by Monica Burns
“You’re lying,” she screamed as she struck out at her brother. “Let me go. We can’t just leave them in there.”
She twisted her arm trying to break her brother’s grip on her arm as she looked back at the house and screamed Devin’s name again. She heard Sebastian speaking quietly in her ear, but not his words. Fighting like a madwoman, she broke free of her brother’s grasp and ran back toward the house. A second later Sebastian’s arms wrapped around her to hold her close against his chest. Still fighting his embrace, she screamed Devin’s name over and over again. Her wild cries shattered the night as guilt slashed into her very soul then swallowed her whole and everything went black.
Chapter 1
November 1899
“Madison said you wanted to see me?”
Louisa smiled at her eldest brother as she closed the door of his study behind her. As she sank down into one of the chairs facing his desk, she frowned at the serious expression on his face as he turned away from her to stare out the window. After several moments of silence it was impossible not to prod him into speaking.
“What’s wrong, Sebastian? Has something terrible happened?” Fear rose up inside her as she tried to remember where the boys were. A second later she began to breathe easier as she remembered they were in the nursery doing their lessons. Sebastian cleared his throat then circled the large mahogany desk to sit in the chair next to hers.
“Louisa, as the head of the family—”
“Clearly you’re about to lecture me on some transgression.” She smiled at him, despite her sudden sense of unease.
The instant Sebastian grimaced, her heart sank. It was obvious he was uncomfortable with whatever he wanted to discuss with her. It was unlike him. All her life she’d looked up to Sebastian. Where she was impetuous and prone to fits of anger, her brother had been the exact opposite.
With the exception of when Helen had been kidnapped by the Marquess of Templeton, the oldest Rockwood sibling was always controlled and unflappable. Although in recent years he wasn’t quite as rigid as he’d been before Helen came into his life. To see him hesitate now only increased her tension.
“No, I have no intention of lecturing you.” A frown furrowed his brow as he dropped his gaze to study the floor for a long moment then raised his head to look at her with a resolute expression. “It’s time to let go, Louisa.”
“Let go of what?” she replied innocently, although she knew precisely what her brother meant.
“Do not pretend to be obtuse, Louisa, it doesn’t suit you,” Sebastian snapped before he released an oath beneath his breath.
“What is it you really want to say, Sebastian?”
She was now certain she knew what the discussion was about, but she refused to make it easy for him. His status as head of the family didn’t grant him carte blanche to question her behavior. It was a Rockwood trait to meddle in the affairs of loved ones with the goal of ensuring happiness for their family. But this was different.
Hers wasn’t a wound of the heart, it was the guilt that crushed her with every waking moment. Even in sleep she wasn’t completely free from nightmares. As if he knew exactly what she was thinking, he narrowed his eyes at her.
“It’s time to start living again. You’re far too young to grieve in the same manner as the Queen has done for years. You cannot give up on life when it has so much to offer.”
“And what does it have to offer?” she said as she heard the bitterness in her voice.
“A great deal if you would simply visit us here in London more often and reenter society.”
“I do visit you here. In fact, I’ve been here for almost two months,” she snapped as she glared at him. Sebastian scowled back.
“And in that time, you’ve rarely gone out. Other than Helen’s and my anniversary party, working at White Willow House, and attending the occasional opera or theater with Percy and Rhea, you're practically a recluse,” Sebastian growled in obvious frustration. “You don’t receive callers, you don’t make social calls, and you don't accept any of the invitations that have been delivered to the house. You’ve even refused to go for a drive in the park with Helen or Constance.”
“Is that all that’s troubling you?” Louisa released a soft noise of disgust. “My lack of inclination to attend frivolous events?”
“They didn’t used to be so frivolous for you.”
She shook her head as she struggled with Sebastian’s words. It was true she’d always loved going to parties, but she’d been younger then. Now her shoulders bore the heavy weight of anger, pain, and guilt. When she didn’t answer him, Sebastian released a sound of irritation.
“Damn it to hell, Louisa. The fire was an accident. A terrible, unfortunate accident. No one is responsible for that damn log knocking over that fire screen and setting the manor on fire.” The ferocity of his reply startled her, and she jumped as his words settled in her brain.
“I know that,” she said softly as she looked away from him.
“Then end your mourning. It’s been more than two years now. It’s time to start living again—see old friends.”
“Society no longer holds any interest for me. I like my life as it is.”
“Of course you do,” Sebastian growled. “You hide yourself away in the abbey with only Aunt Matilda and the boys for company. That’s not living.”
“You know good and well that I have always loved staying at the abbey. How many times did you threaten to punish me by sending me there, only to realize it wouldn’t be a punishment at all?”
“You’re no longer a child.”
“True. I’m a grown woman who doesn’t need her oldest brother dictating to her as to how she should grieve for her dead husband.”
“It isn’t my intent to dictate how you grieve, Louisa, but there’s more to it than that, isn’t there.”
Sebastian’s quiet words made her grow still as a hare sensing danger. She swallowed hard, uncertainty flooding through her as she met her brother’s steady gaze. Surely he couldn’t know the truth. If he did, she wasn’t sure she could bear to see the disappointment in his eyes at the way she’d sent Devin to his death. When she didn’t speak, Sebastian shook his head slightly.
“The night of the fire, I was unable to sleep and decided to retrieve a book from the library. It was difficult not to hear you and Devin fighting when I passed your door on my way downstairs.” Sebastian paused slightly as sorrow darkened his handsome features. “The irony of my timing is not lost on me. If I’d gone downstairs just an hour or so later, I might have been able to prevent the entire disaster.”
“You mustn’t say that. You said yourself it was an accident,” she exclaimed softly as she caught his hand in a gesture of comfort and reassurance.
“And it was an accident, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets, just as I suspect you do.”
Louisa dropped her brother’s hand as if it were a hot iron. She refused to confess to him, or anyone, the terrible sin she’d committed that horrific night. Refused to share with anyone the words she’d flung at Devin shortly before he perished so terribly. Words she could never take back. Springing to her feet, she turned and walked toward the door without speaking.
Sebastian had always encouraged her to face her fears head on, and she knew his raising the question of regret was deliberate. It was time to face the pain and guilt rooted deep inside her. She’d accepted that fact months ago.
She just didn’t know how to face the pain of Devin’s betrayal or the disappointment of knowing he hadn’t loved her enough to tell her the truth. Worst of all, she didn’t know how to forgive herself for the last words she and Devin had exchanged the night of the fire.
“Devin wouldn’t want you to grieve like this, Louisa.” At Sebastian’s words, a wild, unconstrained anger surged through her. She whirled around to glare at him.
“How do you know what he would or wouldn’t want me to do?”
“I know because Devin was like a brother to me. He was just
as much a part of this family before he married into it as he was after he married you.” Sorrow swept across his face. “I know Devin would not want you to stop living. He loved you too much for that.”
“I don’t think you knew Devin half as well as you think,” she said with a bitterness that mixed with her anger, pain, and guilt. “My husband had a child with another woman.”
“What the devil would make you think such a thing let alone say it, Louisa?” Sebastian’s harsh admonishment and stunned disbelief sent a jolt of irony through her. Clearly not even her brother had been privy to his best friend’s secrets. She laughed mirthlessly.
“Because he admitted it the night of the fire.”
“There has to be some other explanation, Louisa,” Sebastian protested in a bewildered tone. “Devin loved you. I’m sure of it.”
“Of course he did.” She didn’t bother to hide her humiliation in her scathing reply. “He loved me enough to hide the fact that he had a bastard son. A child he’d provided for since before we were married. Provided for the child’s mother.” She inhaled a deep breath as she remembered the letter from their solicitor she’d mistakenly opened. The same paper she’d thrown at Devin during their argument. The vivid memory stabbed at her heart with the strength of a physical blow that she almost bent over from the pain of it.
“I don’t believe it,” Sebastian ground out in an obvious struggle to deny the inevitable. “I can’t believe Devin would ever betray his vows to you.”
“You don’t know that. I don’t know that. He says he didn’t, but how can I believe that when he kept the truth from me the entire time we were married?” Eyes closed she shook her head slightly. “He betrayed me by hiding the truth. He made me doubt him—doubt his love for me.”
“Devin was my best friend. I’m not surprised he would have kept such a matter to himself. He loved you, Louisa. He would have gone to great lengths to spare you the pain or gossip such news would cause.”
“Would you have tried to spare Helen from such news? Do you love her so little as to not trust her with all your secrets?” When he hesitated, she glared at him. “Answer me, Sebastian. Would you have hidden this sort of truth from Helen?”
“No,” he said quietly. “I would have told her everything.”
“And yet somehow I’m supposed to believe Devin didn’t tell me about his bastard because he loved me? Didn’t want to hurt me?”
“Think about it, Louisa. If he’d betrayed you with another woman, the Set would have gone out of their way to ensure you heard about it,” Sebastian said fiercely and with conviction. “They thrive on gossip, and the majority of them are filled with jealousy that all the Rockwoods have happy marriages. A rarity among the Marlborough set.”
Louisa met her brother’s gaze and winced. What Sebastian said was true. If Devin had really been keeping the mother of his bastard child as his mistress, the gossips would have gleefully ensured she knew about it. As the logic of her brother’s words sank in, she closed her eyes and swallowed hard at the possibility Sebastian was right. Tears welled up behind her eyelids, and she shuddered. The sudden touch of her brother’s hands on her shoulders made her open her eyes to meet his gaze.
“He did love you, Louisa. I firmly believe that.”
“But not enough to tell me the truth,” she said softly.
Pain, anger, and doubt ate away at her just as the memory of how harshly she’d condemned him that night. Words she’d said in anger. Words that weighed on her every waking moment.
“Damn it, Louisa. You need to let all of it go. You’ll fade away into someone no one will recognize, not even yourself. If you won’t talk with me, then speak with Aunt Matilda, Helen, one of your sisters.” Sebastian shook her gently until she jerked away
“I’ll keep my own counsel, Sebastian. I’ve already revealed more than I should have.” Louisa waved her hand in a gesture that said she refused to continue with the discussion. “You cannot convince me to change my plans to leave for Callendar Abbey in the morning. I need some time to myself, so I intend to leave the boys here. They enjoy being with their cousins, and Aunt Matilda has agreed to bring them with her when she returns to Scotland.”
“Then at least think about what I’ve said here today.”
She’d never heard Sebastian plead before, but that he did so now indicated just how worried he was about her. With a slow nod of her head, she met his concerned gaze steadily.
“Very well, I’ll think on everything you’ve said.” At her reply, her brother’s expression indicated he believed she was simply appeasing him. Louisa quickly walked forward to kiss his cheek and whispered. “I promise I will, Sebastian. I swear it on the Sword and Blood of Angus Stewart.”
The moment the childhood oath softly echoed out of her, her brother’s mouth quirked slightly upward. It was an oath she’d always extracted from Sebastian when he’d given his word to her, or when she’d agreed to do whatever her brother demanded of her in some matter. In making her pledge, she knew Sebastian would understand the significance of the promise she’d just made.
Sebastian wrapped her in a warm hug, and relief relaxed his stern expression as he released her. Without another word, she left him alone suddenly realizing she’d made up her mind more than a week ago that it was time to let go as well. She just wasn’t sure how to lift the weight of her guilt. She could only hope going to Callendar Abbey and riding on the moors would give her the answer.
§ § §
“You lied to me. You lied.”
“Sweet Jesus, I’m sorry, Louisa. I love you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare say that to me! If you’d loved me you wouldn’t have kept them a secret all this time,” she shouted angrily as the weight of his betrayal pressed down on her. “If you’d told me when we were first betrothed—married. I would have believed you. I would have admired you for what you were doing.”
“Damn it to hell, Louisa. Do you think I didn’t want to tell you? I would have, but I didn’t want to lose you.”
“Lose my dowry you mean,” she sneered. “You didn’t have any trouble telling me that your family fortunes were almost non-existent when you offered for my hand.”`
“I didn’t marry you for your money, and you damn well know it. I married you because I love you.” Devin glared at her.
“You don’t know the first thing about love! It requires trust, and you didn’t trust me enough—love me enough to tell me the truth. And you would have gone on hiding it from me if I hadn’t discovered your secret strictly by chance.”
“I am telling you the truth, Louisa. All I’ve done is ensure they’ve been well cared for—nothing more!” His jaw was hard with anger as he met her gaze.
“And now, after all this time, I’m supposed to believe you provided for them simply out of a sense of responsibility—duty?” she sneered. “Provided for them with my dowry. To think I believed you every time you said you were out late playing cards at the club. To think I let you touch me after you came home. Came home from her bed.”
“Christ almighty,” Devin roared. “She’s not my mistress.”
“A man who pays for the upkeep of a woman other than his wife is the very definition of a man who has a mistress.”
Enraged by his denial, Louisa picked up a container of perfume from her dresser and threw it at him. Devin ducked the missile targeted for his head. Instead, it hit the wall behind him and broke into small pieces while the liquid fragrance darkened the wallpaper. Furious she’d missed him, she grabbed a vase of flowers sitting on a nearby table. Water and flowers flew out of the ornamental jar to hit him in the face, blinding him to the trajectory of the vase. Triumph sped through her as the glass object hit him in the shoulder before it fell to the floor and shattered, His face hardening with fury Devin took a step forward then stopped.
“Enough, Louisa. Enough. We’ll discuss this in the morning when you’re calm and rational.”
“No. We won’t. You’ll be g
oing back to London to stay at your club. The boys and I will go to Callendar Abbey to stay with Aunt Matilda.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re my wife. I love you. I want you with me.” At his quiet rejection of her edict, she drew in a sharp hiss of air and shook her head.
“You are a liar. I wish I’d never married you,” she said in a voice devoid of emotion. “I wish you were dead so I wouldn’t have to endure the pain and humiliation of a divorce.”
At her icy reply, Devin paled, and he stared at her in stunned disbelief. He took another step toward her, but the moment she jumped back he flinched. Pain flashed across his face before his features became cold and unyielding.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” he said woodenly before he turned and walked through the short corridor that connected their rooms.
With a jerk, Louisa cried out in pain as she sat upright. Disoriented, she looked around her compartment half-expecting Devin to be kissing her hastily as he told her the house was on fire and ordered her out of the house. The clickety-clack of the train’s wheels against the railroad tracks slowly penetrated through the hazy mist of her jumbled thoughts as she realized she was the sole occupant of the compartment. A nightmare. It had only been a nightmare. She closed her eyes as guilt flooded her senses.
It had been almost three years since the fire and more than a year since the last time she’d dreamt about her argument with Devin that horrific night. Staring out the train carriage window, she leaned back into the seat cushions and exhaled the tension that had held her rigid since she’d awoken. Outside, the bleak, gloomy weather reminded her that in a few days it would be December.
As the train rolled along, she studied the scenery passing by. Scotland’s stark beauty had always given her a sense of peace and comfort. The serenity had been especially necessary when she’d retreated to Callendar Abbey shortly after losing Devin, and her brother Caleb, in the fire at Westbrook Farms.