by Janie Crouch
She gave him a tiny nod of her head. “I never understood that a person could go through so much pain. Even now, sitting here weeks later completely safe, I . . . I . . .”
He wrapped her tighter in the blanket as she started to shake so badly her teeth were chattering.
That motherfucker Randy should be very glad he was rotting in hell right now, because that was nothing compared to what Aiden would do to him if he could get his hands on him.
“Firefly, you were tortured. There’s no other word for it. Just because it didn’t involve broken bones or knives doesn’t mean it was any less than torture.”
A tear slowly slid down her cheek. “H-He shocked me over and over. And there was nothing I could do. Nothing. I was completely helpless. I would’ve given anything to stop him. Promised anything, done whatever he wanted. Do you know what that is, Aiden? To be willing to do anything to make the pain stop?”
For the first time in his life, Aiden cursed the fact that he was Shamrock—the one lucky member of the team who had never sustained any true injury. He wished he knew exactly what she’d gone through, had some experience he could share that would help make this right for her.
“Violet . . .” He could barely choke the word out.
She was still trembling. “I thought he was going to kill me. God, Aiden, after an embarrassingly short amount of time, I hoped he would kill me.”
Aiden tucked her up against him as she began to cry, gut-wrenching sobs that broke his heart. He would do anything to carry this for her, make it better, take away the pain of the memory. But he couldn’t. Nobody could. It was something she would have to carry her whole life.
Violet Collingwood would always have scars from her kidnapping; they just wouldn’t be visible from the outside.
Sometimes those were the worst kind.
He expected her to be exhausted when she finally stopped crying, but instead she was angry. She pushed back from him and onto her feet, keeping the blanket wrapped around her as she began to pace.
He’d take angry, pacing Violet over brokenhearted, sobbing Violet any day.
“I thought I was past this sort of breakdown. But I’m not. They still have power over me, even when I want to pretend it isn’t true. I thought I was past this.” Her fists clenched.
“I don’t know that this is something you ever get past. Some things are just with you forever. They become a part of your new normal.”
She processed that for a minute, then stopped pacing and looked at him. “Looking back on it all, do you know what makes me the most frustrated? The most angry? I didn’t fight.”
“The hell you didn’t.”
She held a hand out to stop him. “I’m not talking about during the T-Taser.” Her voice still tripped over it a little. “I couldn’t fight then. I’m talking about every other moment I didn’t fight.”
She sighed, pacing once again. “I was held for five days. I was dragged out of my cell, forced to be naked in front of leering strangers. I was molested, groped, and treated like I wasn’t human. And I never fought back. That’s what makes me angry. That except for one damn kick, I just did what I was told. I was so weak.”
She needed to get this out just as much as she’d needed to get out the tears a few minutes ago. But there was one thing he had to say. “You survived. That was the most important thing. You survived.”
“But I should’ve fought! Every time Randy came into that windowless room, he should’ve known that I was going to kick, and claw, and bite even if he hurt me because of it. I should’ve spit on those people at the auction. Punched them, kicked them. Made it so they regretted ever taking me in the first place.”
He shook his head. “There were too many of them. They held all the power. You know that. Looking back on it now, it’s easy to say you should’ve fought, should’ve done more of this or that. But they would’ve hurt you in ways that nobody could’ve survived whole.” So he was damned glad she hadn’t fought.
Her voice broke. “Do you know the story of how Charlie was taken and tortured? She fought back. She was strong. I wasn’t.”
Yeah, he knew what Charlie had been through. He’d been there when it happened. “Not all strength is in-your-face like Charlie’s. But if you don’t think she has regrets about what happened to her, how she handled it, if she could’ve saved herself some of that pain if she’d done things differently, then you’re wrong. Charlie sometimes has emotional breakdowns too, just like what happened to you tonight, but in different ways. Just because your strength is quieter than hers doesn’t mean it’s not just as fierce.”
She shook her head, obviously not wanting to accept what he was saying. “I was weak and passive and acquiesced like I always do.”
“You were quiet, and adaptive, and focused, which allowed you to get out of there relatively undamaged.” Aiden was off the couch and gripping her arms so he could stop her pacing and get right up in her face. “You survived. Maybe that huge brain of yours wouldn’t allow you to fight with your body because it knew it was fruitless or could mean your death. But there is no way you can say you didn’t fight. You fought with your mind, your intellect, and that was even better. There’s more than one way to fight.”
Those green eyes tore at him, and he just wanted to hold her, but he continued, his voice as firm as his fingers gripping her arms.
“You survived. That’s what we teach at Linear. It is the number one rule that has no exceptions. Survive no matter what you have to do, no matter if it’s counterintuitive to what you want to do. Survive.”
She was too logical to not accept what he was saying, but she didn’t like it. So many of the choices she made about the bakery and moving here to Oak Creek made much more sense now. This new need for independence stemmed from what she saw as her failure while kidnapped.
But she had to understand that she’d done the right thing by not fighting.
“I’ll be thankful every day for the rest of my life that you didn’t try to fight with your body. That you survived and got out of that situation as best you could.”
“It’s not enough. I should’ve done more.” Her voice cracked on the words.
He pulled her to his chest. He knew what it was like to live with regrets. But just because you couldn’t change what was past didn’t mean you couldn’t make sure it didn’t happen again the same way.
“The past is gone, you can’t change it. All you can do is move forward. But I can help you with that. Teach you how to defend yourself in earnest. Your mind is always going to be your best weapon, Firefly. You’re too smart for it not to be. But I can help you so you’re just as confident with using your body as a weapon also.”
“Really?”
“You want to know how to stand up for yourself? To know how, when, and where to attack and to defend? Well, it just so happens that I’m in the business of teaching that very thing.”
Chapter 22
“The first time I saw you with her, you were studying her almost exactly like you are right now.”
Aiden glanced over at Gavin from his place at the bar at The Eagle’s Nest before turning his attention back to Violet.
He’d been working with her for two months now on the skills she wanted to improve, to use her body to become a weapon and not just her mind.
Watching her come to understand the power she held had been an amazing event to be a part of. Her emergence from her chrysalis—even though she was a firefly rather than a butterfly—had been beautiful. Each day, she woke a little more, understood more of her own power.
Violet hadn’t made a big announcement to anyone about what she was going to do. She’d just done it. She worked with him early, late, on weekends. He’d set up a grueling training schedule, and she’d met it without complaint.
They’d worked when she was tired, stressed, or sore. They’d worked on building muscles, endurance, defensive moves, and offensive moves. They’d worked in the cold, in the rain, and even when he was sure she would’ve shot him
in the head if he had given her a gun at that moment.
She may have cursed him out quite a few times, but she had never once come close to quitting. He’d seen soldiers with twice her natural physique give up before she had.
The more he pushed, the more she responded. She was focused and determined. It was a sight to behold.
And probably the sexiest thing he’d ever seen. Even sexier than all the mind-blowing things they’d done in bed over the past two months. Because as Violet’s confidence had grown in one area, it had also grown in others. If he had thought she wasn’t shy before, her newfound strength and budding confidence had brought him to his knees in the bedroom.
Literally. Multiple times.
Until the day he died, Aiden would feel blessed to be the recipient of that growing confidence.
All of their workouts meant she’d traded her lush curves for sexy, firm strength.
And while he might miss that softness, he could definitely appreciate these new curves just as much. There was still plenty about Violet to drive him crazy.
She could probably drive him crazy for the next fifty years. And that was his problem right now as he stared out at her.
She was currently on the floor, dancing to some god-awful hip-hop song that she and Wavy and Riley had begged the DJ to play. Aiden wouldn’t have known how to dance to that if someone had been holding a gun to his head. The way the gals were twisting, grinding, and bouncing was almost comical, although still pretty sexy. Something only the young could get away with.
“Is that music bothering you?” Gavin asked, laughter tingeing his tone. “Definitely not the usual fare here. The DJ probably only played it ’cause your girlfriend is so cute.”
Aiden had no doubt that was true. The more people got to know Violet, the more they were willing to do whatever she asked, even if that involved playing Drake.
“I’m head over ass in love with that woman, Gavin.”
Gavin chuckled. “Well, then I can see why the music is even more upsetting to you.”
He shook his head. “She sings that crap all the time, man. I can’t even understand the words, and she’s belting it out. And our workouts? We spar in earnest to see who gets control of the playlist, and sometimes I don’t win.”
Gavin laughed again. “That is grim.”
He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Violet bouncing and grinding with her friends out on the floor. “She’s absolutely amazing.”
The other man cocked his head to the side. “Then why the pensive?”
Because it was time for him to stop pretending that he didn’t know the truth. That as much as Violet had grown, in order for her to take the next step—the final step—into that warrior she was becoming, Aiden needed to back away. “She wants to grow into the woman she was always destined to be. Strong, smart, beautiful. Fierce.”
“And that’s a problem?” Gavin asked, eyebrow raised. “You’ve never been one to be threatened by a woman’s strength. You’ve always encouraged it.”
“Hell no, I’m not threatened by Violet’s strength. It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. But I’ve got to step back for her to make those last steps. I’m too closely tied to what happened to her when she was kidnapped.”
Gavin shot him a sideways look. “Don’t you think she ought to make that choice? Are you sure there’s nothing else going on here?”
He should have known Gavin wasn’t going to let him get away with a half-truth. “She puts her feet up on my dashboard all the time.”
Gavin spewed his beer. “Well then you’ve definitely got to cut that bitch loose.”
Now Aiden chuckled. “She likes to chew bubble gum when we’re lifting weights. Blows huge bubbles.”
“That’s not the craziest thing I’ve ever heard someone doing while lifting.”
He took a sip of his drink. “I know. None of this stuff is bad or even annoys me. It’s just she’s so damn young. Do you even remember what it was like to be twenty-two years old?”
“That does seem like a lifetime ago.” Gavin chuckled.
“She and I are in different places in our lives. I just don’t want her ever looking back and thinking that I was her crutch, that she wouldn’t have found the strength to do all this on her own, because she damn well would have. It’s time for me to step back, let her find the rest of herself without me involved.”
Gavin wisely didn’t say anything. What could be said?
Aiden watched her gyrate to the music some more, laughing hysterically with her friends. His fingertips actually itched to touch her. “If I let it go for now, maybe in a few years this could come back around,” he whispered.
A few years without her. The thought punched him in the gut.
“She might not like that thought,” Gavin said, taking a sip of his own beer.
“I’m going to talk to Zac about taking some overseas ops. I know there was a company trying to get us to come do some work in Istanbul. Or that firm in Morocco that’s been begging us to train their security team.”
Because Aiden would have to be out of the country if he was going to keep away from Violet. There was no way he could be here, be around her all the time, and not want her.
Not that being in a different country was going to take the want away. But at least then he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.
He finished his beer and slid the glass away from him on the bar. He didn’t want to do this. Every instinct he had told him walking away from Violet was a mistake. And for him, it probably was. It definitely was.
But for her . . .
For her, it was the chance to take that last step into what she’d fought so hard to become.
He’d be damned if he let anything stand in the way of that.
Even him.
He stayed at The Eagle’s Nest with Violet for as long as he could, way past when both of them should’ve gone home given the training and work schedule they’d been keeping.
He’d convinced her to stay to put off having this conversation for as long as possible. To give him one more chance to hold her in his arms as they danced. To hear her laugh and talk.
Jesus, he didn’t want to have this talk. But if he didn’t do it now, it was just going to get harder.
“You’re walking me to my house.” She’d been humming that same damn Drake song under her breath since they left the bar. “Your bed is bigger than mine. Let’s go there.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He winced at the sound of his own words. They sounded stiff, formal.
“I know we’ve been working ourselves nearly to death the last few weeks, but I’m not that tired.” She trailed her fingers up his arm with a smile. “I’ll never be that tired.”
He didn’t say anything, but she was too perceptive. It didn’t take long for her to realize something was wrong.
“Hey, you’re awfully quiet over there. I know you don’t particularly care for music that was created in the past decade, but at least I didn’t make you dance to it.” She ran her fingers up his arm again.
“Yeah, me dancing to hip-hop will never happen, considering you would be the first person to record it and post it online.”
She snickered. “Moi? Never. But it would go viral.”
God, the temptation to just throw her back against the nearest wall and ravish her until they were both in danger of being arrested was almost too much to resist. He looked down at her smiling face and the hand that was trailing up his chest. He took her hand in his and studied it. She’d written some sort of note to herself. On the back of her palm.
“Oh yeah,” she smiled. “A new recipe idea came to me tonight while I was at the bar. I decided to jot it down but there were no napkins available. Don’t let me forget to transcribe it when we get home.”
It was so typical, writing her great idea down on her hand. At least for someone her age.
Jesus, he had to do this now or he was never going to do it at all. And then he would never forgive himself.
>
Or even worse, she might someday begin to wonder—begin to question—if her strength was her own, since they’d been so entwined.
He had to give her time away from him.
Violet stopped walking and cupped his cheek with her scribbled hand. Concern was pouring out of those green eyes. “Aiden, what is it?”
“Sometimes Linear does work out of the country,” he said.
“That sounds exciting. Anywhere interesting?”
“Lots of places, actually. We get calls from companies all over the world who want to hire us either for protection or to train their own security services. We don’t take a lot of them because most of us got our fill of traveling when we were in the service. We like to have a home base now.”
She smiled. “And what a home base Oak Creek is.”
He wasn’t making this any quicker. He needed to just say what he had to say and make it easier for both of them.
“I think I’m going to be taking a lot more jobs overseas. It’s good money and good contacts for the company.” He slid back so they were no longer touching, hating himself when she stiffened.
“Oh. I didn’t know you were itching to travel again. I can’t go anywhere. Not with the bakery.”
“I know.” His voice sounded stiff even to his own ears.
He watched hurt accumulating in her eyes. At some point she might have stopped at the hurt, worrying, and wondering if she’d done something that had led him to his choices.
He couldn’t help but be proud—even as he knew this was going to make the whole situation harder—as she found the confidence to work past that and not blame herself.
Her eyes narrowed. “You love teaching and training. And not just with me, with everyone. So what’s this all about? Does Linear really need you to work in a different country?”
He didn’t want to lie to her. She picked up on his hesitation immediately.
“If this is what the company really needs,” she continued, “then we’ll work it out. However long you have to be gone—weeks, months—it will suck, but we’ll do it.”