‘Dad wouldn’t stand in my way if I was in love with someone he approved of,’ Evie said stoudy in defence of her father, but she wasn’t sure about it. After her mother, Iris’s untimely death from pneumonia, Davey had always seemed determined to keep Evie to himself. He had offered Iris marriage as a kindly gesture, as a solution to her predicament of being left a pregnant outcast by Phil Tresaile. Davey and Iris had not had a conventional marriage. Iris had shared the largest bedroom with Evie. Grateful to Davey, and having a good secure life for herself and her daughter, whom Davey doted on, Iris had made Evie promise she would always put Mr Vage, as Iris had called Davey, first. Evie had been happy to go along with that, although part of her wanted what every other girl dreamed of. ‘And of course I’d like to have children one day. There’s still plenty of time. What will happen will happen. I’m happy with my life.’ Before this, Evie would never probe into someone’s life, but strangely she was finding Rob easy to talk to. ‘What will you do now, if I may ask? I know Mr Praed is anxious for you to go back on Our Lily.’
Relinquishing his mug and plate, Rob lay back on the pillows but turned his face to Evie. He sighed. ‘I’ve got to wait and see how strong this arm is going to be, but the doctor don’t think it’ll be too bad, in time. I’ve been thinking things through, how I’d feel to be back on the boat. Skipper of the Sea Days says I’m welcome there. Good of him, but it would mean working with my two brothers-in-law, Judy’s husband and Bernie Crewes. Don’t want that. Alfie’s moving in here after the wedding, don’t want us getting fed up with each other. He and Allie say they’re in no hurry to get a place of their own. Allie doesn’t want to leave me without a woman to look after me. I’d cope, of course, but I’m used to always having someone around. Family is everything, so that brings me back to working again with Uncle Lofty and my cousins. Be great to skipper my own boat. Been thinking a lot about that.’ He sighed again. ‘But do I want all the worry that goes with it? Raising the money, going into debt for it, getting a strong experienced crew together. I could sell the cottage but I wouldn’t take the roof away from Allie.’
Evie felt a sense of warm satisfaction that he was sharing his deepest concerns with her. ‘I understand all that. How would you feel about fishing with Douglas again?’
‘Wouldn’t be easy.’ Darkness passed over Rob’s taut eyes. ‘I still want to throw him against a wall and beat the ruddy daylights out of him. He’s been here twice begging me to forgive him.’
‘What did you say to him?’
‘Told him to go to hell, with plenty of choice words.’
‘Forgiveness is a great release, Rob. It’s a healing.’
‘You would say that; sermon stuff.’ He smiled to convey he wasn’t mocking her.
‘It’s partly that, but my sister Beth could tell you all about forgiveness and giving up the idea for revenge. She’s so happy to be reconciled with her mother. Turned out Mrs Vyvyan was a very nice woman; she’s very nice to me. Douglas gave into weakness. It was wicked of him but he’s not evil. Don’t you believe he’s truly sorry? He’s been well and truly punished, Rob. The whole cove is against him. Even young Lily refuses to speak to him. If you don’t accept him back into your life then Mr Praed’s made it known Douglas won’t be allowed back on Our Lily. All he does is mope about on his own every day, apparently. Can’t help feeling sorry for him really.’
‘Can I have some water please?’ Rob feigned a cough. He didn’t want to feel sorry for Douglas, to let go of his anger and grudge, but he also didn’t want Evie to see it in him and think less of him. He was enjoying having her here, to be talking personally this way with her. Before this she wouldn’t have been remotely interested in anything he thought or had to say.
Evie filled his glass and passed it to him and replaced it on the little table after he’d taken a couple of sips. ‘If Douglas is exiled for the rest of his life he might hurt himself. How would you feel then? I’m sorry.’ She reddened and looked down. ‘I went too far.’
‘That’s all right,’ Rob said quickly, afraid she’d slip away. ‘Say what you like. I don’t mind, Evie. We’re friends, aren’t we?’ When she kept quiet, pondering, he said, ‘I know I’ve behaved very wrongly towards you in the past, but I’d like us to be friends. Can we?’
Evie bit her lower lip. She would like to be friends with him but she did not want him to ask her personal things, and she wasn’t sure if she trusted him.
‘You have my word I’ll never do anything to compromise you. I won’t set out to embarrass you again, I promise. Please Evie, say something please, your silence is killing me.’
‘You promise?’ she eyed him cautiously.
He closed his eyes and nodded, suddenly breathless. He was sweating and had his hand to his forehead.
All her concern for him returned to her in force. Alison kept a bowl of cold water and a flannel on the sideboard near the window. Evie wrung out the flannel, then sitting on the edge of the settee she gently brought Rob’s hand down to his side and dabbed the wet flannel over his feverish face and neck then laid it over his brow. Throughout he kept his eyes on her and Evie was struck at how young and vulnerable he looked. ‘You need to rest, Rob. And yes, we can be friends.’
Eight
‘I didn’t sleep a wink last night.’
‘Nor did I. I didn’t know how on earth to face you. You’d thought I was a friend to you, but I betrayed you by having an affair with your husband.’
‘I should hate you, Beth, but I don’t. Finding out Stuart was being unfaithful to me with you surprisingly didn’t bother me all that much. He had turned into a dull husband, you know, a good husband, but so very dull. I suppose he presented himself differently to you. He thought he’d covered his tracks, but I knew what the extra sparkle in him meant when you were around. I was glad Stuart was having an affair. It gave me the perfect excuse to embark on one myself. When George Beaumont joined the tennis club and swept me off my feet I willingly succumbed to his charms. Sounds silly and infantile now. One doesn’t realize how deadly and heartbreaking these things are, that there’s no charm or beauty in secret affairs. You found out that too, didn’t you? I did try to give George up. Both Stuart and I tried on that second honeymoon but it was hopeless. He was grieving his loss of you, and I couldn’t get George out of my mind. George promised that as soon as we were settled I’d ask for joint custody of the children, but he was happy to live in hotels and flit from place to place. Then it dawned on me that he would eventually move on from me. I missed the children so much but he didn’t even want to talk about them. I’d made a terrible mistake. George didn’t turn a hair when I said I wanted to return to Wiltshire alone. I want my old life back, more than anything I want my children. You must believe me that I know I got exactly what I deserve. You must believe that too. Your mother deserted you, and you must believe I’m the worst mother in the world. I didn’t have a cruel husband and mental reasons for abandoning my children.’
‘I don’t judge you at all, Connie,’ Beth said, relaxing a little now the meeting with Stuart’s wife was under way, and apparently, going ahead without recriminations and not too much awkwardness. They were in the lounge of the Edwardian, Grand Sea View Hotel, sitting beside the balcony windows, facing the perfect view of the headland reaching out defiantly into the sea and half forming the cove. In the old-fashioned plush environs Beth was struck by how much Connie, once of dazzling beauty queen looks had aged since her failed adventure. She was faded, tired, wore little make-up, and was dressed matronly. A sackcloth and ashes look, Beth thought, and she was sad for the woman. ‘I certainly can’t take a superior position. If Stuart had left you for me then I would have been responsible for taking him away from his children. I feel terribly remorseful about that.’
‘So we’re on a level playing field.’ Connie gave a brittle smile, and Beth tuned into the desperation which lay behind it. ‘People say we can’t help who we fall in love with, but perhaps we should. It didn’t bring you or I any h
appiness. I’ll never forgive myself for leaving Louis and Martha. You saw them last night. How are they? I hear Louis is not coping. Is he dreadfully unhappy, do you think?’
‘He is unhappy, but hopefully the change of scene will help to distract him.’ Beth sipped her coffee, now gone cold in the delicate cup. ‘Connie, how do you think I can help you? I can assure you there is nothing left between Stuart and I. I told him so last night, and he accepted it. So your way is clear to approach him. You have my word I won’t do anything to get in your way. It’s entirely up to you and Stuart what you do. I hope all works out for you both and the children.’ Beth had many doubts that, considering all their differences, Connie and Stuart would be able to make another go of their marriage. She hoped it wouldn’t be too long before the whole family left Portcowl. If Kitty ever found out about the past she would be devastated and she would never forgive Beth’s betrayal.
Opening her diamanté clasp clutch bag, Connie took out a handkerchief and dabbed at the moisture in her eyes. ‘Thank you for all you’ve said, Beth. It’s strange for us to be allies, sort of. My worry now is Kitty. She was so furious with me, she shouted at me that I was a bad mother and a… a slut. She’s always been so close to Stuart. She’s overprotective of him and the children. There were times in my own home when I felt an outsider. Please Beth, I need you to keep Kitty out of the way. She’s called me some horrid names over the past fifteen months. She’ll probably try to keep Stuart and I apart. She was always very bossy with him. There were many times when she was there I felt ignored and left out in my own home. Stuart always listened to her rather than to me. I need the chance to explain everything to Stuart and tell him how sorry I am.’
‘Yes, I see.’ Beth believed Connie deserved every possibility to rebuild her marriage. She seemed utterly lost and remorseful, slumped and acutely lonely. ‘He is rather weak.’
‘He is and he isn’t. He does hide behind his charm – the charm we both fell for. I believe if my marriage is ever to get back on the right track, then Stuart and I need to make decisions for ourselves, by ourselves. I admit if he’ll take me back I’ll agree to any terms. I still love him, perhaps we could rekindle our first passion, and I miss the children more than I thought possible. When do you think the best time will be for me to approach Stuart? Miss Marchant will be there, but we always got along very well, and I’m sure she’ll think it’s better for Louis and Martha if their parents were reconciled.’
‘Whatever the outcome turns out to be I think you and Stuart certainly need to talk. I agree that your decisions about the future should be made jointly. As it happens, Stuart will be alone at the cottage this afternoon. Kitty is to fetch the children and Miss Marchant, to spend some time with her in the cove, and then afterwards for tea at Owles House with my brother Joe, and two of his friends. My sister Evie and I are to meet up with them in the cove. Stuart is planning a long walk across the cliffs. I’ll give you the directions to Mor Penty. If you were to arrive there just after one o’clock you should catch him before he sets off.’
‘That would be very helpful, thank you so much, Beth.’ Connie brightened visibly and sat up straighten ‘If he allows, we could walk together. It’s sometimes easier to talk seriously when outside and moving. I’ll wear trousers and flats.’
‘Be sure you wrap up very warmly,’ Beth advised kindly. ‘The winds can be particularly biting on the coast. You’ll need something better than ordinary shoes. You’ll find my walking boots in the cottage kitchen. I wish you good luck, Connie.’ She ended with a smile.
‘Thank you, Beth, I can’t thank you enough.’ Connie returned the smile. ‘You’ve heartened me. I’m going to fight with everything I’ve got to get my husband back. We’ve let our coffee get cold. Would you like some more, and something to eat? I’d like to hear all about the fishing cove. I’ve watched the boats come and go.’
Over fresh coffee and wafer-thin macaroons, Beth chatted to Connie like she would anyone else new to the area.
‘It’s easy to tell you love your new life here,’ Connie said. ‘So you have a new man in your life. What does he do? A local businessman?’
Regretting she had mentioned anything of the kind, Beth said the first thing that came into her mind. ‘A small businessman, he’s a freelance gardener.’
‘That sounds rather romantic. Tell me about him? What’s his name?’
Beth wasn’t sure if Connie was being conversational or fishing for reassurance that she really had moved on from Stuart. This was getting tricky. ‘His name is Mark, he’s a widower, with a darling little girl. He’s very, very quiet.’
‘Good looking?’
‘Yes.’ Beth put on a dreamy gaze to show she was besotted with her beau. ‘It’s all very understated between us. Mark prefers it that way.’
‘If all goes well I might get to meet him.’
I hope not, Beth thought, almost in panic. The only person Mark had room in his life for was Rowella. He’d be horrified she was talking about him like this. If he ever found out how on earth would she explain it? The reason she was even saying such a thing went back to her affair with Stuart. If Kitty found out about all this, she would lose her best friend forever. Her old deceit was new deceit.
Nine
Two hours ago Stuart Copeland had stared at his wife as if seeing a mirage.
Now he was staring up at the ceiling of his rented bedroom in Mor Penty wondering if he had just made the worst mistake of his life.
Connie was nestled against him, with her head on his bare shoulder and her naked limbs were wrapped around his. Both were flushed and panting after the burst of frantic love making.
How did he get from being desperately lonely, life-was-hardly-worth-living to this? Because he had some honour left, by falling into bed with Connie he had recommitted himself to her and their marriage. Would it be the right thing in the end? If he and Connie could not forgive each other’s indiscretions, and accusations flew about: he was the first one to stray; she had actually deserted him and worse still the children – they could end up hating each other, and the children would be more unhappy and confused than before.
‘Do you mind if I have a cigarette?’ he asked politely. He badly needed the nicotine to soothe his mangled nerves.
‘I’d like one too, please.’ Connie sat up against the wooden headboard, pulling the eiderdown in under her armpits. Thankfully it was cool in the sea-facing room, a single guest room, for she was perspiring from the exertion and from fear. During the love making she had given Stuart her all, which was a lot more than he’d been used to getting from her, and she was scared he was sickened by the new tricks obviously taught to her by George Beaumont. It was one thing to admit equal blame where extramarital affairs were concerned, but something entirely different to bring flagrant practices into your former ordinary intimate life. Stuart might be thinking she was a tart, and not fit to resume being the mother to his children. Stuart was reaching for his cigarette case and lighter and she feared he was moving away from her in more ways than a physical one.
Sitting up beside her and sharing the eiderdown, Stuart lit both cigarettes and passed one to Connie.
‘Thank you,’ she said very softly, hoping he noticed the humbleness in her tone.
Before taking a puff, Stuart stretched out his arm and grabbed his shirt flung down on the messed up covers. ‘Here, put this round you, don’t want you getting cold.’
The cigarette wobbling in her fingers, Connie burst into tears of wretchedness.
‘Darling, what is it?’ The endearment tripped easily of his tongue. He dropped the shirt round her shaking shoulders, swung both cigarettes over to the ashtray, and gently pulled Connie into his arms. ‘There’s no need to cry, what is it? Tell me, Connie.’
‘It’s you being caring,’ she sniffed, burying her face against his bare neck, the place where she’d love to be in the old days. ‘I don’t deserve it. I did an unforgivable thing. You ended it with Beth, you didn’t go ahead and leave me
and Louis and Martha, but I took things further. I’ve disgraced you. Some people must pity you and you must hate that. People who don’t like you must have taken the opportunity to crow over you, and that must have been humiliating. You must despise me and think me a whore, and now my affair has come to an end, you, you…’
‘There you are then, Connie.’ He lifted her face so they could see into each other’s eyes. ‘You can’t say what I’m thinking because you don’t know. Actually, I think you are a noble woman. You didn’t speak out about Beth and I. You could have done so, tearing apart her friendship with Kitty and tarnishing her reputation. I don’t despise you, Connie. I despise myself, for seeking love outside of us, for not making any real effort on our second honeymoon. I had an inkling you were seeing George, that you preferred him to me, and I thoroughly understood about you looking elsewhere after I’d strayed. That must have hurt you so much. I’m so sorry, Connie, for everything.’
‘I’m so sorry for everything too, Stuart. I was so angry with Beth, of course, but I didn’t want to hurt her. I understood about falling in love with someone you shouldn’t. It’s all so strange – Beth was very helpful to me today. I’ve asked her and she’s agreed, to keep Kitty at bay so we get plenty of time to talk things through. Kitty finds me despicable and I’m sure she’ll have a lot to say to me. But you and I need to talk everything through and decide what we do next. We’ve just made love, but don’t let that hold you to anything, Stuart. We must be honest, totally honest with each other, for Louis and Martha’s sakes, and our own. Don’t you agree?’
‘Let’s get dressed, go downstairs for a brandy and talk beside the fire. Or would you prefer tea and sandwiches? Miss Marchant’s left some ready prepared. I’ll slip down first.’
Connie plumped for tea and sandwiches. Stuart smiled as he put the kettle on the hob of the range then carried the sandwiches into the sitting room. He knew he had smiled because Connie had been thoughtful. He had always said he was hungry after love making, and, thank God, it had only happened after he had been with Connie, so it made it unique to them. His body was still tingling where she had touched and kissed him. They had made love for the first time without inhibitions. That meant a lot to him. He had given a lot more loving to Beth, and obviously Connie had been more open with Beaumont, and when he and Connie had dragged each other upstairs and tore off each other’s clothes in their terrible need there had been nothing inside them to hold back. So he had not made a mistake going too far with Connie, had he?
Reflections Page 8