Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  Arden groaned into the kiss, hitching his hips up and grinding us together. My arousal was taking over, but before the fire between us rose too high, I forced us apart.

  “Please,” he begged.

  “You just got out of the hospital,” I said when his bottom lip jutted out in a pout. “Your heart—”

  “Is the strongest it’s been thanks to the meds. Iggy, I need you. I want this.”

  “I want it too. Believe me, but I’m sure Phoenix would rather we take this to my place and not get kinky in his spare room.”

  Arden glanced at the door. “Yeah, I’d never hear the end of it, would I?”

  “No, and neither would I. How are you feeling?” I asked.

  Arden rattled his head and met my gaze. “Better if I don’t think about it. Otherwise, I get myself in a knot and puke.”

  “How about a little outing? Nothing strenuous but I’m sure you feel cooped up after all that time in a hospital.”

  “Please!”

  I bent and took his mouth again, unable to resist. We kissed lazily for another minute before I pulled away—much to his vocal displeasure—and tugged him off the bed, linking our fingers.

  “Where are we going?” he asked.

  “First, I need to run home, shower and change. Then, someplace we can just relax and breathe fresh air. Come on.”

  We ended up at the waterfront near the fish hatchery. As a kid, I remembered my dad bringing me there on hot summer days. It wasn’t that I was particularly interested in the process of salmon breeding, but there was a public-accessible area where you could buy fish pellets and feed the fish.

  I’d always thought it was fun watching the schools going crazy over a few nips of food.

  Arden seemed intrigued. We fed quarters into the machine and filled our hands with fish food before settling on a bench close to their pool and tossing pellets into the water a bit at a time. The large salmon surfaced, battled for the best pieces, and splashed in the water.

  The sun beat its warm rays down on us, and seagulls squawked overhead. It was a perfect summer day.

  Arden leaned against my side, mesmerized by the fish as he launched a few pieces at a time at the gathered groupings, chuckling when they caused a stir.

  “Will you be okay at Phoenix’s house?” I asked.

  He shrugged and tipped his head up, containing a smile but showing his happiness with his eyes. “He’s a hard-ass, but he’s been good. He doesn’t make fun of me anymore. I think he gets it. Plus, he went toe to toe with Dad last night. I never thought I’d see a day my brother would stand up for me like that.”

  “He’s not a bad guy. I told you.”

  “I’m not sure my relationship with my parents will ever be the same now. It was one thing to hear me say I’m gay and another to actually see I have a boyfriend. I can tell Dad hates me just by the way he looks at me.”

  “I’m sure he doesn’t hate you.”

  There was a hint of defeat in Arden’s tone. And disappointment. As unaffected and strong as he tried to act, not having his parents’ support killed him. I tugged him closer, kissing the top of his head.

  I hated how black and white they saw the world. They’d allowed their religion to dictate their lives, and in the process, they were losing their own son. It was sad.

  “Maybe they’ll come around.” I wasn’t sure I believed my own attempt at comfort.

  “Maybe.”

  “I told my ma about us last night,” I said, hoping he might find solace in knowing he could form a family with me. “She said you should come for dinner sometime. I didn’t explain the whole food thing, but I told her I’d keep her posted.”

  “That’s a nice offer. I want to but…”

  “I know. Give it time. You’ll get there. Life will straighten out, you’ll see.”

  Arden got up and rooted through his pocket, pulling out more change and heading to the feed machine. He filled his hand again and stood by the water’s edge as he tossed the pieces in one at a time, humored by the frantic battle going on just under the surface.

  “I go back to work next week,” he said when his palm was empty. “Matilda was thrilled. She said it’s been a crazy summer without me there.”

  “That’s great!”

  “Yeah. I’m excited. She… I told her everything. The truth, and she is extending my dinner break to make sure I have plenty of time to eat properly. I told her it takes forever to get anything in me but that eating full meals is my priority now. I can’t cut corners.”

  I joined him by the water’s edge, our shoulders brushing together. “That’s really good. I’m glad she’s understanding.”

  “I’m so behind on my fashion show project. I should have started already. I need to put extra time into it now. I already bought all the material so I can’t let it go to waste.”

  “You’ll get it done.”

  “Will you come to the show?”

  “When is it?”

  “Not until the first week of November. Bryn’s gonna be my model. I’m making the Stargazer gown I drew that night.”

  “Really? Damn, I can’t wait to see it. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  We stood in silence for a long time, fish watching and just absorbing the connection we shared. After a while, I threaded our fingers together, and we walked along the boardwalk as the sun set.

  Back at Phoenix’s, Arden and I hung out and watched a movie with him and Carrie before excusing ourselves to Arden’s room. The budding heat between us was hard to ignore as we stood a few feet apart, staring at each other, words unspoken.

  “I should probably go,” I said, eyeing the bed, my heart slamming against my ribs.

  “Don’t. Stay.”

  “Arden…”

  “Please. Phoenix won’t care, and I… I want to sleep beside you. In a proper bed, not a hospital bed. We don’t have to…” He trailed off, drawing his bottom lip in his teeth.

  I wasn’t sure I could say yes and keep my hands off him. Based on the look in his eyes, he knew it too. We’d had limited time to explore this between us and a night in bed with him would only lead to more.

  And God I wanted it.

  I reached behind me, locked the door, and killed the lights, leaving the room in shadows. The faint light of the moon coming in the window highlighted Arden’s face and glowed off his hair making it silver.

  His gaze never left mine as I stalked forward, grasping his waist and yanking him toward me. The weight of his small body against me was exactly perfect. I rested our foreheads together and studied the want in his eyes. Want that matched my own.

  “Sleeping beside you will never be enough.”

  “Good, I was hoping you’d see it my way.”

  I crushed our mouths together, seeking his tongue and moaning as they laced and tangoed. Arden’s small hands went under my shirt, and he hiked it up and off before dropping it on the floor.

  I did the same with his before urging him back onto the bed. We shifted the sheet down and climbed in together, our mouths barely parting. Our pants were left behind next. In only underwear, we slid our bodies together, touching and exploring skin. His was cool to the touch, as always, and for the first time, he didn’t flinch away when I grazed knuckles up his side, skimming over ribs and sliding my palm back down over his abdomen.

  Yes, he was tiny and desperately needed to gain some weight, but he was beautiful, and I couldn’t stop touching him. I tugged him closer, pressed my hips forward, seeking friction on my solid erection. Meeting his thigh, I thrust against him, groaning into his mouth as I lapped at his tongue.

  He stilled and pulled back, breath panting along my chin.

  “What’s wrong?” I whispered.

  “I’m sorry. It… God, this is embarrassing.”

  “What? Talk to me.” I cupped his cheek and searched his eyes in the dark, unsure of what was going on.

  “It’s not you. Trust me, I’m so excited about this. I want this. The doctor said…”
/>   “Said what? What are you talking about?” I asked when he stalled.

  He buried his face against my chest and clasped my wrist, guiding my hand down. When he pressed my fingers against the still soft mound in his underwear, I understood.

  “My testosterone levels are wacked, too. Along with everything else.” His voice muffled against my chest. “It will happen. I can get hard, but it takes a bit more effort. It’s not you. Please don’t be offended. I swear it.”

  I pulled his head up, ignoring his resistance. “I hadn’t even noticed yet. But I did last time before you went into the hospital.”

  “I’m completely humiliated.”

  I made friction over his soft penis and studied his face. “Don’t be. Maybe I just need to kick up my game and remind your body what to do.”

  “Isn’t this a complete turn off?” he asked.

  “Not at all.”

  I rolled him to his back and worked his underwear down. He buried his face in his hands and whimpered. “I hate myself. I’m so, so sorry.”

  Ignoring him, I licked a trail down his body, swirling my tongue along his navel and nipping at the sharp edges of his hip bones. He twitched under the assault and his dick thickened with delayed interest.

  Skimming my fingers through the faint bit of hair just under his navel, I nuzzled the crease of his thigh and kissed beside his slow-growing erection, inhaling the musky, pure scent of him and reveling in the experience.

  As his arousal turned into a semi, I paid it more attention, licking a strip to the tip and circling his head.

  “That feels so good,” he groaned, squirming, asking for more.

  I smiled and traveled down the other side of his length, fondling his balls in my palm and drawing gorgeous sounds from deep in his throat. Before long, he was arching off the bed and begging me to take him into my mouth.

  He wasn’t fully hard, but I sucked him down and worked him root to tip with my lips and tongue. In time, he was as hard as I was, grasping my head, stroking fingers over my shorn hair and shoving me down whenever I came up for air.

  “Iggy,” he begged.

  I kept up the assault, licking, sucking, and teasing, making him writhe. I nudged his thighs up higher, encouraging him to hold behind his knees while I tongued each of his balls as well. I wet a finger and toyed with his hole while sucking him down my throat again.

  “Oh, God, please.”

  I sank the digit inside a little at a time. When I found his prostate, he cried out before his eyes popped open and he slapped a hand over his mouth and shot a panicked look at the door.

  I chuckled, peering up at him. “Now you’ve done it. We’ll both be in shit tomorrow.”

  Arden’s smile shone through the dark room, and my heart swelled when he didn’t try to hide it. “Keep going,” he urged, gliding fingers over my scalp.

  I worked his ass with a finger and took him deep into my throat. Arden’s blissed-out expression was enough to make my own dick throb.

  His fingers dug deeper as his pleasure mounted, and he hissed my name two seconds before his orgasm hit and he filled my mouth.

  I took him through every wave, mindful of what happened last time and watched for any signs he wasn’t okay.

  When he collapsed back on the pillow, panting and blinking at the ceiling, I crawled up the bed and hovered over him.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  He met my gaze and smiled his crooked half-smile. The light in his eyes was breathtaking. “I’m amazing.”

  We kissed, and Arden reached between us, stroking me through to my own orgasm. I knew without being told that oral was probably a line he couldn’t cross. I melted against his body, riding each wave as he took me all the way to the end, my face buried in the crook of his neck. His scent was overpowering. Sunshine and lavender. My new favorite smells.

  After, we cleaned up and curled around each other to sleep. My ear rested against his chest where I could listen to the soft beating of his heart. It calmed me in a way I couldn’t describe. Reassured me he was okay.

  Arden played with my short hair until sleep took him. I followed soon after, sated and happier than I’d been in years.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Arden

  It took every ounce of strength and willpower I had to keep myself on track after leaving the hospital. I returned to a chaotic work schedule and stayed later each night to start my fall fashion show project. There were no new foods introduced into my diet yet, but I had worked my way up to consuming a bottle of Ensure with every meal. That was seven hundred and fifty calories more than ever before. Plus vitamins and minerals.

  The all-encompassing fear had subsided, and surprisingly, Ensure had earned a spot among my trusted foods. It was a huge step, and I was thrilled—except when I considered that it also meant it was nearly time to bring more food into my diet.

  Panic rose whenever I thought about it. So I didn’t.

  A guy at Iggy’s work took ill a few weeks back, and Iggy was moved to midnight shift which completely screwed up our time together and unbalanced a major part of my support system. I missed him like crazy. Our time together was significantly less, but we’d done our best stealing moments here and there.

  We texted constantly.

  Thankfully, Phoenix stepped up in Iggy’s absence, battling my phobia along with me. He was a pillar of strength at every meal. No snide comments and no teasing. He grounded me, held me when I cried, and offered a firm hand when I tried to be difficult and give up.

  My appointments with Dr. Kelby were ongoing. We met twice a week since my health was still at risk. She helped me face my fears and taught me coping mechanisms that worked fairly well. She didn’t push too hard but also made sure I didn’t slide backward.

  August was winding down and my final year of college started the following week. I checked my phone, anticipating a text from Bryn since she was supposed to meet me at the shop that night so I could measure her and get an accurate fit for the gown I was making. She was late.

  All month she’d been quieter and more absent than usual. Something was up, but I’d been too absorbed in my own issues to have any kind of talk with her. I wondered if it had anything to do with her new boyfriend. Relationships had a tendency to be all-encompassing in the beginning.

  At ten, I gave up waiting and locked up the store for the night. I took a late bus back to Phoenix’s and snuck in, tiptoeing to my bedroom since the house was dark and quiet. There was a light under my brother’s bedroom door, so I assumed he and Carrie had escaped for some privacy since I was all up in their business now that I lived there.

  I collapsed on my bed and tugged my phone from my pocket. There was a text from Iggy, and I smiled. He was at work, so I was shocked to hear from him. Ordinarily, he didn’t keep his phone on.

  Iggy: I have good news!

  I typed back, eager to hear from him.

  Arden: Tell me!

  It took him ten minutes to reply, so I got undressed and crawled under the covers, wishing he was there to warm me up.

  Iggy: Alex is back at work next week. I’ll be back on days.

  Arden: Does that mean I can finally sneak over to your house and sleep beside you at night?

  Iggy: I hope so. I don’t see enough of you. I’ve missed you.

  Before I could respond, he messaged again.

  Iggy: Shit. gtg. See you on Saturday?

  Arden: Can’t wait.

  I was sitting at Iggy’s doorstep on Saturday morning when he got home from his night shift. It was just after seven a.m. and his feet dragged as he walked down the hall to his apartment, but when his eyes landed on me, his face broke into a beaming smile.

  “Hey. What are you doing here so early?”

  I picked myself up off the floor to greet him. “Are you kidding? I didn’t sleep a wink last night.”

  He fell into my arms, cupping my face as he devoured my mouth. I stumbled backward, clattering into the wall as his much larger frame swallowed me
up and caged me in. His solid weight pressing into me felt warm and safe.

  Iggy broke from my mouth and sighed. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “No more night shift?”

  “No more night shift,” he confirmed.

  He subtly adjusted himself with a smirk and dug his keys out of his pocket. After he unlocked the door and dragged me inside, he noticed the time and cocked a brow. “Have you eaten breakfast?”

  My cheeks flushed, and I shook my head. “I was too eager to see you.”

  Iggy grabbed my hand and pulled me toward his kitchen. “Food first. Iggy next.”

  I laughed, ducking my head before he caught my chin and held my face so he could see me. “Don’t hide that smile,” he said.

  “You sound like Phoenix. Every day he uses you as my reward for eating. It’s ridiculous.”

  Iggy laughed. “He does?”

  “Yes. It’s all, ‘eat, or you aren’t allow to text Iggy.’ Or, ‘eat, or I’ll tell him not to come by your work today.’ He’s such a pain in the ass.”

  “That’s because he’s making sure you stay on track.”

  “I know. And it works. You’re a surprisingly good incentive.”

  “So food first, me second. Toast and an apple, right?”

  Technically, yes, but…

  I eyed the loaf of bread on Iggy’s counter and swallowed the rising panic. It wasn’t the same brand I bought. Plus, it was whole wheat and not white bread. Iggy caught the spike of adrenaline when it washed over me and puzzled out what had caused it without being told.

  “Are you willing to try?” he asked. “You said Dr. Kelby was going to push for you to make more attempts come next week.”

  “Yeah but—”

  “Wouldn’t it be amazing if you went to see her and told her you did it on your own?”

  I blew out my cheeks and shuffled between feet, considering. “Just the toast?”

  “How about toast with jam on it?”

  My eyes widened and skin prickled. Iggy caught my hand and dragged me into his arms. “I’ll fight this with you. You know I will. If you fall apart, I’ll put you together again. Every time. I have nowhere to be today except here with you. What do you say?”