by Elle Keating
She wanted to throw her hands over her ears and hum loudly so she wouldn’t have to hear Gabe. She didn’t want to feel sorry for Luke.
Why was he here? “Why are you telling me this?” she asked, walking over to the couch and taking a seat.
“Luke told me about Eden,” he said, sitting next to her.
“And the prostitutes? And his need for emotionless fucking? Did he tell you about those as well?” She didn’t intend to come off so crass, but the moment the word prostitutes slipped past her lips she saw red.
“I would like to say that I was surprised that he had to resort to all that, but I wasn’t when he told me that tonight.”
Peyton blinked several times. “Wait, are you telling me that tonight was the first time you heard of Eden and the prostitutes?”
Those blue eyes of his searched her own as he said, “Yes.”
His own brother.
Obviously, they were close. Even if Luke hadn’t told her how much he loved his family, the way Gabe spoke of Luke, the fact that he was here in her living room, spoke volumes. “Why weren’t you surprised, Gabe? That he resorted to that…lifestyle?”
Gabe shifted in his seat. For the first time he appeared nervous. Guilt crept in and she suddenly felt like a monster.
You know it has something to do with his past…his sick twisted past. Don’t make Gabe relive it. He sure as hell doesn’t deserve it.
“You know what, don’t answer that. I’m sorry. I know you had a terrible childhood and you don’t need me to remind you of that with my questions.”
That nervousness she had seen in his gaze dissolved completely as his eyes softened. “Do you always do that? Put others’ needs before your own? The way Luke did for Brennan and me while we were growing up?” Her face grew warm at his compliment and she looked away. “Now I understand why he cares so deeply for you.”
“I still love him…so much that it feels like I can’t breathe. But I don’t know how to get past this…to understand why.” The tears started to form and her eyelids grew heavy. She was fighting off the onslaught when Gabe took her chin and gently forced her to look at him.
“It’s because you love him that you need to know why, that those bits and pieces you know about his childhood will only make sense when you hear the rest.” His fingers fell away and he folded his hands in his lap. “He’ll want to kill me when he finds out that I told you, but my fear is that if I don’t, there is a very real possibility that he’ll lose you for good. And that can’t happen.” She didn’t have the strength to combat his words, nor did she want him to put off what he was about to say one second longer, so she kept quiet and let him begin.
“Luke had just turned eight when our mother brought her new boyfriend home, or so that was what we thought he was at the time. There had been so many coming and going that it was hard to keep up. But this one, Warren was his name, stayed and eventually he moved in with us.”
Warren. Luke had mumbled his name while he slept. It killed Peyton to know that all these years later this man still taunted him in his nightmares.
“Warren was a mean bastard, hitting our mother, screaming at her, degrading her in front of us, but she never kicked his ass out.”
She was watching their parallel lives intersect in her mind.
Reggie. Her weak, selfish mother.
Warren. His weak, selfish mother.
“Melissa, our mother, had been a drug addict as long as we could remember. When she wasn’t actively drugging she was working the streets and turning tricks for money…to buy more drugs and the occasional bag of groceries. Life was far from pleasant, but things really took a turn for the worst when Warren, the man we would later learn was her pimp, took over every penny she made. But it wasn’t enough for him. With the three of us sitting in our room, easily within earshot, Warren told Melissa that if she didn’t supply him with enough money she would pay him through other means. We didn’t know what that meant at the time, but two nights later Luke found out what he had in mind.”
Peyton covered her mouth with one hand, forcing back a sob, and gripped Gabe’s knee with the other. His hand protectively enveloped hers as he continued. “For months Warren sexually abused Luke. Sometimes he would make me and Brennan watch, to show us what would happen to us if we told. But it didn’t prevent Brennan and me from trying to stop Warren. We would kick and punch him, but we were only six and couldn’t cause any real damage to that savage. Crying and feeling completely helpless, Brennan and I looked on. But Luke never cried, not even when Warren seared his back with cigarettes and cigars. The only time we ever heard Luke beg was when Warren told him that Brennan and I would be coming of age and would not be on the sidelines much longer. Luke pleaded with Warren not to touch Brennan and me, that he would do anything he wanted as long as he didn’t lay a hand on us.”
“And did he? Did Warren ever…”
“No, Warren left Brennan and me alone, leaving Luke to pay the hefty price.”
“Where was your mom?” she asked. Her stomach roiled, her throat felt like it was closing up, but she knew she needed to hear everything. As much as it devastated her.
“Sometimes she was there in the room watching, other times she was passed out on the couch.”
“She knew what Warren was doing to him? She watched?” she asked in horror.
“Yes. Warren would exact payment from Luke whenever Melissa’s earnings fell short. This arrangement allowed for her drug habit to continue.” Gabe squeezed her hand. “Do you want me to go on, Peyton?”
“I feel like I’m going to be sick. But I need to know this,” she said.
“One day Melissa and Warren didn’t come home. And then one day turned into two. For a week we didn’t see them. And though it was a welcome reprieve, we had run out of food and Brennan and I grew ill. Luke was also sick, but he didn’t care about himself. It was our suffering, Brennan’s mounting fever that drove Luke to leave the apartment to get food and medicine. Luke returned quickly but he had been followed. A policeman had witnessed him shoplifting children’s Motrin, peanut butter and crackers at the corner store and had tailed him back to the apartment.”
Images of an eight-year-old boy stuffing food and medicine for his sick brothers into his shirt flashed through her mind and this time she couldn’t stifle her sobs. Through stuttered breaths she did manage to ask, “The policeman?”
For the first time since he began the disgusting tale, Gabe smiled. “Patrick. He was the policeman who saved us that day and every day since. He took us to the hospital and never left our sides.”
“And Melissa? Warren? What happened to them?”
“They turned up dead. Caught up in a drug bust. I always thought that their deaths were too swift, too forgiving. Monsters like that deserved to suffer and pay for what they had done to three innocent children. I believe Luke felt…feels…the same and that’s why Warren still haunts him and why he has never risked his heart until now.”
Every piece of the puzzle locked into place. Why he had tried to kill himself, why he had resorted to women who would never require more, why he had pushed her away initially and always looked like he was at war with himself. Why he said and believed he was fucked up.
“264 Chauffer Street, Atlantic City, New Jersey,” Gabe said, jarring her from her thoughts.
Peyton wasn’t sure where Gabe was going with this and he must have recognized her deer-in-headlights expression, because he continued by saying, “That was the address to the apartment building, to the hell we lived in. It’s also the site where Eden now stands.”
“What?” she asked.
“About five years ago when Luke had acquired enough money, he went to Atlantic City with every intention of buying that vacated apartment building and leveling it to the ground, wiping it from existence. He wanted it destroyed, but then Ashton Coe—a woman Luke has never slept with, by the way—came along and made him an offer that he honestly thought would end his suffering.”
Peyton’s
mind swirled. The apartment building. Eden. Luke’s suffering. It was all too much to comprehend. But what she didn’t have trouble understanding was the fact that Luke had never had sex with Ashton. She felt pathetic and selfish to feel relieved over that but right now she would take it.
“But now Luke suffers for an entirely different reason.” Gabe took both her hands in his and looked her in the eye. “He thinks that he has lost you. But he also believes that he doesn’t deserve you. And that’s why I’m here. You needed to know how it all began before you make your decision to either love him for who he is or walk away for good.”
Gabe was right. She needed to be fair and true to herself and Luke. But she also needed to process everything she just learned. “Thank you for coming, Gabe. I know that this couldn’t be easy for you.”
“It was the right thing to do.” He stood and walked over to the door. “Even if I am going to get my ass kicked for it.”
Peyton smiled. She went up on her tiptoes, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, “Luke’s lucky to have you.”
Gabe shook his head. “No, I’m the lucky one.”
They locked eyes for a second and nodded at the same time, fully understanding the moment that had just passed between them. With a quick smile, Gabe turned and left.
Peyton drifted away from the door. Though she was neither drunk nor impaired in any way, the room felt like it was spinning and she reached for the nearest hard surface to stabilize herself. She had kept it together as best as she could while Gabe spoke of Warren and the horrific abuse that Luke had suffered, but now, without the need to appear strong, she let go and sobbed for that little boy. The boy who had tried to kill himself because the pain had just been too much. And later the man who thought he didn’t deserve to love and be loved by a woman. He had resorted to a lifestyle that still made her want to be physically ill, but she now understood it had been his means of coping.
Peyton couldn’t help but think of how she had coped all these years. Was her way of running from her past that much better? Sure, she hadn’t paid for sex or opened up some exotic club, but she had intentionally kept men at arm’s length, never staying with one man too long, never sharing anything too personal. And her career had made it so easy to keep the lie going.
You’re a celebrity, therefore people only want your money. Don’t trust them. Don’t let them in. Keep those walls you have surrounding your heart impenetrable.
That had been her mantra. Her reason to have emotionless sex.
Emotionless sex.
She and Luke were alike. It was obvious and so incredibly sad.
But there was one glaring difference, something she couldn’t get past. She had bared her soul to him, leaving nothing to the imagination when she told him about the abuse she had suffered. And what had been his response? He not only didn’t trust her enough to share his past with her, but he had made plans to ensure that it remained buried. How could she be with a man who didn’t trust her? How could she trust him moving forward?
Peyton heard her phone buzz on the couch. She knew it was her sister before she even picked it up. Shit! She was late for Mass and Lainey was worried. Grumbling and in no mood to sing Christmas carols and spread holiday cheer, Peyton grabbed her purse, coat, and keys and ran out the front door.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Peyton
As much as Peyton had dreaded going out in public tonight, she was glad she had gone to church. There had been moments during the Mass when Peyton had glanced over and saw Gus staring straight ahead, seemingly lost in thought. Maybe he had been praying. Maybe he had been listening to the priest’s homily, but Peyton got the feeling that her dad was thinking about Gina. It had been during one of those times Peyton reached over and grabbed his hand. Her touch seemed to break his trance and he had given her a warm smile.
After Mass, Gus had introduced Lainey and Peyton to some of the men he worked with on soup kitchen nights. Peyton had watched Lainey’s cheeks pinken as Gus gushed about her upcoming wedding to his buddies. Ordinarily pink cheeks would have been the precursor to a panic attack, but Lainey had surprised everyone by smiling at Gus and sharing in his excitement. Lainey was coming into her own and it was truly a beautiful thing to witness.
But the second they had left the church, when Peyton couldn’t be distracted by weddings, Gus’s charming friends, and Lainey’s progress, she had thought about Luke. The story Gabe had shared with her. Images of what he had gone through had flooded her mind and she physically wanted to be sick. Before the first tear could break free, she had given Gus a kiss on the cheek and told him, Lainey and Walt that she would meet them at home for dinner. She had then raced to her car.
Five minutes later she was still sitting in her puke green rental sedan across the street from St. Paul’s Catholic Church. Nat King Cole was on the radio and the heat was blasting and turning the cramped space into a sauna. Peyton took a few deep breaths, even tried to do those breathing exercises that she had coaxed Lainey to do when she had been on the verge, but nothing was going to work. It was time. She rammed her fist into the steering wheel and screamed. She cried for herself, for Luke, for those twins who’d had their innocence taken from them. She cried because the world could be such a fucked up place. She cursed until her voice was hoarse and she had no tears left. Breathless, she closed her eyes and rested her head against the driver’s seat. After several minutes, she forced her eyes open and noticed that her windshield was now covered in snowflakes. The sight reminded her of the first night she and Luke had made love. She’d had a breakdown in her car right outside his home, just like she was having now.
Where was he? Was he okay?
“He’s not okay. I’ve never seen him…so lost.”
That’s what Gabe had said to her, right before he told her everything Luke couldn’t. Why didn’t Luke tell her what happened to him when he was a child? Was he ashamed? Thought that she wouldn’t understand? Gabe’s words again played in her head.
“He thinks that he has lost you. But he also believes that he doesn’t deserve you. And that’s why I’m here. You needed to know how it all began before you make your decision to either love him for who he is or walk away for good.”
She couldn’t walk away.
Peyton withdrew her cell from her purse and texted Lainey. She hated breaking their Christmas Eve tradition, but she knew her family would understand. Even though they hadn’t forced it out of her, demanded to know what was wrong, they knew her foul mood and puffy eyes had something to do with Luke. Gus had simply given her a hug and told her that he was there if she needed him. Lainey also tried to console her, after she offered to go to Luke’s and give him a piece of her mind. Even Walt had chimed in and asked her if she wanted him to kick Luke’s ass. She had told them that she appreciated their support, even Walt’s gesture, but she was handling it.
A few seconds later Peyton’s phone chimed. Three heart emojis stared back at her and she smiled. Peyton tossed her phone on the passenger seat, flicked on the windshield wipers and pulled away from the curb.
***
Luke
“Love you, too, Mama. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Luke ended the call and continued to stare at the Christmas tree he and Peyton had decorated. It hadn’t looked that big at the farm amongst all the other trees. When they finally were able to wrestle it into the stand and cut the twine, unleashing the branches, he had immediately felt like Chevy Chase from Christmas Vacation. Peyton had just laughed and said that the tree wasn’t huge but full, that it was perfect. The next thing he knew they were in each other’s arms and making love on the living room floor next to the sap-filled monstrosity. It had been a perfect day.
But standing here now on Christmas Eve that day seemed so long ago. He then thought about Italy, about the kind of man he was there. He had been determined to make Peyton his, to convince her that he was the man for her. He had fought for her. And now that man was staring at a bunch of Christmas ornaments and feelin
g close to tears. He felt weak and pathetic, something Peyton wasn’t and could never be. Even when she had cried in his arms after seeing her mother for the first time in seventeen years, those tears hadn’t been shed because she was weak. She had cried because she was strong enough to show them to him. He had envied her that night. Was jealous of how brave and fearless she was. They had led similarly horrific lives growing up, and she had been the one to prevail, not him. She had fought through the darkness and shame and bared her soul to him.
He hadn’t been able to do the same at the time. But he could now.
This wasn’t over. Not yet. Maybe after she knew everything it would be, but she deserved the truth. All of it.
Luke threw his coat on, grabbed his keys and opened the front door only to find Peyton standing there with her fist raised as if getting ready to knock. They both flinched and took a step back. Her cell phone fell to the ground at the same time he dropped his keys. He didn’t bother to pick up his keys and she ignored her phone. Their eyes remained locked as they stood there. He didn’t know what to say now that she was here. Standing on his front porch with the snow falling behind her and wearing a black dress that went to her knees, Peyton looked beautiful and cold. He was just about to invite her in when she asked, “Truth for a truth?”
His breathing quickened and his palms grew sweaty. There was no turning back now. He nodded. Peyton stepped into his home and he quickly closed the door behind her. He watched her silently make her way over to their Christmas tree. A sad smile tugged at her lips as she feathered the needles with her fingertips. And then her hand fell to her side and she faced him. “Gabe told me about Warren,” she said, her eyes never leaving his. He didn’t have a mirror handy, but he knew that all the color had drained from his face.
She knew.
His brother, the man who barely spoke two words to people unless they were family members, had told Peyton his darkest secret. His first instinct was to be angry with him, at the betrayal, but then he realized how difficult it probably was for Gabe to do what he did. To break out of his comfort zone and confront Peyton, only to share something so personal, so painful. His brother had meant well, but a little heads up from Gabe that he had paid Peyton a visit would have been nice.