by Julia Wild
* * *
Someone once said it is better to ask forgiveness than permission and my increasingly addled brain could think of no other way to keep you by my side.
* * *
I hope you and Justin find one another again one day – if you’re meant to.
* * *
With all my love,
* * *
Rufus.
‘Dear God, Rufus.’
Izzie shook her head and rubbed her fingertips across her forehead as she tried to digest the facts. Her mouth was dry and a feeling of faintness washed through her as she gripped the edge of the desk with clammy fingers.
‘Dear God…’
The writing on the bundle of envelopes was Justin’s.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Izzie
West Hampstead, Early February, 2018
Taking the bull by the horns, she checked the date stamps on the envelopes, and put them in date order; all were dated through the spring and summer of 2011. The last date had been stamped on 3rd September and, unlike the others, had been posted in the UK. She opened the oldest one first, smoothed out the letter’s fold and took a deep breath in an attempt to fight down the nervous bubbles that made her want to do anything but begin reading.
Fingers trembling and moving clumsily like lead, she picked up the first letter, but it shook too much for her to focus. She set it down on the table and began to read.
Hi Izzie,
* * *
I wanted to let you know I haven’t forgotten our date on your birthday in a few months – I’m writing to see if we can alter that? There are a couple of reasons – and I apologise for messing you about in advance.
* * *
A chance to go along on an agency location photoshoot has come up and it could lead to me working on what I’ve always wanted.
* * *
Alongside the glamorous calendar shoot we’ll be working on, there’s the chance of nipping off and doing some wildlife work for my portfolio with an amazing mentor.
* * *
Thing is, to take the opportunity, I have to leave in a couple of weeks and don’t have time to come home from Malta as we’re working right up until we fly out to do the Sirelli calendar shoot. The job will put me out of the country until at least September, and there’s a lot of travelling involved so I’ll be out of touch more often than I’m reachable. I hope you’ll understand I don’t want to let this opportunity slip by?
* * *
How about we arrange a different date? I lost the phone you’ve got a number for, left it in a bar in Malta – too much Maltese pear liqueur. What a twerp! Soon as I have a replacement phone, I’ll ping you the number.
* * *
If you could write back, I’ll be at the address on this letter for three more weeks – then leaving for some pretty exotic locations. I have put my pal, Corey’s mobile phone number at the bottom of the letter so you could send a message there – or I’ve also put the hotel contact number, maybe leave a message at the desk for me? I won’t have an address once we leave here because we’re moving around a lot.
* * *
That’s the first reason. The other reason is I really need to make a go of this opportunity to secure our future as it’ll mean a lot to me – and to us both financially. It’ll help set us up in our own place, maybe even help us get a deposit on a house on the front overlooking the sea like we’ve talked about. It’s taken a while to build up a reputation in the photography world and things look like they could take off even more. My thinking is that we’re both young enough to alter our plans – just a bit and just by a month or so. But it depends on you? Are you okay with that? Let me know what you think when you write back?
* * *
In the meantime, always be sure I love you, Izzie.
* * *
Hope your work with DAS is still going well. Are you still enjoying all the design work? How’s it working out doing admin for the crime writer guy? Write as soon as you can and tell me how you’re doing. I’m sending this to your new address, so hopefully you did move!
* * *
I’ve to go now and get ready for the photo shoot in Valetta.
* * *
I love you,
* * *
Justin x.
Izzie shook her head. It’d all been there – all of the reasons for his no show were in this letter. He’d tried to warn her and make alternative plans.
Okay, yes, she would have been upset and angry that he’d decided to put off their meeting up for a bit, but if she’d received the letter, she would have at least known there was a reason. And he did know her well enough to know that she would’ve accepted his decision. She wouldn’t have wanted him resenting her for missing his big chance.
Feeling heavy-hearted and nauseous she reached for the next letter, and had to physically force herself to focus on it. Whatever was in the next one – it couldn’t be good.
Dear Izzie,
* * *
I’m concerned because you haven’t been in touch. I expect you’re likely pissed with me putting off our meeting date for a bit, but I’d hoped you’d understand. Hopefully you’ve written and your letter will turn up soon. I haven’t got a new phone yet; been manic with work, but I’ve put the hotel number at the bottom of this letter again – and Corey’s. Hoping to have time to grab one soon. I’ll write again in a day or two as I’ll have a copy of a photo to send you then – it’s due to be featured in a British Sunday supplement.
* * *
You can have a good laugh at it – I stepped in as the male model because Corey, who was booked for the shoot, got … well … a bad stomach, very last minute.
* * *
Anyway, it’s convinced me I’m working on the right side of the camera. Boy those models are patient –they have to hold their poses for a hell of a long time!
* * *
Write soon,
* * *
I love you,
* * *
Justin x.
Within the folds of the next letter, a photograph – a proof copy of the photograph that she’d torn from the Sunday magazine supplement and ripped into tiny pieces in anger, then regretted tearing up because she’d wanted to look at Justin’s face.
The crisp, clear black and white photograph was even more striking than the colour one had been. His very slight smile as he looked down into the features of the young woman, his hair as tousled as it always was and a shadow on his cheeks and chin, the sincere light in his eyes so convincing. He was – always had been – her idea of a good-looking man. Not everyone’s, maybe, but hers.
Tears rolled down her cheeks and she wished she could go back in time; read the letters he’d sent her when they’d first arrived. But would that have changed anything? She dashed the wetness from her cheeks with her fingers and stopped that thought from developing. Izzie wanted to read the rest of the letters so she could fill in the damned gap in her own past before doing any more wondering whether she would have still married Rufus…
Hi Izzie,
* * *
Okay, so you’re obviously far more pissed with me than I expected. There’s not a lot I can do about it from here, unfortunately. I’ve tried ringing your nan’s house from a phone box but it’s bloody useless – the money lasts no time and she says she’s sorry but you’re not there at the moment and she hasn’t got your new number yet. She sounded worried about me, so that clearly wasn’t a good thing to do. She did offer to take a message – but I said not to worry, I’d write again. In the meantime, I’ve written Corey’s and the hotel’s numbers on the bottom of this letter. Please phone? I need to clear this up with you… On another subject – what do you think of the photograph? Did I make a good model? I thought I looked better than I felt. It’s a bloody tough job that.
* * *
Marissa, the female model in the photo, said all she could think about was eating a big cake afterwards. I kept wanting to laugh. Anyway, it was an experience, that’
s for sure. Let me know all your news?
* * *
Write soon,
* * *
I love you,
* * *
Justin x.
All this time she had been angry with Justin, blamed him for callously not turning up when he had written to explain, obviously thinking that it was a far more reliable way of getting in touch with her than the alternatives.
And probably because he knew she’d always loved letters…
This was the knowledge that helped to fill in that bloody gap she hadn’t known existed.
But this was painful.
She touched her cheek and realised it was wet. She couldn’t believe this, everything she’d thought was wrong… She had blamed Justin for everything.
Everything. But it was blatantly clear from his letters he never had any intention of hurting her.
She couldn’t see for a few moments, had to mop at her eyes with her fingers.
Hi Izzie,
* * *
I’m guessing you’re still seriously upset with me and I couldn’t be sorrier about that. Still, I’m hoping you’ll write to me before we move on from Malta. I dash and check with the reception area of the hotel every morning before work and every evening when we finish to see if you’ve written or left a message. I have Corey checking his mobile loads, too.
* * *
I’ve had the immunisations for all the places we’ll be visiting – there’ll be a trip up the Amazon, one to India, to the West Indies, to Morocco and loads more places. I’ll take loads of photos so you can share in the good bits when we get together.
* * *
Corey, one of the models on the team, suffers from mossie bites, poor sod, his mum just sent him a package with just about every cure available packed in.
* * *
Right, better get going.
* * *
Sending you a sexy hug and a kiss – I bloody miss that.
* * *
Please write soon.
* * *
I’m happy but I miss you like crazy.
* * *
And I love you,
* * *
Justin x.
Izzie traced the words with her damp finger, blew her nose, shook her head.
‘Shit, Justin.’
Her throat was tight with tears.
She wanted so much to move away from the letters and the pain they were causing her … but she’d always done that – she’d always run away.
Or in Justin’s case, run away and buried her feelings deep.
She scolded herself and reached for the next letter, fingers shaking a bit with the realisation that Justin had begun to reach out towards her with more emotion in each letter.
Hi Izzie,
* * *
Right, you have me seriously worried now. I’ve tried phoning your nan again, but there was no reply, and Mum says she’s on holiday in the Lakes just now.
* * *
Will you respond to my letters? Whatever else I thought when I asked if we could move our meet-up date, I didn’t expect no response at all. I understand that you’re pissed with me, but you must know I love you, Izzie.
* * *
Don’t ignore me? I keep trying to work out why you wouldn’t want me to be honest. I know you might not like it but we’ve always talked stuff over and come out the other side. It just doesn’t seem like you to stay angry with me for so long. You certainly haven’t before. And I can’t for the life of me work out what’s going on in your mind; that’s pretty unusual.
* * *
We’re here just one more week now and then off travelling and we’ll all be out of touch. I’m anxious to hear from you.
* * *
At last, I have a new phone, number at the top of this letter, ping me a message so I have your number – I must have remembered your number wrong, coz no response to the dozens of calls and messages sent from Corey’s phone, or my new one.
* * *
Love you so much,
* * *
Justin x.
Izzie’s sight was blurred again. She gasped, a sob erupting as she touched the words of Justin’s penultimate letter, wanting more than ever to hide away from what she was uncovering. She paused long enough to blow her nose and go and splash her face with cold water before picking up the last of the letters, the postmark two weeks later than the previous one.
Izzie,
* * *
To say I’m gutted is an understatement. I just wish you hadn’t left it to Kay to tell me about you marrying your boss.
* * *
So that’s it. There’s nothing more to say. I would wish you well, but at the moment I’m too fucking angry and upset to write any more.
* * *
I never thought it was possible to hurt this much.
* * *
Justin.
‘Oh, God,’ Izzie whispered as wrapped her arms around herself and gasped for breath.
Sobs rose noisily and she ached for all the pain she’d caused Justin – unwittingly caused, but caused all the same.
Anger ripped through her. ‘Rufus, you bastard!’ She shook her head. ‘That was so … so … wrong!’
Even with the proof in front of her, she struggled to believe what he had done. What right-minded person would interfere in someone’s life like that?
Inconsolable, she laid her head on her arms and sobbed great noisy, angry snotty sobs. There was nothing she could do to mend this; she knew that she couldn’t turn back time and undo the harm. She couldn’t confront Rufus and let rip, pummel him with her fists.
‘It was wrong! So wrong!’
Her phone burbled away on the kitchen table and unthinkingly she answered. It was Justin calling via a video call on WhatsApp.
‘Hey.’ His cheerful greeting gave her a moment to blow her nose yet again and wipe her fingers over her cheeks.
‘Justin, hi.’ She cleared her throat, it ached with misery. ‘How are you?’
‘Better than you, by the looks of it.’ He gave her one of his to die for lopsided smiles. His hair was blowing across his forehead then away with the wind, and the sky in the background was intensely blue.
That made her laugh, snottily, but she laughed. ‘I know.’ She took a deep breath, ‘How’s work going?’
‘Fantastic; the scenery is spectacular. I’m in the north at the 90 Mile Beach. Look.’ He panned the gorgeous endless golden beach, the lace edged blue waves. ‘It’s about seventy degrees and beautiful. I’m on my way back to the camper van now and I wanted to see you, find out how you are.’
‘Justin…’ The tears began to pour freely down her cheeks again. ‘Something happened. I need to tell you…’
‘What’s happened? Izzie, are you – are you pregnant?’
She shook her head, the words I wish floating uninvited through her mind. Her nose and her eyes ran. Much in the same way as he’d shown her the gorgeous scenery by panning around with his phone camera, Izzie sniffed and did the same thing with the letters that she’d read, then set them back down on the table, the last one on top.
‘I don’t get it.’ The warmth drained from his manner. ‘Why are you showing me those?’
‘I’m so sorry, Justin. I’m sorry. I never got them.’ She wiped her fingers down both cheeks, attempted to stop the hot flow of tears without success. ‘I got some letters from before these that Ruby passed on after I moved to the upstairs apartment here in West Hampstead, as she handed them to me at work.’ Her voice was hoarse with emotion. ‘But these I’ve only just received. They were sent on by Rufus’s solicitor, along with a letter from him saying he’d hidden them from me along with my phone.’
He was silent for what was probably only a second or two, but it felt so much longer to Izzie.
‘I’m so sorry.’ She couldn’t look at the screen any longer, the slight time delay accentuating his slow response.
‘Have you read them now?’
‘Yes,’ she gasped. ‘I ne
ver would have ignored you; I didn’t know you’d written!’ She grimaced then. ‘I waited for you all day on my birthday, thinking you would come. When you didn’t, I assumed you didn’t want me.’
‘Shit!’ He looked rattled, raised his chin as if to stop his own pain from spilling out. ‘It never occurred to me you wouldn’t get the letters. I sent them with loads of time for that reason. I didn’t want you travelling up to Blackpool thinking I’d be there.’
There was a long pause at Justin’s end and then he shook his head. ‘So, you thought I didn’t turn up and that was it?’ He blew out a disbelieving sound. ‘You thought I would finish what we had without a word? Izzie?’