by Jamie Knight
I sat up. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“You just can’t keep using me like this,” she said, propping herself up on her elbow and staring at me solemnly.
Her words were like a gut punch to the chest. I stared right back at her. “You know, you aren’t the only person who feels used,” I admitted. “There have been times where I have felt used by you, too.”
We sat there, staring at each other, letting the words permeate the air as we tried to process what was happening.
I didn’t want her to feel used. And I definitely didn’t want to feel used, either. So, I knew that Nadia was right.
Something had to be done.
I got dressed quickly, grabbing my jacket and keys on the way out. It was my turn to take a walk.
Chapter Five - Nadia
I felt like a pipe about to burst. So many emotions were filling my head that I could hardly think straight. The fact that Josh was using me was slowly eating away at my self-esteem. And how he kept changing the subject when I needed to talk it out, I could no longer stand that. I realized that I kept too much bottled up over the years and didn’t quite know how to handle it all.
Did I love Josh? Did I hate him? I had no idea, there was such a rush of feelings inside of me, it made me want to scream. I needed to talk to someone who could help me to figure things out and think it all through. I picked up my phone from the end table next to the bed in the hotel room and dialed Monica’s number. She had always been a great listening ear and a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed it.
I inhaled deeply and blew out a huge breath. It was time for me to tell her some things that I had been holding in for a very long time.
“Hello?” my friend said, sounding chipper. “How’s everything going?” She seemed so happy and nonchalant that I almost hung up the phone — instead, I burst into tears.
“Oh, Monica,” I wailed, not exactly sure why I was crying. “I feel horrible. I’ve been keeping a secret from you, and I hope that you aren’t mad. But it’s about Joshua.”
“Joshua?” she asked, sounding alarmed. “What did that prick do now?”
“No, no,” I said, waving a hand in the air as if she could see me. “It’s nothing like that. It’s…well…I love him.” My heart thumped as I admitted it for the first time, and I knew that it was true. Not letting my friend get a word in, I powered on. “We’ve slept together. Actually, we’ve slept together a few times. And whenever we have sex together, neither one of us will talk about it. Ever. We just pretend that it never happened and talk about everything except that. And I was okay with that pattern for a while, but now that I know how I feel about him, it’s not okay. And I just don’t know what to do.”
The phone was silent for a minute. I thought that I’d hung up the call until I heard Monica cluck her tongue.
“You two are the most chicken shit scared people that I’ve ever seen in my life,” she said. “You need to get over it, stop being so scared, and just go for it. If you two have slept together, then that means that he obviously has feelings for you. And you guys are so wonderful together. I mean, you’re acting like you’re not in love when it’s as clear as day that you are in love.”
Was that true? I sat up straight in the bed, almost knocking the headboard against the wall. I knew for sure that I was in love with my best friend. The only question was: was he in love with me? Could Josh feel the same way I did?
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said, feeling the room beginning to spin. What was that? Nerves? I stood up and walked across the carpet to open a window, thinking that maybe some fresh air would do me some good and keep me from puking all over the place. I told Monica how I was feeling and that I probably needed to get off of the phone and find something to drink.
“What you need to do is go to the store and pick up a pregnancy test,” said Monica. “If you two have been sleeping together, there might be a chance that you’re pregnant.”
I hadn’t even thought about that. It just seemed like such a crazy idea — me being pregnant — that it hadn’t entered my mind as a possibility until now. But it kind of made sense that I would check to see if I was pregnant since Joshua and I hadn’t used any type of protection when we slept together. Our nights were always unplanned and crazy.
I quickly got off the phone and told myself that I wouldn’t think about the possibility that I might be pregnant. Yet, it was almost impossible to think about anything else. I could feel my heart starting to race, as well as my thoughts. What was I going to do? What would Joshua say? What would our families say? I was in full panic mode.
I called Joshua, ready to tell him what may be going on, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Enraged, I hung up the phone and threw it across the bed. Sprawling out on the mattress myself, I decided that I would watch some TV while I waited for him to come back.
I sat absentmindedly flipping through the channels for what seemed like forever until I just couldn’t take it anymore. There was a drug store that was a few blocks away from the hotel. I would have to walk, but maybe the night air would help clear my head. Grabbing the second key to the hotel room and my purse, I headed out.
Under the flickering of old fluorescent lights in the corner store, I bought a pregnancy test, a candy bar, and a soda. The teenage clerk barely looked at me, which was fine. I needed answers, not comments right now. If the test came back positive, my whole life would change…and maybe not for the better.
I all but ran back to the room and took the test. As the timer clicked down, I sat on the edge of the bed, waiting the two minutes that it was going to take to find out if I was pregnant or not. My mind was reeling as I waited impatiently to see if there would be one line or two. After the beep on my phone, I picked up the test and stared at it.
Two lines.
That meant that I was pregnant. I just kept staring at the test, trying to come to terms with the fact that there was a life growing inside of me. The idea seemed so crazy. I was going to be a mother. It was something I wasn’t ready for.
One thing that I knew for sure was that there was no way that I could be deployed at this point. Yemen was out. I was probably out of the army, too; I had no clue how my commanding officers would act. Motherhood wasn’t in my plans when I enlisted, so I never asked these particular what-ifs.
Then there was the question of the baby’s father. Ted and I hadn’t slept together for months, so I knew who it was and how he probably would react. Joshua couldn’t even handle having a conversation about our sex life, so I knew that he would lose his mind if he found out that I was pregnant.
Depressed, I put the pregnancy test in my purse. I decided that I would keep that little tidbit of news a secret for a while — at least until I came up with a plan about what I was going to do. If only I knew where Joshua was.
Chapter Six - Joshua
“Have another round of whiskey on me,” offered the elderly man standing at the bar with me. “It’s not every day that you run into a soldier. I just want to thank you for your service. Men like you are what makes our country so great.”
The bar I had found down the street from the motel was very patriotic. When I had used my military ID to order a whiskey, the bartender had not only waved my money away, he also announced to the crowd that they had a hero in the house. This was followed by a round of cheers, slaps on the back, and more free drinks than I could count. At first, it felt good, but after a while — after my vision started to blur, and the room started to spin — I felt like a fraud.
Afghanistan was my first tour of duty. I had seen a bit of action, but for the most part, it was a lot of waiting and a lot of routine exercises. This next tour in Yemen was going to be more challenging. My unit was supposed to do police actions in some of the towns with heavier fighting. Deep down, I was scared, but as a soldier, I couldn’t admit that.
My father was an army man. He served for thirty years, dragging my mother and me all over the world until we settled
on base in Southern Oregon. I grew up expecting to enlist, and although I think my mother didn’t want me to, it was the only thing that I could do to make my father proud. However, now that I was facing going back into action, there was something more nagging at the back of my mind.
I was scared that something would happen to Nadia — that she would be injured. I couldn’t take that.
When my best friend decided to join up with me, I was happy. Having Nadia by my side felt natural. But now that we were facing something real, my heart was heavy, and I just couldn’t keep my hands from shaking.
I thanked the old-timer, downed the free shot in one gulp, and stood up, swaying as I rose. I had to steady myself to make sure that I didn’t fall. I knew that I had had too many drinks, so I figured that it was time to leave. I said goodbye to the crowd, who had bought me the shoots and stalked out of the bar.
Once I got outside, and the wind hit my face, I remembered why I was in the bar in the first place: Nadia. Was I just using her? Was it all about sex? The look she had had on her face when she told me to leave earlier, it had been ice cold. I’d never seen my best friend look at me that way. This was the beginning of the end for us. I just knew it.
At that point, I decided that I wasn’t entirely done drinking. I walked a few blocks from the bar and found a liquor store. I went inside and bought a bottle of vodka. When I got outside again, I didn’t even bother waiting to start drinking. I drank straight from the bottle in the paper bag, sauntering down the sidewalk. I bumped into several people who remarked with irritation. But, once they saw how drunk I was, they just moved along.
There was a park that had a bench nearby, and since the world was really starting to sway, I sat on it. Actually, I laid on the bench, staring up at the sky. It was dark with flecks of light shimmering in it. The stars shone so brightly that they lit up the park.
Even though I had drunk more alcohol than I ever had, my thoughts were still whirring around in my head. My heart was beating so hard I was sure that it would beat right out of my chest. I was scared, and the fear was intensifying. I took another swig of alcohol, convincing myself that the more that I drank, the easier it will be for me to get rid of my fears.
Unfortunately, that assumption was wrong. The more I drank, the scarier the world became.
“Joshua?” I heard a voice in the darkness call. “Is that you?”
I tried to focus my eyes but couldn’t. However, I knew that voice anywhere. It was Nadia. She had somehow found me. We were in some strange small town in California, in a park I had never been to, but still, my angel found me.
Overjoyed, I waved my bottle at the hazy form I assumed was my best friend.
“Do you know how worried I have been?” she yelled, making me cringe. “I have a good mind to leave you here and figure out my own way to the base. You are such an asshole!”
She walked over to the bench where I sat and stood in front of me. I sat up until our noses almost touched, feeling so adventurous and excited seeing her. Putting my arms around her neck, I pulled myself up, enjoying the warmth of her body against mine. Here I was okay. She made me okay.
I leaned down to kiss her. Nadia didn’t fight me but let me kiss her.
“We should run away together,” I mumbled, taking her hands in mine. “We could start all over and just have a life, you and me, where nobody and nothing could bother us. What do you say?”
She grunted with surprise and then laughed. “I’m going to assume that that is just the alcohol talking,” she said, grabbing my arm. “We need to get inside.”
I pulled my arm away from her, refusing to go inside. I wasn’t ready to go back to reality. Here in this park, we were free. She grabbed my arm again, pulling me hard towards the room. I was too unsteady on my feet to really fight her, so I just followed her back to the motel.
The stairs were a blur, but soon I was laying on something soft, and the stars were replaced by a slow-moving ceiling fan. My angel, Nadia, walked around me, first looking into my eyes, then putting a cold washrag on my brow. I started to feel extremely tired. I guessed that the alcohol was beginning to take its toll.
“What’s gotten into you tonight, punk?” asked Nadia, trying to help me out of my boots. “I thought that something had happened to you.”
“No, I’m okay,” I said, shaking my head then regretting it. “I just needed to get out to clear my head. I haven’t exactly been honest with you about things.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, stopping dead in her tracks and staring at me.
Her face was so pretty. The way that her mouth pinched when she was concerned, the deep darkness of her brown eyes, it was all stunning. I wanted her to look at me every day for the rest of my life, but I was going to ruin that. One way or another, Nadia would be taken from me.
Reaching over, I ran my hand under her chin, feeling her smooth skin. “I mean, I haven’t wanted to tell you the real reason why I keep my distance from you,” I said, my eyes starting to close from sheer exhaustion. “I am scared of losing you, Nadia. I can deal with exes. They come and go. But none of them are my friends, especially not my best friend like you are. I can talk to you about anything. We have such a good time together. I love you truly and unconditionally.”
Then, all I remembered was the room going dark and sleep overtaking me.
Chapter Seven - Nadia
I barely slept. Josh’s words kept spinning around in my head. He said that he loved me unconditionally. Those were heavy words, a heavy promise.
I looked over at him, sound asleep. He was such a complicated man, but also, he was my closest friend. I felt like I knew his soul. Underneath the constant dating and the rough exterior, Joshua was a good man. He was a sweet man. I knew he would always be there for me.
Or did I…
One of my hands slid down to my belly. There was no bump there yet, but I swear I could feel the baby growing inside. What would this little one be like? Would they be like their father? Would Josh even get to know them, or would he run?
I sighed, trying to put those thoughts out of my mind. Announcing a pregnancy was not the thing to do to someone hungover.
Josh snored slightly, and I looked over at him again. What a crazy night. It took a little bit of liquid courage from drinking for him to finally get over his pride and admit how he felt. I smiled, thinking about how he felt about me. My smile quickly faded when I remembered the life that I was carrying inside of me. Now that I was pregnant, things needed to change between us. It made me view our scattered past in a whole new light.
I knew that there was no way that I was going to be deployed. But, more than that, I didn’t want Joshua to be deployed to Yemen, either. Even though I knew it probably wasn’t the best idea that I’d had, I knew that I needed to develop a plan fast before he was deployed. However, I decided to let Joshua wake up first before doing anything.
As if on cue, Joshua sat up and moaned, holding his head. “I feel like got hit by a bus,” he mumbled. “I have such a bad headache.”
I couldn’t hide my smirk. “Do you want me to run over to the drug store and see if I can get you something for your headache?”
He waved his hand in my direction, dismissively. “No, I’ll be alright,” he said. “I’ll probably just take a shower and hope that that helps.”
I nodded, not taking my eyes off of the man. Even first thing in the morning, with his hair wild all over his head and his dark, brooding eyes barely open, Josh looked incredibly sexy. I had to fight the urge to jump on the bed and rip his clothes off.
He groaned, swaying backward and ungracefully slamming the back of his head against the headboard. “I regret everything that I did and said last night,” he whined, pinching the bridge of his nose with his eyes closed. “Nadia, you made me go crazy last night.”
I frowned as I felt my shoulders tighten. Guilt rose in me that I had had something to do with him going out and drinking the way that he did, so I fig
ured that I would help nurse him through his hangover.
Walking over to the bed, I slowly helped Josh to take off his clothes piece by piece. When he was naked, I followed suit, taking my clothes off. Helping him onto his feet, I led the man to the bathroom. He flinched as I turned on the light, so I turned it back off and groped around in the dark to turn the shower on.
When the water was warm enough, we got in the shower. I pushed him forward into the spray, and Josh shook his head like he just realized what was going on. Rubbing water over his tight muscles, I savored the smoothness of his skin.
“That feels so good, Nadia,” he moaned. “You are the best.”
My heart was conflicted. I wondered if he remembered what had happened the night before, or what he said. I had to know. I had to know where we were at or if the silent treatment was going to continue.
Grabbing the soap and a washcloth, I begin to slowly clean his body from behind, starting with his broad back. It was such a tender moment, me caring for him in that way. It was something that I’d never done for anyone else. But this just went to show how good of friends that we were. I would truly do anything for Joshua. When I pushed my hand forward under his armpit and onto his chest, Josh took my hand and gently kissed my wrist. The simple touch made my heart flutter.
“Everything…” I started but found my voice wavering.
“Hmm?” He turned to look at me, even though it was hard to see in the dark.
I cleared my throat, close to tears. “You said you regret everything you said last night. Is that true?”
His fingers traced my cheekbones. “Not everything. Somethings needed to be said.”
Tears started streaming down my face as I found myself smiling. Suddenly embarrassed, I pushed his hand away and made him turn towards the spray again. “Okay, punk,” I choked out.