Being the innocent, sweet little girl that she was, Lainey thought Reggie was just being nice. But I knew there was something wrong with Reggie. I saw the way he looked at me. No man should look at an eleven-year-old girl like that. And then one night he did more than just look.”
Luke squeezed Peyton’s hand. He knew what was coming next. He fought back the urge to vomit.
“While my mom was passed out in her bedroom and Lainey was taking her bath, Reggie raped me.” Those tears she had miraculously kept at bay flowed freely. He ached to stop them and fold her into his arms, but he knew she needed this. She needed to purge every pent-up secret. “For the next month, he would come to my room. I wanted to scream, I wanted to beg my mom to save me, but she was useless. But that wasn’t what prevented me from getting help. It was his threats. He threatened to hurt Lainey if I ever told on him. And I believed him. He would have hurt my sister, I have no doubt about that. But I also knew that he was a monster. That at some point he would probably violate my sister regardless whether I kept my mouth shut or not. So one night while my sister was asleep in the next room and Shelby lay comatose on the living room couch, while his disgusting penis was jammed in my mouth, I withdrew the pair of scissors I had hidden in my shirtsleeve and stabbed him in the balls.
“I didn’t expect so much blood…and his screams, they were so loud. He lay huddled over on my bedroom floor, clutching his groin. But it wasn’t enough. Seeing him writhing in pain, like the snake that he was, wasn’t nearly enough. So I went to the kitchen and grabbed his gun off the table. It was the one time that I was thankful that he was a drug dealer
and carried a loaded weapon with him at all times. Reggie was still in the same place that I had left him but now he was crying instead of screaming. Adrenaline pumped through me as I raised the gun with both hands and squeezed the trigger. He was dead before the cops arrived. Sadly, it was those same cops that had to rouse Shelby from her drug-induced slumber. She had slept through the whole thing. But Lainey hadn’t. She found me standing in the kitchen, calling the police and covered from head to toe in Reggie’s blood. Thankfully, I had the sense to close my bedroom door, so she never actually saw Reggie’s mutilated corpse.”
Nothing could have prepared him for the story Peyton had just told him. Absolutely nothing. And nothing would have prepared him for the feelings her tale invoked. He wanted to turn the car around and drive far away from here. In some secluded place he would drop to his knees and worship this woman.
“Do you think I’m a monster?” she asked, her eyes searching his. “I stabbed a man and murdered him. And my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.”
“A monster? Is that what you thought I would feel?”
Her lips formed a straight line, as if she purposefully was refraining from answering.
“I am…humbled, Peyton. Humbled by your strength, by your loyalty to your sister, by your will to live. When I look at you, I don’t see a victim or a broken woman who lived to tell a sordid tale…or a monster. I just see you…and you’re extraordinary.”
Her cheeks turned a beautiful shade of crimson. “I…um…I don’t know why I told you what happened to me.” She suddenly appeared shy and nervous.
“I hope it’s because you knew I wouldn’t judge you…that I would understand.”
“Or maybe it’s because I knew this was the last time we would see each other.” Her words didn’t come out clipped. There was not a hint of anger in her eyes, rather just pain and acceptance.
He didn’t acknowledge what she’d just said. Instead he leaned over, gave her a kiss on the forehead and said, “Please take care of yourself. And don’t hesitate to call the police if your mother shows up again.”
Peyton gave him a sad smile. Her tearstained cheeks still glistened as she said, “I will. Goodbye, Luke.” With that, she got out of his truck and walked into the church.
Chapter Twenty-One
Luke
It had been less than twenty-four hours since he watched Peyton walk into that church, yet it felt like a fucking month. Luke lost count of how many times he had picked up his phone to call or text her, only to toss it aside and curse himself for being a selfish bastard. He desperately wanted to hear her voice, to know that she was okay. He couldn’t imagine what it had been like for her to not only see her deadbeat piece of shit mother after all these years, but to listen to said shithead taunt her with lies. Frustrated, he threw on his coat and escaped to his side yard where an ax and a pile of wood were waiting for him.
Two hours later, he was dripping with sweat. He had peeled off his coat and the thermal beneath only fifteen minutes in, but he was still soaked. Luke was in mid-chop when he saw his parents’ car cruising down the long driveway leading to his house. He rested the ax against a tree and walked over to greet his parents.
“My boy. I’ve missed you so.” His mom took his face in her strong but delicate hands. “We brought groceries. Are you hungry?”
Despite his foul mood, he couldn’t help but laugh. Lucrezia McGinnis always knew how to cheer him up, which was usually with food. And Christ, could that woman cook. “I’m starving, Mama. How did you know?”
She squeezed his cheeks before letting him go. “Because mothers know these things.”
Not all mothers do.
Shelby Walters didn’t know jack shit about being a good mother. And he didn’t even want to get started on his own biological mother. She and Shelby were most definitely cut from the same ratty cloth.
Luke smiled at the woman he had learned to call Mama, the woman who had taken him and his brothers in and loved them from day one. She was also the woman who had restored his faith and made him believe that not all women were cruel and self-serving. “Yes, they do,” he said, taking the bag of groceries from her arms. “So, how is Morgan doing? I called Aunt Day last night and she said Morgan was released from the hospital.”
His mom shook her head and smiled. “It’s your brother you should be worried about, not Morgan. The only time Jake left her side was to use the bathroom or to speak to the doctors.”
“Can you blame him? She just came back into his life. I imagine that the thought of losing her, after all these years of living without her, scares him to death.”
“Scared of losing the woman he loves and their unborn child.”
Luke took his mom into his arms and hugged her. “They’re both going to be fine. You’ll see…Grandma.”
His mom broke away and gave him a gentle swat on his cheek. “I love the sound of that.” With a mischievous glint in her eye, she stole the groceries back and marched right into his house.
“Are you trying to cut back on the heating bill? There’s enough wood here to heat half the town.” His father zipped up his coat, dug a ski cap out of one of the pockets and secured it on his head. “Or is something on your mind?”
His dad could be a straight shooter about certain things, but when it came to Luke and his twin brothers his dad often gave them a little latitude, never forcing them to talk about things that made them uncomfortable, never bringing up the past.
“Just blowing off some steam,” he said. Luke turned and headed back to his woodpile, but not before retrieving his ax. His dad followed behind. “So, I’m glad you’re back. The winery missed you. And I’m positive that your clients did as well. Your absence only confirmed that my place is in the fields and yours is with the public,” he said, attempting to lighten the mood.
Out of the corner of his eye, Luke watched his dad bend down and gather an armful of chopped wood. He then walked over to the pile Luke had started and carefully stacked the logs. “I’m sure you did just fine,” his dad said. “The winery is in one piece and there is enough ‘steam’ here to build a log cabin.”
He wasn’t going to let this go. Something in his dad’s voice told Luke that for the first time in his life as a McGinnis, his dad was going to press him. But what shocked the hell out of him was that Luke wanted to talk to him. Luke didn’t know for sure, but he had a feeling that Peyton had rubbed off on him, unintentionally giving him the strength he needed to talk about things that normally would send him into a full-fledged panic attack.
“I met a woman.”
I met a woman? That was all he could say? No, he could do much better than that.
“She is beautiful both inside and out.” He swallowed past the lump in his throat. “And she may very well be the strongest woman I’ve ever met.”
“Considering that Lucrezia McGinnis is your mother and Carina McGinnis is your sister, that’s saying something.” His dad dusted off his hands on his jeans and walked over to him. “Where is she, Luke?”
“I let her go.” Luke drew his ax back and snapped the log in half. “Because I wasn’t strong enough.”
“So better to end it now before you fall in love with her. Is that it?”
“I don’t deserve her, Dad. Peyton deserves…better than me. If she knew about…” Luke hung his head and rested the ax at his side. “I can’t subject her to that.”
“So you didn’t tell her?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because she would leave. Who in their right mind would voluntarily want to deal with my shit day in and day out?”
“Do you think Peyton wouldn’t understand?”
A sick laugh almost escaped his lips. Understand? Peyton may be the only woman alive who could understand what he had gone through. Yet that didn’t mean she would stick around when his nightmares were too vivid, or he shut down over something she said or did. “Let’s just say, Peyton and I…we have a lot in common.”
&
nbsp; His dad’s face fell, but then he immediately regrouped. “I see.” His dad gathered the wood at his feet and added the logs to the stack. “So, she shared her past with you?”
“Yes.”
“And her life story, the trauma she had endured, it disgusted you?”
Luke flinched at his dad’s question. Disgusted him? What Peyton had lived through was appalling, but nothing about Peyton was disgusting. Nothing. “God, no.”
“Then how did it make you feel? How did you feel about Peyton after she told you what had happened to her?”
“It made me love her even more.”
There was no hesitation. No regret lingered.
He was in love with her. The realization made him drop his ax to the ground. He raked his fingers along his sweaty scalp as he thought about the implications, about what the hell he was going to do now. For the first time in his life he was deeply in love with a woman, a woman he had hurt and pushed away, far away, to another country, in fact. She had to be in Italy by now. What was she doing? Preparing for the show? Being hit on by every man with a pulse?
“You know, all these years I’ve watched you suffer in silence, but no matter what you did, no matter how much therapy you received, you couldn’t find peace. I blamed myself and still do. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I didn’t get to Warren first, before he was gunned down by another low-life. Because then maybe, just maybe he wouldn’t haunt you anymore, maybe you would be able to find the peace you deserve.”
His dad’s words captivated him. Gabe had mentioned that Peyton may hold the key to everything. At the time, Luke hadn’t wanted to believe Gabe…that a woman with eyes that reflected his own troubled past could be his salvation. But now? Things were different. He was different.
“A bullet through Warren’s head would never have brought me peace. I don’t ever want you to think that you were too late, that you and Mama didn’t do enough, that you could have even prevented me from trying to take my own life. No amount of love or therapy was going to stop me that day. My mind had been made up long before you found us in that apartment. The only reason I had waited to kill myself was to make sure Gabe and Brennan were safe and settled. When I saw that they were, that they were going to have the life I wanted for them, I thought it was time I made my exit.”