CHAPTER XIV
Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I make twogood jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. Lupin speculatessuccessfully and starts a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah.Extraordinary conduct of Gowing’s.
JANUARY 1.—I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a mostimportant event has happened, so I shall continue for a little whilelonger on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s diary. Ithad just struck half-past one, and I was on the point of leaving theoffice to have my dinner, when I received a message that Mr. Perkuppdesired to see me at once. I must confess that my heart commenced tobeat and I had most serious misgivings.
Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Take a seat, Mr.Pooter, I shall not be a moment.”
I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’ll stand.”
I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twentyminutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself.
I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?”
He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope.” What a weight offmy mind! My breath seemed to come back again in an instant.
Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will besome slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearlytwenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that period,we intend making a special promotion in your favour. We have not quitedecided how you will be placed; but in any case there will be aconsiderable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary forme to say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but youshall hear more to-morrow.”
He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or thoughtto express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need not say howdear Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect simplicity she said:“At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the backdrawing-room, which we always wanted.” I added: “Yes, and at last youshall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson’s socheap.”
JANUARY 2.—I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office. Idid not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, andmentioned yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought itbetter, perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on entering,Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr. Pooter; do you want to see me?” Isaid: “No, sir, I thought you wanted to see me!” “Oh!” he replied, “Iremember. Well, I am very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.”
JANUARY 3.—Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was notalleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be atthe office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with apaper, said suddenly to me: “Do you know anything about _chalk pits_,Guv.?” I said: “No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.” Lupin said: “Well,I give you the tip; _chalk pits_ are as safe as Consols, and pay six percent. at par.” I said a rather neat thing, viz.: “They may be six percent. at _par_, but your _pa_ has no money to invest.” Carrie and I bothroared with laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of thejoke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: “I giveyou the tip, that’s all—_chalk pits_!” I said another funny thing: “Mindyou don’t fall into them!” Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and said:“Bravo! Joe Miller.”
JANUARY 4.—Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would bethat of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr.Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would be.This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t mind, for it is anxiety of theright sort. That reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupinabout the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached thesubject to Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupinwas riveted to the _Financial News_, as if he had been a born capitalist,and I said: “Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been tothe Mutlars’ any day this week?”
Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar.”
I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannotstand you!”
Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to _you_. I’ll find outif his father is still alive, and I will write _him_ a note complainingof _his_ son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son is a blitheringidiot!”
I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of yourmother.”
Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no other expression one canapply to him. However, I’m determined not to enter his place again.”
I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house.”
Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split straws—it’s all the same. Daisy isa trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary.”
JANUARY 5.—I can scarcely write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my salarywould be raised £100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to realise it.I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it might be £15 or even £20; but£100 surpasses all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our goodfortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. Isent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s for a bottle of champagne, thesame as we had before, “Jackson Frères.” It was opened at supper, and Isaid to Lupin: “This is to celebrate some good news I have receivedto-day.” Lupin replied: “Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also;a double event, eh?” I said: “My boy, as a result of twenty-one years’industry and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office,I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of £100.”
Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which broughtin Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to “fill up”again, and addressing us upstanding, said: “Having been in the firm ofJob Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having paidparticular attention to the interests of my superiors in office, myGuv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 worth of shares in a reallygood thing. The result is, to-day I have made £200.” I said: “Lupin,you are joking.” “No, Guv., it’s the good old truth; Job Cleanands _putme on to Chlorates_.”
JANUARY 21.—I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap.I said: “Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?”Lupin replied: “Well, one must get to the City somehow. I’ve only hiredit, and can give it up any time I like.” I repeated my question: “Areyou justified in this extravagance?” He replied: “Look here, Guv.,excuse me saying so, but you’re a bit out of date. It does not paynowadays, fiddling about over small things. I don’t mean anythingpersonal, Guv’nor. My boss says if I take his tip, and stick to bigthings, I can make big money!” I said I thought the very idea ofspeculation most horrifying. Lupin said “It is not speculation, it’s adead cert.” I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony andcart; but he replied: “I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make£200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is ridiculouslylow—why, that is £1,250 a year. What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?”
I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feelglad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible forhis own debts. He answered: “My dear Guv., I promise you faithfully thatI will never speculate with what I have not got. I shall only go on JobCleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ it is pretty safe sailing.”I felt somewhat relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to mysurprise, informed me that, as he had made £10 by one of Lupin’s tips, heintended asking us and the Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and Isaid we should be delighted.
JANUARY 22.—I don’t generally lose my temper with servants; but I had tospeak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recentlycontracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the breakfastthings, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet,eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered very rudely: “Oh, you arealways complaining.” I replied: “
Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you lastweek about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece ofyellow soap on the heel of your boot.” She said: “And you’re alwaysgrumbling about your breakfast.” I said: “No, I am not; but I feelperfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiledegg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and Ihave spoken to you at least fifty times about it.” She began to cry andmake a scene; but fortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse forleaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were not toforget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: “As he has never asked anyfriends before, we are not likely to forget it.”
JANUARY 23.—I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, he recentlymade me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me Iought not to brush my hair too much just now.
JANUARY 24.—The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room.Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side. Itis an immense improvement to the room.
JANUARY 25.—We had just finished our tea, when who should come in butCummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that helooked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, how are you? Youlook a little blue.” He replied: “Yes! and I feel blue too.” I said:“Why, what’s the matter?” He said: “Oh, nothing, except that I have beenon my back for a couple of weeks, that’s all. At one time my doctornearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has eventaken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead.”
I said: “This is the first I have heard of it. I have passed your houseseveral nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms were sobrilliantly lighted.”
Cummings replied: “No! The only company I have had was my wife, thedoctor, and the landlady—the last-named having turned out a perfecttrump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know it wasmentioned in the _Bicycle News_.”
I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are all right now?”
He replied: “That’s not the question. The question is whether an illnessdoes not enable you to discover who are your _true_ friends.”
I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters worse,in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back, and said:“Hulloh! Have you seen a ghost? You look scared to death, like Irvingin _Macbeth_.” I said: “Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been veryill.” Gowing roared with laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.”Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—not that I suppose youcare.”
An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: “Never mind, Cummings, you andthe missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it will cheer you up abit; for we’ll open a bottle of wine.”
JANUARY 26.—An extraordinary thing happened. Carrie and I went round toGowing’s, as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rang severaltimes without getting an answer. At last the latch was drawn and thedoor opened a little way, the chain still being up. A man inshirt-sleeves put his head through and said: “Who is it? What do youwant?” I said: “Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man said (as wellas I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): “I don’t think heis. Mr. Gowing is not at home.” I said: “He will be in directly.”
With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me standingon the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner.
Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered for thefirst time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the paint hadcome off on my gloves—which were, in consequence, completely spoiled.
I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.
The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and beganabusing me. He said: “What do you mean by scratching the paint with yourstick like that, spoiling the varnish? You ought to be ashamed ofyourself.”
I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—”
He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr. Gowing, or any of hisfriends. This is _my_ door, not Mr. Gowing’s. There are people herebesides Mr. Gowing.”
The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed it, it wasso trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.
At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings was very lame andleaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what the matter was.
The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone. All hesaid was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and he should notbe back till Monday evening. He took his bag with him.”
With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant with Gowing’sconduct to say anything. Cummings looked white with rage, and as hedescended the steps struck his stick violently on the ground and said:“Scoundrel!”
The Diary of a Nobody Page 14