by Lexi Wilson
“I’m telling you to keep your voice down because the students in the hall could hear you if you’re too loud,” I said, still trying to remain calm. “I don’t think you want to be the one to get your roommate in trouble with the board, so why not listen to someone besides yourself for once?”
“You heard what I said. Unless you want to find yourself in a world of hurt, you better make sure you do nothing to ever hurt my friend again!” she whispered, her voice tense with the threat. I knew she was serious, and I tried once more to have compassion for her.
“Listen, I know you care about Zia, and I’m not going to hurt her. I didn’t want to hurt her the first time I did. I really didn’t. I was doing my best to be open and up front with her, but it just didn’t happen,” I said.
She let out a short scoff. “You tried to tell her the truth when you told her a lie you kept up for a month?”
“I didn’t know how to tell her when I fell for her, okay? Now don’t you worry about me hurting her. That’s the last thing I would ever do. In fact, I would kill anyone who laid a finger on her or did anything to hurt her feelings, alright?” I said.
Kira stared at me for a moment, the daggers in her eyes. I wanted to lecture her about talking to a professor the way that she was, but she knew the secret, and she was already threatening to tell the board. I knew she could present it in a way that would get me in trouble with them, and I would take the fall entirely.
There was no way I would put Zia in the position that would get her kicked out of the school, but I didn’t want to tell Kira that. I knew she meant what she said, and I worried she really was going to tell the wrong person. I needed a job, and I loved teaching.
I didn’t want to give it up for anything, and if I were to be let go for being unethical with a student, it would cost me a lot more than my job at this current university.
“Is there something else I can do for you?” I asked, forcing myself to smile. I was good at a fake smile, and I knew it appeared far more genuine than it was.
“Just watch yourself,” she hissed. “You’re out of chances in my book, and I’m serious about that!”
“Okay,” I said.
Kira turned and stormed out of my office, nearly running into Nathan on her way out. She was clearly pissed as she pushed past him and continued up the hall, making several of the other students look at her, then back at my office, then her again.
I could have buried my face in my hands, but with Nathan standing there, I had to maintain the professional stance. It was hard keeping up this façade, but I knew it would be worth it in the end.
“What was that all about?” he asked as he pointed over his shoulder toward Kira. “She seemed less than thrilled as she marched out of here. You tell her she had extra homework or something?”
I sighed and shook my head. I wasn’t going to tell him what the conversation had really entailed, but I had to think of something to satisfy him. This was going to be harder than I thought.
“She’s pissed about her grades,” I said, naming the first thing that came to mind. “She came in here to try to get me to change them for her, but I told her she’s going to have to work harder.”
“Grades?” Nathan asked, raising his eyebrows. I knew he didn’t believe me, and I didn’t blame him. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew I’d fucked up with the excuse. But I was too far in at this point to back out, or he really would guess that I had lied.
“Yeah,” I said with a nod, turning my attention back to the papers on my desk.
“Odd,” he said.
“What?” I looked up at him like he was the one being crazy.
“It’s just that it’s pretty early in the year to be talking about grades, don’t you think?” he asked.
All I could do was shrug. He’d called my bluff, but I wasn’t going to go into it any further. I had said what I said, and now I was sticking to it. I knew he wasn’t going to press it too far, but he knew I was covering for something else, and that alone made me feel uncomfortable.
I felt bad for lying to Zia, but it was even harder to lie to Nathan. We’d known each other for years, and he knew when I was hiding something. The problem was I knew he was smart, and he didn’t like it when I hid things from him.
For all I knew he might be the one to figure this out. Then all hell would break loose. There would be no coming back from that, that was for sure.
I just hoped to God he wouldn’t.
Chapter 23
Zia
I laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. I didn’t want to get up, and there was a large part of me that was grateful I didn’t have to. It had been a long week at school, and I was glad it was Saturday and I didn’t have to deal with any of it.
Kira hadn’t taken the news well when I told her I’d slept with Josiah again that night. She yelled at me, telling me that I was only setting myself up to get hurt again, and I couldn’t argue. I couldn’t even tell her for sure why I had done it. All I could say was that I was stupid, and I thought it was the right thing to do in the heat of the moment.
“But now I don’t know why I was stupid enough to think that. I’m not sure what to say or do. I don’t even know if I can go back to school,” I’d sobbed.
“You have to go back. You can’t drop out and keep your scholarship, and you’re not going to throw this all away for the sake of some stupid player,” she said. “I think you should tell him that you’re done for good and stick with it this time. You have got to stop going to him.”
“I know,” I said. “But I don’t want to break up with him through text again.”
“You have to tell him, or he’s just going to keep coming back,” she warned.
“I know,” I said. “But I’m not sure what to say. I’m not sure what to do about any of this. I feel so shitty that I slept with him, and now I’m going to take it all back?”
“You have to!” Kira insisted.
“In the heat of the moment, I was so sure that I wanted to be with him. I was sure I would be able to make this work. But now, I’m not sure what I feel about any of this. I’m not sure what to think,” I told her.
She was a lot nicer to me after that, knowing she couldn’t make me see things from her point of view. She was going to have to give her advice and leave me to take it or leave it as I so chose. It wasn’t up to her who I got to date, and I didn’t have to listen to her if I didn’t want to.
It was hard for her, I knew, but at the end of the day, it was my choice. But then, she disappeared at school and came into our next class together late and flustered, but satisfied. I tried to figure out what she had done, but she refused to tell me anything.
“Did you talk to Josiah?” I tried to get out of her, but she merely shrugged.
“I had a productive day,” she said. “And I’ve got a lot of homework I’ve got to do, so if you need me, I’ll be in my room.”
And that’s all I was able to get out of her. The next few days, I did my best to get through school while avoiding Josiah, not wanting to talk to him about the fact that we’d had sex again, but also not feeling much like talking to anyone. I couldn’t quite place my finger on what was wrong, but I felt off.
It was like I was out of myself watching myself go through the motions. I was quiet in all my classes, but especially chemistry. I noticed Josiah making eye contact with me quite often, and I knew he was waiting for me to come to him. I hadn’t spoken to him since the day he dropped me back off at my place, but then, I hadn’t spoken to really anyone at school.
I hadn’t said a word about the relationship or what we had done to anyone but my roommate, and I hoped she would keep quiet about it, too. She could very easily get me kicked out of the school by trying to get revenge on Josiah, and I would hate to have to take the fall for a mistake I didn’t even know I was making.
The whole thing had come crashing down around me, and now I felt stuck. I felt lost even in my own apartment and a stranger to my best friend. I felt
like I lost the love of my life, and there was a large part of me that didn’t think I would ever find that feeling with anyone else.
It didn’t help that I’d woken up sick the past few days, either. I felt nauseous in the morning, and for a couple of days, it had lasted into the afternoon. I hadn’t even eaten breakfast or lunch the past couple days, and this morning wasn’t any better.
As I laid in bed, the room started to spin around me. I felt hungover despite the fact I hadn’t drank alcohol all week, and I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I did my best to take deep breaths and try to will the stomach pain away, but when the smell of eggs came wafting into my room, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I bolted from the bedroom and headed straight for the bathroom, ignoring Kira cooking scrambled eggs in the kitchen on my way by.
“Good morning!” she called out, but I didn’t stop. I barely made it to the toilet before I became violently ill, and Kira came to check on me.
“Sick again?” she asked. “Have you been hiding bottles of booze in your room?”
“No,” I managed through the illness that wracked my entire body. “I haven’t touched alcohol in a week or more.”
“Maybe we should go into the doctor,” she said as she stood watching me. I hadn’t ever felt so sick in as long as I could remember. This was worse than the last hangover I’d had, and I was sure that was going to be the death of me. “It’s not normal to be throwing up this much in this many days and not at least go in to have it looked at. You don’t want to get dehydrated or anything.”
I sighed. “I don’t exactly have the money to go to the ER.”
“Come on, they school will help pay for it if we go to the one on campus,” she said. “I can eat breakfast when we get back. You don’t look so good, and I’ve been worried about you.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” I said. “Probably just a stomach bug or something.”
“It’s not like stomach bugs last for a week” she said. “Please. I would feel a lot better if we could just get it looked at and make sure you’re okay.”
“Fine,” I said at last. I didn’t like going to the doctor, and I really didn’t feel up to getting in the car and going today, but it was a Saturday, so it was the best day to go. I had a ride, and I didn’t have to miss any classes. Not to mention, I would be able to come back home and go right to bed when we came back.
“I’ll grab my keys,” Kira called over her shoulder as she headed for her room. “Put on something comfortable, but a little more presentable.”
It was obvious I wasn’t wearing a bra, but it was torture to slip into a fresh t-shirt and sweatpants. I was surprised I managed to get dressed enough to go out without throwing up again, but I kept it down. I just wanted to get to the hospital so we could get through the exam and head home.
“I’m sure they’re just going to tell me that I had food poisoning or something and send me home with a massive bill,” I said on the way.
“Even if they do, they’ll give you something that can help you with the nausea,” Kira said. “And they might put you on some fluids to make sure you aren’t losing too much.”
“I’d kill to get rid of some of this nausea,” I said. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this sick.”
“Which is why the two of us are going to the doctor now,” she said. “I’m not going to sit there and wonder what’s wrong with you day after day and wonder if there was something I could have done if you keep getting worse.”
“I just hope they aren’t too busy when we get there. I don’t feel up to sitting in the waiting room for very long. And we have to find a place next to the bathroom, okay?” I said.
“Deal,” she nodded. She gave me a smile, but I could see the concern in her eyes. It bothered me she was so worried about me, and I tried not to let the anxiety get to me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, either, and the fact was I was rather worried, too.
I knew it was the right thing to do to go to the hospital and get some tests done, but I still was in denial.
And I stayed that way throughout the entire exam. The doctor checked everything and ran a few blood tests, asking me question after question about my habits, diet, exercise routine, and everything. He was nice enough, but I felt dizzy, and I wasn’t too thrilled to be interrogated on top of feeling like shit.
The medication did help some, but it wasn’t enough to take away the nausea altogether. The exam only took about an hour, but to me, it was an eternity. The doctor told me he was going to go get the results from my bloodwork, then after we spoke about treatment options, I’d be able to go home.
At long last, he came back into the room. I hoped it was nothing more than the stomach flu and he could send me home with some medication, but by the look on his face, I had a feeling it was a bigger deal than that.
“Am I dying?” I joked.
“No, you’re not dying,” he said with a small smile. “Everything in your blood came back normal, but there was a little something extra that I want to talk to you about.”
“Extra?” I asked, looking at him with raised eyebrows.
“You’re entirely healthy. But you might want to bring in your husband for this news,” the doctor said.
“I’m not married,” I replied.
“Do you have a boyfriend who came in with you? Or maybe you want to get him on the phone?” he asked. He was giving me a strange look, and I could taste bile in the back of my mouth. I wasn’t sure if it was the nausea or the nerves that was getting to me now, but my mouth went dry.
“I don’t have one of those, either,” I said. “Sort of been focusing on my schoolwork more than relationships at the moment.”
“I see,” he said. He sat down in a chair and folded his hands, looking up at me as I sat on the exam station. I was growing more anxious with each passing second, and I hoped he would say something. But he seemed to be giving me the chance to catch up with my own thoughts before he continued with the news he had to tell.
“Well, I think you have a lot to consider now,” he said at last. “Because you’re pregnant.”
Once again, the room started to spin around, and I felt I could fall right off the exam table. More than anything, I had to fight for control. When I heard the news, there was only one thing I wanted to do.
I wanted to scream.
Chapter 24
Josiah
I was sitting at the kitchen table at home, doing my best to focus on the paperwork I had to get done. I wasn’t in the mood to be working on a Sunday, but it would be a lot easier for me to get through the paperwork now than to have to deal with it later.
Throughout the week, I found it harder and harder to concentrate knowing Zia was avoiding me. She wasn’t herself, and I hated it. I knew it was my own fault. I should have been open with her from the beginning, and I wasn’t. If I had just told her the truth, then none of this would have happened.
But I had been afraid from the beginning she wouldn’t want to be with me if she knew the truth about me, and I had been right. She was pissed because she was a student and I was the professor. I had lied to her, but more than that, being with me could mean she could get kicked out of the school.
I knew that, she knew that, and Kira knew that, too. I trusted Zia not to say anything, but I didn’t know what to do about her roommate. I didn’t know if I should fall on the sword before she had the chance to do anything to us, or if I should try to bribe her to keep her mouth shut.
There was no easy answer with this, and it was only making my life harder trying to work through it. I didn’t want to deal with it at all, but I also didn’t want to give up on the woman I’d fallen for. There was no denying my feelings anymore, not even from myself, and I wasn’t going to just let her walk out of my life.
I thought it was both aggravating and unfair for the school to be able to dictate whether we were able to have relationships with the students. It wasn’t high school, and there weren’t any students who
attended the university who were under eighteen.
They were all adults, and they were able to make thier own decisions. But the board was adamant if they were to make it okay for there to be such relationships, then it was just a matter of time before those relationships were abused and students would be targeted.
It was meant to protect not only the students, but the school itself from a possible lawsuit. Still, I felt there had to be some way to work around the policy. Perhaps if the relationship were to be disclosed to the school board, much like a professional relationship that turned romantic.
I wanted to call Zia, but I hadn’t. I knew she wanted to be left alone, and I was going to respect that. I wasn’t going to keep bothering her if she didn’t want me to talk to her. I couldn’t. I had to be respectful of her and her wishes, no matter how hard it was for me to keep to myself.
A knock at the door tore me from the table, and I dragged myself through the living room to answer it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and I wasn’t expecting any visitors, but I figured I might as well take a break from the mundane and figure out who wanted to talk to me.
But when I opened it, I was shocked to see Zia standing outside.
“Can I come in?” she asked. She looked scared, but I merely took a step back and gestured for her to enter.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “I thought you didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.”
“I’m pregnant,” she said.
I stared at her like she had three heads. I knew there was a lot going on in her life, but I didn’t think she would take this route. At first, I wasn’t sure if she was joking with me, or if she was serious about her announcement.
“What did you say?” I asked when she stared back at me, her eyes wide with emotion.
“You heard me right,” she said. “I’m pregnant.”
My eyes widened. I could see in her expression she wasn’t joking or making it up, and she was incredibly scared about giving me the news. Or perhaps she was scared about the fact she was going to be a mother. Either way, when the news finally sank in, I couldn’t contain myself.