‘Why good?’ Claire asked. Her heart had stuttered with a frisson of excitement to swiftly thunder with… what exactly? Hope? Surely there was no point in hoping this particular man actually liked her? If so, she had no idea how she would respond.
‘Well, the thing is, I was wondering, you see –’ Mark plunged straight in — ‘If you would like to sit next to Rowella and me in the chapel?’
* * *
In the shelter of delusion, deeper than drifting, Beth clung on as long as she could against any wakefulness. Here, somewhere in her subconscious, she was of no substance, she was weightless, not a being at all, and no one had any call on her. Here there was no darkness or light, no warmth or coldness, no pain, no feeling, and best of all her mind did not exist. So she could not suffer again the heavy wetness, the chilling iciness eating through her flesh and bones, the sound of water forever running in her ears, salt rotting her tongue and throat, dissolving her eyes and making her lungs feel they were about to burst. Staying here, wherever that was, meant she had no understanding of anything. She was nothing, the way she wanted to stay.
Something heavy was shaking her and she was angry. ‘No! Leave me!’
But the object tormenting her kept up its torture. ‘Beth, wake up, wake up now, I want to talk to you.’
Her ease was being denied her and she awoke fighting. ‘Get off me!’
No soothing voice came, of her mother or Joe or someone kind. The owner of the voice was just as angry as she was. She was being manhandled and made to sit up straight. ‘Beth, open your eyes right up and look at me. Now.’
She did so but her eyes felt pinched in tight folds. She remembered she had lain down on the day bed in the sitting room, and as she did several times a day, she had sought oblivion. ‘St–Stuart?’
‘Yes, it’s me,’ he snarled, his grasp tightly on her. ‘Kitty is still refusing to see me but I won’t take any nonsense from you. I begged you not to tell her about us. You’ve ruined everything, damn you.’
Beth was now sharply conscious. She was light-headed and felt nauseous but knew she had no option but to answer him. She could not put this off any longer. Stuart deserved an explanation. ‘Let me go. I’ll tell you but I can’t breathe with you holding me like this.’
Stuart propped her back against the cushions and took his hands off her. Pushing aside the folds of her dressing gown he sat down close to her and leaned over her. ‘Out with it.’
Beth licked her stiff lips. Her mouth was so dry and sore. ‘I–I thought it was the right thing to do, that she deserved to know, but now I know I’ve made a terrible mistake.’ Her body heaving with sobs she turned her face into the cushion. ‘Oh, poor Kitty, she’s been through so much. She must have thought I died when I went into the sea. Then she went through another ordeal. Gabby Magor discovered she had hidden in an old fox lair deep in the wood. She went out of her mind and it was all my fault.’
‘Yes, it was,’ Stuart cried, still seething with anger. ‘Kitty’s a former shadow of herself. You’ve caused untold distress to my happy, optimistic sister, and no one knows if or when she’ll return to normal. She hates me. You’ve got no idea what it’s been like for me creeping round the vicarage like an intruder, a criminal, an outcast. You’ve ruined everything. Kitty’s life and mine.’
Through her streaming tears, Beth croaked, ‘It’s typical of you, Stuart, to feel sorry for yourself. You took equal part in our affair. But you still have the children and now you’ve got Connie back. You have a fresh start. If Kitty won’t see you for now, why don’t you return to your family and put all your time and energy into giving them a good stable life and wait for Kitty to come round. I’m sure she will in time.’
‘I can’t,’ he growled, then fell down on his knees as if all the energy had seeped from his body. ‘You’ve ruined everything with your stupid action.’ He hung his head.
Beth swabbed away her tears. ‘What do you mean? What’s happened?’
Suddenly Stuart threw back his head and laughed, a single horrible manic laugh. Having heard the commotion Christina and Mrs Reseigh had hurried to the doorway, instinct now telling them to halt and listen. ‘Connie pulled a fast one on me, on you, on all of us. As soon as we got home she waited until my first day back at the college, then she packed and took the children to her people in Ireland. She left me a letter saying she won’t ever be coming back. She wants full custody of the children, and warned me that if I fought her she would make sure I’d never see Louis or Martha again. If I cooperate with her, and that includes me rigging the usual adultery snap by a private detective of me with a tart, so she can divorce me, then she will allow me to see the children occasionally. So you see, Beth, by admitting to poor dear Kitty what we did means I’ve lost everything, because Kitty was all I had left.’
While Beth looked down on him, once more stunned and ashamed beyond measure over her actions, he wept quietly into his hands.
Christina crossed the room and placed a hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m sorry for you, Mr Copeland. Please get up and take a seat. For obvious reasons no alcohol is kept in the house, but Mrs Reseigh will make some strong, sweet tea. Is it all right with you, Beth, if he stays?’
‘Yes, why not?’ Beth sighed, bereft of vigour but at last feeling the return of some emotion. She sat up fully on the day bed and put her slippered feet to the floor. ‘I’m sorry, Stuart. There’s nothing else I can say. I’m only concerned about Kitty, what this whole sorry episode has done to her.’
‘Thank you,’ Stuart said simply, hefting himself up to sit down on a chair away from Beth. ‘I’m sorry for my aggressive behaviour. I’m just so desperate, you see.’
‘Of course.’
Stuart looked apologetically at Christina. ‘Thank you too, Mrs Vyvyan. Please forgive me for barging into your house like this.’
‘May I ask what you will do now, Mr Copeland?’ Christina asked sensitively.
‘I don’t know. I’ve got more compassionate leave. Actually I might leave the college and the area altogether. I’ll be selling the house and giving the proceeds to Connie. I’ve had a communication from her Irish lawyer, saying it is all she wants from me, to set up a trust fund for the children. I’ve agreed to that. I shan’t be giving Connie any problems. She’s promised she’ll keep me informed of the children’s whereabouts. It’s the best I’ve got for now. I suppose I ought to move out of the vicarage. Kitty will never come out of her room while I’m staying there. I’ll book into the Dunn Hotel, it’s smaller and more private than the Grand Sea View, wait and see for a few days if Kitty will relent.’ Stuart tried to drink his tea but his hands shook too much and he put it down with a clatter of crockery. He was on the verge of tears again. ‘Sorry…’
‘If you like you can stay at Mor Penty,’ Beth said. ‘It will be even more private.’
Stuart gazed at her from teary vision. Beth’s tone had been bland but sincere. ‘Really? I can’t thank you enough, Beth. I’ll take Grace with me. She must be a lot of responsibility for you, Mrs Vyvyan.’
‘Grace is no trouble, but I think that would be a very good idea,’ Christina said. ‘Jot down a shopping list and I’ll get Joe to pop the things along to you. I’m sure you won’t want to go down to the cove. They will be so many questions put to you.’
‘Oh God, what a mess I’ve made.’ Beth rose, her back straight, her legs steady.
‘Where are you going, darling?’ Christina asked.
‘To run a bath and then get dressed. I’ve got no right to go on moping about. I’ve got to try to put things right with Kitty, do anything I can to help her cope. Last night when Gabby came upstairs to me she made a suggestion, that Kitty and I need to talk, that even if Kitty rails against me it might help her. It might be what she needs to get all her anger and suffering out of her system. I know Kitty says she never wants to see me again but I’m going to write and ask her if we could meet, on her terms and I’d let her have as much say as she wants. It doesn’t matter how it makes me f
eel, because otherwise Kitty may stay stuck in limbo.’
Twenty-Four
With Chaplin, and the use of a torch, Joe made his way through the churchyard, heading for the small gate which gave access to the path leading to a side door of the vicarage. He thought it unlikely Kitty would be looking out of her bedroom window over the still, dark, front garden, but Joe feared that if she saw him approach she would get cross and order him to be refused entry. It was not unusual for Joe to walk Chaplin in this way just after school but he had not told his mother about his intention. She would feel it was wrong and invasive and Kitty might be offended. Joe thought it was worth a chance. Kitty had formed a close bond with him long before he had done so with Beth. Because of his youth Kitty was unlikely to see him as a threat.
‘Hello, who’s there?’
It was the Reverend Benedict’s voice, disembodied for a moment until the vicar’s tall frame appeared in his high lantern light. ‘Oh, it’s you, young Joe. I’m on my way to the church. You’re a bit off track, aren’t you?’
‘Just taking Chaplin for a walk,’ Joe replied, guarded. ‘We like it in the quiet darkness. We get to see a lot of wildlife.’
‘I’m sure you do,’ Jacob said. ‘I’ve seen all sorts myself in the churchyard, foxes, badgers, owls. But this way heads straight into my garden.’
‘I was going to stop at the gate.’
‘Sure you weren’t up to a bit of trespassing? I don’t mean that as an accusation. I know you rarely do anything without a reason, and you do happen to have a small bunch of chrysanthemums in your hand. Are you hoping to see Miss Copeland?’
‘OK, I’ll come clean. I think I may be able to make a breakthrough with her. Kitty won’t be holding any hurts against me. I was going to leave Chaplin on your pathway and sneak into her. I’m good at that sort of thing. I hope that doesn’t anger you. Punish me if like, but would you please not tell my mother. I hate her getting upset and Beth’s past sins have put my mother under a lot of strain. I just want to help put things right.’
Jacob was struck at how precise and adult sounding Joe was. ‘Fair enough. I think you might have a good idea there. I wouldn’t normally allow someone of your age to attempt such a thing, of course. Nothing that anyone, including the doctor, has tried has made any impact on Miss Copeland. I’ll take you inside but will stay outside the bedroom door. If she gets upset in any way at all, I shall come in and haul you out. Chaplin can stay in the hall.’
Moments later Joe was inside and on the landing, his outdoor things left downstairs. He smoothed his untidy hair while the vicar checked with the maid assigned to Kitty to see if entry might be allowed into the sickroom.
‘You can go in,’ Jacob said. ‘Miss Copeland is dozing. Just a few minutes now, Joe, unless you’re successful in getting her to talk. You had best say—’
‘Excuse me vicar, I know Kitty very well indeed and I’m sure I’ll know what I should and shouldn’t say to her.’
‘Well –’ Jacob took a deep breath – ‘off you go then.’ When Joe had gone quietly into the room and shut the door, Jacob leaned his back against the wall, hoping he wasn’t going to regret giving his permission for this.
* * *
Kitty was lying flat in the single bed of what had been the former incumbent’s daughter’s room. She had her eyes closed but she was not asleep. The bedside lamp gave a low glow and a gentle fire was burning in the grate. The maid had told her ‘the master’ had ordered the fire be lit rather than have the central heating on in this room to give her more comfort and a more pleasant atmosphere. Kitty was grateful to have been taken in at this dwelling but she wasn’t interested in the surroundings.
She heard someone slip into the room and assumed it was Verity bringing in fresh water or something.
A light step came right up to the bed. Kitty knew she was being spied on.
* * *
‘I’ve no idea how I got here, Joe.’ Kitty was sitting up in bed, clutching Joe’s big tough hand. He was perched on the bedcovers, listening in an understanding manner that eased and calmed her. When she had opened her eyes she had cried out as if with enormous release and reached up and clung to his neck and sobbed like a child for several moments, repeating over and over how pleased she was to see him.
‘I don’t remember anything after the horror of seeing Beth disappearing over the cliff edge.’
Joe told her about Gabby Magor’s discovery. ‘Is that any comfort to you, Kitty?’
‘I suppose it is, that I somehow went somewhere that you had showed me. There are few people I can trust now and you’re one of them, Joe. I’m so relieved that Beth didn’t die. I hated her when she told me about her and Stuart but I didn’t plan to harm her, really I didn’t. I pushed her. I wanted her to get away from me but I didn’t mean to make her fall. She screamed and I screamed. I can still hear the screaming inside my head. I thought I had killed her. I would have done if Douglas Praed hadn’t saved her…’ Kitty’s grasp on Joe’s hand tightened and she was gulping in air.
‘It’s all right, Kitty,’ Joe said soothing away her panic. ‘Beth did not die and she doesn’t blame you for her plunge into the sea. All that she’s concerned about is you, how she’s hurt you and how you’ve suffered since.’
‘She’s made many people suffer! Poor Christina, she doesn’t deserve such a daughter. To think of all those years Beth despised her but Beth had done even worse things herself. Beth took me in. She’s a conniving liar, a fake. Her disgusting affair with my weak brother led to his wife betraying and deserting him, shredding the lives of my innocent little niece and nephew. Just because the family is now reunited doesn’t excuse what she did, or what he did. They are both repulsive to me and I never want to see them again. And do you know what else, Joe?’ Kitty’s tear-stained eyes, usually so beautiful and gentle were now beset with despair. ‘Beth’s made me hate myself. She had made me believe I was a murderer and even worse than her. And even now I know she’s alive and will fully recover, she’s made me hard and soiled because I can’t forgive her for what she’s done to me and what she’s made me. Don’t turn against me for it, Joe, I beg you.’
‘I could never turn against you, Kitty.’ Joe held her shuddering body against him. ‘You’re my friend for life. Whatever happens I want us to always remain friends. I feel sorry for you and Beth. And I feel sad. It seems to me that so many adults mess up their lives, all part of being human, I suppose. Natural in a strange way, and natural too that when someone finds their trust and peace destroyed they can’t forgive. Perhaps you will forgive Beth one day. I hope you do, for your own sake as much as Beth’s.’
Kitty stayed silently in his soft strong embrace. ‘Why are you so wise? I can’t see you ever devastating someone’s life.’
‘You can’t take a bet on that, Kitty. I’m not infallible. There are times when I’ve been a right horrid little sod. And who knows what I’ll do in the future?’
‘But you’d never dream of betraying Richard or little Lily, would you?’
‘No, I’d rather cut off my arm, but it’s easy to say that now. No one can tell what the future will bring. My father used to say that a lot, and in the time since, I think he was trying to tell me that he had done things he wasn’t proud of.’
‘Oh Joe, you make me doubt myself.’
‘I hope I do, Kitty, and I’ll tell you why. I’d hate to see you eaten up by hate and resentment. It might be exactly that which made Beth shallow and embark on an affair with your brother, but on the other hand she had suffered, her grandmother, my grandmother too, who never knew I existed, and I’m glad of that, deliberately made Beth’s suffering worse. The old woman did that because she hated my mother, her own daughter. Beth must have been looking for acceptance and love elsewhere, but unfortunately she found it in the wrong place, and it’s had terrible consequences.’
Kitty sighed, but it was not a weary or a despondent sigh. ‘You’ve given me a lot to think about, Joe.’ She gently pulled away from him a
nd tugged on his tousled hair. ‘The Reverend Benedict has been telling me all sorts of stuff about God, about him sending the right help at the right time. I suppose that meant you coming to me, Joe. Whatever the reason I’m so grateful you did.’
‘Suppose the same could be said about Douglas Praed being down on the beach when Beth fell,’ Joe said thoughtfully. ‘Kitty, I take it you’ve been told that Stuart has left the vicarage?’
‘Yes, I have, and that he’s staying at Mor Penty because he’s still hoping I will relent and allow him to speak to me.’
‘How do you feel about that?’
Kitty shrugged. ‘I don’t know why he just doesn’t go back home to his family. They need him.’
‘Ah, you haven’t been told everything then.’
‘What do you mean? Has something happened?’
Joe noticed a small flicker of Kitty’s old all-encompassing concern. ‘This is rather shocking.’ He relayed the story of Connie’s deceit.
‘The rotten bitch, but I can’t say Stuart didn’t deserve it. So Connie behaved no better than him. You’re right about grown-ups making a mess of their lives. The awful thing is that it’s the children who will suffer more. How will it all affect Louis and Martha? They’ve been pulled in so many directions. What mistakes will they make in later life because of it all.’ Feeling weak again, but not with the same debilitating lack of emotion, she said wistfully, ‘I’ve spent nearly all my life looking through a rose-tinted glow. I feel such a fool.’
Reflections Page 20