Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  I’d try eating more later when I wasn’t surrounded by family. I had to. I had to gain weight. I needed to eat something.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Iggy

  It was a hot day, and I was glad to get home and strip out of my dress shirt and trousers. I had some time before I expected Arden to show up and had been racking my brain all morning trying to come up with something for us to do today. With the heat and humidity, most outdoor activities lost all appeal.

  I’d considered the movies or making use of the pool at my apartment complex—it was gorgeous and private, available only to residents of our building. I’d never swam in it before but had frequently sat outdoors sunning and reading on the deck in the lawn chairs.

  With that thought in mind, I texted Arden, knowing he was probably in the thick of brunch with his family and might not reply.

  Iggy: Bring a swimsuit with you. Pool and hot tub at my place. Just a thought.

  As I figured, I didn’t get an immediate response. I jumped in a cool shower and took my time washing and shaving. Once I was out and dressed in cargo shorts and a T-shirt, my phone pinged.

  Arden: Save me! This is a nightmare. Not sure about swimming. We’ll see. Shouldn’t b 2 long here.

  I pondered his response while I tidied up my apartment and waited for him to arrive. In lieu of swimming, I checked the Sunday listings for shows at the theater. We’d talked a bit about our movie likes and dislikes, and there were definitely a number of possibilities.

  Forty minutes later, there was a knock at my door and a half a beat after that—before I could make it across the room to answer it—Phoenix pushed through with a wide grin on his face and Arden in a headlock, dragging behind him.

  “Delivery. You sure you want this little shit? He’s been nothing but a problem today.”

  Arden was red in the face, scowling and squirming in Phoenix’s hold. Phoenix released him, laughing, and Arden body checked him before straightening himself, the color slowly draining back to his usual milky paleness. “You’re such a dick. I fucking hate you.”

  “You’re welcome for the ride. Hey,” Phoenix turned to me, “Thursday night. Poker. Bring Mickey. I got a few other guys from work coming too.”

  I couldn’t help grinning at Arden from the corner of my eye while considering Phoenix’s proposal. He continued scowling as he fixed his hair. “I can probably manage that. Mickey will be happy to have something to do.”

  “Excellent. No significant others allowed.” Phoenix tipped his chin at Arden which only intensified the look of death aimed back at him.

  “Like I’d want to play poker with you. You can leave now.”

  “Behave.” Phoenix nudged Arden hard enough he stumbled. If he didn’t have a shit-eating grin on his face, I might have taken issue with his rough handling. Phoenix turned to me with a sly smirk and pointed a finger at my face. “And you. I may not like him very much, but he is my brother. You behave, too, or I’ll fuck you up.”

  “Yeah, yeah, get out, asshole, before you see shit you don’t want to see.”

  Chuckling, Phoenix backed out the door. “Thursday.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  I closed the door and turned to Arden who was still a little flush. “Well that was humiliating,” he mumbled.

  “Never mind. He feels the need to show off. It’s more for my benefit than anything. He’s rubbing in the fact that I am interested in his baby brother.”

  Arden barely contained an eye roll. “I’m not a baby. Just because I look sixteen doesn’t mean I am. I’ll be twenty-one in October. Why does everyone insist on treating me like a child.”

  I clasped his hand and dragged him into my arms, rocking our bodies together as I peered down into his crystal blues. “Believe me, I have zero intention of treating you like a child. What was your decision on swimming?”

  I nipped his lips and encouraged him into the apartment.

  Arden dropped his backpack on the ground beside the couch before plopping down on a cushion. “I don’t know. I’m just a little self-conscious about my body. People don’t need to see that.”

  I frowned and sat beside him, resting a hand on his thigh and slowly dragged my thumb in a sensual motion up and down. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I think you’re gorgeous.”

  Arden shrugged, ducking his head, but he didn’t pull away from the contact. “You’ve never seen me naked.”

  I leaned in and nudged his cheek with my nose until he lifted his head. I couldn’t help smiling at his scowl. “I’d love to see you naked some time.” I kissed him lightly, a barely there peck on his frown, stealing a simple reminder of his soft lips before pulling back. He didn’t resist, and I watched the edge of his mouth turn up before he fought off the smile.

  “But if swimming bothers you,” I continued. “I thought we could go to the movies or something.”

  Arden peered up from under long lashes and zeroed in on my mouth. He licked his lips once before nodding. “Sure. Let’s do that. Maybe we can swim later. Let me adjust to the idea. If it’s just us, I might be okay.”

  I knew come evening the pool would be quieter. I didn’t know how long Arden planned to stay, so I held onto that possibility. I hoped he’d stay longer. We’d had few opportunities to be all alone, and I’d been looking forward to a little more privacy tonight.

  Sitting back, I found my phone and showed him the movie listings I’d pulled up earlier. “See anything you like?”

  He leaned heavily against my side as we scanned options, his gaze flitting to my mouth a few more times when he thought I wasn’t looking. I grinned, reading his mind. He seemed to enjoy kissing as much as I did.

  “How about this one,” he said, pointing at my phone screen.

  “Sure.” I didn’t look. I didn’t much care.

  Leaning in, I kissed him again. He sighed against my mouth like our connection finally gave him the oxygen he was sorely lacking.

  Fuck, I loved his mouth. Those lips. His taste. The hint of sunshine and lavender wafting off his skin.

  Finally tearing away, I made myself look at what movie he’d chosen. If we wanted to catch it before it started, we needed to get going.

  I pecked his lips one more time and grinned when his body went lax against mine.

  “More later?” I asked.

  “Yes. Please,” he practically moaned.

  Arden had selected a newly released comedy. Once we had our tickets, we paused by the snack bar, and I glanced down at my date. Arden’s nose curled and he snapped his head back and forth, telling me no, almost recoiling from the stand. I took his hand and steered him toward our cinema instead, not the least bit surprised.

  We found seats at the back, away from other movie-goers. Arden immediately lifted the armrest between us and shuffled over as close as possible. I draped an arm around his slender shoulders, holding him in place. I couldn’t help running my nose along his feathery hair and inhaling his sweet scent.

  I bit my tongue when I almost told him to just sit on my lap because I wanted to be just that close.

  Throughout the entire movie, he remained glued to my side, and I was okay with that. It was enough. Feeling him laugh against me as he buried his face in my neck only made me smile more. The musical sound of his laughter melted my heart. It was so pure and happy.

  Once again, I was struck by how completely contrary Arden was from the man Phoenix would have had me believe. The Arden in my arms was slowly wrapping himself around my heart. I knew I was in danger of falling for him. It happened so easily with me. I trusted openly and freely. I put my heart on the line more times than I should. But, something about Arden felt different.

  Not once since we’d grown the small bond had I felt overwhelmed. Not once had I needed to stop and talk myself into a calmer mindset.

  Arden’s presence in my life had somehow reminded me to breathe.

  It was after four when the movie ended, and we wandered out into the hot afternoon sun. Arden ti
lted his face to the sky and breathed deeply as we walked to my car hand in hand. His fingers were like icicles against my much warmer skin.

  “God that feels good. It was so cold in there. Why does air conditioning have to be set to such ungodly frigid temperatures?”

  I chuckled and took his small hands between mine, rubbing warmth back into them. “We could lie out by the pool in the sun if you’d like. We don’t have to swim. Just soak up some heat until you warm up.”

  He side-eyed me, his eyes shone with contentment, the blues of his irises almost iridescent in the sun. “We could do that.”

  I drove us back to my apartment, and while Arden changed in the bathroom, I dug two water bottles out of the fridge. My thoughts turned to dinner, and I wondered what I could offer Arden to eat that he might find acceptable. Broaching the topic might cause him to withdraw, and the last thing I wanted to do was make our day uncomfortable, so I held off.

  Maybe after we enjoyed some pool time, I’d strum up the courage to inquire.

  Arden emerged from the washroom in a pair of swim trunks at least two sizes too big. They hung to his knees and only stayed up because he’d tied them tight around his waist with the strings hanging long in front. This was the most undressed I’d seen him since we’d become reacquainted.

  He wore a baggy T-shirt, but his stick-thin arms and knobby elbows poked out from the wide sleeves. His legs weren’t much better, and his kneecaps shook with cold as he hugged his body, teeth chattering.

  Fuck, he was too skinny.

  Even hiding behind too big clothes, his small frame was more than evident. Taking him all in, it was apparent he was extremely self-conscious about his appearance. The way his arms circled his torso. The way he couldn’t meet my eyes. The way he rocked on his feet as though looking for the most inconspicuous way to stand that might make him invisible.

  “It’s really cold in here.”

  “Give me a quick second to change, and we can go find the sun.”

  As I went to shimmy past him in the hallway, I rested a hand on his hip and pulled him against my side, tipping his chin up so he’d look me in the eye.

  “I think you’re fucking gorgeous, so whatever is going through your head right now making you think you need to hide, forget it, okay?”

  I nipped his lips, lingered and took note of the way his eyes dilated as we watched one another. Those long lashes blinked over sparkling blue eyes. So beautiful. So gorgeous. I wish he could see it.

  Breaking the connection, I moved down the hall to my bedroom before I couldn’t stop. All I wanted to do was touch him and kiss him and learn him in a physical way, but I also didn’t want to rush.

  There were about six other people using the pool and hot tub when we got outside. The area was designed as a perfect little private haven. The high fence, trees, and carefully manicured gardens made it feel peaceful and serene. It was also secluded from the public eye.

  We selected a pair of lounge chairs on the far side near the deeper part of the kidney-shaped pool and dropped our towels on their surface before lying down. Arden’s fair skin burned easily, so he took a minute to coat himself in the sunscreen I’d dug up that thankfully wasn’t expired.

  He refused to remove his shirt and repeatedly tugged at his shorts, trying to cover as much of his legs as possible. Again, I didn’t draw attention to his discomfort.

  For a long time, neither of us spoke. I watched a few people I recognized from my building as they horsed around in the pool, splashing and chasing one another. They were a young couple from the first floor who’d moved in a year ago.

  Arden soaked in the sun with a look of contentment. He was no longer shivering.

  “Are you warmer?” I asked.

  “Much better.” Arden rolled to his belly and laid his head down on his folded arms, facing me. “The sun likes you,” he said. “It makes your skin shine like bronze.”

  I smiled at the compliment, admiring the way his hair glowed almost platinum in the bright day. We lay and chatted, absorbing the heat for another hour before I couldn’t stand it anymore. Beads of sweat bloomed over my exposed skin. I was too hot.

  “I’ve gotta get wet, or I’ll melt. Join me?”

  Arden lifted his head and glanced around the deck and pool area. Only two other people were around—a mother and child—and they seemed to be packing up to head inside.

  “Leave your shirt on if you want.”

  He hesitated, his forehead creased before he nodded and flipped around to sit on the lounger. I stood and stretched. Sweat trickled down between my shoulder blades and followed a trail along my spine. It dampened my hairline and neck and gathered between my pecs. The pool would be refreshing.

  Arden moved sloth-like, unsure or perhaps undecided. Once he was fully sitting, he remained that way for a minute, head hanging and eyes closed. His body listed to the side, but he caught himself. When he opened his eyes, he shuffled carefully to the edge of the lounger. I offered him a hand, and he took it. When he stood, his grip tightened, and he rocked on his feet, unsteady.

  “You okay?”

  He blew out a breath and rattled his head. “Yeah. I’m good. It’s nothing.”

  At the pool’s edge, I released Arden’s hand and grinned. “Meet you in the water.” Then I cannonballed out as far as I could, hitting the center of the deeper section and going under. There was no part of the pool that was over my head. At its deepest, the water came to my chin when I stood on my toes. It wasn’t cold, but against my overheated flesh, it sure felt that way at first.

  The sudden blast was refreshing, and when I broke through the surface, taking a breath, I groaned. “God that feels good.”

  I wiped water from my eyes and found Arden at the pool’s edge, dunking the big toe of one foot in the water.

  “It feels cold.”

  “Only at first. It’s not that bad.”

  He glanced around the pool area. We were alone now. Arden took a minute, seemingly having an internal debate with himself before deciding to remove his T-shirt.

  Arden was a naturally small person. He was short and fine-boned. One of those people who would never carry extra weight and was notoriously delicate in appearance. His skin was so pale it was nearly translucent. Tiny blue veins showed in areas along his arms and near his shoulders.

  I loved the idea of how our bodies contrasted one another so drastically. My larger frame carried far more definition and muscle, especially when against his small, lithe build. My darker skin tone versus his milky complexion, and my six feet of height compared to his five and a half foot frame.

  However, there was absolutely no denying the unhealthy gauntness he hid behind clothes. What I saw when he stripped to his swim trunks wasn’t a natural slimness, it was the image of a man who was starving himself to death. A shot of worry skated over my skin as I took him in.

  I kept my face neutral but noted every protruding bone and every concave dip where he should have carried some weight. I’d bet my life savings he didn’t weigh a hundred pounds.

  He covered his body protectively as he sat on the edge of the pool and dangled his feet in the water.

  He wouldn’t look at me.

  Those alarm bells rang again.

  Louder and more incessantly.

  Echoing inside my head.

  Screaming at me to pay attention because there was something I wasn’t reading right. There was something I was missing.

  I bit the inside of my cheek to kill any reaction when he finally braved glancing up and met my eyes.

  “It’s awful, I know,” he whispered. “You can barely stand to look at me.” His cheeks blazed crimson, and he ducked his head again.

  I pushed through the water, swimming over toward him and placed myself between his legs. Peering up into his pale blue eyes, I ran my hands along his calves. “Stop it. You’re beautiful, Arden.”

  “Bones sticking out isn’t beautiful. Who are you kidding? Not me.”

  I wrapped an arm around
his lower body and dragged him into the water before he could protest. He squealed and automatically wrapped his legs around me the second his body was submerged. His negative commentary vanished with the assault.

  “Oh crap. That’s fucking freezing. What are you doing?”

  He clung like a monkey, burying his face in my neck as he laughed. In a flash, his self-hatred evaporated, and I was able to push my own concerns into the background.

  For now.

  Over the following hour, we swam and chased each other around the pool. Always touching, stealing multiple kisses and lingering looks that held deeper wants and more powerful needs. Arden remained mindful of keeping his smiles hidden, but his joy radiated from his core.

  Arden swam up behind me and climbed onto my back, hooking his legs around my waist and leaning against my shoulder. His shivers vibrated through his body in into mine, even his teeth clacked together. His lips were icy as he planted open-mouthed kisses up my neck and along my ear.

  I swung him around so he was glued to my front instead and in a flash we were lip-locked, our hands wandering, touching, and testing limits. The more we remained glued together, the more responsive my body became until I was certain he must feel it.

  When I pulled off his mouth for air, I noticed how blue his lips were and the incessant chatter that wouldn’t stop.

  “Well, shit! You’re turning blue. Why don’t you go into the hot tub and warm up a bit before you freeze to death.”

  He attacked my mouth again in response, but it was brief when he shuttered with a bone-deep chill.

  “Go!”

  “Okay, okay. Come with me?”

  “Sure.”

  I carried him toward the stairs, unable to hold myself back from claiming his mouth over and over again. He was addicting, and I was convinced the only thing stopping us from taking things a step further was that we were in public.

  My mind was already envisioning nasty things, like lying him on the deck in the warm sun, tasting his flesh and claiming his body.

  But I made myself behave. For now. I wasn’t a Neanderthal. I had self-control, even though Arden’s presence made my brain stutter and forget itself.