From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem

by Cathy Gaitan

  No way am I telling Mary ditto my suspicions. If Julia finds out she’ll probably try to put my baby down. I say try because Lumina would not go out without a good fight and I guarantee she is not mediocre at combat.

  Pink must suspect Lumina as well because he looked right at me and said it was strange. Then he told them he’d heard the same thing had happened to another man’s dog. When they asked him who it was he said he didn’t remember the man’s name. Pink never forgets names. Never!

  I’m going to need to have a long talk with Lumina. She can’t keep doing this. Mary Mary says Jasper keeps trying to leave the house. I’m pretty sure I know where he wants to go. His Queen probably has duties she wants him complete.

  May 15, 2017

  Pinkerton has gotten really good at shooting. He showed up at the firing range last night. I think he came to prove he’s better than me because I was slightly obnoxious about the kill shot I scored a couple of days ago. I shoved that target in front of his face like a trophy. Then I posted it to my front door but that was just to scare off possible burglars. Really!

  Anyway, not all Pink’s shots are kill shots but he hits the bullseye more than he misses. Oh, and he always hits the target now. Every shot is at least a body shot. Which is more than I can say for myself.

  My theory about aiming and jerking right didn’t work out for me. Titus is now calling my one kill shot a ‘fluke’ which it was, but still, it hurts my feelings pride. He is no longer one of my favorite Zombies. I mean I don’t have favorite Zombies. Just Zombies I know and Zombies I know better like Pink. That doesn’t mean Pink is my favorite. It just means I know him better than anyone else.

  Whatever, Pink’s great at shooting now and I am less so. I’m beginning to think it because Julia is a better teacher than Titus. Yep, that must be it. I need to find a way to get Julia on board with training me.

  I must think on this.

  May 16, 2017

  I shot Titus in the foot today. I know what you’re thinking but don’t worry this time it wasn’t accidental. It was all part of my new master plan. The shot wasn’t in any way a danger to him. Painful? Maybe a little bit but he’s tough he can take it.

  I called Julia to come tend to him. Okay, I may have called her before I shot him but I already knew what I was going to do. Why delay?

  Titus was pretty angry. He whined about how he could have lost a toe but I calmly explained why that was impossible. He wears steal toe training boots. No way would he have lost a toe. See? I’m always thinking.

  When Julia arrived Titus changed his tune. Suddenly he was blowing it off as barely a scratch. He hardly felt a thing. I guess he doesn’t want Julia to think he’s weak. Good plan for him and even better for me!

  Once I explained to Julia how Titus risked himself to teach me the fine ‘art’ of shooting she fell right in line. She said if I wanted to learn to shoot so badly she would train me but I have to listen to everything she says and follow her directions exactly. Of course I said yes and I meant it mostly. I’d follow her directions depending on what they were.

  I guess they were right. Strategic missions are totally my thing! My mission was to have Julia teach me and I strategically planned to make it happen.

  May 17, 2017

  I think I may have outsmarted myself. After having some time to think Julia Caesar came to the realization that I was the one who shot Titus in the chest. I guess I overlooked an important detail.

  The good news is Julia did not take back her offer to train me. The bad news is she challenged me to a combat battle with weapons. Yikes!

  I admit it, I was shaking in my boots. I mean that literally. I could barely stand. This was partly because Pink had shoved so much armor on me the weight almost took me down. The other part was because my legs had turned to rubber. I swear I saw my bloody death reflected in her eyes. Sure she was wearing sunglasses but still, it was there.

  She chose knives. Knives! I bit my tongue because my teeth were chattering so bad. I dropped my knife twice before we even started. I know I looked pathetic but Julia didn’t. She looked like every female superhero I’ve seen or read about. Damn her for blinding me with her awesomeness!!

  Out of the blue I remembered I was wearing my beautiful but cursed green running shoes. I wanted to kick them off and toss them away. All I could think about was how my ultimate failure came while wearing those darn shoes. Why had I not burned them?

  I tried to hold a fight stance but I know it wasn’t good. When Julia lunged at me I jumped back. I started to circle around her until I was finally running. I was literally running circles around her. It’s ridiculous, I admit, but I couldn’t stop. Pink started to laugh and I couldn’t help it I did too. That is until Julia tripped me.

  She swung her knife at me but it slid off my armor. I reached out to stop my fall and ended up with my knife embedded in her thigh. When she hissed I screamed and I think I fainted because the next thing I remember was Pink leaning over me saying, “You looked pathetic but who cares? A wins a win!”

  Today I defeated a Zombie superhero! k'12

  May 18, 2017

  Julia kept her word but she refused to do my firearm training at the same time as the others. She said she wanted to avoid further ‘accidental’ shootings. I almost told her the third time I shot Titus was on purpose but I figured that wouldn’t go over too well. I survived one combat battle with her. I doubt I’d survive a second.

  One thing about Julia is she has a lot of rules. I’m not allowed to lift my weapon until she tells me. I’m not allowed to fire my weapon until she tells me. I’m not allowed to lower my weapon until she tells me. She’s kind of a control freak but I’ve got to admit her method works. I didn’t shoot her thank goodness! The best part is by the time we left I was at least hitting the corner of the target.

  It was a good day.

  May 19, 2017

  So, it turns out Lumina was not the one who turned Jasper into a dog Zombie. It was Carmony Grimshaw! I know, shocking right? It turns out she really, really hates munching on brains so she avoids it until she can’t anymore. Apparently Jasper was there when she broke.

  Carmony only ate as much as she could stomach which it turns out wasn’t much. I guess Jasper’s Zombie dog instincts are telling him she’s his mother. It seems the change cut his ties to Mary Mary which is sad for her but it may be a good thing for Carmony. I think she really needs a companion.

  Maybe I’ll ask her if she wants to take a Zumba class with me. I’ve seen the infomercials and it seems interesting. Did you know some people even make shirts to wear to the classes? I overheard some Humans discussing how to cut a t-shirt to make this design so I looked it up. It looks easy enough. Maybe I’ll make one for Carmony too!

  May 20, 2017

  Pinkerton says my Zumba shirts look ridiculous. I think they look amazing. Even better than the ones in the pictures. Meaning they look nothing like the ones in the pictures. I may have made too many cuts but I prefer to think everyone else make too few cuts. Also, the cuts may not be symmetrical but then I’ve always thought symmetry was overrated.

  Both t-shirts are neon green. I thought it would be cool if we matched. Pink thinks it’s dumb but who cares what he thinks? Okay, I care a little but not enough to change my t-shirts.

  While Carmony didn’t exactly sound like she was thrilled about attending a Zumba class she didn’t say ‘no’ so that’s something. I’m sure once we’re there she’ll enjoy herself. We’ll show all those Humans how we Zombies Zumba.

  May 21, 2017

  Carmony is really good at Zumba! I think she may have the DVD. I’m not very coordinated and following directions has never been a talent of mine. I prefer to make up my own moves. So that’s what I did. Did people look at me strange? Not really. When I looked around I noticed I was not the only one doing my own thing. It was kind of liberating.

  A couple of people even asked where I got my t-shirt. I need to remember to tell Pink. He obviously doesn’t understand
women’s fashion.

  The best part was when the instructor called Carmony on stage. I told you she was good! For once she didn’t look sad. She shined. I think Carmony has the soul of a dancer! I need to figure out how to work that into our training.

  I need to think on this.

  May 22, 2017

  Today I just missed the ear of the target during firearm training. Personally I was thrilled about it. Julia ordered me to stop celebrating failure. Almost grazing the ear of a target is nothing she told me. She said I need to set higher standards for myself.

  I’ve thought about this and she might be right. If I want to be a true Ninja assassin I need to be better than ‘mediocre’ at combat and actually have shooting skills. I guess it would also be helpful to be able to read a map or at least know how to operate GPS.

  Starting tomorrow I am going to get serious about my training. It goes against my natural instincts but sometimes you have to stretch to grow.

  Apparently even Zombies can change. No promises though. I’m still me.

  May 23, 2017

  I went head to head with Carmony during combat training. No weapons were involved. That was the only good thing about the matchup. To be perfectly honest Carmony wiped the floor with me. I tried. I really did but she’s quick and has great reflexes.

  For a moment I thought I had her. I was totally prepared to give her a kick to the head that would leave her ears ringing for days but I underestimated the length of my legs. Instead she grabbed my foot and dropped me to my back. That’s pretty much all I remember.

  I’ve decided not to beat myself up about the loss. Carmony is good. It’s probably because of her dancing abilities. Her moves are smooth and graceful. She could be the perfect Ninja if she wanted but as good as she is at physical combat it’s not what makes her sparkle.

  I saw a flyer on a light post a couple of blocks from the compound. It’s for a dance competition in late July. I think this could be the thing for Carmony. It will give her a goal and an excuse to feed her soul. It will be perfect for her.

  I’m getting pretty good at these tactical missions! I know it’s not what Julia and Titus intended but I’ve decided to interpret it this way.

  May 24, 2017

  Carmony refused to sign up for the dance contest unless I did. So it looks like I’m in another competition. I’ve already warned her that I’m competitive. If she thinks I’m going to throw it because she’s my friend peer she’s dead wrong! I’ve watched Flashdance at least 136 times give or take a couple. I’ve practiced that dance routine in secret many, many times.

  I really need put together a training plan.

  May 25, 2017

  I’ve decided to incorporate dance into my combat moves. Julia said I’m an idiot. Pink said I’m insane. To both of them I replied, “I’m a maniac. I know.”

  Carmony is beginning to look worried. Well, it’s too late! She let this genie out of the bottle and now she’s just going to have to deal with it!!

  May 26, 2017

  I think I may have broken my ankle last night during dance practice. Okay, it’s probably just a sprain but it hurts! Am I being a baby about it? Yes, that’s what Zombies do. Ask Titus. Sure a twisted ankle isn’t the same as a bullet in the foot but I’m sure the pain is equivalent. Don’t tell Titus I said that!

  I put a bandage on my ankle then put on my leg warmers to cover it up. If Julia finds out I injured myself rehearsing dance moves she’ll try to make me quit the competition. I can’t quit. This competition means too much!

  May 27, 2017

  Julia didn’t suspect anything. When she saw my leg warmers she rolled her eyes and honestly didn’t look at me again. Luckily Pinkerton was the one I had to go up against today. He noticed my hobbled leg but didn’t say anything.

  When Pink reached for my arm I dropped to the ground like a sack of beans. I figured it was best to get it over with. There was no way I’d beat him today and we both knew it.

  One good thing did come of today though. I hit my target in the arm during firearm training. I got so excited Julia pulled the gun out of my hand to avoid an accidental discharge.

  It was an amazing moment. I think Julia was secretly excited too. She was smiling when she left the shooting range. I think our sisterhood lives. Don’t tell Julia I said that!

  May 28, 2017

  I’ve been giving this dance competition a lot of thought or at least my outfit. I know there’s still a lot of time but it’s very important. You can never start too early.

  I’m trying to decide whether I should do sequins or not. I’m leaning towards ‘yes’. Should the leggings have sequins on them also or maybe rhinestones? I think rhinestones would give it just the right look. I haven’t been able to decide on a color. Maybe I’ll use them all. You can never have too much color.

  I’m keeping the music and my routine a secret for now. I don’t want anyone to steal my ideas not that Carmony would. We have completely different dance styles. At least I think we do. It’s not like I’ve been spying on her or anything. Really!

  Fine, I’ve been spying on her. Don’t judge me! I don’t have natural talent. I need every edge I can get. Carmony is too good. There is no way I can beat her in a straight up dance face off. I need to hypnotize the judges with my color combinations, dazzle them with my sequins, blind them with my rhinestones. In other words, I need to find a way to hide my flaws. As much as I hate to admit it, I have many, many flaws. Maybe I should add some feathers.

  I need to think on this some more.

  May 29, 2017

  Today was the worst day in the history of bad days! Julia Caesar dropped me off in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a map and a compass. The map had a red dot on it and she’d written the words ‘You are here’ next to it. How the hell was that supposed to help me?!

  I know I said I was going to crank up my training but I figured it would be done slowly over time. I don’t know why I mentioned it to Julia. When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut? I don’t have to say everything I think! Sometimes it seems like my mouth has a mind of its own and it obviously has it out for me.

  Julia said we were going out for pizza. I should have known then she was lying. She doesn’t eat junk food. Ever. When she asked to borrow my phone I should have suspected something. She hates my phone. She calls it a digital dinosaur. Julia is a digital snob. You can tell her I said so! On second thought don’t tell her. Next time she may forget the compass and ‘accidentally’ leave off the dot on the map.

  The good news is I found my way back. The bad news is it took me three hours to realize the compass points north no matter what direction you turn.

  May 30, 2017

  Julia and Titus are on some secret mission today so she left Pinkerton in charge of my firearm training. It basically turned into a shoot-off with us in side by side shooting lanes. He’d call “Ready, aim, fire,” and we’d each fire a shot. When we were out of rounds we’d call back the target.

  Each time we did this Pink would look at his with a satisfied smile because they were all kill shots. Then he’d look at mine and shake his head because mine were pretty much all flesh wounds.

  The final time we did this I was shocked to see I’d had one kill shot. Right through the head! Of course Pink took full credit claiming he was the best instructor in the history of Zombies. I kept the page to show Julia tomorrow. I knew if I didn’t she wouldn’t believe me.

  May 31, 2017

  Apparently Julia and Titus has been working to assemble a coalition of Zombies from across the country. Their ultimate goal is for a worldwide coalition but they said they still have a way to go for that. The first meeting of the US Coalition of Zombies will take place in mid-September.

  Until that time, we will train as usual but also work to identify other Zombies in our area. I guess this means I’ll need to pay another visit to EZ Ryder’s commune.

  Titus said he’ll make contact with Dirth Vader the (un)Chosen. He doesn’t trust Dirth aroun
d Julia after what happened between them. I’d say that’s a good call.

  I can’t believe this revolution is actually beginning to take form.

  June 1, 2017

  EZ says he’s not interested in participating in a revolution. So I told him the revolution was happening with or without him. It would be in his best interest to at least know if there were shots coming his way. After all, we all know how quick Humans are to start a war.

  He’s going to discuss it with his friends and let me know what they decide. Whatever. The ball is in his court now. I did my part. I notified him.

  I’ve got bigger things to think about. Like my dance routine and how to dial up the wow factor in my costume. It’s got to be spectacular! Maybe I’ll add lights or glow in the dark paint or both. Yes, definitely both! This is not the time to be bashful. It’s time to be bold!!