by Lexi Wilson
“He didn’t. Just that you have to be there as soon as you arrive this morning. I’ve been watching for you to come in, that’s how important this must be,” she said.
“Great,” I replied. “I’m coming.”
She gave me a curt nod before turning to head back to her desk, no doubt giving the dean the update she had given me the message on the way. I didn’t like working in the same building as the man; I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be directly under him like she was. On the other hand, she was a good looking woman, and I could imagine he would give her special perks for being his secretary despite the fact he was so firm about the ethics of working at the school.
I set my things down on my desk, but I didn’t bother to pull anything out of my bag. If the Dean wanted to see me that badly, then I knew I had better get down to his office before he threw a fit. I didn’t want to incur his wrath so early in the year, and though we were a few weeks, in, I still sensed I was one of the newest people in his eyes, and therefore someone who had to be under strict supervision.
I walked quickly through the hall toward his office, knocking twice on the wall next to the open door before entering.
“Josiah, come in,” he said. He was reclining in his chair with his feet on the table, but the look on his face told me he was far from relaxed. I grabbed the back of the chair to pull it out, but he put up his hand.
“Don’t sit,” he said. “I’m hoping this is going to be brief. How was your long weekend?”
“Fine,” I said. “I went to visit my mother.”
“Oh?” he asked. “And how was that?”
“Fine,” I said again, wondering what he was getting at.
“Did you go alone?” he prodded.
“What does that have to do”- I started, but he interrupted.
“The reason I ask is because of this,” he said, sliding a piece of paper across his desk toward me.
“What’s this?” I asked. I picked it up and scanned the contents, though from the moment I saw it I could tell it was an official letter.
“Read it, and you tell me what it is,” he said in a flat tone.
It didn’t take me long to realize what it was. It was a letter, in fact, a formal complaint to the dean written by a student detailing my romantic relationship with another student. There were enough details in the document for it to be convincing, but there wasn’t any solid proof provided.
“I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell this is about,” the dean said. “Because I sure as hell am.”
Before I had the chance to say anything, several of the other professors came rushing into the office. Clearly, they had heard the rumors themselves, and they were coming to find out the truth about this. Clara was among them, but with her arms folded across her broad chest, she made it clear she didn’t believe a word of it.
“I heard some of the students talking, and I’m going to put my foot down on this rumor right now,” she said. “I know Professor Josiah would never do such a thing, and I’m not going to indulge this sort of behavior from any of the students. Who was it that turned in the letter?”
“You know I couldn’t tell you that even if I did know who it was myself,” the dean said. “But this isn’t about you or what any of you think. I want to know from Professor Bleid if this is true.”
It was a direct question, and I knew I was trapped. I had a choice to make – I could either deny it and tell them this was clearly a letter written by a student who was just trying to make drama in the school and they would believe me. I already had the support of several of the other professors.
Or, I could tell them the truth and risk the consequences. I knew it wasn’t going to be good if I did that, but I couldn’t in my right conscience tell them that I didn’t have feelings for Zia. She was carrying my child. I wanted to build a life with her. I wanted to be with her until the day I died.
And they were asking me if it was true.
For a brief second, I wondered what Zia would say if she was there. Would she want me to deny it and tell them it was all a lie? Or would she want me to stand up for the love that we shared? I knew if I was in her position, I would want to hear that she loved me, even if it meant that we were going to have to face trouble for it.
“It’s true,” I said at last. “I didn’t intend for it to happen the way that it did, but once it started, I wasn’t going to stop. Yes, I know it goes against the policy of the school, but I can’t deny how I feel, and yes, it’s true.”
There was a stunned silence in the room for a moment as everyone digested what I had just said. Clearly, none of them were expecting me to tell them that it was, in fact, the truth. Even the dean himself looked like he had been kicked in the gut.
He wiped his hand over his face as I set the letter back on the desk in front of him. “I know this goes against the policy of the school, like I said, and I am willing to take whatever consequence you feel is necessary. But I’m not going to deny how I feel about this person, and I’m not going to pretend that the feelings I have aren’t real.”
“Obviously I’m going to take this in front of the board,” the Dean said. “This is not going to be tolerated in this school or any other for that matter. I’m sure you know it’s not going to be pretty for you.”
“I’m sure,” I said, “But it was a risk I was willing to take. Do what you must.”
“You are dismissed,” he replied. Clearly, he wasn’t happy with the truth, but I felt light as a feather as I walked out of the office. I still wasn’t sure how Zia was going to take the news, but I was pleased with the fact I had stood up for what I believed in.
I wanted her, I wanted us, and I was going to let the entire world know. I didn’t care how much I had to sacrifice to have her in my life. If it meant she would be mine officially – so the entire world knew it – then I would shout it from the top of every skyscraper in Chicago.
But there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had promised Zia I would take care of this, and she wasn’t going to have to give up on her dream of getting a degree in her dream school. I didn’t know if the board was going to kick her out of the university, and if they did, I knew I would be responsible for it.
Sure, we were going to be happy together, but she was going to have to give up on her dream if that was the case, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to have happen to her. I had to find her and tell her the truth before she found out another way.
But, as I ducked through the halls looking in each of the classrooms as I passed, I didn’t see her anywhere. She clearly wasn’t at the school, and it dawned on me she must have taken another day off to deal with the nausea she was feeling.
I pulled out my phone and tried to call her. She had to hear this from me. Whoever had given the dean the letter had clearly spread the rumor in the halls of the university as well. I could tell by the way the students were glancing at me and whispering amongst themselves they were talking about it, but I didn’t have time to tell them to mind their own business.
I had to find Zia and break the news to her as gently as possible. I didn’t want her to figure it out here with the students treating her like an outcast. That would be the worst thing that could happen to her, and with her already in such a fragile state, I didn’t want to add that stress into her life.
I would do anything I could to make things easier for her, but I felt I had just made them a whole lot harder. When I went to voicemail, I tried her again. Then again. I didn’t know why she wasn’t picking up the phone, but I knew I had to figure out where she was and talk to her as soon as possible.
I didn’t care what happened to me, but I cared more than anything about what happened to her and the baby. I had to take care of this – I had to take care of her. I didn’t know how, but I was going to fix this as best as I could. I had to. For the baby. For our baby.
And for Zia.
Chapter 27
Zia
I spent the entire day in bed, wi
shing for the nausea to pass. I didn’t know how long morning sickness was supposed to last, and I was debating calling my mom and letting her know the truth. I knew she wasn’t going to be happy with the fact that I had had a relationship with one of the professors, but I hoped she would be so happy about the fact she was going to be a grandparent that she wasn’t going to be too upset.
The nausea, however, made me want to do nothing but lie in bed with my eyes closed. I’d heard that some women had to deal with it throughout their entire pregnancy. I wasn’t sure I would be able to survive nine months of feeling this way.
On the other hand, there were some who only had to deal with it for a month or two, and that sounded a lot more bearable. At least, I was already a couple of weeks into things, so I was making progress on getting to the other side.
The couple of days we’d spend with his mother were nice, and they made me want to tell my mother the news as well, but I knew my mother wasn’t going to take the news as well as his mother had, and I didn’t want to throw that added stress on top of what I was already dealing with.
I still wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through the pregnancy without answering too many questions. But we had to keep this a secret if we were both going to keep our places at the university. I didn’t want to get kicked out of school, and I didn’t want him to get fired.
Josiah said it was all going to be okay, and I had to trust he knew what he was talking about, even if I wasn’t so sure about any of this.
Later in the afternoon, I headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water, hoping to find some way to settle my stomach. I checked my phone when I got there, shocked to see that there were fifteen missed calls from Josiah and numerous text messages from other people at the school. Some were from my classmates, some were from other professors.
Something had to have happened.
I scanned a few of the messages as my heart sank. Clearly, the secret was out. Not only did everyone know that I was having a relationship with Josiah, but they knew that I was pregnant with his child, too. I hadn’t told anyone that part, not even Kira, so how the hell did the word get out?
I was about to call Josiah back when Kira walked in and I showed her what was going on on my phone.
“I wondered why you didn’t go to class today,” she said as she scanned the messages. “Feeling okay?”
“No, I feel like shit,” I said. “How the hell do you think this got out?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?” she asked.
“You weren’t happy about any of this,” I said. “I didn’t know how to bring it up to you. I’m not sure how anyone found out about that, either. The only person I told was Josiah, and I know he wouldn’t have said anything. I’m guessing from the missed calls that I have from him, he was just as shocked about all this as I am.”
“What are you doing?” she asked as I turned to head back to my room.
“I can’t stay here and just let this happen outside,” I told her. “I’ve got to get out there and do something about this.”
“What are you going to do?” she followed me to my room and stood in the doorway. “You know you can’t have a relationship with a professor, and you can’t change the fact that you’re pregnant unless you want to get an abortion.”
I gave her a dirty look. “First of all, I’m not having an abortion, and I can’t believe you would even suggest that I might! You have no idea how I feel about this baby, and to say that I’m just going to get rid of it is heartless.”
“I’m worried about you, Zia. How are you going to get through school and get your degree and follow your dreams if you’re pregnant? This is going to blow up into something big, and you’re going to go down with him if you aren’t careful,” she said. “You need to be thinking of you right now, not him.”
“I’m thinking of both of us,” I said. “I’m not going to just vanish because the news somehow got out. I’m going to figure something out.”
I pulled on a loose hoodie and sweatpants, trying to find something that wasn’t going to press on my stomach too hard. I didn’t know what I was going to do or where I was going to go, but I knew there was no way I could relax in bed when all this was going on. I had to figure out something – I could even go to the dean and tell him that we had had a relationship before school started and we didn’t even know that the other person was going to be at the school before that day.
Of course I knew that would be twisting the truth, but I was growing all the more desperate by the second, and I wasn’t sure how to handle this. I knew I was going to have to now tell my mother sooner rather than later, too. I didn’t want her to find out about this through the paper or the news. I had to just be up front with her and tell her that I had been sleeping with someone who happened to be a professor.
But that could wait. Right now, I had to find Josiah, and I had to figure out how to handle this with the other people at school. It didn’t help that there were hundreds of students, and this would be gossip for people I didn’t even know. This was bound to spread throughout the entire university like a wildfire, and I would be the student who got knocked up by the professor.
It was terrible, and I could feel the stress mounting as I grabbed my purse and started for the door.
“I did it,” Kira said before I turned the doorknob.
“What?” I asked, turning to look at her.
“I was the one who wrote the letter and told everyone,” she said. “I went to the dean and let him know what was going on with you and Josiah.”
“You?” I gasped. “Why?”
“I saw your paperwork from the doctor in the garbage, and I snooped. When I realized you were pregnant, I knew this had gone too far, and I had to stop you from hurting yourself more. You can’t see what you’re doing to yourself – what you’re throwing away for the sake of your first real relationship. This isn’t right, and you aren’t listening to me, so I went over your head to make sure this wasn’t going to continue,” she said.
I felt like someone had punched me right in the stomach. Of all people, I never thought that my best friend would be the person to betray me.
“I trusted you,” I managed.
“You didn’t! You didn’t even tell me you were pregnant!” she snapped.
“Because I knew you were going to freak out and do something rash!” I yelled. “Look what happened when you found out I was! Look what you’ve done to me! How dare you overstep your bounds like that?”
“How dare I?” she laughed. “You are the one who’s breaking all the policies the school has by fucking a teacher!”
“It was none of your business! You are the one who told me to get out and live a little! You wanted me to step away from the prude I was in high school and to be the college girl!” I snapped.
“I didn’t tell you to go fuck teachers!” Kira came right back at me, the venom evident in her tone. “I told you to go to parties and have a good time. I didn’t tell you to pick the chemistry professor and turn into his bitch for the semester!”
“Don’t call me that!” I spat. “I’m not like you, and I’m horrified you would be so selfish to put me in this position! I feel like you stabbed me in the back – how can I trust you with anything ever again?”
“Zia, I did this for your own good. You can’t see that you’re on the road to hurting yourself beyond repair, so I did what I had to do to make sure you’re okay. You aren’t going to do it yourself, and when I tried to help you before, you went right back to him the next day. I had to take care of you. I promised you when you got here I would, and I intend to keep that promise, even if it makes you hate me some days,” Kira said.
“You have no idea what you’ve done to me, do you?” I shook my head.
“You can’t seriously be going out there,” she replied as I opened the door.
“You are the one who set up this disaster for me, and unless you want to go to the dean and tell him that you made it up out of spite, I’m goi
ng to have to face the stigma of all this and figure out how I’m going to get through it. Thanks to you, my life has gotten a lot harder than it needed to be, and you have nothing to say but you did it for my sake,” I shook my head.
“I did!” she called after me.
I paused for a moment at the door, looking back over my shoulder for a moment.
“No, you didn’t,” I told her. “You did this for you, Kira. Just like you always have. You didn’t give a damn about me or what I was doing with my life, you just wanted me to be available for you when you wanted me. You couldn’t stand the fact that I’m moving in a different direction with my life, so you took matters into your own hands to try to make sure I couldn’t.”
I closed the door in her face, not caring to hear what she had to say in response. I knew I had to figure this out, and I could deal with her more later. But when I reached the sidewalk, I didn’t know what to say or where to go. Looking around, I noticed several students whispering to each other.
They were looking at me and covering their mouths with their hands as they spoke, but I already knew what they were saying. I was the talk of the school. I was the one they were all thinking about and gossiping over.
There was nowhere to go now. No escape. The truth was out in the open for anyone to hear, and I would forever be the girl who got knocked up by one of the professors. I was horrified at the thought, and it only made me all the more pissed off at Kira.
She was selfish, and she had done this out of spite.
But regardless of why she had done what she had done, I now had to be the one to face the consequences. There was no more time to deny it, no more room to make up stories or try to get out of answering questions. It was time for me to face what I had done and stand up for myself.
But I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know where to go.