by G. R. Lyons
He shut his eyes again and tried to picture it: Vic's cock inside him, thrusting up into him while Ryley held on, reveling in that fullness, that connection–
“Ryley–”
Ryley opened his eyes just long enough to bend down and kiss Vic into silence. The man was distracting him from his fantasy. He kissed Vic hard, his hands clamped on either side of Vic's head as he sped up his thrusts, frantically pounding into Vic's fist.
But it still wasn't enough.
“Vic,” he begged.
“No.” Vic let go of his own cock and tightened his hand around Ryley's instead.
“Baby, please. Just this once. Please.”
“You know I can't, Ry. I won't.”
“Vic,” Ryley whined, his eyes shut so tight that his temples ached as he sped up his thrusts, the headboard banging against the wall as his pace turned desperate. Gods, he was right there, right on the edge, but he couldn't come. It wasn't enough. He needed something more.
“Ry, seriously, look at this.”
Ryley growled. Yeah, the lights were flickering. So what? He couldn't care less about the fact that the lights tended to flicker whenever Ryley had sex. He was far more concerned with getting off, with finding that blessed release.
“Ry–”
“Fuck!” Ryley shouted. He pushed back, climbed off the bed, and stormed into the washroom, slamming the door shut behind him.
He flicked on the lights, and the bulbs instantly went way too bright, buzzing with the intensity of it. Ryley pressed his hands over his eyes.
Inhale, one. Exhale, two. Inhale, three–
He paced blindly right into the wall, his elbow connecting a moment before his cock did.
“Fuck!”
He tried again, standing still this time, pressing a hand to his chest while he focused on breathing.
Inhale, one. Exhale, two. Inhale, three.
His heart rate came back to normal as the weird pulse in his core faded, and Ryley lowered his hands with a sigh. The buzzing sound went away, and the lights stopped flaring, just flickering for a moment before they returned to a steady, normal illumination.
Ryley braced his hands on the sink and counted one more time for good measure. He couldn't lose control. Bad things happened when he lost control.
What bad things, he had no idea, or couldn't remember. Somehow, though, he knew it was true.
Ryley spat into the sink, trying to rid his mouth of a sudden coppery taste, but he didn't see any blood in his saliva. Weird. Maybe he just imagined it.
He breathed and counted once again, just to be sure.
* * *
WHEN RYLEY emerged from the washroom, he found Vic fully dressed again and the bed tidied up. It looked like nothing had happened.
Ryley paused, crossing his arms over his chest as he stood there, naked, facing Vic from across the room.
“Hey,” Vic said, eyeing him cautiously.
“Hey.”
Vic was quiet for a moment before he asked, “You alright?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
Vic nodded slowly. “Why did you storm off?”
Ryley dropped his arms to his sides. “Seriously?”
“What?”
“Seriously.”
Vic sighed. “Ryley, look, I know it was hardly the time to point out the lights, but it's almost the only time it happens–”
“You think I'm pissed about the lights?” Ryley yelled, then backed off for a moment when he felt himself getting riled up again. Inhale, one. He shook his head. “Vic, you know why.”
Vic frowned. “Ryley–”
“Just once, Vic,” Ryley pleaded. “Just once, I wish you would try fucking me. I want it, Vic. So bad. Why can't you just try?”
Vic stared at him, eyes wide, almost as though he didn't recognize Ryley. “You know why,” he gasped. “You're the only one outside my family who knows what happened, Ry. You know why I won't do it.”
Ryley sighed. “Vic, baby, that was over twelve years ago. Twelve years! And yeah, I'm sorry about what happened, but don't you think it's time to let it go?”
Vic's jaw dropped, and he didn't say anything for a long moment. Then he turned and stormed over to the closet, snatching out a set of clothes and an overnight bag, stuffing everything together before he stormed past Ryley to the washroom and gathered up his toiletries.
“Vic,” Ryley pleaded. “What are you doing?”
Vic didn't answer. Just kept packing in silence. Bag in hand, he walked out of the bedroom and headed for the front door.
Still naked, Ryley followed.
“Vic, baby, please. Where are you going?”
Vic paused at the door, his shoulders drooping as he sighed. “I'm gonna go get a room for the night.”
“Vic–”
“I need some space, Ry. I think we both do.”
Ryley darted after him, grabbing Vic's arm as he reached for the door. “Don't go. Baby, I'm sorry. Please, don't go.”
Vic gently shook off his hand. “I'll see you at work tomorrow.”
He opened the door and walked out, leaving Ryley standing there, staring after him.
Chapter 5
RYLEY MADE sure he got to work on time the next day, but headed slowly through the bullpen. He peeked around the last partition and saw Vic already at his desk, hard at work.
Inhale, one.
Ryley strode over to his own desk and set down his files. “Morning, Vic.”
Vic glanced at him. “Morning.” He turned back to his work.
Ryley watched him for a moment. “How are you?”
Vic shrugged. “Alright. Busy.”
Ryley nodded slowly. “Where'd you go last night?”
“A hotel.”
“Ah.” Ryley shifted his files around. Inhale, one. “I missed you,” he whispered.
Vic paused in the midst of typing something, then let out a sigh and turned to look at him. “I missed you, too.”
Ryley managed half a smile, which Vic slowly returned, then they broke eye contact at the same moment, both turning to their individual tasks for the morning.
Vic was just about caught up on his open cases, so he was researching the Arden kid, keeping Ryley in the loop and asking advice and questions when something occurred to him, something that might aid their search once they got to Erostil. As for Ryley, with his last death investigation now confirmed a homicide, and with his final reports turned in, all he had left were inheritance cases to work on. Boring, tedious paperwork. Updating clients' Wills for added or lost assets. Delegating the division of assets for the beneficiaries of people who had died. Rewriting contracts for people who wanted to change their heirs.
Gods, he couldn't wait to get to Erostil. A vacation and a search for human remains sounded a lot more exciting than all the stacks of paperwork in front of him.
Ryley glanced at Vic's desk, the man hard at work tracking down the details of what efforts had been made in the past to find the Arden kid. Considering how much time had passed, the chances of finding him alive were almost nonexistent. If all those searches had reached nothing but dead ends, it wasn't likely he and Vic would be able to find anything new, except perhaps finally tracking down the body. Still, at least that would be an answer for Mr. Arden, depressing though it might be.
At the end of the day, Ryley packed up his things and got ready to go home. He hesitated, standing beside his desk, when he saw Vic making no move to leave.
“You almost done?” Ryley asked.
Vic shook his head. “I'm gonna stay a bit longer.”
“Oh. Alright.” Ryley hesitated. “So I'll see you at home?”
Vic paused as he flipped through a file, then looked up at Ryley with a sigh. “I went by the house at lunch to get another change of clothes. I think I'm gonna stay at the hotel another night.”
Ryley's heart sank. “Vic–”
“I just need some time to think, Ry.”
Ryley deflated. “Alright,” he mumbled, then glanced
at Vic from under his eyelashes. “I love you.”
Vic hesitated before he said, “I love you, too.” He cleared his throat. “Have a good night.”
“You, too.” Ryley paused a moment longer, then walked away.
Vic actually did come home late that night, saying the hotel room felt too empty, and though they shared a bed, they might as well have been sleeping in separate cities. They didn't touch at all. Not so much as a kiss, to say nothing of spooning, let alone sex.
At least, until Ryley had a nightmare. Then Vic did hold him in the dark, murmuring soothing words until Ryley fell back asleep, but when Ryley woke again a couple hours later, Vic was back on the other side of the bed.
The next day, just when Ryley was nearly caught up with all his files, a whole slew of new ones came in, flooding his desk with death reports, bodies and scenes to examine, and complicated inheritance issues to untangle. He got so busy that even he didn't have the energy at the end of the day to try to woo Vic back to bed. Just when he needed all the time he could get to make sure his relationship didn't entirely fall apart, the world seemed to be conspiring against him, keeping him running so much that he could barely spare Vic a thought. With any luck, their upcoming trip would give them a chance to slow down and reconnect.
Not to mention, give him a chance to get laid. Ryley groaned at the thought. It felt like ages since he'd gotten off with anything other than his own hand, a rushed experience in the shower before collapsing into bed.
He got the occasional text from Athan, asking for a hookup, but between Ryley being swamped at work and Athan being busy with papers and final exams, they had yet to find a time when they were both free to get together.
Hells, Ryley couldn't even seem to get naked with the man who actually shared his bed. Having any chance of doing the same with a guy who lived several streets away was damned near impossible.
And, good gods, was he desperate for it.
Before Ryley knew it, there was less than a week left until they were scheduled to leave for Erostil. Traffic in town seemed almost doubled—Denmer University's fall term had ended, and the graduation ceremony was being held that day, bringing family and job scouts into town to see the seniors' final projects—only adding to the general sense of urgency. Ryley had to breathe and count to calm himself as he drove through town, going from the office to various scenes and back, fighting both car and pedestrian traffic all the way.
His phone beeped a notification as he pulled up to a stop. Ryley checked the screen. A text from Athan, saying school was over, and he was free, so was there any chance they could meet up?
Ryley sighed. Gods, he wanted to say yes. He squirmed at the thought of Athan's cock up his ass, right where he wanted it.
Before he could reply, traffic moved. Ryley tossed his phone aside and kept driving. He got back to the office and headed straight to his desk to write up the report for the body he'd just examined. It was an hour later before he finally got a few minutes to take a break and check his phone again.
With a sigh, he told Athan, Sorry, at the office. Can't get away.
He sent the message and set his phone down with another sigh. Ryley looked at the next file he had to work on, then glanced over at Vic's desk. His man was hard at work, never taking his eyes off his computer as he did some research for a domestic abuse case.
“Hey, Vic?”
Vic tore his eyes away from his screen and looked at Ryley.
Ryley hesitated, then asked, “Do you think we could have a date tonight?”
Vic's eyebrows went up. “A date?”
“Yeah. You know, like we used to do. Just…I don't know…go out to dinner or something–”
The corner of Vic's mouth pulled up into a half smile, though it didn't seem to reach his eyes. “Can't tonight. I've gotta get this case finished.” He waved at his computer.
Ryley nodded, trying not to let the disappointment show on his face. “Maybe tomorrow?” he suggested.
“Yeah, maybe.” Vic turned back to his files.
Ryley watched him for a moment, then snatched up his phone again. After work? He hint Send and waited, holding his breath.
He got an immediate response. Yes.
Ryley grinned to himself. See you ;)
He set his phone aside and opened his next file, diving right back into work, knowing he had a good night to look forward to if he could get everything done.
* * *
RYLEY AND Vic both clocked out late, having stayed behind awhile to wrap up some files. As Ryley gathered his things, he saw Vic stacking more files in his briefcase. Good gods, the man wasn't kidding about working that evening. Ryley sighed at the sight. Vic would probably be up late again, his work spread across the coffee table, leaving Ryley going to bed alone once more.
They drove home in their respective cars, Ryley pulling into the driveway right after Vic. They went inside, and while Vic headed straight for the couch without so much as loosening his tie, Ryley set his things on the messy dining table and then went to the bedroom, pulling off his slacks and dress shirt and changing into his favorite jeans—worn soft and torn at the knee—along with one of his many music-themed t-shirts, the front of this one reading: Here comes treble.
Grabbing his wallet and keys, Ryley headed for the front door.
“Going out?”
Ryley stopped and slowly turned. Vic hadn't even taken his eyes off his work to ask him the question, but when Ryley didn't immediately answer, Vic set down his pen and turned to look at him.
“Um, yeah,” Ryley said. “Just…you know…errands.”
Vic eyed him for a moment, neither moving nor saying anything. Then he let out a sigh. “Ryley, if you're going out to get laid, then I think we're done.”
Ryley blinked, staring at him dumbly. Holy shit. Vic had never come right out and said it. Never directly accused Ryley of cheating.
Then the second part of Vic's sentence hit him.
“Vic–” Oh gods, no. He sucked in a breath. Inhale, one. Exhale, two. Inhale–
Vic shook his head. “I know, Ryley. I've known for a while.” He let out a sigh. “And I'm tired of pretending it isn't happening. I'm just…tired. This–” He gestured at the two of them. “This hasn't been working. I thought it could, but…” He shook his head again.
“Vic–”
Vic breathed a laugh. “You gonna tell me it isn't happening?”
Ryley fidgeted. “No…” He inhaled sharply. “But Vic,” he blurted out, the words escaping before he could think about them, “I only did it because you wouldn't give me what I needed–”
Vic nodded slowly. “But you knew that would never be a part of our relationship, Ry. I told you that from the beginning. And you agreed. I made it very clear.”
Ryley darted forward. “Vic, please. I don't want us to be over.”
Vic slowly shook his head. “We've been over for a while, I think. I just wasn't ready to let go.”
Ryley felt something tense inside his core, and the overhead light flickered. “Vic, baby, please–” Inhale, one. Exhale, two. Inhale, three–
“I'm sorry, Ry. I can't give you what you want, and I'll never be able to. You know that.” He turned away and gathered up the files he'd just started to spread out on the table, putting them back into his briefcase, then stood and faced Ryley. “Go ahead and go out. I'll pack up my things. I should be gone by the time you get back.”
Ryley stared at him, his heart racing in his chest. The light flickered again, casting an eerie layer over the moment.
“Vic–” Inhale, one. Exhale, two.
Vic shook his head again. “I love you, Ry, but I can't do this anymore.” With that, he headed off to the bedroom, and Ryley peeked down the hallway, seeing Vic haul his suitcases out of the closet.
Ryley gasped out a breath and ran out the door. He stumbled to his car, needing to get away, unable to bear the sight of Vic packing up to leave him. He slid into the driver's seat and fumbled with his keys, trying to
get the car to start. The dashboard lights flickered, and no matter what he did, the car simply would not switch on. He tried a few more times, then finally threw the keys on the floor, got out of the car, slammed the door shut, and started walking instead.
Tears stung his eyes while he focused on just trying to breathe. It felt like his throat was closing up, robbing him of air, his pace only making it worse as he walked faster and faster, not even paying attention to where he was going. Ryley ran his hands through his hair, a few strands pulling free of the elastic band holding it all back. He scrubbed at his cheeks, trying to wipe the errant tears away.
When he looked up, he found himself on Athan's street. Ryley choked out a sob. Good gods, what the hells was wrong with him? Why was he there, of all places? It seemed a cruel trick that his legs took him in the direction of the very reason he and Vic had just broken up.
Unable to stop himself, Ryley walked up to Athan's door and knocked.
Ryley rubbed his eyes while he waited, and Athan himself answered the door.
“Athan,” he said, stifling a sob. “I…Um…” Oh, gods, I can't be here. I can't do this. Vic…Fuck. Ryley took a deep breath, squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then looked down, addressing his feet as he went on: “I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I just…I came by to tell you…Fuck, I don't know why I'm even here…”
Inhale, one. Exhale, two. Inhale, three.
Athan just stood there, not saying anything.
Ryley sucked in another breath and blurted out, “Vic just left me. Because of this. I just…I can't…”
He bit off a curse, shook his head, and turned away.
“Ryley–” Athan called.
Ryley whirled to face him. “It's over, Athan. I'm sorry, but I can't do this right now.”
With that, he hurried off, blindly walking the streets while he tried to keep the tears at bay. When he finally got back home, Vic's car wasn't in the driveway. His files weren't on the table. His clothes weren't in the closet. His toiletries weren't in the washroom.
It was like the man had never been there.
Ryley slumped back against the wall and sank to the floor.